Born straight, schizo, and ramblings

[Charmander]

Hear my story

I was weird growing up, not as in eccentric, but as in, developmentally different. Yes, I was good with math, puzzles, lots of brainy things at an early age, but I was terrible at sports, irony, sarcasm.

Call it autism, aspergers, schizophrenia, introvert, savant, whatever.

I was shy growing up. Partly because of my genes I guess and I'm also guessing because my mom worked all the time, and secluded me in the house a lot of the time.

My mom told me I was a weird baby. Most cry in their sleep, but she kept poking me in my sleep to make sure I wasn't dead

I'm told by my sister that my grandma thought I was retarded when I was young (probably still does, recent July 4th, she said out loud I was only good for books, after I bugged out after my Grandpa teased me about my lack of girlfriends).

Younger, my mom said something was wrong with me that I couldn't sip out of a straw when other kids could (I can now of course).

Not only was I scared of people, I also didn't really seek companionship early on.

At church, when I was five or something, my similar aged cousin and I were in the same class. I was REAL focused on drawing but the teacher asked my cousin why didn't I listen when she told everyone to move on to something else.

I remember on the PE field, 8 years old or something, everyone was playing hockey, but I was being scientist with the ant field. I had horrible hand-eye correlation. It was like I heard people but often ignored them. Everything kind of just passed by.

And yet, I knew what a pretty face was. I raved to my mom about elementary school crushes. Kindergarten, 1st day, never developed a crush on anyone, had insta-semi-crush on a girl. Of course, I didn't know about sex, but I had a different attachment to her. I had no dad or any kind of figure to lean me in the straight direction. I raved about hot teachers. Yet also, I could also discern a good looking boy's face from an ugly one's. It's not so taboo now to claim that Brad Pitt is hotter than Al Franken, but I thought I was different for realizing this.

And so.

Puberty

Fun times

Boobage, and pretty faces resulted in many a softies, crushes, and hardies. Men, nada.

I remember, I found a porno in my parents place.

Club International was the mag. Boobs, butt, body, faces, good stuff.

Pussy upfront, cool. Open pussy?



Scary stuff.

I remember of the many pages of Club, for some reason, there was an occasional dick there. I just kinda looked at them, less offended than the spread pussy. No attraction.


I remember, I'm an offbeat guy, some call sweet+weird, like a lovable dork or some sorts. People liked me, in a parental way. This girl, tall (I'm short), busty, I liked her, but she played me, because looking back, as the sweet weird kid, she never liked me, but led me on. I got depressed when I found she had a beau. Also during this time, I was buddies with an energetic/goofy kid. Buddies. Not my only one, but he was the closest.

Like I mentioned before, I had symtoms of schizophrenia/introvertism, but in my younger days, they were about pokemon, shapes, math, etc. I developed jungled thoughts about this girl's play on me. Somehow, I stopped developing the hots for boob, butt, hot faces.

Images of my buddy, muscles, dick, stirred my curiosity and guilt.

So the weird guy that people protected paternally turned back into a reserved kid, albeit, a jaded one now.

People have gaydar. Yet, I still had girls crushing on me, a fact I found surprising back then, but regret I didn't take advantage of now.

Psychiatrists tell me, "you're a guy, we're guys". I must be fooling people good. It's not necessarily an act I put out, I am slightly guarded, but for people's gaydar to be wrong, suggests to me, sexuality is fluid, there are others like me Of course, there's always going to be someone wondering if someone else is gay, but overall, I think I have them fooled.

I never proclaim I'm gay. I remember social setting, a girl licked my ear, pretty quick softied arrived. I'm open for pleasure, but right now, men arouse me more.
---
My thesis? Natural initial inclination towards females (possibly nurtured by VIctorias Secret ads lol), +sweet/weird kid crushing big on girl that played him, depressed him, schizoed him into turning him gay.

Just thought I'd share.

 

[Charmander]

***

I never proclaim I'm gay. I remember a recent social setting, a girl licked my ear, pretty quick softied arrived. I'm open for pleasure, but right now, men arouse me more.

As long as my mom nudges me to be a dad (I know she'll be disappointed but won't banish me if I'm firmly gay)...

So college, I randomly room with 4 guys. 1 of them, I buddy up with again. Besides boners in front of him, and once dreaming of him fucking me , I try to force myself to not be romantic with him. The relationship is assumed to be friendly, although he is a bit risque, walking around naked, rubbing on my thighs, etc, but I never return the favor . In our 2nd year of rooming though, he's treated me piss poor. His naked prescence used to immediately arouse me because my schizo fixation on dick... But now, my hate for him makes my dick wanna go nowhere. Porn, gay/straight (I watch both, mostly gay), doesn't arouse me as easily/much, orgasms aren't fufilling.

During my gay phase, talking to guys (as a social/professional) [I haven't seriously explored romance yet, not until my mind is G O O D] was a nervous ordeal. He's spooked me from the romantic possibilities.

Not totally, but a good bit, that I don't imagine sucking every guy's cock now.

I'm beginning to recognize the hotness of girls again.

It's not 100% either way right now.
Just thought I'd share this journey in fluidity

 

[Charmander]

I'm not saying it's right to be gay/wrong, I'm just demonstrating nurture/nature/fluidity.

It's the same concept that people develop fetishes

Thoughts?

 

[Blacksheep]

What exactly indicates that you are either schizophrenic or have a schizoid personality? The gaydar thing I think is the same for most straight acting gays. Attractive women (like women straight men would die for) find me attractive, the only gay guys who have hit on me have been much older. People are genuinely shocked when I tell them I'm gay, my mother who knows that I'm gay and is great about it even says that I don't look or act in any way that would be considered gay and that I look like a straight guy playing gay.
I'd just stress less, put less thought into it and go with the flow. I have aspergers and had similar issues with over thinking the whole topic. Now I've jumped in I regret all the time I wasted giving it thought.

 

[Charmander]

Straight acting... I've certainly found that there are sweet people that thing their niceness entitles them of goodness. I've lost that mentality, and it's made me feel less cautious of feeling outed, now that I'm a nice guy that isn't going to be nice for nice's sake

Well, I'd say constant thinking (I've learned to control it a bit to stop reaching emotional intensity, but I do recognize its used in helping me stay in shape cognitively)

social dysfunction (people always told me, you don't care what other people think. I did care, but I found fault at others for being mean, and only now am I starting to adjust my manners, my look, in a significant manner)

introvertism

extreme emotion at times (sometimes, often, supressed)

hallucinations (big time daydreamer when I was young, I wanted to go to China meet Charmander and watch it breathe fire, yet found other kids realized pokemon was fake ), hallucionations...

When I was young, I had good control... just take a lie down on my head on the desk, think of something, and I'd be traveling space, the sky, etc. It was real quick, and I really believed it. I could ly on my bed when I was 4, trip out, thinking I was in a pirate ship, and jump back scared into reality. Happens at night too with dreams, the jumpings.

I've become less of a visual hallucinator... and now I'm more of an auditorial realist (used to dream in pictures, now I'm constantly thinking).

To this topic's point, because my new buddy has made me hate him and males (jk, not really, jk, not really) so much, when I watch movies like Scorpion king, I no longer obsess over abbs and can see the beauty/sexualization of the female

 

[stripes]

I wanted to go to China meet Charmander and watch it breathe fire

but charmanders are in japan.




haha your cute

 

[Blacksheep]

Schizophrenia generally kicks in in your late teens. You just sound to me like a normal kid that may have autistic tendencies and way over thinks shit. You really, really remind me of myself about 12 months ago, scarily so. Find a nice boy who will look after and care for you and take you away from yourself.

 

[Charmander]

Well pot doesn't help. I have a natural tendency towards thinking. The fact that my second rooming with the guy, I knew I was wary of him already... Then we toke up everyday. Pot leaves me to be energyless, dazed out, people ask what's up with me, sometimes he says I'm different, sometimes he says it's a nightmare to live with me in front of others.

I've been off the pot, less constant negative thinking. Back then, it was crushing thoughts, now I think a lot, but it is based on reality, not on dwellings.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I would say, see a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis, if there in fact is one and you're not just sort of normal-mixed up. There could be medication that will help you. Don't know what NHS covers/doesn't cover (if you're in the UK), I believe they're more reluctant to pay for meds for strictly mental problems.