boyfriend is getting on manroulette :(

[alexm54444]

Hiiii guys. This is my first thread on JUB and i've been lurking for quite some time now, finally went ahead and registered because i'm having a problem and i need some advice from you all!

soo i've been dating this really great guy for 6 months now. We understand each other really well and have been there for each other in so many ways. We're both in our 20's and aren't entirely sure what we're doing with our lives right now, but we find comfort in each other and it's really fantastic. I love him and he loves me.

Yesterday I was logging into my email when I saw he was getting on cam4 and on manroulette. I know these aren't dating sites or hook up sites or anything like that, but it still kind of hurts my feelings. He's also been talking to his ex via text these past few days and when i told him that i was kind of hurt about that he said he was only talking to him because he misses him and because he gives him motivation and because a mutual friend of their's killed herself recently and he finds solace in his ex, but reassured me that he no longer has any romantic feelings for his ex and that he still loves me.

i guess all of this got me kind of down and out, and i brushed it off and tried to pretend like it didn't matter but when i was at work today it's all i could think about. and the fact of the matter is that i've been on manroulette a couple times since we started dating and i also downloaded grindr just because i was curious... so i mean i'm guilty of the exact same thing and it still really bothers me and makes me sad and i feel selfish.

i don't know where i'm going with this. i just feel kind of hopeless right now and i'm hoping somebody can tell me i'm not crazy for feeling this way. i love this boy and i trust him, and i would never cheat on him, but the combination of everything that's been happening makes me feel really really hopeless and makes me want to just end everything even though i don't even want to. i'm really sad.

i know this is my first post but any advice would be veryyyyyy appreciated.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. I've been where you are at and I want you to know that it can get better. It's going to take patience with yourself and a lot of talking and honesty with your boyfriend.

It's classic to want to end things when afraid the other person might leave. No one wants to be the left person, so sometimes we end it first. The threat of leaving also can be gamey because it creates a crisis and the back of our mind hope is that the other person will stop the behavior that has us upset.

I think it's also classic to be hurt or anxious over behavior on the part of our partner that we are doing ourselves. The thinking here is that we trust ourselves more than our partner.

I think it's best to get it all on the table and have an open, honest discussion. Every successful relationship has some type of ground rules. It would make sense to reassure each other and maybe even doing some of the online titillation together.

Once I knew and believed in my heart that I'm ok with or without my husband, our relationship got stronger because I acted as if I wanted the relationship rather than needing it. That has been one contributing factor towards our longevity. In July we'll be celebrating our 29th anniversary.

Don't expect a total mind shift overnight. Just continue working on letting go of fear. Good luck to you and congrats on six months!

 

[dkj32224]

I agree with everything Seasoned said. You definitely should communicate with your partner how your feeling and make sure you both are clear on the ground rules of your relationship.

 

[Darted]

I consider manroulette and that crap like porn, but talking to a ex...

 

[alexm54444]

dang that was soo wise, Seasoned. you put a lot into perspective for me. we ended up talking tonight about it and i think we're working through it. last night i got belligerently drunk and tried to break up with him but i couldn't do it. i don't think i want to end things with him but i'm not sure what my true feelings are at this point - as in, staying with him or not. it's all just really confusinggggg now.

 

[alexm54444]

I consider manroulette and that crap like porn, but talking to a ex...

yeah that's what i said but given the dramatic circumstances of everything that this boy i've been seeing's been going through in the past month, i understand why he would find solace in his ex boy. but yeah, i don't like it

 

[bananagoof]

Here's something to consider - stay close by your boyfriend. If he's feeling really stressed and upset (and who wouldn't be, after the death of a friend), he's going to need comfort. If you pull away and start doubting the entire thing, it could leave him more likely to reach out to his ex.

Just let him know that you are there for him, for real, and fingers crossed, he'll appreciate that. Keep talking and stay positive.

 

[Just_Believe18]

As further advice, I would be mindful of your own behavior and feelings towards your relationship with your boyfriend. A red flag jumped up for me when you said you "belligerently got drunk" with the intention to break up with him. Why? Especially, after you've been given some good advice to pursue here on this thread. I get the understanding that you may be dramatic and prone to impulsive behaviors. Reign that in. If you love your boyfriend, you will learn to communicate and trust in him more, and rely less on your emotions.

 

[alexm54444]

As further advice, I would be mindful of your own behavior and feelings towards your relationship with your boyfriend. A red flag jumped up for me when you said you "belligerently got drunk" with the intention to break up with him. Why? Especially, after you've been given some good advice to pursue here on this thread. I get the understanding that you may be dramatic and prone to impulsive behaviors. Reign that in. If you love your boyfriend, you will learn to communicate and trust in him more, and rely less on your emotions.

y'all gave some really good advice. it's been a couple weeks and i've been a lot more trusting with him. things have been good. he was still sending his ex messages on facebook but his ex never responded, so i guess that's over? it still weirds me out that he feels it necessary to keep good relations with that guy, but whatever i guess. does anybody else think that's weird?

 

[alexm54444]

maaaaan, so i looked through his phone yesterday and he went out to get food with this one guy that both of us were banging around last year. he says it was just to seek advice with the whole friend's suicide thing but this really irritates me. i feel like it's not even a big deal but it just angers me to think that he feels like he has to lie to me to protect me. advice?

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ What do you mean this guy that "both of you were banging?" Together or were you both single and each had a history with him? I'm confused here.

 

[Rolyo85]

maaaaan, so i looked through his phone yesterday and he went out to get food with this one guy that both of us were banging around last year. he says it was just to seek advice with the whole friend's suicide thing but this really irritates me. i feel like it's not even a big deal but it just angers me to think that he feels like he has to lie to me to protect me. advice?

Advice? Don't snoop through your bf's phone. That alone would be enough for me to instantly kick your ass through the door.

 

[shastamc24]

You are exactly right. You should never rummage through their personal business. Also, just from your post, it doesn't really sound like he is cheating. Just talk to him, but I would caution being too demanding. That will probably make it worse.

That been said, being scared and upset over someone that you think is cheating or has cheated can make one do very stupid things they might not normally do. I know this from personal experience. My boyfriend was cheating on me with someone I thought was just his friend ( I even ASKED about this person) and an experience like that really takes a toll. It really puts you on edge and only someone in that situation can really judge you.

 

[alexm54444]

^ What do you mean this guy that "both of you were banging?" Together or were you both single and each had a history with him? I'm confused here.

uhh it was a dude that i was banging last year and kind of dated for a month and my bf had sex with him earlier this year before we met.

 

[alexm54444]

Advice? Don't snoop through your bf's phone. That alone would be enough for me to instantly kick your ass through the door.

i didn't even look through his phone to be honest. i just looked over his shoulder while we were hanging out and saw he was texting the guy who we both fucked and was curious why they were talking and that's when i found out. the only reason i was suspicious about why they were talking in the first place was because my bf's phone was blowing up with texts the other morning at like 7, and when he was half asleep was like, "i wonder if that's my brother or if it's That Guy"

 

[alexm54444]

another fight ensued this morning, when we were in the middle of having sex the guy who he hung out with the other day texted him in a playful friendly way and i let my emotions get the best of me. i just want to be like, "stop texting my fucking boyfriend" but he likes it and it sucks. i hate that all we do is fight over dumb shit now and i feel like maybe it's all my fault but there are elements of shade from his side of the relationship too. are we doomed? i'm starting to feel hopeless

 

[TX-Beau]

Usually when someone posts a thread like this they’re looking for validation about why they’re angry with their boyfriend.

It’s usually pointless to ask us anything about the other guy since he’s not here to tell us what’s going on in his head.

The only thing we can really say anything about is the OP who’s the guy talking. So it looks like you are making your problem worse. You can never control the other guy, and really, trying just makes things worse. He’ll only stay with you if he wants to – so ask yourself, are you making choices that encourage him to want to be with you?

Are you? You can’t force someone to love you, but you surely can force someone who might love you away.

I’m not telling you to be a doormat, I’m telling you there are two of you in that relationship, and there is no “right,” or “wrong,” and if you’re thinking in that fashion you’re going to hurt yourself.

 

[Just_Believe18]

This issue has now become larger than just "Manroullette" now. You clearly have trust issues with your boyfriend. It's difficult to understand the nature of what is going on in your relationship because you tell us details that drive your suspicion, but I find an absence in information when it comes to the prior connection both of you have to this past fling that texts your boyfriend. Have they always had a kind of friendship? Have you talked about your feelings to this person instead of harping on your boyfriend about it all the time?

To have a fight in the middle of sex is very unhealthy for a relationship. Again, you are not showing control over your emotions, and I worry your behavior will eventually drive your boyfriend away.

 

[alexm54444]

i guess i'm just being an emotional cunt about everything but i still feel like it's not all my fault either. i mean, i know my boyfriend loves me as much as i love him but i'm insecure about lots of things. i hate the fact that he still texts his ex stuff about their hometown and that he "likes" a bunch of stuff on his ex's page and half of his pictures of are him and his ex and i guess just get worried and i guess that also has to do with the fact that we met on grindr. i don't know if i'm being an emotional basketcase or what, and i feel like i'm just psychoanalyzing everything but a part of me feels justified in the way i feel. maybe it's that i don't believe in myself enough to sustain this relationship because whenever i compare myself to his previous flings i don't feel like i excel in any way.

 

[Luka]

My boyfriend has Grindr and A4a, and so do i haha we think its fun to go on and flirt with boys since its harmless internet fun! we also pick out hot boys in public, i think it really strengthens our relationship because we can just be open and say we think a guy is hot lol.

As for the talking to an ex thing.... i would kinda be upset, i don't think ex's should be friends, but also it depends on how long he dated the guy..if it was a few weeks, no harm i think, if a few months..kinda ok, if a few years...oh hellll no lol unless u are all friends..i dunno touchy subject i think everyone is different on this subject