Boyfriend issues

[Spazer181]

Okay, my boyfriend comes from a very traditional Muslim family from the United Arab Emirates and they have more or less figured out that I exist. His grand scheme was that our relationship would be a secret from his family and if any questions were asked I'd just be a "good friend." I've pointed out that I didn't think that would ever work, but he wanted to press on, which was fine with me. Now, however, it appears the jig is up. I'm not really sure what to say/do, I do not want to be the "cause" of family problems for him (granted it takes two to tango...). Also, if he comes out, he is convinced that he will be disowned and disinherited. I'm so distressed, I'm apparently using terrible cliches...
I've basically said, I see two options: 1) we break up, so he can tell his family that its over and he will never do it again or 2) he comes out and risks being disowned/disinherited. I don't want to break up with him, but that's all I can think of.

Anyway, any thoughts?

(Also, apologies for orthography and grammar errors - I'm quite tired and my spell check in Firefox is for French.)

 

[PSCGuy]

It would seem to me that you're doing what you should. The ball is in your boyfriend's court at this point. Just let him know how you feel, that you don't want to break up with him and (I'm guessing) that you're comfortable with whatever he decides. It sucks that you basically had to give him an ultimatum, but from my angle it seems your hand was forced. Let him know, however, that now you've seen he can't hide you from his family forever, and even though he might want to pull himself back into the closet now, that would probably just delay the problem to another day. I think you're right, ultimately, and now you just have to play the waiting game on his decision.

I hope everything works out for you two.

 

[LeoMikey]

Not much you can do but see how he handles it. If you REALLY love him, stay with him during what must be a very trying time for you both. In his country this is punsihable by death, so he's getting off easy if his family dumps him! You breaking up with him might not be the end of it for him. His family might disown his anyhow, even if he repents his "sin" (give me a fucking break!). They might pick a wife for him (this is also common) and he might get pressured into marrying her, which will only lead to disaster.
Remind your boyfriend that a family is made up of people who love each other, not just because they are blood relations! Point out that the two of you can move away (if they live nearby) and form your family of friends, maybe adopt kids someday.
I'm lucky my parents are Danish/Norwegian, so they are very accepting of human nature. But if i did have to pick between my true love and my family, i'd tell my family they can either accept me or never see me again. If they refused to have a gay son, then they don't really love me. I know that sounds cold, but that's really what it all comes down to.
If you decide to stand by him until this is resolved, he will learn what real love is. Also, his family might tolerate him (not good enough for me, sorry) but hate you. In that case, he can either go with you, or stay with them.
Just remember his family is likely so severly brainwashed by religion that they will never accept him being gay. I really feel bad for him. It might help if the both of you talk to a therapist who specializes in gay issues, there are plenty of them. Good luck.

 

[rareboy]

It is his family's problem: let them figure out how they're going to deal with it.

You'll find out a lot about your bf through this ordeal.

Does he have balls? Will he behave like a man? Will he choose love over obedience? Can he think for himself?

Don't break up with him just to help him out. That is also the coward's way out.

Be prepared to let him go though if you discover his spine is made of Jello.

 

[Spazer181]

The thing of it is, this is happening so fast, we've been together 3 weeks. I like him, don't get me wrong, but I don't know that I love him yet. I've basically done what PSCGuy has said, I guess at this point it's just a waiting game.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Avoid any ultimatum, if you possibly can. Ultimatum as such is always limiting the scope of your action and that must always be avoided.

His family seems to be living far away, judging by your blog entries. Their views on his sexual life are none of your concerns really. He seems to be reasonably concerned with his future and the inheritance that he probably sees as rightfully his.

My advice: tell him to keep his private life - private. Forcing the truth upon his family may be very counterproductive. He has got loads to lose and nothing to win. You may break up with him but a gay dude is a gay dude and nothing will ever change that.

View this as his problem and not yours. You are in for your happiness and fulfillment. Do not let the others interfere.

SC

 

[NewStart]

I live in Dubai, grew up here, come from a muslim family, and know the turmoil your boyfriend is going through. Don't give him ultimatums, with time, the two of you can work through this.

If he's an Emarati in the US, then his family is probably richer than god. Getting disowned from his family in this case may have very significant financial repercussions. On the other hand, if he returns to Dubai, he will most certainly be married off within a few years.

My suggestion would be for him to stay in the US. Dubai, with all its touted modernity, is no place for gays.

 

[Oden_grey]

It is his family's problem: let them figure out how they're going to deal with it.

You'll find out a lot about your bf through this ordeal.

Does he have balls? Will he behave like a man? Will he choose love over obedience? Can he think for himself?

Don't break up with him just to help him out. That is also the coward's way out.

Be prepared to let him go though if you discover his spine is made of Jello.

I don't think this is quite fair to say. A boyfriend could dump you over a word, but family will have you when no one else will. Secondly, I know what it is like for Spazer181's boyfriend, because my family also comes from a country where homosexuality is outlawed. It's far to easy to come out in the States when you know you won't get jailed simply for being gay... or being denied the rights to property or being shunned by just about everyone you know with virtually no place to escape.

If Spazer181's boyfriend comes out where is he to go? He probably cannot go back to the UAE in good graces. U.S. citizenship is not easy to attain... and an Emirati is hardly a person the State Department will consider for asylum.

 

[rareboy]

A boyfriend could dump you over a word, but family will have you when no one else will.

Jejune. Apparently not true. If your family would have you when no one else will, then they should have the ability to have you when you have a boyfriend, eh? It just seems that there is this constant drone about how, in many cultures, your family will disown you if you like to suck cock and boohoo, you won't be able to live off the family trust fund.

What is it about the complete emotional and intellectual emasculation of boys in so many patriarchal cultures?

God forbid that anyone should try to change their atavistic society.

I stand by my original advice.