Boyfriend 'cheated' on me online

[thisbetheverse]

So this all started a couple of months ago when I found a few pictures of guys on my boyfriend's computer, completely amateur, not porn. He promised me that he didn't know how they'd got there, but that they were from the past before we even met, and that he didn't do that kind of stuff anymore. I somehow managed to believe this, even though the timestamps on these pictures were very recent.
Tried to move on, was still paranoid. He'd constantly log himself out of his account and made me my own special account so I couldn't get access to his. Skip to last night: arrive at his flat earlier than expected. He's on his way back, so it's a great opportunity to see what he might be hiding. Find a message on his Facebook account, a picture of a naked guy, saying something like 'sex pic?'. Boyfriend replied 'on Skype now'. Ended up finding a recording of him on Skype with this guy. That face will be ingrained in my mind forever.
Boyfriend came back and told me how mad about me he is, that this is a personal part of his life, that he let the lust of the internet get to him... He was very muddled and contradictory. It's not even been a day yet but I just don't know what to do. I want to forgive him, but it's the lying more than anything else, really, that's getting to me. He lied to my face, as I cried, and promised me that it was all in the past.

I wouldn't class this as a full blown affair, but it's still fucked up. Would appreciate any advice.

 

[KaraBulut]

Should you be concerned that your boyfriend has a little private time wanking with the boys over the internet? Probably not.

Should you be concerned that he's lying and not being honest about it? Perhaps.

Every couple has to decide where the line is on monogamy and how open/closed their relationship is. It's the lying that undermines things- it begins the process of "If he's lying about this, what else is he lying about?"... and it leads to situations like snooping in your partner's personal stuff that just makes it worse.

Maybe it's time for you two to start over and have an honest conversation about what you want your relationship to be and about what constitutes "cheating" in your relationship. But you also need to be prepared for some level of compromise and some level of examining at your own feelings of insecurity.

 

[zanadu]

This makes the most sense .. speak openly and honestly about boundary lines, what is acceptable and what is not and then both of you will know where each other stands! If like me you are monogomous then clearly this guy is not suitable for you as TRUST AND LOYALTY will be important to you and he will need to appreciate and understand this to make any relationship with him a workable union!

Zanadu

 

[thisbetheverse]

Thanks for the replies.

Neither of us have been in a relationship before. Still, I'd expect it to be kind of obvious that engaging in cybersex is out of the question. It's not like porn, there is some kind of warped relationship involved. At the moment, of course, he's telling me how much I mean to him. It seems like I've been sharing him with guys online for most of our relationship, so I can't really mean all that much.

I want to give him a second chance, I just don't know if I can trust him.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thanks for the replies.

Neither of us have been in a relationship before. Still, I'd expect it to be kind of obvious that engaging in cybersex is out of the question. It's not like porn, there is some kind of warped relationship involved. At the moment, of course, he's telling me how much I mean to him. It seems like I've been sharing him with guys online for most of our relationship, so I can't really mean all that much.

I want to give him a second chance, I just don't know if I can trust him.

One of the big challenges for gay couple is that there isn't a set of "rules" or norms to follow. Gay couples have had to make their own rules or follow the example of heterosexual couples. Keep in mind the heterosexual couples have a divorce rate approaching 50%- and maybe they aren't the best role models for successful relationships.

With same-sex couples, fidelity and monogamy has to be discussed. Don't assume that your relationship is closed unless you've both decided that it is. Even within the terms "closed" and "open", there's still a lot of latitude- for example, maybe it's okay to jack off to porn or maybe it's okay to webcam or maybe it's okay to have one night stands?

You're better off talking about what you both want and coming to a middle ground that you both can live with and that allows you both to have some independence in your sex lives without having to cope with jealousy and the issue of feeling guilt over "cheating".

 

[mbamike]

You sound suffocating to me. Back off and give the BF some breathing room. He is just jacking off to guys on the Internet. To me, that is not cheating. It does reveal that you have trust issues though.

The two of you need to talk. Why does he need to jack off to guys on the internet when he can hop into bed with you? Why don't you trust him and allow him to have some privacy?

 

[thisbetheverse]

You sound suffocating to me. Back off and give the BF some breathing room. He is just jacking off to guys on the Internet. To me, that is not cheating. It does reveal that you have trust issues though.

The two of you need to talk. Why does he need to jack off to guys on the internet when he can hop into bed with you? Why don't you trust him and allow him to have some privacy?

Unsure if you're misunderstanding me, or if you actually think it's excusable. I don't mean he's looking at porn, I mean he's talking to guys and camming with them.

 

[palbert]

Therapy would assist you to mature. Get over it or move on.

 

[Dashriprock3172]

This is emotional cheating. If he hasn't met anyone yet he probably will soon. I have been down this path before. I would move on and save a lot of hurt later on. If you can't trust your partner, that is a big red flag. He should not ever have to lock his computer. He is he locking it, then he is up to something no good

 

[eastofeden]

Bottom line for me...the lying would be the dealbreaker....

I am not sure how I would approach anything else because the lying is unacceptable.

...and I don't know if this is the case or not but at first glance it sounds like he is shopping around for your replacement....

 

[wilecoyote]

One of the big challenges for gay couple is that there isn't a set of "rules" or norms to follow. Gay couples have had to make their own rules or follow the example of heterosexual couples. Keep in mind the heterosexual couples have a divorce rate approaching 50%- and maybe they aren't the best role models for successful relationships.
With same-sex couples, fidelity and monogamy has to be discussed. Don't assume that your relationship is closed unless you've both decided that it is. Even within the terms "closed" and "open", there's still a lot of latitude- for example, maybe it's okay to jack off to porn or maybe it's okay to webcam or maybe it's okay to have one night stands?

I totally agree.
I've asked numerous couples about their own relationship, what they consider cheating, monogamy, "closed", etc. and it's surprising how the answer is couples have all different answers! Wanking to internet porn may be unacceptable to one couple, while wanking off an acquaintance isn't considered cheating. Whatever works for the couple. Talk about it. Get on the same page. If him skyping sex with another guy is wrong to you, then it's wrong, unless you come to change your mind about it. He needs to accept how you feel. If he and you discuss it, he can either agree to refrain or problems will arise. For example, say he's a guy who gets a kick out of wanking off skyping with some anonymous man, and you agree he can do it say once every few months, then that's your arrangement. If he breaks that agreement, there goes the trust. If on the other hand, you find in completely unacceptable, he will have to accept that and you go from there. It's best to come to an agreement, accept each other as you are, and live with trust.

 

[Seasoned]

Make no assumptions when in a relationship. Everything needs disscussion and never expect someone to admit to anything when they know the reaction will be fireworks. Don't ask him to admit something you know. Tell him you know and proceed from there.

He's unlikely to give this up. Rather than guilt trip him and push him further into deceit, you'll have to decide if it's something you can live with. He sneakily jerks off on Skype; you sneakily spy and snoop. This isn't healthy.

 

[TheLyingGame]

You sound suffocating to me. Back off and give the BF some breathing room. He is just jacking off to guys on the Internet. To me, that is not cheating. It does reveal that you have trust issues though.

The two of you need to talk. Why does he need to jack off to guys on the internet when he can hop into bed with you? Why don't you trust him and allow him to have some privacy?

Not really.

To you that might not be cheating but to most it is. And i'm not really sure how he sounds "suffocating". His boyfriend is getting off with other guys? He has every right to be pissed. Damn right he now has trust issues.

 

[Craiger]

Ah, but I see the trust issue as a two sided sword. The b/f may not be open about his Internet trysts and the trust is not there for the OP, however, the b/f may feel the trust is not there due to the OP's blatant snooping. Clearly both need a long and deep conversation for an understanding of what is allowed and what is not.

Craiger

 

[thisbetheverse]

I've been going through a whirlwind of emotions over the past few days. One minute I think that maybe things can work, then I worry that I'll never be able to forgive him. He really doesn't want to talk about the guy that it happened with, he's deleted everything to show it's in the past and he wants to move on, but is that a good thing? I feel like he's just deleting everything and avoiding the conversation. He says that the guy never saw his dick, that he was only looking at porn and then decided to go on cam. The recording is about a minute long or something, and shortly after the other guy is connected and has his dick out the recording stops. It could work either way: he might have stopped the recording and continued the cam session, or really freaked out and stopped. I just don't know what to believe.

Our relationship has never been really open, that has been a problem. He said that he loves me but he found it hard to say because I didn't really tell him how I felt, and he didn't want to be rejected. Then he shifted to saying something like 'it's hard to make a rational decision when someone is filling your ego': so, basically, someone else told him what he wanted to hear?

I'm going crazy thinking about all the little things. I don't know if that's productive or not? I want him to restore as many files as he can so I can see what he has deleted. Do you think this is asking for too much? Should we just try to move on and stop talking about the little things?

 

[KaraBulut]

...I'm going crazy thinking about all the little things. I don't know if that's productive or not? I want him to restore as many files as he can so I can see what he has deleted. Do you think this is asking for too much? Should we just try to move on and stop talking about the little things?

This can go one of two ways:

1. If you want to dwell on the past, then continue in this direction and it will eat away at you and eat away at your relationship. That doesn't bode well for the long-term survival of the relationship.
2. You can forgive the past and figure out what you can change in the future so that history doesn't repeat itself. If you want to go in this direction, reread the advice you've been offered in this thread and work on improving the communication between the two of you.

 

[thisbetheverse]

That seems to be his thinking: that we shouldn't dwell on what has happened. I agree and understand, but I don't know if he's telling me everything. It seems too convenient that the only hard evidence I have of his activities is the only time it has happened. Also, with the facebook thing, he didn't seem shocked at all when the guy sent him a picture and replied 'BACK on skype', as if they would do something. Of course he says they didn't, and can't remember the conversation. My trust in him has just been ruined.

 

[KaraBulut]

That seems to be his thinking: that we shouldn't dwell on what has happened. I agree and understand, but I don't know if he's telling me everything. It seems too convenient that the only hard evidence I have of his activities is the only time it has happened. Also, with the facebook thing, he didn't seem shocked at all when the guy sent him a picture and replied 'BACK on skype', as if they would do something. Of course he says they didn't, and can't remember the conversation. My trust in him has just been ruined.

So, #1 then?

If you can't let it go, then you should begin thinking about your future as a single man.

 

[thisbetheverse]

I want to let go, but I don't know what I'm letting go of if he isn't telling me the full extent of it. Do you think it's irrelevant?

 

[KaraBulut]

I want to let go, but I don't know what I'm letting go of if he isn't telling me the full extent of it. Do you think it's irrelevant?

It's not a question about relevance. It's that you can't change the past, only the future.

You're determined to "get the truth" but it's no longer about getting to the truth. The place you are in is about your inability to move on. Your own insecurity is going to be your enemy here. Once you get "the truth"- whatever that may be- it's just going to make the situation worse. Whether you're checking his phone, reading his emails, snooping on his private time or settings traps to catch him in the act- ultimately, this obsession and your own insecurities are going to be the nail that you drive into your own coffin.

Loving someone doesn't mean that they aren't entitled to a certain about of private life. If you can't discuss that, have an adult conversation where you figure out where "the line" will be for the two of you in the future, then there will be no future.