Big age gap, lie, and confusion

[Watercolors90]

I have a little issue with my boyfriend and I don't have any friends to discuss this matter since I'm not out. This is the first time making a thread here for me. Any ideas, advices, or comments will help.

I and my boyfriend started dating about an year ago, although we've known each other for longer time. Almost for three years. I was in college I still am, and he's been working. When we first met he told me he was in his mid thirties. His age didn't bother me. I found him attractive and we occasionally had sex. That was before we started our relationship.

Then, we started to have feelings for each other. We started dating. But recently I found out that he has been lying about his age. A few days ago, He asked me if I wanted to be his Facebook friend, so I looked for him on the website. He didn't put his year of birth on the profile but year of graduation didn't match his age. He once told me at wha Agee graduated from college and how many years it took for him
to graduate, so I knew the year didn't match. I didn't wanna make a fuss right away so I didnt say anything at the time.

Today I tried casually asking what age he will turn this year since his birthday is coming. He used the fake age. This time, I don't know why, I decided to confront him and said i know how old he is and asked why he hasn't been telling me the truth. At first, he tried to ignore my question. Finally, He said its very sensitive and he didn't want to talk about this. That was the end of the conversation.

I was more disappointed by his reaction. Now I'm trying to contemplate if my approach was wrong. Maybe too sudden. I even think I shouldn't have brought this up. On the other hand, I can't believe he has been trying to hide something from me. I'm sure he didn't try to hurt me or anything, but I'm confused.

Also age issue kind of startled me. There was what people call a big age gap already. Ten something years. But now it became over twenty years. I don't think the number should change anything, still it feels weird. Suddenly he feels more distant. Age gap has been bothering me even before I learnt this, but I kept telling myself it isn't a big deal. Now knowing the truth wouldnt help me getting over it.

I like my boyfriend a lot. He is very nice to me. Can't believe someone can be that nice to me. I don't know what to do. I need to see him tomorrow. Should i pretend nothing happened? Just can't go to sleep now. I had to tell this story to someone. Thank you for reading. Please share your thoughts.

 

[altlover85]

I can understand someone being insecure about his age, but at the end of the day a year is a long time to go without telling your boyfriend how old you really are.

If he's sensitive about his age gap with you, perhaps he should have thought about that before lying to you and being with you for a year. It's not even as if he was straightforward enough to tell you his real age in the first place. It sucks that it had to be you that had to ask him about it.

There's a small part of me that thinks that he might have wanted to get caught and that is why he added you on Facebook, but I really don't know for sure.

Ultimately, I wouldn't pretend that this never happened. If you really want to see him tomorrow, let him know and schedule a date somewhere, so that you two can talk about the state of your relationship. Hopefully he'll be able to tell you why he lied to you about his age.

Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about things.

 

[hylas]

ok first off, a warning: my advice may be a little biased, because its based on my personal experience. but anyway:

i have so far dated two guys who had lied about their ages. the two of them couldnt have been more different. both of them were fuck-ups that left me thinking "what the hell did i ever see in him?!?"

one was a predatory douche who pretended to be young so he could have sex with very young men. we lived in a rural area, and it was 'before the internet', so i felt lonely and isolated, and he took advantage of that. the other one was a immature headcase who had issues, with his own age and, as it turns out, a kazillion other things.

maybe your guy is different. but im very careful about the age thing now and i run like hell whenever somebody pretends to be younger than they are.

welcome to JUB!

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum.

Most people can't sustain a lie forever and there is some thinking that believes when people are caught in a lie it's because they want to be found out.

He needs to have the age difference discussion with you.

You need to learn a lesson on how to confront someone. Once you've caught someone in a lie present the evidence rather than having a gotcha moment when they lie again. "Your Facebook information tells me you were in your mid 40s rather than your mid 30s when we met."

I think you also need to confront your age difference issues and I'm also going to suggest that it would serve you well to be out to someone close to you. You're walking around with a huge secret with absolutely no support. That can be a huge burden. Too many secrets with this relationship is my evaluation. Take care and best wishes.

 

[Rolyo85]

I know I am singing the same tune in every topic ever, but if you came out, you wouldn't have to figure out the weird people because you'd have access to the normal ones. The guy has issues with age which point to issues of insecurity, and that naturally leads to manipulative behavior, clinginess and a ton of other stuff a college boy shouldn't have to deal with.

I do not like that sentence: "Can't believe someone can be that nice to me." Yes, people CAN be that nice to you, and when you are "with" someone, it should be a given they will be super nice to you, or something just isn't working right. But you have to ask yourself, if he lied to you about his age (and considering that the age gap was already big, the lie is kind of pointless), what else wasn't he honest about? Because the thing with lying is, once they buy something that wasn't true, it's very easy to lie again. I'm talking about his convenience, not some malice directed at you.

The question that I am not certain you have an answer for, but you should before you address the other issue, is whether YOU have a problem with his age. Forget that he lied about it and pretend for a second that he had simply told you. Would you be dating him if you knew? Now that you know, do you want to be dating him? Because I promise you, there ARE a ton of other guys that will date you, most of them closer to your own age. You don't HAVE to stay with the guy.


However, if you DO want to, regardless of his age, just confront him head on and say "I get that you might be insecure about it, considering the age gap, but I wish you had told me, because it really doesn't matter to me how old you are". Make him feel both comfortable with how you feel about his age, AND aware that this will only work if he is not lying to you. And next time you catch him in something like that, walk away.


...which I still think you should just do anyway.

 

[KaraBulut]

I like my boyfriend a lot. He is very nice to me. Can't believe someone can be that nice to me.

This is what matters. If you're happy with the relationship, the question of age is probably not a big deal.

I don't know what to do. I need to see him tomorrow. Should i pretend nothing happened? Just can't go to sleep now. I had to tell this story to someone. Thank you for reading. Please share your thoughts.

What's odd about this situation is that you've been dating for a year but there's something missing about the way you discuss the relationship. As if it's not a relationship of equals, maybe?

On one hand, it doesn't really matter if he's older than you.

On the other hand, why- after a year- are the two of you in a place where he's not honest? Is he afraid of losing you? Do you not feel like you're in an equal relationship where you're both bringing the same commitment to the relationship?

 

[subsonic]

Okay, from what I read out of your post - and feel free to correct me f I'm wrong - then the thing that bothers you is not the age difference itself so much, but more the fact that he was dishonest and lied to you.

Again, I won't preach about the importance of you coming out - I get that it is something that takes time and courage and there may be various reasons why a person is not comfortable coming out.
First of, I think that one should always strive to be as honest as one can especially when it comes to dating. How can you know anyone for who the really are if they aren't real? Still, I think that it's understandable that some people might be so insecure, ashamed or don't have a chance if certain aspects of them and their life is exposed. BUT with that said, one things are beginning to get serious and you are actually in a relationship with the person there is no longer an excuse - you have to be honest and open. Honesty is the foundation of a good, healthy relationship and you owe it to your partner if you are serious about the relationship.

The fact that this guy is uncomfortable even approaching the subject when he has been confronted with his lie shows signs of immaturity and I think that this is definitely a red flag.

You should really consider and think about whether or not this is a guy you can trust. He has been hiding this from you during your year-long relationship - it's not like he didn't have an opportunity to fess up.
Think about it! Don't be scared to leave him - there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

 

[bkitalyrican]

to put it clear and concise THIS IS A CRAZY PERSON RUN!!!!

 

[thefishinthesea23]

I think I understand why they would lie about their age. Our society has age stereotypes. When you state your age people expect certain things from you; you should have this and this and act like that and have over come other stuff. It is really silly imo.
Nobody should lie about their age, especially to someone they want to have a relationship with. Then again nobody wants to be trap in the age cage (you are too old/young to do this or be doing that). Perhaps he felt you wouldn't give him a chance if his true age was revealed?

Personally I very rarely ask a person age. I find myself judging people based on their age all too often so i try to avoid that.

Regardless it was wrong for him to lie to you about his age or anything.

 

[hotatlboi]

I agree with KaraBulut that the relationship is really what matters but also see loki's point, you need to feel secure enough to trust him, and if you suspect that he could be lying about more than just his age then that is probably going to be an issue for you.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

A boyfriend would have sat down and tried to talk things over right when they were brought up, tried to explain it so you'd understand why he did what he did, and tried to see where you stood on everything afterwards.- There should be enough of a bond after a year of knowing each other to be able to discuss this. A relationship works because there is communication- I think he needs to grow up. Shutting someone out doesn't help a relationship, it only hinders it.

It seems like he has no shame or regret for doing what he did, never even thought about if what it would be like if he needed to explain it to you one day. Never really considered the possibility of it being brought up. That should tell you something.

Should i pretend nothing happened?

You should never pretend nothing happened, if you are with someone that cares about you, it's their job to make you feel secure. Make you feel like you have nothing to worry about. To reassure you when you feel doubt. Not to just feed you a line to not worry about things.

I think you should really focus on Rolyo85's response- It is very well written, and I think he gave really good advice.

I'd really reconsider things if I were you.

 

[Incognito]

I was dating a guy once and he lied about his age. So I was 17 and he told me he was 24, at the time I considered that was already a fairly significant 'gap' that I had to live with. But things just didn't add up, the stories, even his appearance, songs he liked, etc. I had a suspicious feeling. One day, we'd been seeing each for about two months, when he was lying in bed I found his wallet. Hidden deep inside it was his drivers license which sure enough said he was 28...

I came to the bedroom and confronted him, "is there anything you've been lying to me about", he said "no", I asked him again "are you sure" - he still denied it. "Not even your age" I said.. He then got emotional and explained that he didn't think I would have ever met or dated him if I thought he was 28. Anyway I fell for it all, after all 'it doesn't really matter to me what age he was'..

But now I realize that if people can lie to you about something so fundamental as their age, they can probably lie about everything else. He did, he was a serial liar- I mean I liked him, he made a good boyfriend: but he just was never honest (lied and cheated, lied a little more). Even years after the fact he's still pretending to be younger so he can seduce younger guys.

Anyway, in my opinion, age doesn't really matter. While you're young perhaps you're best suited to younger guys- but I've always found myself getting along with all age groups. You should do what makes you happy, but seriously reevaluate whether you trust this guy.

 

[chance1]

my take is twofold:

hear you about the age diff being OK - concerned that his lying about it is a sympton of more - as loki said, lying is likely not a one-off situation

you seem to be hard on yourself as well - wondering if you approached it correctly and surprised that he likes you for you - would be good for you to look into that as it is a sign of insecurity on your part - not a huge deal but it can expose you to others who are not well intentioned or advantage takers

best of luck

 

[epod85]

Well it could be just insecurity.
I for instance have celebrated my 25th birthday 2 years almost.
However I do agree that a year is a long time to go without saying his real age could be a bad sign

 

[glasvegas]

My current bf lied about his age too. He stated he's 33 before we met, but after things get serious, I am dating him, in a short conversation, he admitted he's 39. I was in shock at that moment, since the age gap of me and him, is like 19/20 years.

I really like him, so I figured that age is just a number. Is the person that matters. But relationship based on lies is always not good, ask him to come clean on everything, my bf misled me thinking his job as a teacher too.