Boyfriend cheated. Confused

[Rolyo85]

He called you and admitted right away. Didn't even wait for you to get suspicious. You are both super young (no offense) and obviously inexperienced with alcohol.

My advice - forgive him and put it behind you. And I don't mean "say you forgive him, but from now on be suspicious", but a real forgive and forget. Nobody is perfect, and mistakes happen. It is not important that he slept with someone, it's important that he was not in his normal state of mind and when he realized what had happened, he felt bad and instantly confessed.

That said, my advice only applies for this one situation. Make it clear - not with an accusing, high horse, moral high ground attitude, but with understanding and forgiveness - that this needs to be a lesson for him to know his limits when it comes to drinking and putting himself in risky situations. Don't say it, but be prepared to end this, should he cheat again. One time means nothing if the circumstances are as innocent and the guy is inexperienced with them. Second time means everything.

 

[Rolyo85]

Oh, and make sure he was safe. If he wasn't, demand that he gets tested.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us. I know exactly how you feel. I want you to know there is no right or wrong with what you do next except you're not allowed to inflict injury. What can make matters worse is if you had been in a similar situation and backed away from it. Be prepared to have your hurt and sadness turn to anger. It can get pretty vicious down the road. Your curiosity is also going to kick in and the whole thing can be pretty ugly for a long while.

Now that he's blamed alcohol, what's he going to do about it? If nothing, look out. Alcohol lowers inhibitions but whatever one does with it one is capable of doing without it and it can continue to be the flimsiest of excuses. If he blames alcohol and doesn't nothing about it expect repeats and a slide into co-dependency.

A word about forgiveness, in truth it's about you not him. Real forgiveness doesn't erase the event; it heals your internal emotional turmoil. Most of us think we've forgiven but in reality all we've done is put it on the back burner.

It is possible to move on from this and I know that from experience. I also know from experience that it can get much worse before it gets better. After 29 years I think my husband and I have the best relationship, but the path getting there was broken rock interspersed with grassy lanes. I've learned that life isn't so much about what happens to me as much as it's about what I do with what happens.

If you'd like to pm me please do. I won't be very active for the next three weeks, but I'll check in as I am able.

 

[looseliam]

He called straight away to assuage his guilt - to make himself feel better. There's nothing admirable about that.

You need to take as much time as you need to think about what this means for YOU. Will you be able to be intimate with him and not thing about him shagging some drunk guy from a bar? Will you be able to go home for the holidays and not wonder what or whom he's doing?

My own tuppence is to break now and find someone whom you can trust. For without trust, there's nothing.

 

[anchihiro]

I doubt either of you has had much experience both alcohol and different sexual partners. Maybe he needed to get that out of his system, and maybe he'll continue. 21 sounds abit young to be truly settling down and whilst you've been emotionally hurt perhaps the best thing to suggest is you two take a break from each other.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am never on the side of the cheater, but I always try to put myself in his place. Anyone who thinks they are immune from cheating on somebody is lying to himself. We are all weak when it comes to the right combination of factors, which is why I'd try to mend this rather than be judgmental and "I can't trust you anymore"ish.

 

[Rolyo85]

Just one last thing - if you had a good thing before this incident, and for more than a few months (as is your case), then you have a good thing. As Seasoned said, a relationship is a bumpy ride and things happen. But don't discard everything simply because of one mistake. Especially if you see that he wants to fix it.

And also, my personal belief is that time apart only weakens a relationship. Sure, take a few days if you need time to cool down, but don't protract it, don't put off making a decision, because it will get neither easier, nor better with time.

 

[sixthson]

I noticed that you referred to your 3 year relationship with him as "steady". Then you went on to describe his good characteristics like he's a boy scout or a puppy. Unless I missed it, you never used the word "love". That seems odd to me.

Did you love him before this? If so, did the cheating kill that? To my way of thinking, the only way you should not be able to forgive him is if you don't love him or if his cheating is a pattern. That is not to say forgiveness is painless.

I agree with Rolyo that dealing with this sooner rather than later is the way to go. Wait too long and resentment will set in. Please don't use the time apart as a way of punishing him either.

I like to believe forgiveness is possible, especially when love is involved.

Good luck.