Boyfriend Left For College

[hotatlboi]

You made the right call, long distance never works, especially over a period of 4 years.

Unless one of you was willing to move to the other's area for college, it would not have worked.

But I think it's great that you left it open if you both are still single later on and that you are still friends. Great way to do it.

 

[tbtmo02]

You made a good call, because you never you might meet someone in college but felt held back . It's. Natural to feel a bit jealous it will wear off eventually

 

[ThreeCrows]

You sound like a really nice, kind, and patient guy. Hold on to those great qualities, but never let anyone take advantage of it.

Does that sound like a rational thing to do? If I'm not over him by the time he gets into a relationship, spare us both a dramatic event by cutting ties? And should I let him know of this plan in advance?

I think your concerns are very rational and perhaps you should let him know what you are thinking and feeling. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[future_retro]

I don't know, we're all different and what works for one may not work for another. At your age I would have probably made the same decision as you. But now I would say: life is short. Very short. If you really love each other, have a great relationship and are truly compatible, don't throw it away. If you really love each other, you can make it work. Could you perhaps look at moving with him in the near future? Could he transfer to another, closer college?

Having said that, if your relationship is not particularly strong, or if you don't really feel that much for each other, then yes, you made the right decision.

 

[Seasoned]

Given your situation you made the right decision. You both knew that this distance would be too great given your age and the fact you're both starting the grand adventure of college. All your thoughts and feelings are normal. It's heartbreaking to have your boyfriend leave. Right now he's totally distracted while you won't be for a couple of more months. He only has his thoughts of you, while you have your thoughts AND all the physical reminders of your relationship. Do you understand why it's necessary and easier for him to move forward?

You are planning ahead to protect yourself emotionally and that is wonderful insight. In all likelihood you'll both move on to other partners and, with time and new experiences, your love for each other will turn to fondness. You'll both be grateful to one another for providing a great early life love relationship.

What you have/had sounds like a wonderful, respectful, mutually satisfying and healthy relationship that will be your foundation for evaluating future relationships.

Use your plan for emotional separation if needed. Don't tell him ahead of time because it could be interpreted as emotional blackmail. Let him know when the time comes and you can frame it as being happy for him but sad for yourself and let him know you intend to remain friends.

I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you well. Please don't go off to college feeling more sad than excited. You don't want to give off that vibe as it will make you less eager to be open and friendly. You have family and friends here. Come back often.

 

[mynameisace]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months. He ran into financial problems and was forced to transfer to a school about 8 hours away. We were both crushed when we found out and we considered ending it, but realized we cared too much about each other to break up. We knew it'd put a strain on the relationship, but we decided to give it a go and we visit each over via Megabus about once a month and stay for a few days at a time. With the advent of Skype and modern forms of communication, it's wholly possible to maintain a long distance relationship, but you need to put a considerable amount of effort into it. You need to realize the physical aspect of the relationship will be greatly crippled, but you can still foster the emotional aspect of it. No one can tell you what's right for you better than you.

 

[hotatlboi]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months. He ran into financial problems and was forced to transfer to a school about 8 hours away. We were both crushed when we found out and we considered ending it, but realized we cared too much about each other to break up. We knew it'd put a strain on the relationship, but we decided to give it a go and we visit each over via Megabus

In this case, they said they are on opposite sides of the country. Not sure what country the OP is from, but if it's the USA, that's considerably farther than 8 hours by Megabus.

 

[hotatlboi]

So how badly have I fucked up? Any advice on how to take his decision, one way or the other? (I'll probably need more help dealing with rejection though)

Thank you all for responding by the way. It's really nice to have a community of people who will give me honest advice.

Kind of picking up on my previous reply, is there any potential for you to to be physically together during your college years through visiting or whatever?

If not you need to end it, because it will simply not work.

 

[chance1]

you're very thoughtful on this - easy to tell

long distance is hard

not sure i could break up with someone like that .............. so your maturity is pretty amazing

i think if it were me .......... i would say let's say that we can see other people and then see each other as much as possible on breaks

good luck

 

[saymyname]

Damn, that's rough man. I would say cherish your memories, don't try to bury all of them. Try to stay busy with friends and your upcoming studies. It's good to remain friends, and be open minded about the future. Remember you two are still young. Your love for each other might fade into friendship, but if it doesn't, you'll have to acknowledge that to each other a while from now. It sucks, and I'm going through something similar... it's part of growing up, I guess. But I still feel like true love should conquer all.

 

[Just_Believe18]

In my experience, you've made the right call, and followed through with it in a rational, mutual decision that has been discussed and agreed upon by your ex-boyfriend. Chances are you will probably not get back together after college and your life will go separate ways. However, at least you ended it on such a positive note and that hopefully you can remain lifelong friends and still have the memories of a good, past relationship.

 

[future_retro]

EDIT: Thanks Chance. I think that's pretty much what it came down to in the end.

We talked. It was a lot more of me trying to convince him, and him trying to convince me. He eventually said a straightforward "No". I know he's right, but it sucks to be rejected.

Our final discussion came down to whether or not we could salvage our friendship. I told him that I would need some guarantees from him, even though they may be selfish. First, we can't get into a relationship until college has started and we both have friends to fall on for support. Second, if one of us is having a bad day and lets the dreaded "I love you" slip, we have to say it back. Even if it comes with a lecture about how "we shouldn't say that anymore". He agreed to those.

So back to being friends, but I'm taking a different approach. Skype isn't gonna alert me when he logs on anymore, the Spotify playlist we made together is being deleted, all the artifacts he gave me and stuff we made together are being put in a box and placed in my closet. Every little thing that reminds me of him will be tucked away for me to find later as memories. I'm gonna go volunteer at the animal shelter more often, hang out with friends, and try to be a higher spirited person. I'm still going to talk to him, but this time I don't want my life to revolve around him the way it has for the past two weeks. Or rather, the past 9 months.

If anyone has any other suggestions for getting over the emotional relationship, please tell me. I know that the easiest way to get over somebody is to go cold turkey, but that will only be a last resort.

I don't have much to say but I wish you all the best and I'm sending you a virtual hug. It must be a tough time. You obviously really care about him, which is a noble and beautiful thing, and I'm sure he cares a lot for you too.

I don't know about "cold turkey" but you will definitely do yourself a big favour if you hold him at something of a distance and don't communicate too often or for very long in the foreseeable future; at least the next few months (I would say even maybe for the rest of the year). Since you are breaking up, you need time apart, to adjust to the 'new' situation otherwise, you will prolong the feelings of loss.

I wish you all the best. You're obviously smart and sensitive, and you'll be OK.

 

[sixthson]

From what you have shared, I doubt you can only love him a little. And I doubt you can move on with your life, in a healthy way, and still be friends. I know you want to keep some kind of relationship with him, but can you really handle it? It sounds like he is ready to move on, but you are not. Who knows what the future holds for you, but right now you need protect your emotional life and how can't you do that if you want to hear him tell you he loves you, knowing in your heart it is not just the love of a friend you want?

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, sucks. Sugar almost always when you lay down an ultimatum - and that's what you did, you get the result you didn't want.

OK

1. no you can't still be friends, not for a while yet. You need space, distance, and time. Which is what you've got anyway so there is that. Don't contact him unless he initiated it, and then don't wallow in it.

2. The best way to get over someone for me is to go date some other guys. Yes you will feel that way about someone else, a lot of someone elses hopefully. It's a hallmark if being very young that you think this is all that rare. It's not unless you ignore number 3.

3. GET. OUT. OF. THE. HOUSE. If you sit alone in the dark warbling along off tune to every angsty lesbian folk singer you can find, you're just going to prolong the agony.

GET OUT! Put on some slutty jeans and go bump and grind with a bunch of sweaty men. You may not find true love, but that doesn't negate the nirvana you can find down a party boy's pants.

Yeah I said that.

 

[TX-Beau]

BTW almost nobody, straight or gay - who has a relationship going into college, has the same one coming out. You're young, you don't know shit yet, and there are A LOT of hot guys on campus, it's what I like to call a target rich environment.

College is the only time in your life that you'll have the prerogatives of an adult, with the freedom from responsibility of a kid - DO NOT WASTE VALUABLE YOUTH ON ANGST!

(but you're going to waste some of it like that anyway because you are young)

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

THAT has been how every single one of my relationships has ended; we ended up going to different colleges. Sucks, but such is life, unless you want to go on E! and go out with Kim. K. with her sex tape (only claim to fame).