Boyfriend cheated on me, should I stay or go?

[eastofeden]

It may be a generational thing. Today, the idea of open, long term relationships (and even marriage) between two men (or two women) is an option. But it hasn't always been that way.

Back in the 1960s and 1970s, there was a discussion about whether gay relationships should emulate straight relationships (the term was "heteronormative"). Part of that discussion was whether monogamy should be part of gay relationships. There was a lot of gay men who grew up with parents who were unhappy and with fathers that cheated on their wives. The thought that the failures of straight relationships were the inherent inequality between men and women and the fact that couples cheated and lied about it.

Monogamy isn't a norm. And too often when it's assumed, people fall short of those assumptions. There's a wide variety of "norms" in gay relationships- all the way from completely monogamous to completely open. And there's all sorts of agreements that vary from "don't ask, don't tell" to complete honesty.

From my experience seeing a lot of relationships over the years, the most common thing that ends relationships between men is cheating and getting caught cheating. It's seldom about the sex and more about assumed monogamy and the hurt feelings that come with betrayal.

My parents and neighbors growing up were good examples of people who cheated and lied to themselves and each other...I pitied them for it. I also hated them for it...and sometimes it made me feel sad...and determined NOT to walk in their footsteps...

I think that might be part of why coming out as gay was a complete non issue for me. I relished the idea of not having to be the next generation of that hell on earth...

 

[eastofeden]

I just read this from a guy I have followed for many years....and even though it is about meditation (or is it? )...it kinda relates to the above in terms of relationships...and how many ways there are to approach them...

Christopher Bamford says: "As a free deed, meditation is naturally individual, uniquely our own. It is where we most fully become ourselves. Its practice is also always individual. There are no rules.

"Just as every potter will elaborate his or her own way of making pots, so every person who meditates will shape his or her own meditation. No two people will do a given meditation in exactly the same way. The same meditation practiced daily will be different every time.

"Every meditation is experimental. One never knows what is going to happen. Improvisation is essential . . . Meditation is something to play with . . . There is no 'wrong' way of doing the meditation, except not doing it!"

http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/leo.html

 

[dhchitown1984]

You're in a terrible spot, and I empathize with you.

In my last relationship, we were together for two and a half years. One year in, I found out he cheated. I walked in on it (literally, as they were fucking), and I will never forget how intensely I cried. "Baby, I never want to see you in so much pain ever again. I am so sorry." yadda yadda yadda... for the next year and a half of the relationship, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's no other way for me to describe the feeling that one day, some how, something "else" would happen.... not even sure what.

A year and a half after that, after so many "late night check-ins," after so many "I love yous" this happened:

It was a Saturday morning, in January. He had to go to work that day, and was going to be at work from 1pm-10pm, but he me up around 8:00 as he was getting dressed and said "Baby, I'm sorry, I gotta go, there's a problem at work and I have to head in there now." I was disappointed because we were going to grab brunch together with my friend for his birthday since he had to work that night and would miss a little dinner get together. The day goes on, and we after dinner we were heading out to a bar for a drink and I sent my boyfriend a text telling him we were heading out for a drink and to stop by after his long day at work. But, he never got my text. I ran into him at the bar, on the dance floor, making out with somebody else; a coworker he worked with, and I had met about a month prior.... they went out to dinner after they got out of work, at 6:00 that evening.

Being cheated on hurts not because of the actual act of cheating.... I consider it to be throwing down the wild card in a mental game.... it changes the rules and the expectations for the rest of the relationship.

You have to make the right decision for yourself, but the first question should be "Do I deserve to feel insecure, until I am able to feel secure again?" I wish I listened to my gut.

 

[Seasoned]

How many relationships would exist if an instance of cheating ended them? We are not saints. The real issue for the two of you seems to be couple's counseling. There are a few red flags. I'd guess this isn't the only time he cheated and it takes a certain amount of chutzpah to have sex just hours before you were to come home. Frankly, nothing pisses me off more than the, "it was just sex argument." I don't know how that's supposed to make anyone feel better. The "it was just sex guy" gets all the fun while you put up with personality quirks and bad habits bullshit?

Without couple's counseling you're headed for a roller coaster ride of suspicion, revenge and co-dependency. Whether your relationship is salvageable will depend on honesty, trust, coming clean, honesty about all resentments on both your parts, and commitment.

People fuck up a time or two. Some people aren't capable of giving what they promise. Others are sexually addicted. It's important to know what you're dealing with.

 

[TX-Beau]

Kara, I can honestly say I have never had that kind of discussion with my husband about us being monogamous. It never even entered my mind. Isn't it natural for two people in love to assume faithfulness is just a given?...

If you assume I'm monogamous before I've made that promise you'll be sorely disappointed. I don't think it's wise to just assume things about one's relationships. Better to have that discussion so everyone knows precisely where they stand. From the tenor of most of these threads in here, I suppose there must be more gay men into monogamy than I came across in real life, but still, plenty of people are very good at imagining what they want to see - and then getting bit on the ass through no one else's fault whatsoever.

If the guy promised to be monogamous and isn't that is a betrayal, if the guy wasn't monogamous in the first place and the OP neglected to clarify, that isn't on the guy.

- - - Updated - - -

Though one would think they'd have had that discussion before buying property together.

 

[TX-Beau]

Why would one buy property with a guy that quickly?

Was it cheaper than renting?

 

[Jrmc34]

Hi everyone. Thanks for advice, and my sincere empathy to those who have been in similar situations before.

Just to address the buying a house together part. I met this man a little over a year ago. I fell madly in love not too long after, and so he says did he. It was also a huge thing for me to enter an actual relationship with another man. I am in my mid 30s and never been in a relationship with a man, only women. I am bi and decided I would "have it easier" so to speak, to be with a woman than with a man. Buying the house was a symbol of our love as much as we thought it was a more viable option than renting.

As for the monogamy debate, I am with those who just assume it as default, not something to be discussed. I would just assume that if one wanted an open relationship, they would first discuss it with their partner. Then again, I am in my mid 30s and he is in his mid 20s so I guess it could be an age issue, but still who has open relationships as their default assumption??

The last week has been tough. We're still living together but things have been quite awkward to say the least. He has been sleeping in another bedroom as well. We have spoken but not at great length. It is like two moderately close roommates who are living together out of convenience. It feels awful. I still love him a lot, and he keep trying to tell me he loves me. We have only had sex once all week. He came into me three days ago and told me how much he loves me and he wants us to get back to normal. The thing is though; when I was fucking him I kept thinking of that other man's dick in his arse, and when I kissed him his lips touching those of another man. The sex felt good, but not amazing as it usually/almost always does when we do it.

I think there is something to salvage and I do feel that he still loves me. We're going to spend this weekend just to ourselves to try to resolve it. If nothing works I think maybe counselling, but does anyone here have any experience wig counselling? Did it help at all?

 

[kallipolis]

We have only had sex once all week. He came into me three days ago and told me how much he loves me and he wants us to get back to normal. The thing is though; when I was fucking him I kept thinking of that other man's dick in his arse, and when I kissed him his lips touching those of another man. The sex felt good, but not amazing as it usually/almost always does when we do it.

Counselling will do no more than tell you that the solution to your current dilemma has to be one of forgiveness.

Should you be searching for the perfect partner, you may well die before finding him.

That you tell us that you feel your partner still loves you, it might well be constructive for you to get over your sense of betrayal, and to use your word "salvage" a loving relationship that can thrive when you wake up to the fact, that none is perfect....

 

[eastofeden]

Hi everyone. Thanks for advice, and my sincere empathy to those who have been in similar situations before.

Just to address the buying a house together part. I met this man a little over a year ago. I fell madly in love not too long after, and so he says did he. It was also a huge thing for me to enter an actual relationship with another man. I am in my mid 30s and never been in a relationship with a man, only women. I am bi and decided I would "have it easier" so to speak, to be with a woman than with a man. Buying the house was a symbol of our love as much as we thought it was a more viable option than renting.

As for the monogamy debate, I am with those who just assume it as default, not something to be discussed. I would just assume that if one wanted an open relationship, they would first discuss it with their partner. Then again, I am in my mid 30s and he is in his mid 20s so I guess it could be an age issue, but still who has open relationships as their default assumption??

The last week has been tough. We're still living together but things have been quite awkward to say the least. He has been sleeping in another bedroom as well. We have spoken but not at great length. It is like two moderately close roommates who are living together out of convenience. It feels awful. I still love him a lot, and he keep trying to tell me he loves me. We have only had sex once all week. He came into me three days ago and told me how much he loves me and he wants us to get back to normal. The thing is though; when I was fucking him I kept thinking of that other man's dick in his arse, and when I kissed him his lips touching those of another man. The sex felt good, but not amazing as it usually/almost always does when we do it.

I think there is something to salvage and I do feel that he still loves me. We're going to spend this weekend just to ourselves to try to resolve it. If nothing works I think maybe counselling, but does anyone here have any experience wig counselling? Did it help at all?

I have had counseling..but not about my relationships. I am good at giving that kind of counseling to myself. I think it does work for a lot of people though so please do go to counseling if you think it will help.

I did, however, come from a place where "cheating" was NOT OK....to a place where I freed myself from the chains of insecurity and wounded ego....and this place is a lot better....

The people who know me today....they don't even believe it when I tell the I crashed into a house when I was young..I walked into my house and there was a man in my living room...I asked him where my BF was and he told me he was in the bedroom with his friend...and he was. They were fucking. I gave them 5 minutes to get out. He told me he didn't have to go anywhere...I promised him he would be leaving real soon...so I loved it when they all came running out half dressed when I plowed through the wall...three times actually until I got stuck in the iron fence across the start and the cops who arrived chased me a couple blocks on foot...and then I kicked one of them in the balls when my handcuffs were too tight...YIKES...

It took me awhile to understand why I did that,...and I was surprised really because besides being drunk which was the real culprit....what motivated me to do it wasn't his fucking someone else..it was the lies he told me. When I began to focus on that..much easier to come to terms with it. I had told him when I met him that I never wanted a relationship because I don't like people lying to me...and that is what I observed in relationships. He insisted he didn't lie..I believed him. I gave up my great apartment to move in with the lying son of a bitch.

Same guy a few years later...the last day we were "together"...I walked into my job at the gay nightclub at 8 PM and there was a crowd of guys whooping it up. He was having sex with my arch enemy on the bar. I can't even describe what I felt (well..I can..but how much time do you have? )...but it only took me a couple days really to tell all of the well meaning people who decided to "support me" that I wanted no support because I wasn't a victim. The reason..I knew he was an asshole all along..and I let it slide. I rejected lots of "nice guys" to be with this colossal asshole. Besides..I can't stand people who insist on being a victim and never see their own role in it...and I didn't want to be one of them. I had "married" a combination of my mom and dad..not all that uncommon..in the best or worst situations...and that was all on me.

...and thanks to that man..I learned soooo much..and it propelled me into the future. EVERYTHING in life is a potential learning experience if you allow it to be.

It also gave me the experience and the eventual wisdom to think about what it was that I DID want....which is when I decided that my foundation in the future would be honesty..NOT fidelity. I added communication later..it fit with my foundation nicely. The traditional marriage vows promise it..and how many times does that promise get broken? The reason...people are gonna have sex with other people..married or single...been happening since the beginning of time..and will happen until the end....and it usually has nothing to do with the fact that they do or don't love you. Lust and love are often mutually exclusive....and we can't control what other people do...or who they will meet..or what kind of chemistry that will happen...and many times...the other person can't or shouldn't control it either....for as many reasons as there are...and through communication...you both can learn a lot..together and as individuals....

This is why I don't promise fidelity or let anyone else promise it to me. It is not a promise that should ever be made IMO. The reason..NO ONE knows what the future will hold..and often the loudest and most self proclaimed moral people among us just shout a little louder when they find themselves doing the same thing as the "heathens" around them. You don't want to become one of those. Just take a look at the long list of morally outraged family values people who gave fake faux outrage speeches about Bill Clinton at the time when it was later revealed how many of them were doing much worse things...bigger betrayals to their own wives...

So...if you go forward...communication is essential IMO...and so is establishing a foundation that works for both of you.

That is my advice to you....and sharing my experience is to let you know that I have been there...and that experience was part of the journey that led me to where I am today....

 

[KaraBulut]

...Then again, I am in my mid 30s and he is in his mid 20s so I guess it could be an age issue,

The studies actually show that younger gay people are more inclined pattern their relationships in a heteronormative pattern- dating, closed relationship, children, etc.

There was an article in Slate a couple of years ago and a related Gawker op-ed that laid out the issue of open relationships in same-sex couples. Studies from the 1980s (pre-AIDS) showed that over 80% of gay couples were having sex outside the relationship. The latest studies say a majority of gay couples aren't monogamous and often their partner is aware of their extra-marital dalliances.

but still who has open relationships as their default assumption??

No one. Which is why these things should be discussed. The issue is not whether relationships are monogamous or open by default. The issue is that it's an important issue that destroys relationships and with that knowledge, you should discuss the issue upfront.

Here's the thing... if you were to discuss the issue and the both of you decided to be monogamous, yet he were to cheat after agreeing not to cheat... then you're back to the same problem except this time, it's clearer that you're dealing with a liar and someone who can't be honest.

I think there is something to salvage and I do feel that he still loves me. We're going to spend this weekend just to ourselves to try to resolve it. If nothing works I think maybe counselling, but does anyone here have any experience wig counselling? Did it help at all?

Yes, it helps. If for no other reason than 'what is the alternative?'.

For years, we lived in the delusion that gay relationships are somehow different than straight relationships. Now that we're a few years into the coming-out and gay marriage phenomena, we're finding that relationships are pretty much all the same. The issues that make relationships a challenge- fidelity, money, violence, addiction, boredom and (the big one) communication about all of these issues- are the same whether you're gay or straight.

The first step for the two of you is to decide a) whether you both want to repair the relationship and b) what you're both willing to do to fix it. If you decide that couples therapy is what you're willing to do, then at least you've started down the path to hopefully getting this not to where they were before, but instead, getting things to a better place than they were before.

 

[kallipolis]

I did, however, come from a place where "cheating" was NOT OK....to a place where I freed myself from the chains of insecurity and wounded ego....and this place is a lot better....

Well noted, for burying onself in the past, is often self destructive, whereas forgiveness is life affirming.

 

[kallipolis]

The first step for the two of you is to decide a) whether you both want to repair the relationship and b) what you're both willing to do to fix it. If you decide that couples therapy is what you're willing to do, then at least you've started down the path to hopefully getting this not to where they were before, but instead, getting things to a better place than they were before.

The issues that make relationships a challenge- fidelity, money, violence, addiction, boredom and (the big one) communication about all of these issues- are the same whether you're gay or straight.

Well noted...when also understanding that recognising ones own flaws, contributes to better understanding the imperfect nature of ones partner, when he acts against his own best interest.

 

[TX-Beau]

...As for the monogamy debate, I am with those who just assume it as default, not something to be discussed. I would just assume that if one wanted an open relationship, they would first discuss it with their partner. Then again, I am in my mid 30s and he is in his mid 20s so I guess it could be an age issue, but still who has open relationships as their default assumption??...

...I think there is something to salvage and I do feel that he still loves me. We're going to spend this weekend just to ourselves to try to resolve it. If nothing works I think maybe counselling, but does anyone here have any experience wig counselling? Did it help at all?

I just want to reiterate a couple of things - because this is pretty important. You aren't everyone else, you can't make assumptions about how they are going to act, or know the assumptions they are making without talking about it, and you're just going to set yourself up for pain if you operate by assumption.

All relationships start open, it's called dating. We don't have any claims on the other guy until he gives us that right, and frankly I've rarely met people who just immediately "assume" monogamy. I can remember however the many times I've been in discussions about when to have "that" conversation, so I'm a little baffled at the two of you in here who seem to think that is not normal.

The other thing I've found essential, you have to set up the atmosphere for honesty in your life. Some things are deal killers for me, and I know what those are, so does he. Some things are annoyances, he usually knows what those are also, but I don't bitch at him about the small shit, because I want him to know that he can tell me the truth about things, without me being unreasonable about it.

How does that apply to you? If you are planning on continuing this, you are going to have to forgive him, and for that to work, you are going to have to let it go, and not use it as a lash over his head forevermore. One sure way to drive a guy away is becoming a jealous hausfrau.

Jealousy and insecurity will poison your life, and if this relationship is going to cause those things, best let it go.

I assume he owns half the house, so that's an entanglement you didn't need this soon.

 

[Rolyo85]

To clarify, when I talked about assuming monogamy unless otherwise discussed, I meant after the initial stages are done and this is now an "official" relationship.

 

[refujiunderground]

Sounds like you were rushing into something really serious which is not a good idea in itself with someone you didn't know too well. Think you got carried away to the point where you did something that was too extreme such as buying a house with someone you only been dating for a year. That's sort of crazy. Why rush? How well did you get to know this guy? I'm sure there were signs that he wasn't ready and etc. It's best to see who you're dealing with instead of rolling with your feelings.

I think the thing to do is to work things out because you actually got yourself in this mess. Hate to say it like that but if you love the guy, you would try to work things out instead of upping and leaving. You were serious about being with him right?

 

[offthewall14420]

Real estate can be a good investment. Maybe get him to sign over his share in order to win you back and then dump him? Just have a notary around.

FYI - Eviction may take a couple months so plan for that if he doesn't leave voluntarily.

 

[jbrown329]

In the end, that decision is yours' to make. You're the one that has to decide if you can trust him to not do it again.

 

[Alexander91]

I believe you two should have a serious talk, and ask him why did he did what he do and if it's good enough of an explanation to you, work it out as a couple. The decision of leaving/staying is totally up to you. Communication and honesty is key in any relationship. And if he cheats again, I'd personally would (figuratively speaking cut a bitch and leave his sorry arse.

 

[Seasoned]

It would be foolish to poo poo therapy or to think this is all about one-sided forgiveness. Commitment to therapy indicates that both people are interested in keeping the relationship, gives both people an opportunity to safely state grievances, resentments, problems, needs and wants. It will teach you how to fight fair and give you greater insight into compatibility and shared values. A little digging by a therapist can discover addiction issues and any residuals of having a dysfunctional family of origin.

 

[xyzguy]

Go. You deserve better.