Blowing my Bi Best Friend, but I want more?

[badmediakarma18]

So this is a follow up to an old thread, Hopelessly In Love with my Bi Best Friend: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/451104-Hopelessly-In-Love-with-my-Bi-Best-Friend ….. to recap, he's my best friend out here of about a year and we do everything together. Make music together, stay up all night, confide all our secrets and sexual fantasies. He's also been very flirtatious towards me since we 'came out' to each other (myself as gay, him as 'mostly straight, heteroflexible'). He seems much more into women than he is into men, but he flirts with me aggressively and relentlessly, comments on my appearance and 'cuteness' almost daily. I already had a crush on him before all this, so this has only further confused my feelings… he's had a girlfriend for much of this year and she's suspicious of our friendship. I tried to be respectful of their relationship but it was starting to look like a joke of one - constantly off and on, their ambivalence towards one another at different points. So I said fuck it and I told him how I feel (mainly because he already expressed he wants to fuck me several times).

I haven't had sex with anyone since we've gotten close and I expressed that to him and why - because I want him. I told him it's become a problem and we should just rip the bandaid off. This was when he was still with his girlfriend ("KIND OF" - I don't get it either) last month so he said it would be a one-time thing; I agreed. I brought up kissing and he said offhand it would be "weird" if we kissed because that's more intimate (which I guess is more like cheating?). So I sucked him off and he came in my mouth and it was hot and we laughed about it and cuddled until we fell asleep.

The weeks after that were not so weird…we were pretty normal but he liked to talk about what we did. A lot. He told me it was the best blow job he's ever had (better than his GF or any girl) and the flirting continued, but I didn't think it would happen again. Then the girlfriend properly clarified with him she doesn't want to be in a relationship but just FWB and so all bets were off. I blew him again, made him cum three times in between cuddling and talking. It's dirty but also sweet and playful…but it's left me feeling empty. Because for all his talk of how 'cute' and 'pretty' I am and how perfect my nose and lips are, he won't kiss me. I don't know if he'd be against it if *I* kissed him, but I couldn't bear a rejected kiss. I just feel like if he wanted to be more intimate, he would show it or initiate it. I fuck all initiated everything else…. not to mention, the girlfriend rejecting him has only made him like her even more and there's a shift in his attention I feel. Some days, I can tell he's really into me and basically eyefucking me and other days we're together and I feel like he'd rather be with her.

(He also still makes those comments about me being a woman, what a beautiful girl I would make, have I ever thought maybe I was trans, etc… which I don't think I am. Is my gender what keeps him from seeing me romantically?)

So I guess my question is, how do I figure out if I'm anything more to him than a buddy who blows him sometimes (which, yeah I know, I probably am) and, if it's doomed, how do I save our friendship without starting to hate/resent him? :/

 

[Seasoned]

You are hoping for more but are willing to keep going as things are because of your strong feelings towards him. How healthy is this for you? How's your self-esteem? How do you feel about yourself before and after you blow him? Do you feel like equals? In my opinion what you do sexually is less important than how you think and feel about it. It seems as though he's put up an emotional barrier. It also seems that you'd feel better about blowing him if he kissed you. He can only take advantage of you if you allow it.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I haven't had sex with anyone since we've gotten close...

...How healthy is this for you? How's your self-esteem?...

^QFT

We have a lot of threads in the forum spanning over a decade now with this same theme: "I'm gay, he's not. I give, he takes."

There's a difference between FWB (where both parties are getting each other off and it's a relationship of convenience for both) and being used (where one person is servicing the other with no reciprocation). Being used is not good for your self-esteem. Being a passive partner in a one-sided situation does nothing to help you develop a healthy relationship with a partner who can love you back.

While you've spent a year on this guy that will never be yours, there's probably some guy out there who is gay and who wants to be in a co-equal relationship with you.

 

[badmediakarma18]

You are hoping for more but are willing to keep going as things are because of your strong feelings towards him. How healthy is this for you? How's your self-esteem? How do you feel about yourself before and after you blow him? Do you feel like equals? In my opinion what you do sexually is less important than how you think and feel about it. It seems as though he's put up an emotional barrier. It also seems that you'd feel better about blowing him if he kissed you. He can only take advantage of you if you allow it.

I definitely don't feel like equals… but in a sense, I feel he's tried to be open to me about his hesitance to do the same to me because he's attracted to me but not so into male genitalia. Though that wouldn't keep him from kissing me. I don't know. You're probably right. It's imbalanced and definitely not healthy. Thank you for your words, I think I needed to hear this from someone else

 

[badmediakarma18]

^QFT

We have a lot of threads in the forum spanning over a decade now with this same theme: "I'm gay, he's not. I give, he takes."

There's a difference between FWB (where both parties are getting each other off and it's a relationship of convenience for both) and being used (where one person is servicing the other with no reciprocation). Being used is not good for your self-esteem. Being a passive partner in a one-sided situation does nothing to help you develop a healthy relationship with a partner who can love you back.

While you've spent a year on this guy that will never be yours, there's probably some guy out there who is gay and who wants to be in a co-equal relationship with you.

But what if he does like me/love me as a person and we have an incredibly intimate connection that goes beyond FWB….he just can't physically go there with me? He's tried to express it before. He's afraid of exploring anal or oral sex with a man, he doesn't know what he's doing and if he'd like it at all, etc. He wishes I were a bloody woman…he wouldn't express those things if I was just another open mouth would he?

 

[KaraBulut]

But what if he does like me/love me as a person and we have an incredibly intimate connection that goes beyond FWB….he just can't physically go there with me? He's tried to express it before. He's afraid of exploring anal or oral sex with a man, he doesn't know what he's doing and if he'd like it at all, etc. He wishes I were a bloody woman…he wouldn't express those things if I was just another open mouth would he?

Friendships between guys have a lot of complexity of emotions.

You can either accept it for what it is or you can try to make it into something else. The risk you take is losing it all. Your choice.

 

[badmediakarma18]

Friendships between guys have a lot of complexity of emotions.

You can either accept it for what it is or you can try to make it into something else. The risk you take is losing it all. Your choice.

Very wise words. Thank you for that. It's really nice to have someone listen and give me the honest truth back, I really appreciate it. I think you're right