Breaking up with the BF

[ChrisH94]

Hi all,
I'd like some advice. I'm planning to break up with my boyfriend but don't know how to go about it, I've never ended a relationship myself before, but I've been dumped over text, phone, in-person, facebook etc.
Bit of background: I'm breaking up with him because I feel like this relationship is one-sided, with me doing all the work, and him thinking only of himself. He regularly cancels our dates, or sleeps through times we were meant to meet up, and the sex is mediocre at best (not a huge reason, but one nonetheless). We've been together six months, and I tried to break up with him a couple of weeks ago, but I took him back as soon as I saw him get upset, and he promised to change, but he's just got worse really.
And that's my problem: I don't think I can go through with it if I see even one tear on his face because I still care about him a lot, but the relationship itself is crumbling and dysfunctional. However, text and Facebook is a cowardly way to do it, but my riends are trying to convince me to go on that route.
What would you guys suggest?

 

[ronboy]

For both of you, it has to be face to face.
It's not comfortable, and it will not be easy.

You owe it to him to be direct and honest. Tell him what you said in your post. You feel that it's one-sided, you're doing all the work, he's not thinking of you, he's cancelling out dates, you don't feel intimacy with him.

And he owes it to you to respond to those claims. If he gives lame answers or refuses to talk about it, then you have your justification.

You say you care about him, so there is no avoiding the emotions. Better for yourself to cry and be liberated.

Facebook is not the way to go. A relationship has private elements to it. Facebook is too public, and permanent.

Good Luck...

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Talk to him in person. Facebook is rubbish.

 

[Shelby29]

Hi all,
I'd like some advice. I'm planning to break up with my boyfriend but don't know how to go about it, I've never ended a relationship myself before, but I've been dumped over text, phone, in-person, facebook etc.
Bit of background: I'm breaking up with him because I feel like this relationship is one-sided, with me doing all the work, and him thinking only of himself. He regularly cancels our dates, or sleeps through times we were meant to meet up, and the sex is mediocre at best (not a huge reason, but one nonetheless). We've been together six months, and I tried to break up with him a couple of weeks ago, but I took him back as soon as I saw him get upset, and he promised to change, but he's just got worse really.
And that's my problem: I don't think I can go through with it if I see even one tear on his face because I still care about him a lot, but the relationship itself is crumbling and dysfunctional. However, text and Facebook is a cowardly way to do it, but my riends are trying to convince me to go on that route.
What would you guys suggest?

Stand your ground, you're on the right road(for you) leaving this relationship. BUT in person is the ONLY way!

 

[jaysizzles]

Arrange to meet separately at some place you can leave from when you've said what needs to be said. No need to rehash the relationship and cite all his faults, just let him know that you've given this a lot of thought since you last broke up, that you are not happy and can see there's no future with him. Wish him well, hug if appropriate, and leave.

 

[KaraBulut]

One thing to reframe in your mind: from your post, you've set an expectation of, "If you change, we can stay together". You're now in a different place: "If you don't change, it's over".

If you've been clear on what behaviors need change and those behaviors aren't changing, it's time to stop with the second chances. If you haven't been clear, it's time to bluntly tell him, "You're not invested in this relationship. You don't keep dates. All of this means you don't make me a priority and you don't make our relationship a priority." Make it clear that the relationship will end the next time it happens.

Break up in person. Remind him that you told him that the relationship would end because he doesn't make your relationship a priority. Make it clear that you're doing what is best for both of you. When the tears start (and they will), say that you're sorry that he's hurting (but don't apologize for breaking up with him). Say that you made an effort to save the relationship and it just didn't work out.

If he lashes out in anger, walk away.

If he starts his attempts at emotional manipulation, say "Goodbye" and leave.

 

[mcbrion]

One thing is for sure, given your description of the dynamics of the relationship: it is NOT an equal dating experience. You're not getting your needs met. As my old psychologist once said, "When one person is operating Waaaaayyy up here, and the other person is operating waaaaayyyyy down here, the one operating at the higher level is going to eventually leave because they're not getting their needs met."
And that's exactly what you're experiencing, which you already know.

Breaking up is hard to do, but even worse - for you - would be to take the coward's way out. Texting?!? Facebook?????? That's for 14 year olds - or people whose emotional age is 14. If you want to be an adult, you give someone the news in person and learn to endure sadness, tears, and recriminations. And to stay firm and just say, "I know. I wanted this to make us both happy, but this just isn't working. We're not wanting the same things. And I can't bear hurting you further by staying in this. So, WE have to end this." Gentle, affirming what you wanted, and yet grounding it in the reality of it all, the subtext of which is: "By your actions, conscious or otherwise, we're not getting closer and I can't do it alone. So, it's best we stop trying to do it at all. And I'm sure I've contributed to it, too, so I'm sorry for my part." By the way, your part might be being overly solicitous, maybe even a little...co-dependent.?? I don't know just from reading someone's letter. But you're at a breaking point, so clearly, you've let something go on too long. Be generous when breaking up, so as to leave the other person with their dignity. If they choose to splatter that dignity all over the place with bile, venom or other destructive words, you just excuse yourself and say, "I'm truly sorry I hurt you." Again, subtext (you're telling yourself this in YOUR mind): "But I'm not giving you more chances to hurt me - and us - more."
Just be as kind as you can and don't resort to unkindness (that will haunt you later if you say hurtful things). But do it while looking into his eyes. IF YOU ARE AN ADULT.

 

[sixthson]

You've only been together six months. Don't ever expect better than the honeymoon period.

 

[novo174]

Just like most people posted, it's better to do it in person. I've been broken up twice on phone. One was long distance. Looking back, I appreciated the one of my exes who broke up in person. It was more mutual though.

 

[mcbrion]

The friends who are telling you to use Facebook or text messaging are dead wrong: that is the MOST cowardly way to do it. Think of it as this: "This is how much I think of a human being I was once crazy about: I can just type some letters on a keyboard and POOF! that's all I have to do." If that's the path you choose, it will take a long time to mature into full adulthood. You'll always take the 'easy way out.' Can't meet Mr. Wonderful and hold his attention if this is how you treat others. Don't listen to your friends, and, in fact, politely decline their relationship advice from now on.