Boyfriend and I at a stalemate

[Rolyo85]

Well, then have this conversation with him. What you just said in the post above mine. 90% of the world's problems would disappear if people told the ones they have an issue with what they tell third parties instead

 

[bankside]

Even when I had every coin in my pocket planned out for 3 days until I got paid, I would never in a million years have argued with my boyfriend over 10 dollars. I would have thrown the ten dollars in the fireplace if anyone would have tried to argue about it with me. Life's just too damn short to care about ten dollars. And I wouldn't make a big deal of it myself unless he did. Which of course he is doing.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

We live about 40 minutes apart and he comes over every weekend, and once in a great while he'll come over twice in one week. He's very close to my roommates now too and they have no problem with him staying here a night or two.

40 minutes, if all freeway is an approx. 80 mile round trip. What does he drive that he can get 80 miles for $10. ????

I'd be pretty damn happy if I could drive 80 miles for $10. to see a BF, and I wouldn't complain about it one bit.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Oh, for fuck's sake! You're pissing and moaning over $10? I'll bet you 50 to 1 you'd be bitching up a fit here at JUB about not having a boyfriend and would be willing to give anything to have one again if you two broke up. If you can't see past the $10, I highly doubt you'll be able to work out big money issues, or LTR issues. I've spent $4,000 to be with my partner for just 24 hours after flying 23 1/2 hrs. one way recently. It was worth every penny! Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[backpacker]

I think the two of you have different perspectives on the issue. You know that you are contributing more financially than he is and he feels like he is putting in more effort than you are by doing all the driving. His request for gas money may be more about his effort in doing all the driving than about the actual $10.

Is there any reason why you can't drive to visit him occasionally during the week? Maybe go to a movie or hang out at his house. Surely he can have a friend over for once in a while without his dad suspecting anything. I bet he would really appreciate the effort. You could also suggest meeting half way during the week.

An added benefit of going to his house could be if his dad gets to know you, then coming out might be a little easier. By the way, where does his dad think he is when he's gone every weekend?

Is he paying for school himself? Maybe the added financial pressure is making him feel like he can't afford to come see you all the time, but his heart tells him to go anyway. He may feel like you don't appreciate his situation, while you feel like he handles his money poorly. He seems immature for his age. When I read your original post, I expected that he was 18 or 19. He works full-time and lives rent free, but still has money issues. That's a red flag unless he has been paying off debts from past mistakes or student loans. I also wonder if he realizes how expensive groceries are given that he doesn't buy them on a regular basis. I suggest taking him to the grocery store and only buying what the two of you are going to eat during a weekend. It might be an eye opener for him.

This is about more than $10 for gas. You each need to gain an understanding of how the other side is feeling. Open communications is the key. Ask him why he feels it would be fair for you to contribute to the cost of his gas. Ask him if he feels like he should contribute to the cost of groceries. Ask him if you should visit him more. Is there a mutual friend that can help mediate the discussion. Somehow I get the feeling that both of you are saying the outward most things, but not really getting to the inner most feelings around them. Good luck!

 

[BlackMamba47]

Hmmm, this is quite the situation. Hopefully I can be of some help.

First thing I'd like to touch on is the amount of money. I know times have been tough, and inflation is a royal bitch, but even still, for two working people, $10 isn't a lot of money. Believe me, I'm in no way a well-off guy, and there have been numerous times when an extra 10 bucks in my pocket would have been amazing, but if you think about the grand scheme of things, $10 every weekend isn't bad at all.

Point number 2, his smoking. Having grown up in a family of smokers (all of whom have either quit or passed away before the smoking killed them), I know it's an addiction which is tough to crack. However, he's spending far more money on his smoking than he is on gas which could be used to see you. I know you might think it's selfish, and ultimatums often times backfire, but perhaps you should light a fire under his feet. Politely refuse to help him out until he makes a concerted effort to kick the habit. I'm sure your added (good) pressure will help him along just that much more.

Point number three. I believe after a year, you both have moved out of that realm of "dating". This is a full blown relationship, and if it wasn't for factors outside of your control, probably cohabitating or at the very least seeing each other more often than you currently do. This means that certain changes tend to occur. Financial issues start to play a role, and the problems that come along with that are brought to bear. However, those are issue that can and will only be rectified by talking to him. We can give advice. We cannot solve the problem.

Point number four, as an addition to my initial point. Think about the significance (or lack thereof) of the $10 bucks. He's taking, round trip, over an hour to get to your place. You probably get paid around $10 an hour, if not more. Ask yourself this question. Would you be willing to work an extra hour to spend a weekend with your boyfriend of over a year? If the answer is yes, $10 is nothing. If no, there are far more serious issues than just the money.

If it was me, I'd gladly do an hour of overtime to see the man I'm with if the alternative means I wouldn't.

 

[KaraBulut]

Things in a relationship are seldom equal.

However, it's a problem when a couple starts keeping score and then argue over it.

So, what's the price of a relationship? $10? $5? $20?

Will $10 fix the problems in this relationship? Will his getting a self-supporting job and moving out from his parent's home fix things? Will his coming out fix it?

The $10 is symbolic of deeper problems. You can pay for his gas if that's what it takes to move on to another battle but don't get your hopes up that it's going to resolve things.

The problems here go much, much deeper.

 

[Seasoned]

It's interesting that si many here make this a who's right and who's wrong issue. I have a couple of things to say. Life is not black and white. Would you rather be right or be happy? Rigidity is the death knell of relationships. There is the stress if driving even if it's only 40 minutes and potential close calls.

It's a mistake to equate smoking with gas money. If you didn't want a smoker you shouldn't have begun the relationship. Smoking is an addiction which no amount of cajoling can change. He'll quit when he's ready. You don't need to make it easy for him by allowing smoking indoors, but to deny that it's a struggle to stop is naive at best.

Again, this is more about the $10. This is more about enabling. This is about a manifestation of the responsibility of maintaining the relationship. Please put the gas in his tank, and you can make that a double entendre if you wish. I'll say it again. Life is short.

 

[Nickyz]

Well, he as you money in order to get to your place? Are you sure that you guys are in love?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, as has been said ten bucks is not a huge deal. ESPECIALLY since you know what it's for. Don't tell him you're going to put gas in his tank for him, because that's just condescending and tells him you don't trust him.

A word about finances and guys. You aren't his daddy. Period. You can't take over his money management, you can't carp him into doing it "better," you can't make him be anything but the guy he is. You know him well enough to know what he's like. You can either live with it, or leave.

You're both really young and I guarantee you this 10 dollar penny ante shit is nothing to the arguments you can get into over who's paying what in a $5000.00 monthly expense outlay further on down the line. So think about what that might be like if you stay with him. Also think about how you're both young and pretty much broke and most people grow out of both conditions. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff unless he showed a clear pattern of living out of solely your pocket.

Couples fight about money all the time, but you have to pick your battles. If $10.00 annoys you that much, he's not your guy.

Oh and ignore everyone who thinks they know what's going on in his head. No one in here knows anything about him other than what you've told us. Frankly you haven't exactly told us you are unhappy with him or that you feel like he's using you for 10 dollars.

With any guy, you decide where you make your compromises and where the deal killers are. No one can decide that but you.

 

[maxpowr9]

If I was in your shoes, I would dump this guy. I won't even touch the closeted issue (another subject for another time). One of my mental checkpoints in dating is a guy who can financially support themselves. If a guy has no means to pay for basic living essentials (food, rent, etc.) I would not date them regardless of how amazing they looked, charming they were or mind-blowing the sex was. I am not an ATM machine. Repeat that in your head till it sticks. While it is fine if one partner makes more than the other which is often the case, if he is unwilling to consider gas money a sunk cost of being with you, it is time to move on. The money problems are only gonna get worse if the relationship blossoms any further. Hell, the reason I kept my car in the city so long (which not only includes the maintenance but paying for parking also) was for my ex-BF to travel to his place. With my current BF, I can just use my subway pass to go to his place and him vice versa.