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BlueLantern - Archived Blog Posts

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BlueLantern

BlueLantern

Hope?
Joined
Apr 24, 2004
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In the Central Battery
Eu não consigo criar uma amizade, ou o minimo antes disso, eu não consigo nem ser um "conhecido" ou "colega", eu sou como marcas nas areia de uma praia deserta. vou ser apagado, e nenhuma prova de que eu existe vai permanecer.

Vazio. Frio. Agonia. Silêncio. Escuridão. Dor. Necessidade. Solidão. Frio. Vazio.
 
Eu sou taum carente que qd tento fazer amizades eu acabo tento quase uma "paixão" pela pessoa, pelo menos nas dores, nas preocupações, no medo.
Mas a pessoa naum se apaixona por mim
ou se interessa por mim.
Eu sou pouco para a pessoa
ou sou nada
Imagine ser considerado nada por um amigo.
doi?
sim
Imagine ser considerado nada pela sua paixão.
....

É assim... q eu me sinto... perto das pessoas...
...mas ficar longe naum muda.
talvez eu devesse "esquecer" das pessoas.
e "esquecer" de mim.
talvez eu devesse por um fim, nas lembranças de mim.
Um dia naum conhecerei mais ninguem mesmo.
Eu acho q esse dia naum tah longe.
Mesmo q eu ainda naum esqueça de mim desse dia.
 
I am so lonely that when I meet someone to be a friends, its like fall in love, at least in the pain. I am nothing to the person, or little, and I always will care more about her that he (or anyone) you ever care about me.
Imagine the pay off a friend dont remember you
Imagine that for a lover.

Pain.

Void.

Cold.

Love.

But NO love.

me
 
I CREATE A ILLUSION OF FRIENDSHIP.

NO ONE CAREERS

NO ONE THINKS OF ME

NO ONE WILL BE THERE BY MY SIDE

I ALWAYS WILL BE ALONE IN MY ROOM AT AND OF THE NIGHT, CRYING FOR A DAY WHERE THIS LIVE WILL END
 
many times I said that I only had 2 friends, but also many times I can't stop think that "I Love it because there inst anything else to like". I am so loneny that I grab any little ray of hope and kindness that I see, in despair of a few warm moments of joy.
 
Eu sou um fraco? Será que eu sou um fracasso tão grande que não se admite a vitoria da felicidade? Eu estava feliz hoje, muito feliz hoje, e de uma hora para outra consegui ficar, ficar triste, solitário. frio.
 
Tears in my face,
clear and crystal.
But they come from a saphire dark heart.
a heart that beats, but is brooked.
Brooked or never completed.
There was never light inside him.
No sun ever shined.
and no love never warmed it.
only eternal darkness
and a rain of crystal tears.
 
people from my class is organizing a party to get some money, I took ten ticket.

my mother sold 2. It was going to be 7, but some people give up.

me... I din't sell anything, of course.

I just don't have friends who would go to a party with me. More simple.
I don't have friends...

...anything can break my already bronken heart.

maybe I just don't deserve happiness.

And that is all because of 10 tickets.
 
Sometimes... I wish to lose to madness, go crazy somehow, blissfully ignorant of my own problems, locked inside myself in a shine world or broken will many personalities of "me".

My life has no meaning.
 
One of the things that people always tell to me is that I need to love myself first.

...

I just can't see any logic in that, why would I love me? Why?? There is no actual reason to do that. I fully understand anyone who don't.

There is nothing in me to love...

When, I was younger, I was mad at people who din't like me... now I see that I din't deserve half of attention they would give me...

I... not someone who can love... it is not they fault... so it can only be mine.

I am so tired of being... what I am, not only a part, but the whole of me... there is nothing usefull, there is nothing good.

I don't want to die, I don't want to exist, I don't want to be... I want nothing, please... i deserve it.
 
The Worst part of sadness is to think that you will always be sad.
The Worst part of sadness is to think that happyness is easy, but you just can't do it.
The Worst part of sadness is to think that is only your own fault that you are sad.
The Worst part of sadness is to think that is okay, and fully understandable that people just don't like you.
The Worst part of sadness is to think that you deserve to be sad. Why else would you be?
 
I am now a architect. I made my thesis and got... 8.5 out of 10

it is a good grade. good, but not great.... I feel ashamed... I wanted to be able to be pround, to tell with pride that I got a great grade... but I din't.

I feel stupid. Stupid for actually care for such a detail. And for not having anymore reasons to be pround of.

I am nothing. Nothing worth the trouble.

I am 8.5, but worting 0
 
This year, I was studying in a "pos-graduação" (I don't know the proper term) after finishing architeture, it was about engering.... well... I am giving up now, it is just so awfull bad.

I don't feel like I actually learned, maybe a little but not worth it, and also feel the same about future classes, I feel explored by the university that only wants a quick buck.

The last drop was saturday, a teach proposed a text that was impossible, I might had the mind to do it in another conditions but it was something to be 10 pages completed in 6 hours! I din't had the heart or motivation to do it...

...So I gave up.
 
Today me and a friend are supposed to see a movie. I was trying to reach him before go there, but he din't answered his phone. I went anyway and he din't showed up.

I was slight dissapoited but I already was seeing it happening. I always try to believe in the worst, or at least I never have hope.

I never have actually, I try to avoid if possible, even when the outcome looks like will logically go toward to a possitive result... I don't really expect that, I still think towards the negative one as the most likely. I try to be emotionally prepare to it, to the worse.

And when my friend showed up, I find out it does work. I din't felt worse or dissapointed, just a bit annoyed, but I felt just like I always feel.
 
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