Bisexual best friend acting strange

[Ephemeral]

To give you the background information:

Me and my best friend (let's call him Devin) have known each other since elementary school. We lost contact in middle school then went to the same high school and became friends again. There was a year in HS where we didn't talk after I came out to him (he reacted badly), but after he came out to me senior year, we became good friends again. It wasn't until the end of senior year/beginning of college that we actually became best friends.

Present day:

We're sophomores in college. He has been dating a guy for over a year now. The beginning of the relationship was very rough but they made it work, though they still have their issues.

The problem is the way Devin has been acting. He has always said he could never have sex with me or us be in a relationship since I'm like family to him. Now, his statements and actions are changing.

First he said he's not attracted to Black guys but I'd be the only one he'd date. I didn't think much of the comment and went on about my business. Then he said he would date me if he wasn't dating his current boyfriend. Again, I blew off the statement.

Now the strange comments are becoming more frequent and bolder. Mentioning how nice I always smell, giving me longer hugs and how addictive my hugs are, how I'm the only person to make him laugh, saying how sexy my body is, how he'd lay in bed with me naked, how much we think alike. When him and his boyfriend were cuddling once, he demanded that I join in.

I don't know what to make of these statements. He is my best friend and is in a relationship. When Devin and his boyfriend were going through their issues, they did discuss having an open relationship. Even if he was single, I would not want to date him. Though he is attractive, it'd be too awkward and we have different mentalities and ways of thinking (though he claims we think just alike). I did have a crush on him once and I told him about it. But this was 5 years ago, back in 9th Grade! Those feelings are long gone.

Am I making too big of a deal about this or are my concerns justified?

 

[HunterM]

Sounds like he wants you. Just tell him what you told us:
"Hey, I would not want to date you. Though you are attractive, it'd be too awkward and we have different mentalities and ways of thinking."

This way, you let him know where you stand. Then leave it at that. By not speaking up, you are not stopping his unwanted behavior. From his point of view, you must like his sexy comments. By not speaking up, he might be thinking you're leading him on...playing hard to get.

So if you don't like what he's doing to you. Speak up. It's not difficult.

 

[racer2438]

I would that you love/value him as a good friend and don't want to risk any bad feelings. And it would be best to not mix sex/hook -ups w/him.

 

[Ephemeral]

I would think being silent would let a person know just how uncomfortable they are with their comments instead of the opposite.

Thanks for replying. Do you think it would make our friendship awkward if I tell him to stop?

 

[Seasoned]

No, I think it would help the relationship in the long run. I would have thought your silence would have work, but since it hasn't the direct approach is the next step. In the end you'll be telling him the same thing he once told you. Best wishes.

 

[TX-Beau]

When it comes to your personal space and things that make you uncomfortable, you have to draw the line, and you have to enforce it. We can't control what other people do, we can only control what we're willing to put up with.

Plus there is the possibility in your situation that what he's doing is using you as a surrogate for what's wrong in his own relationship.

Bring it up, see what he says - but remember, he could be lying to himself as well as you about how he feels, and the moment he's free of his boyfriend, things could change drastically.

You never know.

 

[ezwriter]

This has happened to me on a couple of occasions with long-time friends.

I guess I'm not wired that way, because for me, when I mentally put someone in the "friend" category, that's where they stay. Permanently.

But I've learned that not everybody's like that. There are people who, even after a long friendship, will suddenly out of the blue start to look at you in a new way.

I'm going to dissent a bit from the other posters here and suggest that you not tell him straight out, but rather you let him know via physical cues and subtle hints. If he tries to linger in a hug, push him away. If he tries to cuddle with you, get up and go to the bathroom. If he says something about dating you, be casually dismissive. He most likely will get the hint.

He is probably being indirect with you because he doesn't want your rejection. Another thing I've learned is that some people really, really, really don't handle rejection well, no matter how nice you try to be about it. There's a chance that you straight-out telling him you're not into him sexually/romantically will damage the friendship, and you will be looking at another year-or-longer rift.