Boyfriend likes another guy

[Helios90]

Have an issue, looking for some advice. First some background info. I've been with my boyfriend for a little under three years now, we live together, we share most of our interest except for his love of the card game Magic the Gathering, and we are not open.

Anyway, over a year ago he became a judge for the card game Magic. It means 1 or 2 weekends a month he goes off and judges at events. Over the course of that year he made made many friends including a cute guy we can call Joe.

My boyfriend admited to me soon after they met that he had a crush on the other guy. No worries from me, I get he can't control a crush. Plus the guy is straight anyway. We've always been open and honest about these things, for example he knows I had a crush on one of my former coworkers.

Fast forward to last weekend, he was at a Magic event and his friend Joe comes out as Bi and introduces his new boyfriend to everyone. Everyone is shocked including my boyfriend but also supportive. My boyfriend tells me and I tell him to relay my congratiulations.

Then that Sunday he starts complaining to me that I don't like Magic and that he wishes he could have a relatioship like Joe's where they both play Magic. I tell him I'm sorry but its just not something I'm into, plus its healthy for people to have some different interest in relatioships.

When he gets back I ask about Joe's new boyfriend and ask him about his crush. He pretty much deflects the question and I let it slide, I get it can hurt.

Then I find out today while we're talking about Joe that he emailed the guy about his crush. He basically just had to get it off his chest, and that he wouldn't want either couple to break up. Joe responds that he doesn't feel the same but values my boyfriend as a close friend.

I don't nesserally have a problem with it, but I did tell him he should have talked to me about it first.

Basically I can't help but wonder if I would have been told anything if Joe felt the same way. I feel like he went behind my back, maybe hoping to persue something with his now (somewhat) avaliable friend. As I said I don't have a problem with the crush, I get that he can't control it. But I feel like he should have told me his interntions before sending the email.

Advice?

 

[Craiger]

You sound as though you have a fairly decent communication rapport with your b/f. Is the rest of your relationship on solid ground? Has he given you any other reasons to not trust him? If either of these things exist, perhaps a joint session with a counselor will help. If nothing more, another calm and non accusatory discussion could clear up the problem. Best of luck.

Craiger

 

[crzyrazn]

My opinion is, he disrespected you and is being deceptive. It seems you tried to be as understanding as possible, only to brandy his ungrateful faultfinding about how you don't share his passion for Magic, and comparing you to this guy.

Fook that.

I have a boyfriend, and we too talk and share about guys we think are "cute" or "hot", but your bf crossed what I would consider a line by actually telling the guy. The only purpose in doing being to solicit a response, one I'm sure he hoped would be in his favor.

I suggest sitting down with your boyfriend and asking him point blank to explain himself and to be honest about what he truly wants, and if that's you.

 

[eastofeden]

Mmmm...I think it is great that he told you and was honest about it...but I also think he crossed a line when he emailed him.

I would want him to tell me why he crossed a line. Like you...the crush wouldn't bother me...but he needs to understand boundaries. I would discuss boundaries with him.

 

[Seasoned]

Long term relationships require attention, communication, honesty and boundaries. There's a difference between a crush and a longing. You can't control anyone other than yourself, but, at the same time, you'd like to know that he values what he has with you and has impulse control when it comes to other guys.

My guess is that something has gone stale and he's using your disinterest in Magic as an excuse. I agree with you that it's healthy to have separate interests as long as you do have things to share. Don't feel guilty by not having this one interest in common with him and don't think that it'll be the reason for a potential breakup. He's using that as an excuse if that's the reason why he's susceptible to crushes.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Yes, your boyfriend made a mistake here. He should have communicated to you before hand that he was planning to send that message. This isn't a deal breaker, but it does require a conversation where the both of you can set boundaries and expectations of communication.

It sounds like you're a mature guy who can handle jealousy as a natural emotion that's okay to feel. Feeling jealous does not mean there is something wrong with the relationship. What is important is to make sure that both of you are completely open, honest, and trustful of each other.

I think we can help you further if you give us more of an overview of your relationship with your boyfriend. Is this a monogamous relationship? Have you had discussions about opening it up? Your boyfriend seems to openly admit infatuations with you that mean a big deal to him. How are you communicating desires outside of the relationship with each other?