On Topic Discussion Birthday Activity Suggestions?

[MattyMoonTonight]

This might be a silly request, but would anyone have any suggestions for exciting or interesting activities that a thirty-something can do on their birthday? Have you been in the same situation, and if so, what did you do to get past this yearly funk?

I’m not going to lie to myself or anyone else, I’m well past the age to believe that one’s birthday is anything more than just another day, another spin around the sun. But like they say in Storm of The Century, Hell is repetition, and I get tired of doing nothing but wallow in the same stagnant self-pity. Geographical location is my biggest limitation when it comes to joining in all the things I wish I could have done a decade ago, but I can’t keep using that as a crutch anymore.

I’m sorry that this all sounds asinine, but I’m just tired of seeing another birthday where I make myself a cake, have perhaps one too many cuba libres, fantasize about relationships, and watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 or Elvira’s Movie Macabre until I fall asleep. Any suggestion would be appreciated.

 

[PalacePaul]

For my 40th birthday I went to a spa. Not any spa, but one inspired in ancient Roman bathhouses. I had the time of my life!

 

[Peloso]

You should investigate the underlying causes of why you are feeling this way. You acknowledge that one's birthday is "just another day" yet you're still trying to make something special of the fact that it's your birthday. Perhaps adjusting your expectations is a good way to begin, and by that I don't mean accepting that you're alone. Instead, accept that you have some work to do if you want your birthday to be special.

. . I get tired of doing nothing but wallow in the same stagnant self-pity.

Ask yourself if you're lonely and/or depressed and if you are, take steps to deal with that. There's no standard remedy for loneliness, but depression can be easily addressed, and depression can sometimes be the root cause of loneliness. Take stock of your life and attend to the issues that you feel are bringing you down. If you succeed, this birthday problem should practically solve itself.

 

[Vannie]

For me personally. I would gorge myself on stuffed cabbages and fart myself to sleep.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

For my 40th birthday I went to a spa. Not any spa, but one inspired in ancient Roman bathhouses. I had the time of my life!

That's sounds luxurious. I've seen photos of those and they look wonderful. I would if I could, but in my rural-heavy area, I'd be lucky enough to find a motel pool. Also, I'm still trying to conquer that stupid voice in my head that says "Guys don't do that."

You should investigate the underlying causes of why you are feeling this way. You acknowledge that one's birthday is "just another day" yet you're still trying to make something special of the fact that it's your birthday. Perhaps adjusting your expectations is a good way to begin, and by that I don't mean accepting that you're alone. Instead, accept that you have some work to do if you want your birthday to be special.

Ask yourself if you're lonely and/or depressed and if you are, take steps to deal with that. There's no standard remedy for loneliness, but depression can be easily addressed, and depression can sometimes be the root cause of loneliness. Take stock of your life and attend to the issues that you feel are bringing you down. If you succeed, this birthday problem should practically solve itself.

Thank you. I definitely know that I have work to do on my side. Among other things, I've had chronic depression and anxiety for the better part of two decades, and I've been taking medication and seeing a therapist for perhaps two months at this point. Even though I know that I need these things to overcome my feelings of self-contempt, I feel like they're not doing enough. I have to be proactive and do something, to force myself to be in situations I wouldn't normally be in, and hopefully I'll find that silver bullet.

I live in a rural-heavy area, the same tiny town I was raised in. I've never been around any LGBT community here, because that community in this state is two to three hours away in the city. Now that I've been accepting my sexuality this year, I've been trying to put myself out there, in places where there is a community. Admittedly, these occasions have only made me feel like a trespasser, which led to the decision to seek help with my mental health. But again, I feel like it's doing too little.

 

[CochondeMontreal]

Dude, I'm turning 46 next and I have NEVER gotten to the place where my birthday is just another day. Maybe it's cuz I'm a Libra and we're known to be Pretty Princesses, but... for me my birthday is all about fun! Someone above mentioned going to a spa. I've done this on my birthday, I've done massages, facials, good drink... sometimes it's wine, or champagne or a special gin. I don't rely on others for presents, so I always pick and chooses presents to myself. Every year I pick a fragrance. This year I'm going with Bees Knees from Lush. Last year I did HWYL from Aesop... so this year I want to check out this bookshop here in Montreal where they do books and cocktails! They specialize in Queer Fantasy, Romance, Horror, and SciFi, and while I generally don't read that type of genre I'm game for the sake of checking out this bookshop. Gathering some friends, we'll peruse books, have some cocktails, I think someone mentioned a place for Korean BBQ where you can bring your own wine, and then probably end at someone's place to try this strawberry gin.

Every year I try to do things that are FUN! That make me appreciate being alive, it's my day damnit! One year, I went to get a message and then met up with a guys I was seeing at the time. We spent the day having sex and eating frosting off each other's assholes, balls and dicks, it was so much fun. Other years I've gone to art exhibits and plays, my first year in Montreal my fellow students got me tanked at a Lesbian karaoke bar.

The coming Monday actually I'm going to a spa for a facial and a massage, I splurge! Birthdays are awesome. I've got amazing friends who humour me, and I can gift myself what I want because, I'm special.

 

[PalacePaul]

The coming Monday actually I'm going to a spa for a facial and a massage, I splurge! Birthdays are awesome. I've got amazing friends who humour me, and I can gift myself what I want because, I'm special.

Good for you! But some of us don't, and we have to take care of ourselves

 

[Peloso]

I definitely know that I have work to do on my side. Among other things, I've had chronic depression and anxiety for the better part of two decades, and I've been taking medication and seeing a therapist for perhaps two months at this point. Even though I know that I need these things to overcome my feelings of self-contempt, I feel like they're not doing enough. I have to be proactive and do something, to force myself to be in situations I wouldn't normally be in, and hopefully I'll find that silver bullet.

I live in a rural-heavy area, the same tiny town I was raised in. I've never been around any LGBT community here, because that community in this state is two to three hours away in the city. Now that I've been accepting my sexuality this year, I've been trying to put myself out there, in places where there is a community. Admittedly, these occasions have only made me feel like a trespasser, which led to the decision to seek help with my mental health. But again, I feel like it's doing too little.

Before you discount therapy, make sure you are truly giving it a chance. Are you being honest and open with your therapist? Are you taking their advice and doing the work?

Therapy may help with your anxiety and depression, but it's up to you to, as you say, put yourself out there. Any newbie in an unfamiliar scene is going to feel awkward at first, so don't perceive these feelings as some kind of failure.

We share some similar issues, but I am decidedly asocial, so I'm hoping someone else here might be able to advise on how to ingratiate yourself into the community.

 

[CochondeMontreal]

Good for you! But some of us don't, and we have to take care of ourselves

Ok.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

Dude, I'm turning 46 next and I have NEVER gotten to the place where my birthday is just another day. Maybe it's cuz I'm a Libra and we're known to be Pretty Princesses, but... for me my birthday is all about fun! Someone above mentioned going to a spa. I've done this on my birthday, I've done massages, facials, good drink... sometimes it's wine, or champagne or a special gin. I don't rely on others for presents, so I always pick and chooses presents to myself. Every year I pick a fragrance. This year I'm going with Bees Knees from Lush. Last year I did HWYL from Aesop... so this year I want to check out this bookshop here in Montreal where they do books and cocktails! They specialize in Queer Fantasy, Romance, Horror, and SciFi, and while I generally don't read that type of genre I'm game for the sake of checking out this bookshop. Gathering some friends, we'll peruse books, have some cocktails, I think someone mentioned a place for Korean BBQ where you can bring your own wine, and then probably end at someone's place to try this strawberry gin.

Every year I try to do things that are FUN! That make me appreciate being alive, it's my day damnit! One year, I went to get a message and then met up with a guys I was seeing at the time. We spent the day having sex and eating frosting off each other's assholes, balls and dicks, it was so much fun. Other years I've gone to art exhibits and plays, my first year in Montreal my fellow students got me tanked at a Lesbian karaoke bar.

The coming Monday actually I'm going to a spa for a facial and a massage, I splurge! Birthdays are awesome. I've got amazing friends who humour me, and I can gift myself what I want because, I'm special.

All of that sounds like fun. I'm terribly introverted - I'm much better than I used to be, and I'm willing to act more extroverted, but there's still that feeling when I'm around others, or even enjoying myself around others, of their eyes watching me and surely they must be thinking "Look at this disgusting, talentless fag." Even when I traveled to a gay resort earlier this year, I still felt this. My final night there was the lowest I ever felt in a very long time that it was one of the factors that led me to finally seeking help with my mental health. That cocktail bookstore definitely sounds like something I would enjoy, I wish there was something like that around here. Thanks for the suggestions; I'll make up a list and see if anything jumps out at me.

Before you discount therapy, make sure you are truly giving it a chance. Are you being honest and open with your therapist? Are you taking their advice and doing the work?

Therapy may help with your anxiety and depression, but it's up to you to, as you say, put yourself out there. Any newbie in an unfamiliar scene is going to feel awkward at first, so don't perceive these feelings as some kind of failure.

We share some similar issues, but I am decidedly asocial, so I'm hoping someone else here might be able to advise on how to ingratiate yourself into the community.

I think I am. I'm pretty sure I am. My only issue with it, and my therapist acknowledged it earlier, is that it focuses more on getting a handle on past experiences and not so much on suggesting plans moving forward into the future.

Actually, you just reminded me about a worry I had for a while. Whether or not I even want the therapy to work. I'm just used to being down and apathetic, just a depressing bitch that instantly brings down the atmosphere in any space they enter. I've read so many self-esteem, confidence-boosting books that it's just words to me. Past experiences have taught me that just trying doesn't always work, so trying again won't lead to anything positive.

If you looked at my browser history, you'd see entries like "how to be a part of the LGBT Community" or "making LGBT friendships." A lot of resulting sites mention things like "Eventually, you'll find your tribe." That's real damn helpful, ain't it? They talk about finding a sort of guru to help you weave yourself into a community, as if they're just anywhere looking for some lost person who needs the assistance. I'm understanding that these are suggestions for people half my age, and I have to get well out of my comfort box to hope for some kind of positive change.

 

[EddMarkStarr]

Hey MattyMoonTonight, if you are a treat-yourself-to-a-toy kind of boy, how about a robot Megatron?

 

[rareboy]

Why don't you plan a trip into a city with the idea of seeing a play or musical performance you might want to see. Get a nice hotel, try some new food you've never had before.

I would note that you mention no friends in the community you live in.

That suggests a degree of self isolation that that should be a goal to overcome this year.

Happy Birthday.

 

[mnpervert]

Why don't you plan a trip into a city with the idea of seeing a play or musical performance you might want to see. Get a nice hotel, try some new food you've never had before.

I would note that you mention no friends in the community you live in.

That suggests a degree of self isolation that that should be a goal to overcome this year.

Happy Birthday.

Really great advice!

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

Why don't you plan a trip into a city with the idea of seeing a play or musical performance you might want to see. Get a nice hotel, try some new food you've never had before.

I would note that you mention no friends in the community you live in.

That suggests a degree of self isolation that that should be a goal to overcome this year.

Happy Birthday.

Thank you very much. Actually, these past couple of days, I've been considering it, sort of half-planning to do a trip into the city. It would have to be next week, but I'd be open to try it. I know it's something I need to do. I'm just torn up wanting to do it and being too scared of negative results. The more I keep thinking about it, the more I see myself sitting at a bar, nursing a drink and feeling like I've walked into another place where the people are quietly laughing at me like at the resort this past spring. I figure if I just lean more toward impulsivity and not worrying about the possibilities, It'll work out.

 

[Peloso]

Thank you very much. Actually, these past couple of days, I've been considering it, sort of half-planning to do a trip into the city. It would have to be next week, but I'd be open to try it. I know it's something I need to do. I'm just torn up wanting to do it and being too scared of negative results. The more I keep thinking about it, the more I see myself sitting at a bar, nursing a drink and feeling like I've walked into another place where the people are quietly laughing at me like at the resort this past spring. I figure if I just lean more toward impulsivity and not worrying about the possibilities, It'll work out.

If you're going to the city to drink, just don't lean too far toward impulsivity.

And don't hold back in being honest with anyone you might talk to. Newbies generally get a lot of attention in gay bars. Or used to.

 

[rareboy]

Thank you very much. Actually, these past couple of days, I've been considering it, sort of half-planning to do a trip into the city. It would have to be next week, but I'd be open to try it. I know it's something I need to do. I'm just torn up wanting to do it and being too scared of negative results. The more I keep thinking about it, the more I see myself sitting at a bar, nursing a drink and feeling like I've walked into another place where the people are quietly laughing at me like at the resort this past spring. I figure if I just lean more toward impulsivity and not worrying about the possibilities, It'll work out.

Going to a city just to likely drink alone is likely not a recipe for a great birthday.

It is like you have this idea that the world should act upon you and that you are not the one to act upon the rest of the world. If you go to the city, it should be to participate and to seek out something you would really enjoy doing on your own or with others.

I am not a birthday person AT ALL. Birthdays mean and always have meant nothing to me. It is just some artificial day, an accidental milestone. My take is pretty much this...

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

If you're going to the city to drink, just don't lean too far toward impulsivity.

And don't hold back in being honest with anyone you might talk to. Newbies generally get a lot of attention in gay bars. Or used to.

Absolutely. I've never been blackout drunk, and I've never seen the pleasure in drinking. It's more of a social lubricant for me, just a cocktail or two per diem. It's always concerned me how deeply entrenched alcoholism is with the LGBTQ community. I understand the reasons behind it, but it's still a bit unfortunate.

I'm hoping honesty isn't a detriment for me. I know just enough about the scene to know that being boring, untalented, or over the age of 26 is enough to be ostracized.

Going to a city just to likely drink alone is likely not a recipe for a great birthday.

It is like you have this idea that the world should act upon you and that you are not the one to act upon the rest of the world. If you go to the city, it should be to participate and to seek out something you would really enjoy doing on your own or with others.

I am not a birthday person AT ALL. Birthdays mean and always have meant nothing to me. It is just some artificial day, an accidental milestone. My take is pretty much this...

View attachment 3272159

I agree. But I don't really intend to be imbibing from start to finish during this future vacation. There's plenty of other things in the city that I'd like to do, foremost to do some research for a couple writing projects I have lined up, so I'm researching if I can have in-person interviews with some of the staff at a couple museums. I don't expect to even find anyone to talk to, but if I do, that'd be a rare perk.

It's true, I feel like I don't have much agency in acting upon the rest of the world, because I've known that one person really can't make any change on the world.

 

[Peloso]

I know just enough about the scene to know that being boring, untalented, or over the age of 26 is enough to be ostracized.

It's good that you know this but you might also want to stop for a sec and consider what it is exactly that you are trying to achieve. Are you looking for friends and dating or are you intent on ingratiating yourself into the scene in general? Introverts, as I'm sure you know, do not necessarily find much comfort in many "scenes". Add to this the fact that the whole concept of "scenes" has been fractured by internet culture and you could be setting yourself up for more discouragement

There's plenty of other things in the city that I'd like to do, foremost to do some research for a couple writing projects I have lined up, so I'm researching if I can have in-person interviews with some of the staff at a couple museums. I don't expect to even find anyone to talk to, but if I do, that'd be a rare perk.

Now you're on the right track. This is an excellent idea. You will increase your odds for success if you enter into things with your interests in mind. What are your biggest passions? Whatever they are, you will be sure to find a niche for them in any sizeable city. Seek them out. Better yet, maybe gravitate toward the interests you have that are commonly shared by people who engage with alternative cultures. Museums are not a bad place to start. Drag shows not so much.

There are gay men everywhere, not just in bars. In fact, the quality and potential of the people you might come to talk to will rise sharply the further you wander away from the bar scene.

Also, circling back a bit, I feel like I should mention that no matter what happens, do not allow yourself to be led anywhere by your dick.

 

[PalacePaul]

Focusing on your interests is always a good option. It's a good reason to take trip, or join a group and meet interesting people. And very often some of these people are gay, too. And some of them can become good friends.
That's something I never imagined at 20, but it's true.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

sex