Breakdown

[gdude30]

This is a completely selfish thread. I took no time to read the other threads here or try to help anyone because I am a selfish bastard who needs to suffer some more in life.

And yes I am whining and bitching and being a stupid baby. But right now I don't give a fuck about that.

I hate the biggest breakdown ever tonight. And today went so good. I just got complimented on how I look. I don't think I look that great. I don't think I am that great. I don't know what people see in me. They see a me that doesn't exist yet.

I know I can probably be a great person. But I don't have a slightest clue in how to get there.

I just spent the last 30 minutes crying though. Beating up myself because I know it's my fault that I am this way. Trying to do things on my own when I am little, zoning out constantly and not getting a grip on reality, and setting these impossible expectations for myself then failing to go through with it.

I am a worthless stupid coward right now. I am also completely selfish. I hate that I am starting to make friends. Tonight I really made a connection with people. But in the long run I am going to make them hurt, make them run, and make them never want to see me again. I always do. Because somewhere deep inside of me I want to be left alone. No I NEED to be left alone. And I will always find a way to hurt people and scare them away. I never physically hurt anyone. Just mentally. Because I'm sick twisted bastard who doesn't deserve friends, love, family or anything. And I should just go live somewhere isolated and die alone and I could make this world a better place by doing that.

GOD DAMNIT

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. WHY DID I HAVE TO MAKE THOSE STUPID DECISIONS. WHY DID I FUCK UP MY LIFE. WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING COWARD AND A CRY BABY. WHY CAN'T I OPEN UP TO OTHERS OR BE SUCCESSFUL IN BEING ALONE

Damnit. I'm losing control right now.

I hate the way I am. I hate what I have and will become. I am just going to say this to scare everyone away and to secure my lonely future.

I am very sick. I used to be on the path to becoming a criminal. Because I was hurt so much I snapped inside and was becoming dark, hateful, and wanted to hurt people.

And in fact I almost hurt my sister really bad. And what scares me about how I did it was I saw the fear in her eyes and it had no effect on me. The only thing that stopped me was when I realized what I was about to do and I stopped. But she was such a badass at the time that she pretended like nothing happened. But only my grandma saw it happen in the car. My dads diddn't. I wonder if that really did happen or if it was a dream.

The way I was heading before was I planned to run away. I knew what I was going to become. I had the most horrific nightmare where I killed so many people and even drank their blood. It started out with rage and revenge because someone close to me was killed. But then it turned into a sick sadistic game of how much pain I could cause them and how much blood they would spill. And I drunk their blood as well and it wasn't enough. That nightmare scared me shitless for a week. I was ready to run away.

I wanted to live away from society in humans. I wanted to rot as an outcast and die alone so that way I'd never hurt anyone. I knew that eventually someone would push me too far and I'd snap.

Over the law few years I've had hints of insanity.

The most recent one was a few months ago. I was so fucking stressed and depressed at this point and after I received a job. All my dad could do was criticize and tell me how I couldn't get the job. He just kept repeating how he wouldn't let me take the job that I earned. Over and over again. I said.

"I FUCKING GET IT I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAYING. DO YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S LIKE A FUCKING DRILL IN MY HEAD" And out of nowhere I started punching the shit out of my skull. I almost knocked myself out and my dad was horrified. And I sort of forgot what I did and just had a big headache and felt a little confused and scared.

But I felt like that wasn't even me. I'd never do that. So what was that. What was that thing that almost hurt my sister and what was that feeling that was punching at myself.

What was it. What are those instances of insanity.

Is it my true nature being revealed?

What really changed me. Well haven't changed since the punching myself incident. But before after the nightmare what stopped me from running away was a vacation and seeing my dad's family and being around people who weren't related to me by blood but cared about me and my sister and went out of their way to make us feel welcome. And the beauty of the island and the adventure of exploring it alone.

Living.

But so much has changed then. While I got through high school this has been one of the worst and best summers over my life. I knew this year would bring hell. But never thought it would be this bad.

It's just too much. I really feel like my head is going to explode right now. Somehow I was able to have self confidence tonight and I was social and made some friends. But those connections are exactly what i want to destroy. The closer someone gets to me the closer they are to being hurt. And I hate that about myself but I can't stop it. I do it without knowing it. It's only when they walk away when I realize what has happened and how it's my fault and I cry about it and beat myself up over it.

Well tonight I called this magellan whatever. I called 2 days ago and they reffered me to a counselor and I called him today and I left him a message.

I tried to call my ex first but he wasn't awake. Then another friend but he wasn't awake.

So I called Magellan again and talked to a woman. She was nice and helped a little. But I HAVE TO SOLVE THIS TONIGHT. I work tommorow. I am already fucked for work as it is. I need to at least solve this so I can sleep. Since I'm a fucking coward who doesn't wanna sleep with stress and worries on my mind because they create nightmares.

Well now that I've scared everyone away I can admit this part.

After I was done talking with the woman I cried some more because I felt so bad about myself and hated the way I am and still do. That sadness turned to anger. And I clenced my fist and just cursed to myself about how stupid I am. I then held my other hand and remembered how it was the same hand that I almost hurt my sister real bad with. And the same thing I did to my sister I instantly did to myself. Instantly my hand rushed to my throat and clenched it hard. It kept squeezing my throat tighter and I couldn't breathe and felt like I was about to pass out. I couldn't control it. I was scared like hell but it was my own hand that was doing it. I could feel it squeezing tighter and tighter. And then I felt like it was about to just crush my throat to death. I felt the pain rush to my head because I have a headache now and that weakened my hand momentarily and I got it away from my throat and panted like hell and cried because I realized that my hand almost choked myself. But why couldn't I stop it. It was my own hand. Was I purposely trying to do it. My hand had such power when it was doing it but I felt so weak.

What the hell is going on with me. To make things worse after that and after I breathed and cried some. I clenched my hand into a fist and without any control I started punching my head again and my chest. My chest and head both hurt more now. My hand was beating up myself literally. Or was I. This isn't me. I would never try to choke myself or beat myself up physically. Then what is this. What is this in me that is doing this. What is this side of me that is so scared and lonely and this side of me that is so angry and destructive. I feel like it's two different sides. Or maybe it's just my true nature. Maybe I am just some psychopath who needs to be locked away.

Maybe I deserve to be raped or killed in prison. I don't know. I have often wished for death at times. But I could never bring myself to do it. I could never think about putting a gun to my head or a knife to my chest. But I wouldn't stop someone if they wanted to kill me. I'd welcome it.

What am I saying..

I don't know what to think of myself anymore. I don't even want to look in the mirror because I am sick, sad, scared, and insane.

I figured that because I was doing so well before that any urge to hurt others physically or cause harm was gone.

But I guess the beating up myself mentally was a bad sign. Maybe I can't ever win.

No

I do know one thing is for sure. It is not in MY CHARACTER to hurt others. I'd rather take a beating, take a bullet, or take damage then to cause damage to someone else. I guess that makes me a bit self destructive. But at least I won't hurt others. I don't care if I am hurt. I'd rather hurt every second then to have others hurt. I just want others to be happy. I think I gave up on being happy along time ago.

No. In truth I do want to be happy. I do want to love someone. I do want to be loved and give love. I do want friends. I do want people I care about and to care about others.

But I know that I don't deserve. I know that I can't have it. I know that it's best that I don't have these things.

I wonder if part of these mental issues I have is because of my biological dad. I wonder if maybe I will die early like he died. If he even died. I wonder if he was a troubled man too. I wonder if I am going through the same thing he did. I wonder how he ever met a woman and planted his seed in a woman to birth me. I always told myself if my dad can find someone then so can I. But I don't think that's true anymore.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I am not angry at myself anymore. I am just disappointed in myself and sad. Sad that I couldn't stop myself from hurting myself mentally and physically. Sad that I had to go and let the whole world know how fucked up I am. And sad that I feel this way.

Shit my head hurts worse now. Fuck work is gonna be such hell tomorrow.

Well okay. So now JUB knows that I am a sick fuck who almost hurt my sister, hurt myself, hurts others, and who could very well become a criminal one day.

Now go ahead and report me to the police if you want. Like I said I deserve to be raped or killed in jail. In some ways I'd rather have that to make sure I never do harm to anyone in the future. But I really don't believe it is in me to hurt others. Well its not like I randomly did it to my sister. She sort of antagonized me when I was in a very vulnerable state and I gave her many chances and pleaded her to leave me alone but she diddn't. Still doesn't give me a right to almost do what I did to her.

Well I don't think I will ever kill myself. I'm not suicidal. But I am self destructive and hard on myself. That much is true.

Because I know what I could be and am upset with myself for not reaching my full potential yet.

But whatever. I really want to talk to that therapist. Maybe I can see him after work tomorrow.

Fuck. I feel like I am gonna pass out from this stupid headache. Oh well that's one way I can get to sleep. Yeah how sad is it that I can only sleep when pain becomes too much for me.

Well don't worry. I'm done talking about how fucked I up I am. And I'm sure you're already sick of it. I know I am.

So say what you want to say. I forgot what I was really asking for. In some way it is help. But right now i don't see how anyone can help me.

I should go take a Tylenol. God tomorrow is going to be such hell. Today I mean. But whatever I'll finally shut up.

Starting now.

 

[igamenir]

I don't think anyone there really can help you.

But you surely should try to find help with your closest. From the text, i gather two friends know about your states, but you should probably talk more with your family and let them know what you are like, because they are the people that are closest to you and are probably always nearby, and they could probably help you a bit, by being with you and talking to you and smoothing you.

Coz it doesnt look like you are so psycho. Even when you wrote all that probably in "one breath", you still didnt make any mistake (that i would notice) and you take the time to choose proper thread icon. So you can really good control yourself, but only sometimes it's too much to control sucessfully, but people around you could help you with that.

And don't worry about the sister, it's not really your fault, as it is fault of your mental problems (dont want to say illness..). if you talked to hear, it may be better

What really makes me worry is your sureness you are not suicidal.. you told that about the violent part of your mind, and you hurt yourself anyway. And self-hurting is the usual way to suicide. So make sure you wont go that part.

 

[gdude30]

Why am I not surprised.

Yeah but like I said. I just don't want them worrying about me which they will if they ever find this stuff out.

Well that is part of the problem. I always have to have control. The only time I am not in control is when I am asleep. But because I'm apparently a control freak like you said it gets to be too much sometimes and I lose control. I'd rather not bother people around me. Only if they want to be bothered I guess. Part of the reason why I hesitated posting this was because know people will think of me differently. I don't believe in reaching out to others. Because you fall down. That's why I think it's better to keep things to myself.

Or maybe I haven't met the right people yet.

Yeah so it's pretty clear I have some mental illnesses. And if some of those are genetic or not is what I really want to know. Or maybe if none of them are inherited and they really are my fault.

She used to be mean as hell to me when I was younger and when I got older it got to be so bad that I was just sick of it and stopped talking to her or even acknowledging her. I did not shun her I just did not treat her like a human being. I treated her like a a generic person who you don't know. Not mean or nice. Not anything.

Hmm so more proof that I don't think too highly of people which comes back to me being a crappy person.

It's just not in me to be suicidal. Just like it's not in me to hurt others. I mean the only time i hurt someone is like a reflex. Like if they punch me or tap me in a certain place and I just kick them or my arm swings back at them instantly. That's just a reflex. I can't do shit about that.

The thing is I can live in my little pool of misery for eternity. And I know it sounds stupid to live in misery. But I believe that in this pool of misery I can find some answers and find a way to not ever have to go back to it again. That's why I always linger on the past and always reflect. That's why I intentionally ignore the saying like "A man should never look back" or something like that. I don't believe in running away from problems. Even though I am a bit of a coward I know that if I can solve my problems and find the answers. Then I won't have to go through this anymore. And that is worth lingering.

I have to admit.

Last night scared the shit out of me.

I've been told I am self destructive because I criticize myself and think badly of myself. But I never knew that it could grow into me physically hurting myself.

Luckily because of stupid pride I could never cut, shoot, or stab myself. Basically couldn't cut my wrist or commit suicide. Because I think suicide is stupid. Same as cutting. And that's why I don't drink or smoke either. Because I think it's a pointless way to cope with things. But I understand people who just like the taste of it or just smoke every once in a while. But I don't think it's for me.

Because I believe those things are overrated I will never do that.

Only I can come up with something like choking myself -_-

But I'll stop talking about that.

Like I said. I can live depressed and lonely all my life. I'll cry and I'll be sad and I won't be happy. But I'll keep on living for some unknown reason. It just isn't in me to take my life. That's for someone else whom I don't know.

Maybe that's what I am really looking for. Not a lover, not a father, not a friend, but someone to take my life.

Who knows what I'm looking for.

Thanks for replying btw. This morning I kept looking for a way to delete this but I guess I can't. I wish I never posted it but I guess what's done is done.

The therapist I might meet with called me at work today and left me a message. I called him back just recently and he wasn't there. I left a message of possible meeting tommorow around 5 or 6 when I am off work and that I would greatly appreciate if he could make room for me"

I'm sure there are plenty of other people who need it more then me and they should get it. But that doesn't deny the fact that I do need it. And I'd like to meet as soon as possible and I'll try. But I won't get upset if it takes longer. I'll just have to do my best to keep my head above the ground.

For just a little longer. But not much longer.

Damn I need to shut up.

 

[justsimon]

Go to a therapist. They're not as intimidating as you might think.

 

[nh-wordsmith]

We all have some darkness within us. But every day that we live and act we keep that darkness away. Although it might not seem like it now, you do have the power to light that darkness and move ahead. More people than you might think have seen that darkness and survived.

Find a therapist. Find someone to talk to. If you have trouble paying, don't be afraid to involve your parents if you have to. Your health is the most important thing.

You aren't alone. You aren't crazy. You seem keyed-up and unhappy, but that's certainly not unusual. As I said, many of us have been there.

 

[sabot3ur]

asking for people's help and advice is not pointless.

doing so and then dismissing suicide and cutting as "stupid," and bitching about people's various responses is though.. I don't think you're crazy in the slightest. everyone lashes out at siblings and has moments of rage sometimes, you'll feel better soon.

 

[gdude30]

Thanks Jav. That strangely makes sense. It is easy to look around and see everything and everyone as okay. It amazes me what really goes on in some people's mind's. When they always look cool, calm, collective, and happy. I guess it just happens sometimes.

That don't expect the moon. Reminds me of a saying about howling at the moon or something. I forgot what it was though. Oh well probably no relevance.

nh wordsmith. I really listened to those words last night.

And to think about it in the last few months. Well since senior year. I completely forgot about the dark inside me and forgot about finding a way to get rid of it. So it really just came up that one night because I was thinking too much. Thinking for me is way too dangerous.

You are right because up til now that's exactly what I did. This insecurity and low confidence just got me down so much it brought up old memories.

I'm sure some others have been even more in the dark and come out of it.

Thanks nh

I know you can't comet. The only people who can really help an individual are people who are similar to the individual. And I only know 2 people like that.

But therapists are the exception I guess.

Well sorry but I can't get someone frequently. I have lived like this for years anyways. I can wait once a week for sessions. I AM LIEK A STONE.

I am gonna email the therapist this post and some more tonight. God knows what he'll think of it. He sounds like a nice guy. i talked to him while i was out getting stuff for work. He still seems to be a shark about his price though but I can overlook that. I am interested to see if he can help. If not oh well.

But it's not fair to burden others.

Like I've already done here.

"LIEK WTF GOD DEWD YOU TOTALLY NEED TO BE INSTITUTIONALIZED AND GET SOME HELP. No one else can help you"

My last blog post wasn't exactly pointless. I was right about no one being able to help me. But the therapist probably can.

Or maybe I can try to do it on my own again for a few more years and just deal with a few break downs. That's the only real side affect.

Eh I'll try the therapist. Not as expensive as I thought too. 65 instead of 120 because I have low income. Still sucks I gotta wait til wednesday but eh.

Not much I can do about that.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Gdude,

I've been reading your posts and threads for a while now... and I'm really glad that you posted and opened up. I know that took a lot of courage... and thats something you should be proud of.

I can see so many positives in the way you write, the way you think and the way others talk and feel about you. I can see the little things that make you strong and that convince me that you're a good guy, a guy who just needs some direction... and someone to teach them how to trust. To trust himself... and others.

But I'm not going to patronize you. Nor am I going to tell you those things even though they are true. Because right now you cant hear them or beleive them. In fact someone pointing out your good points and your value and worth would most likely hurt you and embarrass you. It would probably make you feel worse.

How do I know that? Because I was you.

Compliments used to leave me on the verge of tears. I would try to figure out what people wanted, and I wondered how the hell anyone could see the good in me. I couldnt... how could they? I would over think and over annalyse everything. I was shy and hated any sort of attention being drawn to me.

Gdude, I get you. I suffered through some major issues as a child, things that no child should suffer... and I did so alone. Like you it made me feel like the only person I could trust, beleive in, even though I didnt like me... was me.

And so it creates this paradox where the opinions of others are very important, and yet mean nothing. That even though you dont think a lot of yourself, you rely only on yourself.

Gdude... the first thing you have to do is try to trust. Trust and beleive. Slowly, piece by piece. You cant do this in huge steps... you've had years of learning how to be who you are... now you have to unlearn those negatives.

Let me tell you, no one is all bad. No one can be as bad or evil or hopeless as you make yourself out to be. I know that you beleive it... but you also have something on your side to help you see it different. My guess is that you are incredibly strong willed and minded... and that you see very black and white... and that you are very very logical.

So ask yourself. How can I be so bad? Am I really? Is it possible that anyone can be so wrong??? And you know mate, the answer is no. No you arent. No, you cant be. Because you are not.

Use logic to start to turn your thinking, use the thing thats been hurting you to undo it. Every time you think something negative, like why does someone think a lot of me... stop. And ask yourself... well why shoudnt they? How have I hurt this person to make them want to think badly of me? And of course you havent so they wont. Challenge every thought with the opposing side...

Because right now its only you who is focused on the negative. And yes mate, we all have negatives, no one is perfect... and we all have the potential to hurt others... and to be hurt too. But you have to challenge yourself to understand that if you have negatives, you all also have positives. Its impossible that you dont. But you have to let yourself belive that.

And thats the hardest part... and the part about trust.

Trust that its ok to think that you are a good person. Thats not ego or being big headed... thats reality. Thats who you are. Perfect...hell no. Who is. But do you have good in you, good traits and values... shit yes.

And then trust that there are people out there who do care. Who do want to see you happy. Who do see the things that you are struggling to see right now... because they are real. These people don want anything, nor do they have to say these things to you. What possible benefit can someone get from being nice to you or complimenting you? Use your logic Gdude. Theres nothing in it for them... unless they mean it.

Mate. None of this will be easy. I know. And it will take time to learn. But its true... you are worth this fight, you are a good guy and your life is worth fighting for and figuring out.

I beleive that you can do this. I beleive that you have the strength and the courage to do this. I beleive you have the strong will and strong mindedness to undo what you taught yourself... because you taught yourself.

Go to the councilor... it will take some time for sure. But make sure you challenge yourself too. Ask yourself why you think the way you do... and then ask yourself... why shouldnt you be happy? Why should I let this drag me down for one more day when you have the power to start to fix it? And your logic will kick in and slowly you'll see just how you've let too many others control what you think of you.

Its time for you to beleive in yourself... because the rest of us already do.

And we'll be here if you need us.

 

[jockboy01]

I don't know what people see in me. They see a me that doesn't exist yet.

I think that you does exist. You just don't see it in yourself right now. I've been there. I would agree with the therapist idea (I should practice what I preach I know as well). I think it would help a lot.

Ultimately, I think you need to not be so hard on yourself. Learn to love yourself... all of you. That includes the things that AREN'T perfect. Because I hate to break it to you, but we'll never be perfect. Learning to accept that is important. And learning to love you for you is important too. It sounds like there are a lot of people around you that love you for you but I know that it doesn't matter if you don't love yourself.

And stop thinking you have to solve this TONIGHT. Self discovery is a VERY long process... lifelong in fact. Take it one day at a time and enjoy the ride.