Boyfriend can't "make love". HELP!

[TYRONEtheTREX]

I'm in a relationship of about 9 months. I'm very much in love, but me and my boyfriend have run into a problem, a pretty big problem. Our sex life is nothing to brag about, at all. It's becoming a very frustrating aspect of my relationship. He claims that he can't "make love", but he can fuck. He doesn't want to "fuck me" because it's demeaning me as a boyfriend, so we just don't have sex. Apparently he's had less than superb sex with past boyfriends, where things have gotten too violent or verbally abusive. So I understand where he's coming from. It's just difficult for both of us to be in a relationship where a large part of intimacy is missing. I'm beginning to get frustrated because things don't seem to be progressing.


Do you guys think there is a way that I can make him feel comfortable with making love with me, without getting frustrated if things don't necessarily go smoothly? I've been more than vocal about my frustrations and have presented the opportunity to have sex on many occasions. Nothing seems to be working.

 

[altlover85]

I'd probably move on if you two have talked about it and nothing has changed.

 

[maxpowr9]

I'd probably move on if you two have talked about it and nothing has changed.

I'm inclined to agree also. I feel there is a strong disconnect with what you define as "intimate". You can be intimate with someone without having sex. If no sex is a deal breaker than you should move on.
I have dated a guy in the past that was raped and it can psychologically screw someone up for a long period if not forever. I did my best try to console him and work through his problem but his roommate was acting like an overbearing parent afraid that anyone could hurt his best friend (which is far more demoralizing to him).

 

[TYRONEtheTREX]

I am still intimate with my boyfriend, emotionally but also physically too, so it's not a deal breaker by any means. I would just really love to share a higher level of intimacy with him. In regards to dating someone who was raped, etc. I'm very familiar with personal crises like that, very familiar. I'm actually seeing a counselor right now for it. So I know exactly what you mean. I have a decent understanding of why my boyfriend is emotionally disconnected from sex, but I'm wondering if there are any other ways I can encourage this higher level of intimacy without sounding like I am nagging or putting him down? It's a tough situation for me, but i'm still very much in love.

 

[altlover85]

I am still intimate with my boyfriend, emotionally but also physically too, so it's not a deal breaker by any means. I would just really love to share a higher level of intimacy with him. In regards to dating someone who was raped, etc. I'm very familiar with personal crises like that, very familiar. I'm actually seeing a counselor right now for it. So I know exactly what you mean. I have a decent understanding of why my boyfriend is emotionally disconnected from sex, but I'm wondering if there are any other ways I can encourage this higher level of intimacy without sounding like I am nagging or putting him down? It's a tough situation for me, but i'm still very much in love.

I'm assuming you've had talks with him. Have they fallen on deaf ears?

 

[Seasoned]

I have always been a fan of trying to make things work unless abuse is involved. In one month my parter and I will be together 28 years despite many problems and issues. You two need some couple and sex counseling. As long as you love each other I'd try that before breaking up.

 

[TYRONEtheTREX]

I've certainly had more than enough conversations about it, to the point where I think they're becoming agitating. Which is kind of why I came here. I'm certainly interested in going to couples counseling or sex counseling. Both me and my boyfriend have expressed interest in the subject, so maybe that's where I'll go next.

 

[bankside]

First of all his understanding of love and sex seems confused.

So, it may be that he is confused. Or he's telling a confusing story because of some other issue he doesn't want to address. I can't go overboard in my relationship and overanalyze that kind of issue, but I do need to keep it in the back of my mind in case that background option starts making more sense instead of what it appears to be.

Anyway, I think he is misunderstanding the relationship between love and lust. In my relationship they go together, even though they aren't the same thing. We can make love. But we can also fuck. And there is nothing shameful about feeding each other's lust and just enjoying it.

Though a lot of us are taught to think of that as shameful, which has to be overcome. The raw pleasure that comes from it is not to be denied. You can fuck and still love each other, and I think that once he lets himself truly let go and enjoy that, he will be in a position to learn the art of making love as well.

But sometimes two guys just have to bang each other, even when they deeply care for one another. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Telstra]

Can he get hard easily or get hard at all ?
same question to you.
If not that is the major problem.

 

[TYRONEtheTREX]

First of all his understanding of love and sex seems confused.

So, it may be that he is confused. Or he's telling a confusing story because of some other issue he doesn't want to address. I can't go overboard in my relationship and overanalyze that kind of issue, but I do need to keep it in the back of my mind in case that background option starts making more sense instead of what it appears to be.

Anyway, I think he is misunderstanding the relationship between love and lust. In my relationship they go together, even though they aren't the same thing. We can make love. But we can also fuck. And there is nothing shameful about feeding each other's lust and just enjoying it.

Though a lot of us are taught to think of that as shameful, which has to be overcome. The raw pleasure that comes from it is not to be denied. You can fuck and still love each other, and I think that once he lets himself truly let go and enjoy that, he will be in a position to learn the art of making love as well.

But sometimes two guys just have to bang each other, even when they deeply care for one another. Nothing wrong with that.

I never looked at it that way. I do think that he may think that love is automatically assigned to having sex with me, while "fucking" means complete lack of emotional connection, basically having sex with someone else. I do think that a this point, i'm ready for anything. My hope is that by just having lustful sex with him, that some sort of mental connection can also be achieved as well. Because we haven't had sex since January, so I don't know if he thinks we've really proven to each other that we're able to successfully have enjoyable sex.

 

[midnight81]

Madonna/Whore Complex

 

[altlover85]

I never looked at it that way. I do think that he may think that love is automatically assigned to having sex with me, while "fucking" means complete lack of emotional connection, basically having sex with someone else. I do think that a this point, i'm ready for anything. My hope is that by just having lustful sex with him, that some sort of mental connection can also be achieved as well. Because we haven't had sex since January, so I don't know if he thinks we've really proven to each other that we're able to successfully have enjoyable sex.

So you haven't been having sex for half if not more than half of the relationship? To me that's a red flag.

If you both feel like you want to go to counseling, I'd get there ASAP.

Personally I think if you're headed to couples counseling and it hasn't even been a year, that's not a good sign, but I recognize that I might be focusing on an arbitrary length of time and it does bode well that you both want to go to counseling.

 

[Quacktastic]

He claims that he can't "make love", but he can fuck. He doesn't want to "fuck me" because it's demeaning me as a boyfriend, so we just don't have sex. Apparently he's had less than superb sex with past boyfriends, where things have gotten too violent or verbally abusive.

I don't really understand what the distinction between "fucking" and "making love" is. It sounds like there are unresolved feelings on his end which are causing problems, but he's struggling to communicate them effectively.

Try counseling. You post reads like you are prepared to find a solution and make it work, so you & your boyfriend should pursue that. But you should consider your needs as well (it presumable make be sexually frustrating if you are sexually attracted to him, which I would hope you are).

I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck.