Boyfriend thinks I’m closeted

[MMMonsterBoy]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 7 months now, and things are good for the most part..except he thinks I’m closeted.

For starters, I am out to my family and friends, however I don’t talk to my family about being gay or acknowledge that I have a boyfriend. This makes him mad/sad and I’ve told him my family doesn’t talk about it and it keeps the peace. He believes I should politicize our relationship though I don’t feel as though that’s necessary. I don’t want my relationship to be a statement to my family. If anyone in my family were interested in my love life then I would tell them. I don’t want to stir the pot, at least not yet.

It bothers him that I am not the most affectionate guy in public. I’ve told him he can grab my hand and whatnot, but he doesn’t want to be the one to always initiate it. He feels ignored and thinks I have inner homophobia. The excuse I give him is that I hate being the center of attention, and people love to stare. I told him I hate being looked at and I hate the comments people make - positive or negative - when we show displays of affection in public. For me, when we are in public, I feel it’s pretty obvious we’re more than friends due to our physical proximity and dialogue. I feel as though I am with my boyfriend no matter where we are. However, he believes I am totally different person inside the house and outside the house. Inside, I am super affectionate because that is where I am most comfortable. Outside, I tone it down though I never feel I am not without my boyfriend nor do I feel as though I treat him like a friend. For me there are other ways to show affection without physical touch, though physical touch is very important to him.

We got into a huge argument about it last night and though we are great now, I know that the issue will come up again. Does anyone have any experience with this? Does anyone have any tips for how I can overcome this PDA thing and how I can make him feel more acknowledged?

I should mention that there is a 20 year age gap between us (I’m in my twenties).

 

[kallipolis]

The age gap should not matter there being a problem with your boyfriend's perceived right to expect you to behave in public on his terms.

Controlling personalities are not distinguished by their age, but by their determination to control others.

Your interpretation of the matter would appear to suggest that your boyfriend needs to leave you some slack to be who you are whether in private, or in public.

 

[KaraBulut]

...Controlling personalities are not distinguished by their age, but by their determination to control others.

^This

If your boyfriend were saying something to the effect of, "We're in a committed relationship and I want to know your family and I want your family to know me", that would be a healthy attitude. If your boyfriend is saying, "You should be out to your family because I want it", then that's something altogether different.

If your boyfriend is wanting you to behave a certain way in public for his reasons, then it's just another manifestation of the same control issue.

The age difference is more ironic than anything. As the older person in the relationship, he should be less needy and more understanding of your needs and wishes. If this controlling behavior and the fights that follow it cannot change, you may need to make a change to see someone who is more mature.

 

[sixthson]

I think there are multiple issues here. He may be seeing things differently because he has lived more life than you.
Also, lots of people are not comfortable with PDAs, regardless of their sexuality.
Also, there is a middle ground between you keeping him a secret from your family and him wanting to
politicize it. There needs to be understanding on both sides otherwise the arguments are going to turn into something more
serious. 7 months is not a long time for a relationship and you still have much to learn from each other. Besides understanding, you are both going to need patience and forgiveness.

 

[SeaCore]

Also, lots of people are not comfortable with PDAs, regardless of their sexuality.

I think this is particularly important to note. This is really all you should need to say on the matter.

It bothers me that your partner is stating that you're in the closet. Ya know, it's one thing if it's a concern they have and they bring it up to you because they don't want to see you feel obligated to repress a part of who you are. But it's another to impose that concern and declare that you are closeted. I feel like that's incredibly disrespectful because they're undermining that you have come out and they're basically saying that you haven't done enough.

So just in case you need to hear it, you are doing enough. There is no one narrative that dictates what it means to come out. You've done what you felt is comfortable and safe doing and that is enough and I'm happy for you.

 

[mcbrion]

"We got into a huge argument about it last night and though we are great now, I know that the issue will come up again."

This is the most important line here. If you know this issue will re-surface, then clearly there is not an understanding between the two of you, nor an agreement where you are both at peace. It WILL eventually create some other website in the relationship, and no relationship can really deepen when important issues are left to fester. It will need to be discussed. It may be that he feels less important that you have not told your family that you're involved with someone. Have you asked him about this? Not acknowledging someone can also come across as "you're-not-permanent-enough-(in my heart/mind)-for-me-to-announce-we're-involved." Find out if that's how he feels. Probe. Asking questions makes people feel important: not asking has the opposite effect. If he is important to you, than what he feels is important to at least know.

 

[eastofeden]

I am completely out and have been my entire adult life and I can't stand public displays of affection. Couples holding hands doesn't bother me but intimacy on public display does....

Personally....I won't hold hands because when I am anywhere I have to focus hard to pay attention to what is around me because my eyes go the the tallest thing on the horizon and anything between that and me I have to concentrate paying attention. Holding hands doesn't allow me to do this....

If my husband really wants me to hold his hand..and he has..I do it...because it isn't to much to ask and relationships are about give and take....but he knows that I would rather not hold hands...

When we first met he had a similar issue with me where I made him come out and then he wondered why I wouldn't hold his hand..so I did it in a crowded Downtown San Jose for a couple miles back in the 1980s when no one was doing it to prove to him I wasn't afraid...but I am just uncomfortable holding hands in general...it isn't connected to being gay....

We are very affectionate at home...have been with him over 30 years and we are still very affectionate..but you will never see it on display. I don't really like seeing gay or straight PDA...and it isn't because I am homophobic...

My point....it isn't just you. I know alot of other people who feel the same way as well. The best course of action is just to put how you feel on the table. Honesty is the best way to come to an understanding or compromise....

Good Luck!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi MMMonsterBoy,

The discussion in this thread is focused around a definition of the term 'closeted' and around your decision that you are hiding to your family that you have a commitment to a guy. It seems to me that your boyfriend has valid motives to know your family and to let your family know that he is in a committed relationship with you.

I often compare this kind of discussions with straight guys who get a (new) girlfriend and how such straight guys are incorporating this new situation into their daily life. Almost all of these straight guys don't need to hide to (parts of) the world that they have this (new) girlfriend, and such news often gets spread in a very natural way. How about for example Facebook where this straight guy will post some random pictures of him and his new girlfriend. Lots of his friends will often assume / take it for granted that this girl will be his (new) girlfriend, and in particular when he will regularly upload such pictures (and even without telling anything that she is his new girlfriend). The same is of course the case for his relatives who are FB friends of this guy. So it all goes in a very natural way, and there is no reason for this straight guy to hide to anyone that he has a close friendship with this girl.