boyfriend got shitfaced drunk...okay to be angry?

[redips]

It doesn't happen very often, but my boyfriend likes to drink, and he can get really drunk. One day, he went out with his friend, got shitfaced drunk. Later, he told me he was so drunk that he didn't remember how he got home. I tried calling him, texting him, but he didn't really respond until he got home.

Sure, the idea of cheating crossed my mind. But I'm also worried if he'd be hurt, or beaten up, or get into an accident.

I don't want to be controlling or possessive, but am I right to be angry? I really don't know what to do...

He was apologetic the next day, but I could gather between the lines that he feels he tried his best to let me know where he was, and that he was drunk, so he couldn't help that he didn't get in touch with me.

He knows that I'm upset. Again, this doesn't happen often, but I don't want it to happen again. Am I being overly controlling or unreasonable? And if it does continue, would breaking up with him over this be overly dramatic?

 

[chatolandia]

how are you, and your bf?

curious

 

[redips]

how are you, and your bf?

curious

I'd say things are going well. We've been together for only a few months, so the relationship is not rock solid, and maybe that's why I'm a little insecure. But otherwise both of us can't really stand not seeing each other for more than 2 days a week. We spend most nights together.

 

[TX-Beau]

I think he probably meant how old are you and your BF.

OK, sure, you're entitled to your feelings. But it's also necessary to keep some perspective. if this happens infrequently, it's probably not that serious.

Don't try and control his behavior, you can't in any event, and if he starts feeling like you're the sour hausfrau waiting at home to disapprove of him, well, you see the problem with that.

I'm tempted to say your reaction sounds potentially controlling, but really, if you're not on his case, forbidding things, or passive aggressive about where he is and who he sees, getting mad that he got shit faced drunk doesn't really rise to that bar.

You can't stop this from happening again, only he can. So you have to give him incentive to do that, not threats and hysterics.

If you're worried that he's cheating this early on, that's a problem. Do you have any actual evidence of that?

I like to go out with my buddies and get drunk every now and then, it could be just that simple, and what are you really mad about? Would you have been as mad if he was drinking with his friends at home?

 

[redips]

If you're worried that he's cheating this early on, that's a problem. Do you have any actual evidence of that?

I like to go out with my buddies and get drunk every now and then, it could be just that simple, and what are you really mad about? Would you have been as mad if he was drinking with his friends at home?

Thanks, Beau,

No, I don't have any evidence of cheating, but I know alcohol can make people do silly things, and so if he was so shitfaced that he couldn't remember getting home, maybe he didn't even know he was being blown by a guy in the restroom. Who knows?

But again, that's not really my main worry. I think I'm just mad that he didn't care more to text or call me while out, so I know he's alright. Also, I don't mind him going drinking socially, but getting shitfaced drunk seems a bit extreme, to me at least. I know that for me, knowing that i have a boyfriend, I'd not let myself get to the point where i might get into a dangerous situation. But that's just me.

 

[Scottyboi]

why does he have to call you to let you know he's ok?

annoyed by him coming home shit faced drunk I can see (especially if he woke you up)

annoyed because he didn't call you while he was out with friends sounds clingy if you don't mind me being blunt. Especially since you just started dating.

 

[chatolandia]

I think that's the problem

people may like to get drunk on occasion, and hang out with friends.

I honestly don't see a reason to make a big deal out of it, if he doesn't do it constantly

Do you have the right to be annoyed?

certainly

is this a huge deal?

Probably not, depending if it becomes a common thing

 

[maxpowr9]

I really see no harm in the events that have transpired. You do sound a bit clingy. Every person in a relationship needs some freedom and if he wants to get shit faced drunk, let him as long as it doesn't turn into alcoholism. All you can do is tell him if he has any problems that he can call you if you are not with him. He apologized after the night which you should accept. You can talk with him that you don't like it when he gets really drunk but don't turn it into an ultimatum (a death sentence to any relationship). If you don't trust your BF now over him going out with friends sober or not, I since trouble ahead.

 

[redips]

why does he have to call you to let you know he's ok?

annoyed by him coming home shit faced drunk I can see (especially if he woke you up)

annoyed because he didn't call you while he was out with friends sounds clingy if you don't mind me being blunt. Especially since you just started dating.

Thanks, Scotty,

No, you can be blunt with me. I appreciate it, actually. That's kinda the point of my post, is to see what other people's experiences and expectations are. The thing is, this is what my ex and I would do. And it's also what I do for him now (texting him to let him know I'm ok), and he appreciates it, so I expect it in return. But, I also realize that my expectations may not be the norm. I think I was also a little upset because I took it as a sign that he didn't care enough to make sure I didn't have to stay up worrying if he was alright. But, if everyone else is indeed more casual about this stuff, then I wouldn't take it so personally.

So I guess my real question for everyone is, if you're in a relationship, are you really ok with your partner getting shitface drunk (not just drinking, but blacked out drunk) with friends when you're not around, and not texting/calling you until the next day? Would you feel very angry, slightly annoyed, or nothing at all?

 

[TX-Beau]

So I guess my real question for everyone is, if you're in a relationship, are you really ok with your partner getting shitface drunk (not just drinking, but blacked out drunk) with friends when you're not around, and not texting/calling you until the next day? Would you feel very angry, slightly annoyed, or nothing at all?

Well, there are levels to these things. What's appropriate for someone in a committed relationship going on 20 years is going to be way over the top for someone dating only a few months.

My partner does on occasion get stinking drunk, so do I. Now, we're both old enough to avoid the blackout kind of excess, but when I was younger...

It doesn't matter if you're around or not if the drinking is what's bothering you. But I'm guessing that what's eating at you is not the party boy thing, but the insecurity thing.

You can't monitor him every minute of the day, and if he went out with his friends and didn't get drunk, but all else remained the same, I suspect you'd still be pissed off.

I won't respond to, or send endless texts, nor will I give a running itinerary and lists of attendees. Expecting someone to live like that is controlling.

What I always do is let my partner know where I'm going, and generally who with, and generally when I'll get home - but we've been together for a lot longer than a few months, and it certainly wasn't that regimented in the beginning.

If there isn't a huge change in agenda - such as running off to Aruba for the weekend instead of beers at the bar, I'm not going to apprise him of anything, nor is he going to be sitting up stressing that I get home exactly to the minute when I said I would.

When we were at your stage, I'd tell him I was going out, and that's about it, and only if he inquired, because we weren't as serious and we weren't living together.

He's not my daddy, he's my partner, and he trusts me. Which I suspect is where you're having your problems.

If him getting drunk pissed you off, fine, if you're pissed off because you think he's drunk and then maybe cheating so he has to be stopped, that's kinda your problem not his - and maybe he's not the right guy for you.

 

[bankside]

shit-faced drunk is not an attractive quality. how much time does he spend doing attractive things?

 

[TX-Beau]

True, but there is a big difference between a 21 year old guy out with the boys and a seasoned alcoholic drinking at breakfast.

 

[racer2438]

This is how I see it, if it were my bf of 26+ yrs.

1. Out of respect We let each other know were we are and or going and about when we might be home.

2. If we each go out on own w/friends we still let each other know were we are

3. we trust each other to make smart choices about getting home and NOT driving.

4. we are secure enoungh in our ltr that we have NO need for insecurities.

5. but if something like this did happen we would be disappointed in the other for not following the grounds rules we set in our ltr

6. we would apologize to the other and leave it at that, converstion done and over, not need to keep throwing in face all the time.

7. that been part of our foundation that has kept us together this long.........works for us.

I can say even a little insecurity can lead to bigger issues and more insecurity....

 

[hackingnomberr]

Unless he cheated you shouldn't be mad.

 

[altlover85]

Does he normally check in with you?

When he gets drunk does he get drunk quickly or over the course of say 2-4 hours?

I generally don't buy that drinking makes us do things we would never do. I think many times we want to do those things, but our inhibitions prevent us from doing them.

My point is maybe part of him doesn't like checking in as much as you do.

One other things, it's only been a few months. I would try and relax a little bit more. I can understand that it can be difficult to do that when things are just beginning, but being controlling is not attractive.

 

[dhchitown1984]

I've got to agree with those that are saying you may come off as clingy.

Since this is something that, as you said, doesn't happen often, I'd let him have his alone time. Just as you hear straight couples having their "night with the girls" or "night with the guys," it sounds as though this is what he's doing, which I think can actually be healthy for a relationship.

Do you trust him to not do anything? Do you trust that he's telling you the truth when he says where he's going and with who?

In one of my past relationships, these nights apart happened regularly... neither one of us wanted to lose our relationships with our friends, so we always picked "non-date nights" so we oculd make plans with friends. We always ended up sharing with each other where we'd end up, and our friends always ended up meeting each other because we liked having those group outings, so we always knew who each other were with... all generally good people.

Part of a relationship is trust. It's important not to lose sight of that fact.

 

[Seasoned]

It sounds like alcoholism to me. Blackouts are one sign. I'm in a 28 year relationship with an alcoholic who's been in recovery for 26 years. PM if you'd like.

He may be a heavy or binge drinker rather than an alcoholic, but none of it is attractive and all of it is dangerous. No one needs to drink to the point of passing out or not knowing how they got home.