Bi-Help

[XSAMACX]

Hi all!

I’ve been perusing these boards for a while and finally decided to join. I have read many stories here and have learned a thing or two. And now I figure its time to add my own story and maybe seek some insight.

A little bit about me: I am 38 yo and live in Massachusetts. For most of my life I have lived in denial regarding my sexuality and have tried to lead a “straight” life. I have dated a number of women but no men. I have had sex with both, but it wasn’t great with either (with the women I simply didn’t like it to much and with the one guy I didn’t know him to well - it was a one night stand kind of a deal). But I got aroused by being with both, which is why I consider myself bi-sexual. My sexual fantasies are all about being a bottom with a man (or several men) and my porn is both gay and straight (in the straight I put myself in the woman’s position). So in my fantasy life I am totally gay. Confusion is my middle name!!

Now I am at a point where I think it might be time to try and date a guy to see if it feels right. I just recently told a woman who I have had an off and on relationship that I was bi and she told me she couldn’t be with me because she was straight and wanted a totally straight man. It was the reaction I pretty much expected.

What I would like to know is there anybody here with a similar story? Going through years of denial and secrecy, then finally dating a man and finding its what you should’ve done all along? And any advice on how to approach the gay dating scene would be helpful. I am not much of a bar person and I’ve heard horror stories about personal ads.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

 

[XSAMACX]

Is this the wrong forum for this post?

 

[star-warrior]

I'm moving this to the Coming Out, Relationships and Bisex Talk forum for you

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

When it comes to bars and online dating, well, it depends. Let me move it over to the "straight side" for a moment so you can get a clearer picture. You can picture going to a rather low-key bar, maybe with a bit of an emphasis on singles, but nothing out of the ordinary. And you can picture going to a "swinging singles" club, which might actually have rooms in the back so straight couples can get it on. They're both technically "straight clubs", but they're on opposite ends of the spectrum.

So it is with gay clubs AND online sites. Some gay clubs are friendly, fun, dance-oriented places. And some are where you go if you want a blowjob in the bathroom (or on the dancefloor). Both gay clubs, but different types. You'll have to do a bit of digging to see which ones are which. Similarly, some online dating sites are "GWM seeking friend and potential LTR", and some are "come to my place, fuck me, and leave". And, again, you'll have to do some digging to find out which are which.

There's a third option. Start hanging out in the "gay section" of town. Go to the shops, the coffeeshops, the galleries. Start some conversations. See what happens. It's slower, perhaps, but sometimes the slower techniques are the surer ones.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB and congrats on your first post.

Your story is a common one. It's a little later than most- it seems to be around the mid-to-late 20s that most bisexual guys have an epiphany.

I'm sure you'll find some common themes in the stories that you're going to read here.

 

[XSAMACX]

Thanks for the welcomes! And thanks for the dating scene advice!

As far as an epiphany is concerned, I never really had one. I have slowly accepted the fact that I am bi-sexual, it took me a long time just to get to that level. My family is very much of the old school way of thinking that a man should be with a woman and thats it. Which made it hard growing up with the feelings I was going through and I had no one to talk to about it. My brother found out by accident when he went into my room and saw the gay porn I had. And then I talked to my mother who thought I was joking at first, but realized I was not. She has accepted it, but still wants me to be with a girl. Life sure isn't easy when your Bi!

 

[KaraBulut]

Life sure isn't easy when your Bi!

No, it's not. At least at first. But it gets easier as things get clearer with time.

 

[marcelloNYC]

Welcome to JUB!

My situation is a lot like yours. I did not realize I was bisexual until New Years Eve 08 and was in 36. It has been almost 20 months since then and I am very comfortable with who I am, and recently began coming out about it to family and old friends.

I would tell you to read my blog posts about my sexual evolution, but the blog is down for maintenance for a couple of days.

I kind of always new I was not totally straight. My friends have always been largely gay and lesbian, and I have always hung out in gay nightlife in NYC. Also, since the age of 18 I have always engaged in anal play with girlfriends, and had a few encounters with transgendered women, but never had the urge for men.

I have always enjoyed sex with women, but enjoy sex with men way more now that I've had experience over the last year and a half.

I did find that my bisexuality had multiple stages of acceptance. At first all I wanted to do was have sex with men, and the thought of romantic feelings did not seem right to me. I also could only fantasize with a girl in the scenario. My first experience was a few months after that New Years, and it was a MMF 3some—it was great. The guy later contacted me, and I nervously met him and enjoyed the MM contact.

About a year later I started thinking about guys in a more romantic way. Now I am kind of only interested in men, but I am still attracted to women, but it is limited.

So, I guess I am evolving sexually and learning as I go.

Hope that helps some, and you are not alone.

Kinsey has some great articles about sexual fluidity through life. Some people may be overwhelmingly straight early in life and then begin to lean more towards the bisexual/gay side later. That is how I feel. I used to identify as 3 on his scale (equally gay/straight) now I feel more a 4 (more homosexual and incidentally straight)

A very good, but long book I read was - Bisexuality and The Eroticism of Everyday Life - Marjorie Gabor.

Lastly, you are in the right place here at JUB. When I realized my bisexuality the first thing I did was start googling and JUB appeared. The guys in this section and the fun and games section really helped me when I needed it most. I am very thankful for those friends ,even though they are online friendships.

When my blog is up I will PM you the links for the articles I wrote.

 

[XSAMACX]

It's so depressing I hate it sometimes!

I'm actually wishing my mom and I had that kind of relationship.

I hope things work out with your mom. Mine has actually been good about it..she is the main one I can talk to about my relationships.