Boyfriend doesn't allow me to make advances at him anymore

[borg69unimatrix]

Wow. Sounds like a GREAT conversation, and one that should have taken place long ago. Congrat's on you both for opening up, and for the depth of understanding you both gained!

 

[KaraBulut]

There's some interesting studies coming out about same-sex relationships. One of the surprising patterns that the studies reveal is that while gay men are slower to get into relationships, the commitments they make are more stable, they are more likely to stay in the relationship and they describe themselves as happy in their relationships.

But unlike their straight peers, gay men haven't been as likely to consider relationship or marital counseling. If your case, it is something that you need to consider.

Relationships are work. However, when they begin to feel like work, it is time to give some thought to why.

When you're in a long-term commitment with someone, you cannot separate yourself from the normal ups and downs in life and you cannot isolate your relationship from each other's personal trials. The important question is whether the person is working on dealing with their issues. It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with. The question is, "What is he doing to deal with them?".

While it's good that you're talking openly about these things, it sounds like he has some issues that he needs to deal with separately. The severity of these issues warrants working with a professional therapist. If he doesn't make the commitment to work on his issues, then it's not likely that the situation is going to improve any time soon.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I really do not understand why this is a complicated issue with your boyfriend. Intimacy should be a natural and normal behavior between gay men. This hangup your boyfriend has is exhausting and long-suffering. Sex is a need, and your relationship should have plenty of it.

Your partner can't expect you to live a life of near celibacy because he's hung up over sex. Either you want to have sex or you don't. If you don't, then there needs to be a clear answer, and not this dancing around of long discussions that make hardly any sense at all and last over several months. At that point, it just becomes a mind game, and it needs to stop.

I know you love him, but you can't spend the rest of your life doing this. Either he has to make a major life change over his sexuality, or you have to by walking out the door. You deserve a happy and sexually gratifying relationship with someone who can reciprocate your feelings of intimacy and love both emotionally and physically.

 

[Miller85]

@ borg69unimatrix: thanks for your encouraging words! Our conversation was deep and understanding indeed.

@ KaraBulut: thanks for your helpful suggestions. A few weeks back my boyfriend agreed he needed help from a therapist and set things in motion via a study counsellor, who gave him the contact information for two therapists. That week though he had his cathartic uplift, which pushed the thought of therapy to the back of his mind as he focused all of his energy to get back on track with his study program again. And to his defence, that was an amazing feat as he worked night and day to accomplish it. Nevertheless I told him I felt he had a responsibility towards us as a couple to not let the matter slide. He agreed.

However, after our last conversation two days ago, about which I reported above, I am not so sure anymore that him getting personal counselling will help us with our problem. Whatever personal issues may be resolved that way, our problem now looks to me like to have its roots not in his personal issues, but in our interplay, and thus more apt to be dealt with by couple’s counselling. In any case if what is causing his diminished sexual interest in me is indeed a loss of edge / an inflated sense of security, then that is something we both need to work on, and not something he needs to get therapy for all on his own. That seems quite unfair (and counterproductive) to me. We’ll be seeing each other either today or tomorrow and I intend to bring this up.