Boyfriend Refuses to Bottom

[PabloZed]

I think its great that you and your bf talked about it and that he responded. That is a pretty good first step. Its also important that you are otherwise happy because that means you can keep the issue about sex and what each of you is comfortable with. I don't agree with Doughboy because from my personal experience with a bf who did not want to bottom, its not always about you but about him. He also did not feel comfortable. Indeed, he disliked it. So I just dropped it. We broke up and remain friends and it is interesting that he still won't bottom (for his current bf). So it wasn't about me.

Not knowing anything more about either of you I would say its well worth working on a relationship. And I would not jump to the conclusion that "he won't bottom for me so he does not respect me." Just because someone is gay does not mean they automatically also like something up their bum.

 

[neverdie]

The Lame Response Of Just Needing More Time Is An Excuse To Put Off What Will Never Come To Pass. And Even If It Did - Knowing That It Is Not Comfortable For Him - How On Earth Would It Be Comfortable For You?

Him.

True. I feel like any sex we have just won't be the same. Even if he does bottom, I won't be comfortable knowing he's basically being forced to do this. I don't want to have sex, I want to make love.

I guess I just can't break up just yet because I'm not ready to let go just yet. Although it has only been 8 months we have been through a lot and we have grown dramatically. Like I said, sex aside, this is the best relationship I have ever been in.

 

[Rimmer]

Hey, if he doesn't enjoy it, he doesn't enjoy it. I, for one, don't like it. Why would you do something that you know you don't like? And compromising isn't the issue here, because that could lead to bitterness.

And really, how long are you going to pretend to enjoy this? You said you never bottomed much before, and it seems like your at you wits end.

Sounds like trouble could be in the near future unless you two come up with some alternatives.

 

[Revan46]

All I can say is that sex isn't the most important thing in sex. If your basing your entire relationship around it it's not the best idea. But I also understand that sex is also somewhat important. So really it's up to you what you decide, I think you need to make the decision if sex is really THAT important.

 

[UC3543]

I am in the same exact situation as you. I had never bottomed before until we starting dating, bt he made it clear early on that he doesn't bottom, but he enjopys topping. We've been dating for 13 months now and I think I've bottomed 3 times.

He knows I don't really enjoy it, so we do other things and we have a great relationship regardless and I am fine with our sex life

 

[ephram314]

I really don't think either of you should have to do anything you don't want to do. If you've both given bottoming a good try and neither of you like it at all, then don't do it. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties, not a sacrifice made by one person for the other.

Gay sex is by no means just about anal. If everything else in your relationship is wonderful, and you can live without anal, then stick with it. No relationship will be perfect in all aspects, this is one aspect of your relationship that is an issue. I think you really have to weigh all the issues your relationship has together, and decide if it's worth it to you still. If it is, wonderful. If it's not, move on.

 

[justsimon]

Clearly, he doesn't respect you.

 

[Jo-thin]

why worry about top and bottom?
I'm not into anal sex at all so I don't
think you should get mad over that reason!
It might not be pleasurable for him!
so why won't u try cock to cock!
THAT FEELS SO GOOD! and everyones happy!
hahaha

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

Gay Bisexual Straight labels can be very artificial when it comes to ( SEX ) or as individuals interpret it or even interpret Gay Bisexual and Straight

For let say two people say they like each other and sex follows
Sex is first to liking someone ( indiffernet to each other ) only require the sex

Just how someone looks can just be enough for sex ( jack off material )

Top and bottom and Gay Bisexual Straight are thrown around like casual words

I say to the OP There is you and him and you share and if there is a clear reason why he finds being the bum you then can understand and feel closer to him

it is very easy to relax the bottom for sex unless there is a pyhsical problem

See a sex therapist and I am sure you will work it out

But usually if you both care for each other first and one or the other is not sex first or some problem they have with the idea of having a man use their bum

It is complicated for many when they try to be the label first then just be liking each other first

 

[Georgiadude]

Read the last sentence in your original post. If that truly is the case then the bottom/top issue isn't the real problem. A relationship needs to be give and take with both people. A relationship without respect for the other persons wishes and happiness is doomed to fail. It's just a matter of how much are you willing to bend and how long your willing to be the only one not getting "what (you) need or want."

 

[Just_Believe18]

Like some of you said, there's more to do than just anal sex. There's oral, but he hardly gives me oral either and always expects me to give him head. He agreed that he will at least do this more often since I'm refusing to bottom. I feel like he almost made bottoming seem as something bad and degrading, so I won't feel comfortable doing it.

This is the deal breaker for me. Unless the Top gives mind-blowing amazing head that substitutes his mouth for his ass, he's not worth it. I don't mind Bottoms, because topping is truly gratifying. However, I do have issues with Tops. Unless there are medical reasons associated with the preference, there's a selfishness there that limits the other half of YOU enjoying the sex you want.

Before you joined in a relationship, didn't you talk this over with him? If you knew you were getting involved with a "total Top," why didn't you cut it off before you fell in love with him? I would never be in a relationship with a man who would never share the other half of sex.

 

[midnight81]

I think people who are adamantly top or bottom without budging even a little bit are ridiculous. It's not like being gay, where this is who you are and you didn't choose it. You can choose to try something new during sex and have an open mind about it. Tops who refuse to bottom (and bottoms who refuse to top, though they seem much rarer) really seem to me like big assholes (no pun intended) who have dominance issues or just plain selfish.

Honestly, to the OP, this is about more than sex. Your boyfriend isn't thinking about your needs and he refuses to compromise. That's a sign of things to come and it will extend outside of the bedroom. Get out now before things get worse.

I understand what you are trying to say, but I have to disagree. As a young child, I was repeated raped by my foster father (who was quite large down there) and as a result, can NOT emotionally put myself in that position, its a psychological issue, and has nothing to do with wanting to CONTROL anybody else (I know all too well how that feels on the receiving end). I respect your opinion, but am disappointed that you can not respect others and what they may have suffered and feel the need to call them assholes just to make yourself feel superior to them.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but someone not wanting to be fucked beause they were raped is a lot different than someone not wanting to be fucked because they're selfish. And I think it's pretty obvious that what I was talking about was not what you're talking about.

But anyone who adamantly refuses to bottom just because "they don't like it" and then expects their partner to bottom is AN ASSHOLE! They're either sexually selfish or they have control issues or they have issues with being gay and associate bottoming with the thing about themselves that they hate the most.

 

[NineOfClubs]

I'm with Lex and Quanchi on this one. He obviously doesn't care about you just as long as HE gets off.

Add me to that list.

I'd tell the BF that if he won't bottom, he'd better be OK with you finding another guy to be your bottom on the side.

If he isn't OK with that, I'd say it's time to part ways.

 

[KingofFaeries]

I'm conflicted over this issue. I have no real preference when it comes to anal sex, I personally don't derive much pleasure from either being a top or a bottom. However I know that my partners in general do.

I Will NOT! bottom for anyone other than someone I am in a relationship with. And I rarely top anyone outside of that circumstance as well. To me anal is something very special, and allowing someone to penetrate me is kind of like my gift to them kinda thing. Personally it's not my thing, I prefer oral and cuddling. But to each their own I suppose.

As for your specific situation, you don't like to bottom and you said that you are no longer bottoming for him. Good on ya You also said that he has promised to give you head more since apparently before it was expected of you but not of him. So here's my take on the relationship, take it with a grain of salt since i don't really know either of you but here goes, He is stuck in the 'man must be man' thing. Meaning that the 'man' should get the pleasure while the 'woman' facilitates that pleasure. This is unhealthy unless you enjoy being used. While you guys may have a wonderful relationship outside of the bedroom, your issues there are going to cause some pitfalls in the future. The 'man must be man' thing can also contribute to his desire not to bottom simply because he seems allowing another man to penetrate him as making him into a flaming queen. (Again I don't know yall he may already be a flamer ) Bottom line if this is his reason for not bottoming then you should probably end it, because that type of mentality isn't reserved for the bedroom it's a way of life.

My other theroy is that, like me he only shares his butt with someone he knows is going to be around. In this scenario the reason he doesn't bottom is because he has trust issues. He sees his butt as something very special that he only wishes to share with someone who isn't going to be there in the morning so to speak. You said that he told you it took him 2 years before he let his exes get in him, and you guys have only been together for about 8 months. Now granted his exes may have been more patient, or verse, but in any event I think you should talk it over with him again, and get down to the root cause of why he doesn't bottom. And find out if he doesn't bottom at all, or he doesn't bottom with people he doesn't trust.

My 2 cents feel free to give it to a homeless guy

 

[midnight81]

KingofFaeries, I'm like you for the most part. I don't really enjoy anal sex one way or another. I'd much rather make out, jack off and blow each other.

And what you were saying about "men needing to be men" is exactly what I meant in my post above. But you said it better than I did. :-D

 

[KingofFaeries]

lol that's 1/2 of my posts just rephrasing and condensing other people's posts. Not that they aren't my thoughts, but people to tend to repeat each other on the forums

 

[p700granat]

To me it seemed to be a rather simple issue: if being able to top is very important to you, and he said he doesn't like getting a dick in the ass, then you should just let him go. At least sexually, perhaps you can continue to be friends of some sort if you are compatible on other levels. I don't see any issue here with "respect" or "compromise": there is no point in forcing somebody to do something he doesn't like. The fact that you bottomed for him even though you didn't like it is not a justification that he must do the same.

 

[Nickyz]

I think he doesn't care about you when you're having sex together, it's more like he's trying to get himself off alone knowing you feel uncomfortable to bottom him. He's selfish and a stupid love maker.

 

[homemadehuman]

He did say I can go out and find someone else

that was your queue to dump the fuck outta him.

 

[sunoftheskye]

If you're bottoming for him even though you don't really like it, and he refuses to do it for you, clearly there's a larger problem in your relationship, which is that he is selfish. You need to address them to him, and be blunt about it.