Breaking up over getting in shape?

[G-Lexington]

>>>Yea, your friend sounds very selfish... no offense.

I don't know about "selfish". Somewhat shallow, perhaps, although one would be more apt to use that term if he were becoming LESS in shape. To me, his real problem is that he apparently would rather break up than address this issue head-on. Because if his boyfriend still thinks he'll love him ripped, he obviously hasn't really confronted him about it except in the most casual way. And to me, that means he either has issues with interpersonal relationships, or enjoys drama. Maybe both.

Either way, I'd say he may as well break up with him now. I have a feeling it'll be his boyfriend who gets into a better relationship.

Lex

 

[bankside]

i think your partners body is a big deal. your partners body is not the only, but a very important reason why we get together in the first place.

if i was attracted to muscles, then id be very bothered if my bodybuilder bf would suddenly become chubby after a couple of months. if i was attracted to bears, id be very irked if my bear bf would one day decide to shave from top to toe. and your friend seems to be attracted to "beanpoles" and turned off by muscles, so its a big deal for him if his bf decides to change his body like that.

If my guy said "I hate my penis. I want to get rid of it, and I also want fake plastic boobies implanted in my chest" then I'd get what you're talking about. But basic fitness should never be a dealbreaker. It would imply not a lack of compatibility or someone changing the parameters after a relationship is on solid ground, but actually someone really shallow to turn away from an ordinary interest in self improvement, health and fitness. The best "bear" relationships are the ones where the guys can shave each other once every 5 years just for shits and giggles. The best "muscle/twink" relationships are the once where people enjoy their differences but don't become disgusted at the thought of each other if either person deviates from a predetermined ideal.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Maybe it's just me, but I would think any rational person who has been told several times that the person they're with doesn't like what they're doing, even in passing, or jokingly, would make the person stop and think. It's not like they're both kids, these are both 40yo men we're talking about.

Well, I can't speak for your friends here, but my partner and I joke about nearly everything. That's just the way we are. But if something's bothering us, we do more than make a quick joke about it and hope the other picks up on the subtext...and then decide that it's proof positive that the other doesn't care if he doesn't. If the boyfriend was saying "I don't care what you think - this is what I want to do", or even "You keep saying you don't find it attractive, but I don't believe you"...then yeah, the point has been made, and he's rejected it. The fact that he still thinks your friend is going to find it hot shows that the point hasn't been made. And to chalk it up to the boyfriend refusing to read between the lines rather than your friend not sitting down and telling him the problem seems like a major shift of blame to me.

Lex

 

[shainski]

>>> It's not like they're both kids, these are both 40yo men we're talking about....If the boyfriend was saying "I don't care what you think - this is what I want to do", or even "You keep saying you don't find it attractive, but I don't believe you"...then yeah, the point has been made, and he's rejected it. The fact that he still thinks your friend is going to find it hot shows that the point hasn't been made. And to chalk it up to the boyfriend refusing to read between the lines rather than your friend not sitting down and telling him the problem seems like a major shift of blame to me.

Lex

While i kind of agree with you Lex, i missed the part of these being in their 40s. Then there might be another dynamic going on. The whole "midlife" reevaluation thing. I have seen many 40ish people decide that they are going to try to do things that they hadn't yet done (becuase it might be the last time to get to do it. because they finally have time to devote to it. because they are finally financially able to do it.). Whatever the reason. I have seen marriages break up because someone decides to get in shape - throw out their entire wardrobe and reinvent themselves.

Sometimes the partner is wondering if he/she is having an affair. Sometimes they just wish their partner would be the same.

But we get one chance at this life. If you decide at 40, that you finally want to train for a 5k (or a marathon). If you decide that if you don't do it now, you won't ever do it. I would say - talk to your partner - but do it.

If you loved big fat guys, but your partner decided to walk 5 miles to subway everyday ("Jared"), so that he finally gets himself into shape - is it fair for his partner to demand that he should stay fat because that was how i love you?

Now, if it were something to the detriment of you both, i would have a different answer. If you were to mortgage the house to buy a ferrari - or decide that it was your last chance to try cocaine or go on a wild unprotected sex rampage - then yeah - you need work that out with your partner or break up.

 

[texan_slant]

If i was with someone, I'd try my darnest to stay healthy and take care of myself, and want to look good for the one I love.

My view on it, let's take this for a generic example...Say you had a lil pot belly, and met someone who thought that little pot belly was the cutest thing ever and thought that's part of you that makes him love you so much. Then after several months you decide you've got to lose that belly even if your bf tells you he loves it, and loves you the way you are. So you lose that belly, get a six pack because you want to look good for the one you love, yet your bf has told you that you were perfect before, that he loved that little belly that's now gone, and that the six pack completely turns him off. What then?

OK, I know that I'm gonna get tomatoes thrown at me for this, but here goes...

I dunno about your friends, but let's - again - talk generically here if I, myself, was in this situation.

If I had a pot belly, and my boyfriend loves me "the way I am", then I'm going to think that he loves me the "way I am." (with NO stipulation).

So, if I went to lose that lil' ol' pot belly (since I would *definitely* do since I'm pretending to me here), I would check in with my boyfriend since it's a lifestyle change. If he was interested in doing the same - GREAT. If not, yet he supported me, GREAT; if no to all of the above, there is red flag #1.

Let's just say that there was a discussion in passing and everything seemed on the up-and-up, and now, it comes out that boyfriend says that he's turned off now, and doesn't want me anymore...

If I really loved my boyfriend, i would try to work it out;

Though, if my boyfriend suddenly told me that he wanted to break up with me, then I would say, "...so you loved the belly, and not ME for who I was, and am. Take it, or take a hike."

 

[bankside]

But what would happen to that bears relationship if one just ups and decides to lose 100 pounds and shave everything off? They might not still be together for long if that happened. Kinda the same thing that I'm talking about. Going from a 180 pound undefined beanpole to a 180 pound tall hard body with muscles seems just as drastic to me. But then again, if Alec Baldwin (just for example) decided to get back down to 170 or whatever he was at 25 and shaved off all his chest hair then I'd probably not think he was hot anymore either.

I'll probably talk to him again tomorrow if I have time, so for now, nighty night all.

My guy has had good haircuts and bad haircuts. Some of them I have to say I think suit him a lot better and I like them. You can never quite tell what the scissors are going to do though, and people like to try different things. When we have to worry about real things like "what if he gets diabetes and loses a leg to complications" or something like that, a haircut or shaving his body or working out shouldn't even really register.

Honestly, I think if it is potentially an issue whether someone works out or shaves, then that itself is the issue undermining the relationship. Absolutely no perspective.

Anyway...

 

[palemale]

We are attracted to other people first and foremost by their appearance, because that is what we see and instantly know about the other person. One hopes that, once a relationship begins, it moves beyond the superficiality of appearance. Appearance, of course, gives many cues about the person, many of them evolutionary. For example, men are attracted to blonds instinctually because it conveys youth, and young women tend to be in better health and are more fertile than older women. Hence, a better chance of passing on the genes.

Thus, appearance, and maintenance of one's appearance is important. However, it seems to me, that if someone is improving their appearance, it is likely that they are also improving their health.

In any event, if your friend is so bothered by his bf's attempts to improve his health and appearance, the relationship is on very shaky ground. They ought to end it. I am not a believer in the school of thought that says people have to work at relationships. If you have to work at it, why have it? Good relationships work because the couples have compatible personalities and are not selfish. It's unimaginable to me that a selfish person could ever have a good relationship. The best they could hope for is a partner who tolerates them.

 

[altlover85]

I am not a believer in the school of thought that says people have to work at relationships. If you have to work at it, why have it?

I guess it depends on how you define "work". There are a lot of people (myself included, at times) who don't have strong communication skills and should improve them if they want to have a fully functioning relationship. If you can't learn to sit down and have talks about the issues that may arise (and more than likely there will be at least one issue to arise during the course of a relationship) then you need to work on that.

If one of you wants to retire at 65, but the other one will be 55 and still need to work another 10 years, you need to figure out how to make that work. It's not all going to be a cakewalk.

I think these two should probably end it. It's probably too soon into the relationship for big changes and they aren't communicating well as it is.

 

[Harker]

Changing your body can be extremely powerful - many people get over-enthusiastic about their new passion once they lose weight, get in shape, add muscle, add tattoos and piercings, etc. The one-track mind thing may wear off after a bit.

Beyond that... welcome to relationships! You won't always have compatible goals, just work around it. And better have a guy trying to get into better shape than gaining 100 pounds.

This.

I'm experiencing a small version of this now. I've always struggled with weight, and after being partnered for a few years, I gained back more than I wanted, and it was making me not unhappy, but less happy than I could be. So I've decided to do something about it. And the partner's not on board. I'm certainly not in his face about it, but when I have to do my exercises at night he'll sometimes get irritated and complain that I'm not spending the time outside of work with him..

So, we've been talking. And trying to live with our different-tiered goals.