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Break up advice

luminum

luminum

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I'm currently giving my best friend some advice about how to go about breaking up with his girlfriend. She's basically a crazy bitch and fights with him about petty things and he's had enough, despite how cool she is when she's not nuts. He tried to break up with her, but she resisted so strongly that they're "on a break" and he's concerned that it's not good for her to sit and stew and let it boil over into anger in the meantime and feels he should just end it.

His only question is whether to do it over the phone or in person.

The dilemma comes because there are few discreet locations that they could break up and they both live about 1 - 1.5 hour's drive away from each other. So he wonders if its better to call and talk to her on the phone and end it, which is a little impersonal or ask her to drive out and meet him so he can end it in person. The drive would probably be about a half hour and gas is pricey for both of them and neither of them are rich.

So would it be more rude to break up somewhat less personally over the phone or to have them use pricey gas to drive out a long distance to get dumped, albeit personally?

What's your opinion?
 
Normally I'd say in person, but if she flies off the handle so easily phone is the best bet.
 
Thanks for the opinions, guys. Keep them coming. I personally think phone is appropriate in this case. Besides, I don't think a phone breakup is awful if you're not in the same city and if you can make it an actual interaction on the phone. Glad to see I'm not alone.

I was worried that if she drove away from their breakup that she'd do something stupid like drive off a bridge or something just as dramatic.

And yes, pending him not being a bit down, we will definitely party hardy.
 
His only question is whether to do it over the phone or in person.
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It must be done in person.
 
So you don't think it'd be crappy to make her drive an hour or so so that he can dump her? What if he actually talks to her on the phone?

I suppose the question should be more of "What are your reasons for why it must be done in person?"
 
Oh no. I'm saying He should make the effort to see her and then break-up. And yes, it is worth the pricey gas (lame excuse).

Telephone is the coward's way out of a situation.

Tell him to man up.
 
There seems to be no shortage of "crazy bitches" in the world.

And, even more interesting, there seems to be no shortage of guys who get into relationships with them.

Tell him to take the hit, fill the gas tank, drive out to her area, meet for coffee, and tell her that he wants to end it.

Apparently, they don't do it that way anymore, though. If he's kewl, he can just send her a text. "ITS OVR GOTTA B ME LOL OK BYE"

Lex
 
Maybe I'm missing something but if he has a girlfriend, wouldn't he be seeing her on a fairly regular basis?

If he's never seeing her in person and he thinks that the gas for an hour drive is too expensive- well, this relationship is already over- dead dead dead. All he's doing at this point is slamming the coffin shut.

"In person" is always better but it might be a good to have a friend go with him to be around if she goes ballistic or plays the guilt game. He just needs to get it done quickly so that everyone can move on. Why don't you drive him and split the cost?
 
Not to be flippant (but I will), she's a crazy bitch who flies off the handle. Hell, I'd do it by email with a return-receipt confirmation. Then, I'd block her email from my server. I wouldn't use air-time minutes on her.

Of course, I'm just going on the way it's presented here. There are variables that could change how it should be handled. And, a lot of it depends on the communication-style of the parties. For Millennium Gens, you can break up on Facebook or through IM'ing.
 
Let me clarify:

He never mentioned the gas thing, I just think it's a good thing to consider since on either end, it's inconsiderate (in my opinion) to have her drive a good distance to get dumped when gas is 4.00/gallon. So it's not his excuse, it's one that I was thinking about. To me, it seems like making someone go to an expensive restaurant with you and pay a hefty sum just to hear bad news.

They don't see each other as frequently because they just graduated from college, so now that school's over, she's back in her home town and he's back in his.

He's generally opposed to faceless interactions and doesn't believe in text messaging/emailing about important things, but he just wasn't sure if talking to her on the phone about this or them meeting up in person was appropriate because of the distance. Knowing him, if he spoke to her on the phone, it's wouldn't be like "Yo what's up--you're dumped." It would just be a decent conversation.

Also, I'll note here that there seem to be an egregious amount of ageist remarks just because the individual in question is my age. I'll have you all know that neither he nor I nor any of our friends believe in "text message breakups" or doing those kind of things over "facebook" or what have you. Short of writing a letter, trying to figure out break up etiquette between in person and over the phone doesn't seem like such a huge stretch warranting such derision. How rude and, to be honest, slightly offensive...

But anyway, I appreciate your advice and I'll let him know that the majority consensus is breaking up in person. I agree that the better thing to do is to drive out to her and break up with her, but is a coffee place really the best location? Would a more private break up at her place or outside her place be more considerate?
 
Hmmmm...... I despise texting, emails, and the like for any important relationship stuff.

I'd say to break up with her via phone and offer if she wants to talk about it in person if need be but be firm that it is over. If I had the choice of getting dumped in a public place in person, or privately at home via phone....I'd take the phone. I don't want a bunch of strangers see me get mad, cry, or scream.
 
What would you choose between getting dump in person privately or publicly?
 
luminum said:
What would you choose between getting dump in person privately or publicly?
Click to expand...

Assuming their relationship was more than 3 or 4 months, I would say the most "stand up thing" to do is break up in private. (Assuming it's a rational person)

If a person is "crazy" as you say, I would probably pick a place more public if I was scared there was a chance, no matter how remote, that person might try to be vindictive, and claim I beat them up, raped them, whatever. Assuming I was str8 of course. Women are all crazy.... so not sure what I'd do in that situation.
 
I would definitely do it in a good restaurant.
 
rareboy said:
I would definitely do it in a good restaurant.
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Personally I always felt this was a shitty thing to do. After all the person dumping the other has had plenty of time and space to come to his/her emotional closure. Now the dumpee has to deal with this issue head on, with no privacy, and quite possibly blind sided by it. Seems that if this is why you choose to break up with them, so that they don't get emotional on you, you are only worrying about what you want, and don't give a shit about them. In that case, honestly, it's just as bad as sending an email or text message to dump someone. Just don't pretend to be a stand-up guy by doing it. Same thing really. You are trying to control the reaction to your liking.

*shrug*
 
Although I do remember when I was 23 or 24 someone broke up with me by taking me out to one of the nicest places in town. I knew what he was up to as I was interested in his roomate at the time, so his roomie ratted him out to me, so I was prepared for it. And not that I cared in this particular instance since I boinked his roomate later that night.

But I did order the salad, appetizer, crab, and $150 bottle of wine. Poor dude didn't know what hit him when he got the bill for breaking up. LOL.
 
I'd say it depends how long they were going out.

If it was measured in months, the phone is fine.

If it was measured in years, I'd go in person.
 
But I did order the salad, appetizer, crab, and $150 bottle of wine. Poor dude didn't know what hit him when he got the bill for breaking up. LOL.
Click to expand...

Precisely.

At least make it cost something.

I do agree with Evil though. It isn't actually right to do it in a restaurant or in public just to protect yourself from the other person's anger or hurt.
 
Ah. True, but I was thinking that it might be better wrong to break up in public just because it would probably leave her emotional and out in the open.

They've been dating for about 9 or so months I think. But either way, he and I talked about it and I think he's going to drive out to see her. ::shrug:: Thanks for the advice, guys.
 
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