Boyfriend Troubles

[Esquire0399]

Hey guys,

So in general I'm not the kind of person to ask for help because most of the time I'm good at coming to a conclusion that works out for the best on my own. That and I really just hate bothering others with my problems. Normally I'd just talk to my best friend, but her grandomother just died a few days ago so she's got much more important things to think about. But this subforum is here for reason so I might as well use it.

My boyfriend and I really have been together officially for that long, only about 2 months, but because we knew each other for so long before we made our relationship official it feels like much longer. My problems with him started when I discover how clingy he was, in the sense constantly wanting to be around me. Now I'm the type of guy that enjoys affection and appreciates time with the people I love, but I also require a healthy amount of time for myself, away from everyone else, just to think. He doesn't understand that.

Soon after discovering this annoying but bearable personality quirk about him, I discovered one that has proven to be much more detrimental to my feelings for him. He is completely selfish with my time, which is extremely limited due to my being a grad student in Civil Engineering.

I've tried several times to talk to him about how I feel, but he really doesn't like to have serious conversations and actually tries to avoid them with humor. In order to get all of my feelings out without being interrupted or feeling like I'm being ignored, I wrote him a letter. I'll post an excerpt so that you guys can get a feel for what I'm really going through because it's too deep to explain in just a few words:

I’ve always understood a relationship to be something where two people come together and care for each other, love each other, regardless of their various shortcomings. In many ways I think you and I have that. At the same time I get the feeling that there are things about my life that you give very little effort to understand. The simple fact is my life is extremely busy. While I totally understand how difficult it must be to understand the massive commitment that grad school is when you aren’t the one going through it, I feel as if you also aren’t trying all that hard to sympathize with my situation. Grad school is not just a few hours of homework here, a test or two there. It’s a full-time job, ON TOP of my actual job. I know that at times, often in fact, you feel as if I’m not giving you as much time as you deserve, and I can certainly understand where you’re coming from, not understanding my full situation. The thing I need you to realize, though, is that you get an overwhelming majority of my free time. If I’m not with you, it’s usually because I’m in class, working on a school project, doing research for my Master’s thesis, putting in hours that work, trying my hardest to find time for my family, who as of late get very little time at all with me compared to what they used to and yet somehow they don’t complain, or attempting to hang out with my best friends who I barely see at all anymore and actually feel like I’m neglecting altogether. Sure, it makes sense that it feels like you don’t get me as much as you’d like because I always have some major commitment (so no, I’m not ignoring you), but understand that I try so hard, so damn hard, to see you more than anyone else in my life right now, and that’s only because I give all of my energy to scraping together any and all spare scraps of time that I can find during the week to do so. The problem is that in doing so I’m too often sacrificing schoolwork, which at this specific moment in my life, is the most important. As absolutely unacceptable as that is, I do it for you. There’s something about me that some people find unusual but that you need to understand. I’m the kind of person that absolutely requires time to myself, away from the world and everything and everyone in it, in order to function properly. I need to lock myself in my apartment, turn my phone off and just think. These days I just don’t get that anymore, ever. It might seem selfish and weird but it’s a part of me and it’s not going to change. I know that you get lonely and depressed when you don’t have anyone around, I know how you are and I wish I could do more, but there is truly only so much I can do with what little time and energy I have. Being so completely and utterly drained at all times that I could break down at any minute of everyday, just so that I can be everything to everybody is an unbelievably taxing thing to do, and if that makes me a bad boyfriend then so be it. I know I don’t show it, I know I put a happy face on for everybody and pretend to be Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky every day, all day because, you know, “Sean (me) doesn’t get to have bad days, he’s just so sweet,” but what you and most of the rest of the world don’t know is that behind that bullshit façade is a very unhappy person; someone that literally everyday, at 11:11, wishes quite simply for HAPPINESS.” In truth I’m quite depressed over the life that I live. It's a tough reality for me to swallow because I thought I had gotten passed all of my depression issues of my teenage years, but I have no choice but to acknowledge it for my own sanity. Because I'm so afraid to let anybody down or have anyone worry about me, I pretend that everything is fine and that I’m just a little stressed. “It’s no big deal,” I always say, but actually it is a big deal. I feel like shit in the life I live because I don’t live it for me. I go out of my way in my attempts to make everyone else happy (family, friends, you, teachers, work, etc.), but always put my own happiness, my own needs, on the back burner. I’ve done this all of my life and I’ve never really complained, but now I’ve reached my threshold and I can’t do it anymore. I just don’t know what to do, but I do know that I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else.

This isn't exactly my most articulate post ever, probably because I'm kind of emotional right now, but please bear with me. I know it's long but please just try to read it. I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm looking for, I guess just anything that you think might help. Thanks!

 

[altlover85]

Hey Sean,

Thanks for sharing that with us and I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now.

The following might be a little harsh, but I'm just trying to help you see things from a different point of view and let you see how someone might take your letter.

After reading the letter, I'm hoping that there are some things you didn't share that you did put in the letter.

I'm hoping you told him that you loved him and that you really need his support right now. I'm hoping that you mentioned examples of when he's been helpful and thanked him for that.

If you were my bf and I read that letter, I'd be partly happy that you shared something so deep, partly pissed that you seem to think that spending time with me is detrimental to your well-being (I understand that's not what you said, but I'm trying to put myself into your bf's shoes and he's probably not emotionally detached from the situation like I am if that makes any sense), and partly thinking it might be time to end things so that you could take the time out you need for yourself and deal with grad school and the depression.

My main point is, I'm hoping the letter is a little more balanced and not just a litany of all the issues in your life, but also an expression of how you feel about the relationship and what if anything your boyfriend can do to improve things, besides just not being as demanding of your time.

Now, here's a hug.

I do hope you feel better soon and that you two can work it out.

 

[Esquire0399]

Hey Sean,

Thanks for sharing that with us and I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now.

The following might be a little harsh, but I'm just trying to help you see things from a different point of view and let you see how someone might take your letter.

After reading the letter, I'm hoping that there are some things you didn't share that you did put in the letter.

I'm hoping you told him that you loved him and that you really need his support right now. I'm hoping that you mentioned examples of when he's been helpful and thanked him for that.

If you were my bf and I read that letter, I'd be partly happy that you shared something so deep, partly pissed that you seem to think that spending time with me is detrimental to your well-being (I understand that's not what you said, but I'm trying to put myself into your bf's shoes and he's probably not emotionally detached from the situation like I am if that makes any sense), and partly thinking it might be time to end things so that you could take the time out you need for yourself and deal with grad school and the depression.

My main point is, I'm hoping the letter is a little more balanced and not just a litany of all the issues in your life, but also an expression of how you feel about the relationship and what if anything your boyfriend can do to improve things, besides just not being as demanding of your time.

Now, here's a hug.

I do hope you feel better soon and that you two can work it out.

Hey man, thanks for the reply! Yeah, like I said this was just an excerpt from the letter so you guys could get a better idea of the issues I'm having. Unfortunately there isn't a ton of the good parts of our relationships in the letter. It's there but I think maybe I was so angry and sad and just generally emotional in the moment that all the focus was on the bad. I guess that's why you're not supposed to send these things right away. That said, I don't regret saying anything I said. This is my first real adult relationship and I'm learning quickly that it's tough dealing with the bad side of love. Hopefully it'll work out for the best, regardless of the outcome. Thanks again!

 

[QuinnRider]

I understand you and I understand the point you are trying to make, but honestly some of that rant sounds like "I just give so much of me to everyone, all I do is give give give and you take take take without caring how I am" it sounds snotty and I don't think you mean it that way. Also, if you spend the majority of your time on schoolwork, you should carve time out for yourself, and most of the rest of your time should go to your boyfriend. He's your boyfriend, thats how it usually goes. Maybe you just have too much on your plate, but it's unfair to lay all your depression and unhappiness on someone who just likes you enough to want to spend alot of time with you. Thats pretty crushing. Again, I understand what you are getting at, but maybe there is a better way of saying...it..? idk. Just my opinion. Either way, if you're feeling crazy, you need time away, period and as a human being you deserve that!

 

[medic1]

Hey Esquire.
Altlovers post brought up some really good points . I have read many of your posts and you have always come across to me as such a selfless guy .
Maybe you are right at least i think you are , everyone needs that special time
to themselves for whatever reason it sounds to me that you have spent so long
trying to please everybody else you have forgotten the most important person
and that is YOU , if your boyfriend finally get,s that i think with a lot of luck and
a bit of work it might just might work out for you i really hope so.
I dont know if you can remember but quite a few months ago i sent you a pm
your answer back just confirmed what i thought about you (a fucking really decent
guy ) , Good luck buddy in the meantime have one of these .

 

[rjmrjm21]

I don't know you sound frustrated. You should stop your boyfriend in his tracks and tell him to give you some space. If not, well, you must decide whether being miserable is worth being in that relationship. If the love is real, you will find a way to work it out.

 

[G-Lexington]

If there's an issue in the relationship, you have a talk with him. If he tries to deflect it with humor, call him out on it. "Look, I do like joking around with you, but I need to talk with you straight-up for a minute here. This is important, and I don't want it to screw up our relationship." Hopefully, your letter will accomplish the same thing.

Lex

 

[bullwing413]

who wouldn't want to be around you all the time?? (That may not help your situation but it should help your ego.)

 

[sixthson]

Selfishness is detrimental to any kind of relationship and your bf needs to realize this. He also needs to see the bigger picture and understand that life will not always be like this for you.

In relationships, sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on, sometimes we need to be the shoulder. It is all about balance.

I think the letter is ok, but you do need to talk face to face and accept nothing other than his full attention. Perhaps you should put on paper just exactly what your day-to-day life is like, including time alone for yourself. That way he can see what times are open for him.

Good luck, Esquire.

 

[Esquire0399]

Thanks for all of your responses guys. After sleeping on it and having calmed down a little from the argument we had last night, which prompted me to write the letter in the first place, I agree that in a lot of ways it does come off a little snotty. Kind of like I actually don't care about him, which is the farthest thing from the truth. It's just that I feel engulfed in my daily life and don't get much time to enjoy to good parts of it, him being one of them.

@medic I'm glad you think I'm such a good guy, that's all I've ever tried to be. And yes I do remember when you PM'd me, I really appreciated it. I guess I just wish other people in my life (not just my boyfriend) saw the sacrifices I make to do so. The only real reason I took it out on him in the first place is because I was mad at him and hurt at the same time in that specific moment. But I know placing all of the blame on him was not at all the right thing to do. I guess it just shows that I'm still young.

@G-Lexington and lucky7 Thanks you for the advice guys, I totally agree with what you said. If I can't talk to him and be 100% honest with him without being taken seriously, there really isn't a relationship here at all, at least not one thats going to last. Having sent him that letter, I plan to do just what you've suggested and hopefully we can get something out of that. While I agree a letter wasn't the best course of action, at least now he knows exactly how I feel and we can get directly to figuring out what to do to fix it.

@bullwing413 Hahaha thank you.

@sixthson If there's anyone here that understands the reality of an adult relationship it's you. Thanks so much for commenting. I agree that selfishness is very dangerous and actually it's one of the things that I hate the most. Perhaps that why it hurts me so much. Now of course there needs to be balance in a relationship in order for it to work. I know I make it seem like my bf is just the worst thing ever and that I'm perfect, but that's is so far from the truth. I have flaws and things that I could do much better, just like everyone else. As I've said a few times already, I'm young, I'm learning.

Ultimately I think now that I've gotten everything off my chest, albeit in a less-than-ideal way, it will at least be easier for me to express my feelings to him when we talk face to face about all of this. I love my bf and will continue to love him, and he loves me, whether we stay together or not, so I know this letter isn't going to change that. Thanks again for all of your help guys, it really makes a huge difference getting so many different perspectives that I wouldn't have considered on my own, even when you're telling me I'm wrong. In the end it all making me a better person which I really appreciate. I'll let you know how things turn out.

 

[altlover85]

Keep us posted.

I'm glad you've found these responses helpful.

 

[Seasoned]

Let me take a slightly different take on this. I understand that you are busy, but if you have people pleasing characteristics you may also suffer from perfectionism and workaholicism. Finishing school and trying to succeed at a job might even be a worse time for you.

You mentioned a bit about depression. Do you think you need treatment for it?

How many of these issues were discussed with your bf before you became exclusive? Was any of your motivation to be exclusive saving time by not having to hook up?

You have a long history of giving and a long history of not asking for what you want. In a lot of ways we can be like icebergs, showing only 10% of ourselves. You and your bf have a great opportunity to become more intimate. It's going to take some real compromise and it's going to take living up to your committments. He may want to take up a new hobby or course of study during this time. Do surprise him with something romantic from time to time.

 

[Esquire0399]

^Thanks for the reply soreknees. It's a fact that I'm a perfectionist to a fault, with some OCD tendencies as a side effect. As for depression, it's not severe enough that it needs to be treated, it just comes from overworking myself towards a degree that I'm not really even sure I want, on top of having to work at a job where I do the job of someone well above my paygrade, without even really being recognized, and never getting to see the people I love anymore.

As for discussing these issues before entering the relationship, yes I made it a point to get him to understand my situation and even asked him to give me time to figure things out before we got serious. He kept pushing and I gave in. Unfortunately now I see that I did it more to make him happy than for myself.

 

[Esquire0399]

So I just wanted to update you guys like I said I would. As of a few hours ago my bf and I are no longer together. I realized that at this point in my life I need to focus on myself and my future. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I just wasn't happy in that relationship. I'm not saying the failing of our relationship was anyone's fault in particular, it's just that we weren't really good for each other at this point in our lives. Honestly, I'm not sure I was ready to be in a committed relationship just yet anyway. Now I'm feeling a mixture of sadness, heartbreak, and (as much as I hate to admit this) a bit of relief. And that's all she wrote.

Thanks again everyone for all of your advice, kind words, and constructive criticism. Unfortunately things didn't work out between us but if nothing else I've learned a lot about myself and how I can be a better person. Love you all!

 

[altlover85]

So I just wanted to update you guys like I said I would. As of a few hours ago my bf and I are no longer together. I realized that at this point in my life I need to focus on myself and my future. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I just wasn't happy in that relationship. I'm not saying the failing of our relationship was anyone's fault in particular, it's just that we weren't really good for each other at this point in our lives. Honestly, I'm not sure I was ready to be in a committed relationship just yet anyway. Now I'm feeling a mixture of sadness, heartbreak, and (as much as I hate to admit this) a bit of relief. And that's all she wrote.

Thanks again everyone for all of your advice, kind words, and constructive criticism. Unfortunately things didn't work out between us but if nothing else I've learned a lot about myself and how I can be a better person. Love you all!

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup.

One positive thing about the break up is that you decided that things were going south and decided to get out, as opposed to staying in a relationship were you were unhappy.

 

[anchihiro]

Hey, I think you did the right thing for both of you. Also it was better to do so now than later causing more heartache. At this moment in time with your commitments to studies, work, friends, family, and the natural need just to be on your own sometimes its only right that you ended it.
This will give you more time for the things you've had to neglect.
Also the mention of him not being capable of any semi-serious discussion? Would it have honestly worked out in the long run even if you didnt have all other commitments?
Break ups aren't fun but don't feel guilty, this was necessary. x