Blackmail

[hilltop08]

So I have an issue and need some help on how I can handle the situation.

A little over a year ago I had my first sexual experience with a good friend of mine, he's straight and I'm bi and I thought very much that something more would flourish out of our relationship then just a random morning sex thing. Well in some ways it did and some ways it didn't, our feelings for each other got stronger and as they did he denied having those feelings. SO upon speaking with different friends about to do to make him confess his feelings for me one of my friends suggested I should hookup with someone to make him jealous. Well it did, until I told him that I don't even like the other guy, now it's just a big joke between us.

My problem is with the guy I hooked up with. He is a friend of a girl I know. He's gay and very out and I'm not out to that many people, for family reasons. He didn't even know i was interested in guys until I told him one day after we had been chatting with each other for a while. One day, after many failed attempts by him to get us to hang out alone together, I finally gave in and we watched a movie together. During the movie he made a move on me and things happened and we had sex. He's not they type of guy that I like at all, and solely did it to make my friend jealous, which I know was wrong and words can't even begin to describe how bad I feel about the situation.

Well since that day we haven't hung out, every few months or so he'll text me asking if we can see each other and I always decline cause I don't want it to happen again. I've told him that what I did was wrong and I understand why he's pissed at me for not ever wanting to hang out, but nothing that I say seems to matter to him.

As of late he's been using our first time together as blackmail to get us back together. He'll ask to hang out and again I'll decline and then he'll say that if we don't he'll tell everyone about what happened between us. It wouldn't bother me as much if he did go off and tell his friends that he had sex once but I'm afraid that it'll get back to my aunt who works at our university and I also have a cousin that will also be attending the university next semester.

He's said that all he wants to be is friends, but how can I be friends with someone constantly is dangling something over your head. I just don't feel that's the way friendships are made. I've told him that he's not my type, and I could never see us working out and I've apologized countless times for putting feelings into his mind of a relationship when I know I didn't want one. But nothing I say works, he says he will keep using this against me just to get what he wants.

Are there any suggestions about how to handle the situation before something happens. I'm generally a non-combative person, but I feel this whole situation is backing me into a corner and the only way to get out is to make a scene.

 

[medic1]

Buddy blackmail is against the law if you can record him saying this or save
his messages , then tell hin what you have done and if he does not fucking
back off say that you are going to get the police involved .
You will be surprised just how often this tactic works , because most blackmailers are basically just cowards and there is also the sexual element.
What i have noticed ever since that tragic murder of Mathew Shephard all police
forces have really gotten their finger out when it comes to things like this.
DONT let this piece of shit dictate your life.
I think when he see,s the prospect of jail-time you will see a dust-cloud i wish
you all the best in such a horrible situation but please remember this is not of
your doing at all .
Stay the course m8 the guy is just a piece of shit as i have said before not much
but hope it help,s .

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, there are several things here that are worrying. First off, you yourself didn't listen to your friend when he told you no, instead you went and told your friends, the went about trying to manipulate him into doing what you wanted, on the justification that you knew what was in his head.

Yeah,

This other guy is more aggressive and overt but is after the exact same thing you were.

Both of you were wrong.

how do you handle blackmail? You can't be very far in the closet if you're discussing with your friends how to "force," a straight guy into being with you. Come the fuck out. What's the other guy going to do then?

I suspect the lot of you have a lot of avoidable dramas, like the ones above in your lives.

 

[lonnie1]

As someone who was in the closet for 40 years, I agree with TX-Beau. Believe me I know how hard it is and the fear involved, but your life will be sooo much better when you don't have to live a lie. You don't even have to tell anyone. Just let the blackmail guy say what he wants. You can take the position of not responding, if you want. Your sexuality is only your business.

 

[maxpowr9]

Coming out would solve all these problems. If that isn't option for you, the next best thing is to just ignore this guy. Even dignifying him with a response is enough fuel to keep his fire going. Sure you may lose your female friend in the process but such is life. You can always make new friends.

 

[LatinCoffee]

OP...you're as much to blame as this blackmailer...why use someone as a guinea pig to get what you want. You were very slefish in this situation but also know that if you are putting yourself out there like this--you're gonna hurt other people. Advise the gay individual that as much as you want to be friends that that won't happen and to back off or the police will get involved and hopefully that works. Let this be a lesson learned to you as well!

Good luck!

 

[KaraBulut]

Blackmail is the art of threatening to do something that- if you were to do it- would get you nothing.

As long as you keep the secret, he has the power. As long as you're afraid he's going to tell, he has the power.

You'd be better off changing your phone number and calling his bluff. If he does tell, your response is, "This gay guy is so desperate that he's been trying to blackmail me into having sex with him. How pathetic is that?".

 

[hilltop08]

Thanks guys.

I do understand that what I did is wrong on so many levels and I would do anything to go back and change it, hooking up with someone and using them as a ploy to get someone's attention is so out of character for me and I ever thought that it would have caused they hurt that it has I would have never done it.

I've tried explaining to him what I was going through and he's told me about his feelings and about how he wants to be friends or more but I honestly just don't see that happening, especially after him threatening me. Don't get me wrong, I can totally see where he is coming from, my actions were deplorable, but I tried to make it better by telling him that it was a mistake on my part and I should have never done it. I just honestly feel like he's taking it way too far. He agrees that nothing good will come out of this "relationship" if they only way we talk is with him blackmailing me, but he thinks that either somehow one day things are just going to be different or he's going to keep using this just to get what he wants from me.

Coming out isn't really an option right now. In a perfect world, I would be able to go to my family and tell them that I'm gay and there would be no repercussions to that, but it just isn't the case. My parents are paying for my schooling, my aunt pays for things I need at school, and my grandfather pays my car, I'm very much dependent on them and I know that coming out would change the things they do for me. I'm just more worried that it'll get back to my aunt if it does ever come out. And they only people at school that know that i'm out are close friends of mine, all who know about my family situation.

 

[bhandsome]

Thanks guys.

I do understand that what I did is wrong on so many levels and I would do anything to go back and change it, hooking up with someone and using them as a ploy to get someone's attention is so out of character for me and I ever thought that it would have caused they hurt that it has I would have never done it.

I've tried explaining to him what I was going through and he's told me about his feelings and about how he wants to be friends or more but I honestly just don't see that happening, especially after him threatening me. Don't get me wrong, I can totally see where he is coming from, my actions were deplorable, but I tried to make it better by telling him that it was a mistake on my part and I should have never done it. I just honestly feel like he's taking it way too far. He agrees that nothing good will come out of this "relationship" if they only way we talk is with him blackmailing me, but he thinks that either somehow one day things are just going to be different or he's going to keep using this just to get what he wants from me.

Coming out isn't really an option right now. In a perfect world, I would be able to go to my family and tell them that I'm gay and there would be no repercussions to that, but it just isn't the case. My parents are paying for my schooling, my aunt pays for things I need at school, and my grandfather pays my car, I'm very much dependent on them and I know that coming out would change the things they do for me. I'm just more worried that it'll get back to my aunt if it does ever come out. And they only people at school that know that i'm out are close friends of mine, all who know about my family situation.

Although you are financially dependent on them, coming out to them will prove if they have your best interest in mind. If they stop helping you due to your sexuality them that's their loss.

 

[Georgiadude]

I know you said you were wrong for what you did and this is a no flame zone so I'm not going to get too carried away but your actions are just as inexcusable as his. you used someone and played with his emotions in some kind of sick game. I'm not defending or excusing what he's doing but he's playing you like you played him. he feels used and taken advantage of. what he's doing is wrong but I can't say that I feel sorry for you either. if you had told him in the beginning that it was just a hook up or a 1 time thing it would have saved you a lot of trouble. instead you decided to use him to make someone jealous. that's fucked up. you even admit that he's not your type and that it took a lot of talking on his part to get you to hang out with him. then you hook up with him??? I'm sure he was confused as hell.

theres a few things you can do. as others have said you can call his bluff and take the chance he will just fade away. you can come out and just get it over with. you'd be surprised. theres a good chance your family already knows or suspects things. you can cut off all contact. don't answer his txts' or calls and change your number. the last thing I can think of is you can try and get a restraining order against him. if he's threatening you they may issue one.

I've had someone use me before and it hurts. I didn't do anything to retaliate but this guy doesnt sound like he's mentally stable and is out for revenge. Neither of you are right and I hope you learned your lesson.

Steven.

 

[Seasoned]

Cut off all contact with him. If you must, tell your family you experimented under pressure and you have blackmailed. There are never perfect secrets. I don't know what you are currently doing for sex, but keep it far, far from this guy.

 

[unloadonme]

"Publish and be damned"

Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington

 

[racer2438]

If you don't like drama then why create it as you both have done.

It's like you were the director and the blackmailer is the producer and you but made one hell of a screenplay and blew up in your face. How old are you?

And I would record and or save his text's to show police and be prepared for the consequences. You made you own mud hole and you have to play in it and clean up the mess.

Shame on you to manipulate the str8t/bi guy as you are trying to do..

It amaze's me at the immaturity of people that get them self in there own shit they made and then come crying for advice. The Blackmailer is very wrong legally and you are very wrong morally for what you did.

So put on your big boy pants and clean this mess up, face the mirror and ask your self is this what I want out of life to be running scared all the time or just cowboy up and walk gracefully out of the closet and be free...

And using your family for financial support to not come out is a lame excuse. You just don't want to cuz then the gravy train stops. So you are really also using your family just for money also.

 

[Georgiadude]

Evidently not. LOL

Good lord! It sounds like the blackmailer might have hacked into some of the accounts here and replied to this thread, judging from some of the angry posts. I guess owning up to a mistake, showing remorse, learning from it, and trying to fix it just isn't enough for some people. Apparently, the OP should be punished somehow to redeem himself.

Anyway, I'll second the "come out and/or ignore him" advice. Good luck working this out.

yes. owning up to what he did, showing remorse and trying to fix it are steps in the right direction. however what he did is a terrible thing. it's not some little breach of etiquette. he used another person as a pawn in this sick game he and the other guy came up with. just saying "its out of character for me and I made a mistake" doesn't cut it. I'm not saying the blackmailer is totally innocent in this. he's a scumbag and deserves to go to jail. However the op opened this can of worms and has to face the consequences. I'm not going to say "oh, I'm so sorry this is happening and you poor thing." people are not objects to be toyed with and this is a very serious thing that happened.

I've been the pawn and it's a terrible thing to have happen to you. it's confusing, tears you apart and destroys your self esteem. your left wondering what the hell you did to deserve to be treated like this. why me? its also very difficult to be able to trust people again. it's ALWAYS in the back of one's mind. Am I being used again?

the blackmailer is out for revenge. he's a nut job and a bully. the op used the wrong person and is paying for it big time. I honestly think the op should do a few things. he needs to cut off all contact with this guy. have one last conversations with him first. re explain what happened. apologize profusely and tell him he is cutting off all contact. tell him he's got copies of all the txts and emails and will go to the police if he doesn't stop immediately. if he does "out" him he can choose to come out or explain it away. Coming out would make most of this go away. last, I think the op should get some counseling. not only to help him come to terms with what he did to another person but to help him come to terms with his sexuality and the coming out process.

Steven.

 

[Georgiadude]

Yeah, I understand where you're coming from and I realize the OP did a horrible thing. I'm not excusing it at all. But based on what he wrote, I think he sees the error of his ways and is genuinely sorry, so scolding him continuously in spite of that seems pointless to me. We might as well let him take the advice he was given (which I agree with) and move forward now.

when I made my initial post 2 people had made slight references to what the op did as being wrong. nobody had admitted to having been the person that was used and toyed with like I had. I didn't flame him nor put the entire blame on him. although if he hadn't used this guy he wouldn't be in this position. I was trying to let him know what it feels like to be the person that was used. I also offered advice on what I think he should do to help end the mess he created. had I just wanted to "scold" him I wouldn't have offered any advice at all.

I stand by my two posts and the advice I gave to try and help him out of this mess. I dont want to turn this into bickering back and forth and will just leave it at that. hope you have a great week.

Steven.

 

[Georgiadude]

It's alright, man. You don't have to get defensive. I wasn't trying to start a fight. It was just a humorous observation to begin with. I respect all your opinions nonetheless.

no offense taken and not defensive. I just like to explain my rational. thats all.

were good.

Steven.

 

[KaraBulut]

Putting things back on track...

When someone comes here asking for advice or insight, we really should focus on the advice that they have requested. In cases like this, the toothpaste is out of the tube. Yes, the OP did something that was both foolish and a bit cruel. And if karma were a sure thing, the situation would be his just deserts.

But karma is seldom that clear-cut.

In the first post, there was mention of it being a joke but in a later post, he acknowledged that he made a mistake. And that should put the issue to rest:

I do understand that what I did is wrong on so many levels and I would do anything to go back and change it, hooking up with someone and using them as a ploy to get someone's attention is so out of character for me and I ever thought that it would have caused they hurt that it has I would have never done it.

We've all done similar things- things that are out of character, things that are cause for regret and things we wish we could undo.

So, back to advice...

 

[altlover85]

if some random stranger outed you and you denied it, and your family chose to believe some stranger bitch over their own son/nephew... you're probably not as in the closet as you think you are.

I think loki81 is right on the money. Even if he outs you, you can always deny it, even if I think that's not the healthiest option, it is the most practical one.

 

[hilltop08]

So i know that this thread has been "dead" for a few months now. I did read everything that was wrote and there hasn't been contact between us since this situation. Since coming back to campus we've seen each other once in passing, acknowledgements were made towards each other but that was the end, until today.

I got a text message from him trying to hit me up for sex and I refused which made him angry. Again he says that if I don't meet him he's going to out me to everyone. I then in turn tell him that if that's what he feels he needs to do for this to be over then so be it. He said he would come to my dorm (which I've never invited him to my current dorm but he knew where I stayed at) and tell everyone there.

He then basically starts saying that my apology doesn't matter and he's out to ruin my life until he either gets his way or he stops caring about it. He's saying things like the next time he sees me on campus he's going to have a real nice surprise for me, and he can't wait to ruin me. The last thing I got from him was making a reference about meeting me before my first class in the morning (he knew the exact location and time even though we don't share the class together) and making a scene there in-front of everyone.

I've since called the campus police about the situation and they informed me that I could file a police report about the harassment and if I wanted to further pursue it I could take it to the county courthouse and they would decide how they want prosecute.

 

[Frosty]

What a fucking rat. I think you should tell him you're going to take the harassment to court if he doesn't stop harassing and blackmailing you and at the end of the message tell him you're blocking his number. After that block his number and don't read or reply to any of his text messages at all. If you don't know how to block numbers, change his name to "Don't answer" on your phone until you figure out how to do it. I think you call your phone company and tell them what number you want to block but that might just be my phone company.

If he does out you, you just have to hold your head up high and deal with it the best you can. It's college so people aren't as bad as high school and you don't see people as often. On the good side, this whole thing is done with and that fucking rat doesn't get what he wanted. Everyone will see him for what he is. Karma will come back to bite him one day.