Biggest mistake I've known

[KaraBulut]

What is confusing is why you feel this is your mistake when your boyfriend has broken up with you.

It sounds like the two of you could use a break from the relationship. If what your boyfriend is saying is true, it sounds like he is not happy with his life and needs some time away. The best thing that you can do for the both of you is give him space and move on with your life for the time being.

 

[backpacker]

I'm sorry to hear about your break up. They are never easy, but time will heal your wounds. The best thing you can do is keep yourself busy so you don't dwell on the break up.

I don't think going out there was a mistake at all. At least you know that you tried everything. As funny as it sounds, that will make it much easier to move. You won't have the "what if I had gone to see him" haunting you.

 

[racer2438]

first here is a hug....

it takes 2 make a relationship and it takes 2 to break one up.

somewhere along the line the communication process stopped and things where set in motion.

You may opt to give some space for a while, or just try to move on. Dwelling on it will make it worse. But one cant help to do this the first few days.

But dont let it consume you. Figure out what went wrong and try to work on those issue's so they dont happen again.

Best of luck,,,

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>My mistake was going out there and thinking that any of the things I said would have made a difference. It hurts more than if I'd just waited for him to break up with me.

Possibly. But think about what would have happened had you NOT done that. Then you might be obsessing now with that thought you had back then. That if you HAD gone to see him, then somehow, it would've been OK. And that you didn't do that. And so you "blew your last chance".

What do you do now? Grieve. Cry. Kick the bed or punch the pillows or play the sad music. Whatever you have to do. It'll suck really bad, and then, day by day, it'll suck a little less.

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

You simply take time out to readjust your thinking. Some of it will happen right away, some will take a bit of time, some of it will take much longer.

Take stock. Who can you talk to? Us, if you have to, but anyone else? Any other available shoulders to lean on?

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

You cried. He knows something's wrong. And he's your friend. That's what he's there for. Tell him. You don't have to go into detail. Just say "it's over". He'll know what that means.

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

This is pretty common. The retracing of old ground, saying "Where did I screw up?" But the fact is - you may not have screwed up anywhere. If two people aren't compatible, they're incompatible. Or if one of them doesn't want it to work, it doesn't matter how much the other does. You can't help your emotions, but mentally, know that there's no basis for the guilt. HE called it off. He's alone and upset right now because you two broke up, and that's what happens when two people break up a lot of the time. You've even already done that "let's take time apart/try it again" thing. There's nothing left to do but end it, so you two can hopefully find someone who you CAN have a great relationship with.

Not that I mind posting at all, but I'm not quite understanding why you won't talk to your friends about this. Why wouldn't you share this with them?

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

You can always invite your friend over, sit him down next to the computer, and type the same stuff you've typed here. Or just show him the thread.

It's too early to think about anything past the sheer grief. Just let yourself be as sad as you want to be. As I said, cry, kick the bed, go off your diet with an ice cream sundae. You can worry about moving on, or even processing it all, once you get that out of your system.

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, it's your call. But talking about it - no matter how hard it is to do - and crying about it that helps you start moving forward.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Lex is right--it's time to grieve your loss and little else. Once time lets that terrible pain subside, then next steps will be possible to think about, and easier to take.

KB is also right in asking the question: Why do you think it's your fault that he broke up with you. It's possible that it's HIS fault and HIS issues, or neither fault--it just didn't work.

This is a really rough time right now. Let yourself grieve and get past the hurt. Learn, but don't over analyze--at least not now when it's so raw.

All the best to you. Most of us reading this read know the searing pain you're feeling right now. It does get better, I promise.

 

[bankside]

The thing that would be most helpful is if I knew where I'm supposed to be 'moving on' to.

To being alone, but stable? Hmm.

To finding someone else? No, not likely.

I still don't know what any of it even means.

You got it almost right on the first guess...

You have to be stable, alone or not. This kind of thing is one of the worst ways to be knocked off balance.

The first thing is to let yourself be alone, and find moments of contentment.
Being alone is the best idea, unless someone makes you a better offer. But there is lots of time for that.

Take care.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>The thing that would be most helpful is if I knew where I'm supposed to be 'moving on' to.

Right now, nowhere at all other than "I'm now, at this moment, solo". The rest will come.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Yes it is over.

You couldn't change the outcome. Whether you went there or didn't.

And it hurts.

But you'll move on given time.

Try to learn something from the break-up though. Your high expectations of him and your relationship may have driven a wedge between you.

 

[spencer]

I guess the question I would want to know is how come during your relationship he wasn't able to excell in life? Why wasn't he able to become a better person? And was he blaming you for not?

 

[rareboy]

I'm reading what you wrote and between the lines.

If you don't communicate with him along the way, you likely have higher expectations of the other person and hope against hope that they will feel the same as you, and want the same things you do as well. Often, if they don't, a schism can open up in a relationship until the divide becomes too great.

I'll bet that you have on more than one occasion expressed or seemed to express disappointment in him and your relationship.

The fact that you flew off to see him (which was a good thing by the way) demonstrates that you thought there was more potential in the relationship than he did.

Maybe it was all him, but I think you might just ask yourself if you have been as positive and supportive of him over the last months. There was something apparently missing.

Wish him all the best and hope he finds his happiness and then get out there and do the same.

 

[bankside]

I guess he just got comfortable.

I asked if he thought it would really make much of a difference without me, he said yes. I don't think he blamed me but I guess decided that he wouldn't be able to balance both me and his career.

I had a manager with a great career who complained of being single. It is his choice, one he will have to live with. They wrote a book about choosing career over heart. It was called "A Christmas Carol." As I recall, it worked out okay for everyone, eventually.

As far as getting a better offer than being alone, it is just a question to being open to the idea if it happens. It would be rude to ignore an offer like that because of pessimism or self-doubt.

Anyway there is plenty of time for that, and now is not the time... now we need Pianist to wander into the thread and make tea. It works...

 

[spencer]

Personally, when you're in a healthy relationship it allows you to do better in everything, including your career. Telling someone they're the reason they're being held back is a cop out.

Many couples have one that works while the other is put through school and it eventually leads to more success than if they were alone. Also, people are happier in relationships and are inspired to do well in school or work.

Granted one could insinuate that I'm saying you guys didn't have a healthy relationship, but reguardless he basically said it was your fault. Which I cry shenanigans because his life is his responsibilty.

 

[G-Lexington]

You don't want him back. You want a version of him back. One that actually is willing to make a relationship with you work. But that guy doesn't exist, does he?

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

You're not sure you're smart enough to realize it? Or not sure it's the case? Because absolutely all evidence points to it being the case. He broke it off. Not once, but twice.

Lex