Broke up with BF

[ariesstar89]

So I haven't posted on the forums in ages, but I really need a place to pour my thoughts and emotions about a topic like this. Please bare with me, I'll probably being jumping around.

So the past four months I've been in a relationship with this guy. To put it simply, it was probably the best months of my life. It was my first time ever dating a guy, and having recently come out of the closet (to myself), it felt so right. I was extremely slow in letting my guard up with him - I've been burned so bad in the past in relationships whenever I have - and I wasn't going to make this relationship an exception. We took things really slow, just doing things bout once a week and really taking our time getting to know each other. By two months in, I had finally let up my guard, and started to really open up to him. Our relationship grew stronger and I felt like I could be myself 100%. We clicked on so many things: we're both extremely into sports, share the same humor, watch the same t.v. shows. I really felt that things could be special between us. When the new year rolled in, I felt myself seriously falling for this man, and could honestly see myself in a long relationship. I knew he had just come out of a marriage months before we started dating, and I was willing to be patient for him, and wait on him to feel the same. One night I even confessed to him that I was starting to fall in love with him, and I didn't expect him to feel the same way. He told me he was scared to fall in love again, and didn't expect to feel these feelings so soon. During the past 2 months, he would spend the weekends with me, staying at my place and we'd be around each other constantly.

One night, bout 6 weeks ago, we had a serious discussion about us. He told me that he didn't want me to be in this relationship if I wasn't 100% happy. I told him that I didn't think I could be any happier with him, and that I ache for him when he isn't around. He told me that he didn't know if he could see himself falling in love for awhile, but told me to be patient with him if I wanted to. I told him that I wanted him, and that I wanted to be with him, and even if you're not on the same level as me right now, I'm willing to be patient. We then kissed and he told me, that that's all he needed to hear.

So this past week, we talked to each other like we always do, and carried on like we always had - playfully teasing, and telling each other how we missed each other. I didn't see anything bad lurking ahead, and I felt like nothing could go wrong...well.

Yesterday, he sent me a message before I woke up through AIM (he lives in a different city where he goes to school) saying that I'm such an amazing guy and that he wants things to continue, but as friends. He then went on to say he wasn't 100% happy, and that he didn't feel like things could carry on. Needless to say, I was devestated. Sure I knew he wasn't on the same level as me,but I didn't think he was unhappy with the relationship. I told him I wish I had known this ahead of time, and we could have talked things over, face-to-face. I then went on to say that I thought it was unfair that he just springs this on me, when he knew we wouldn't be able to see each other for about two weeks. He says he is really sorry about everything, and hopes I'm okay. He is serious about continuing to hang-out as friends, and also said that I shouldn't rule out the future, but for now...friends.

So all day yesterday, I cried and felt sick to my stomach. It'd be different if I had seen this coming, or felt a vibe that something was up, but it just seemed to literally come out of no where. We had hung out this past weekend, and I mean everything seemed hunky-doory, no problems. I just don't understand where this could have come from. I know he can't help how he feels, and sometimes things just don't click....but I would think that if things hadn't been going so well and we weren't getting along then things would have ended ages ago, before I felt so attached to him and before I fell in love with him. If feels like my world is crashing down around me, and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. I don't know if I can just be friends with him after all this. I told him I would give it a try, but in all honesty, I'm just going to be feeling so many emotions when we will hang out that I won't be able to enjoy the activity we are doing. Am I wrong for feeling this way?....Does it seem like I should have seen this coming?...What should I do; should I give the friendship a try at least, or should I just completely move on? I don't think I'll ever be able to move on from him. He was my first love (with a guy at least), and you know how love is hard to shed. It feels like I could have done more to make him happy, but only if I knew he was feeling these things. I just wish he would have told me his feelings before ending things completely, and I wish I had known this past weekend when he was around that things could possibly end...I would have certainly held and kissed him longer, but I don't think I'll ever get that chance again...In fact, I don't think I'll ever be able to come out of the closet now due to this.

I have so much love to give, and it seems like whenever I try to share it with another, I only get hurt.

 

[PabloZed]

I was in a situation scary close to what you describe except we only dated 3 months. He lived in a different town about 45 minutes away. We actually went to a concert for his birthday, he spent the weekend at my place and I made the mistake of telling him I was falling for him. The next weekend he had an excuse for not being able to get together and then I get a phone call saying he wants to break up. But unlike you, I felt there were problems so while I was upset I also understood it.

So I completely understand how you feel, as if the rug has been pulled from under you. And you do deserve a better answer, but you won't get it. Its just how men are and our shared experiences are typical for many others. And only time can heal a heartache.

The only thing I wonder is whether after more time and thought if you will find little things that may have suggested something was wrong.

 

[racer2438]

Sometimes when a relationship is just becoming to develope both side are on different levels.

So when one springs the I love you to soon, it scares the other one who my not be ready at all for those words. They may want to be going slower and not at your pace. It may come off to some not all as one who is desparate to find love.

You may have scared him with those words and he is pulling back fast as he does not know how to handle it.
Hence--> the text mssg.

So you may want to go and see him and talk with him and see if that may have been it. Dont come off as one who is angry, and dont turn on the water works. Try to just lay it all out.

If it does not work out then it was not ment to be. There will be another guy for you and you just have to move on.

I was not looking for love and found it just by accident. I was 18 and he was 24. But it was love at first site. And I mean love at first site.

We have been together for 24-1/2yrs now.


So love may find you when you least expect it. You may be hurt for a bit but just get thru it one day at a time and be strong.

The more you dwell on it, will just make you feel worst...


Best of luck...

 

[KaraBulut]

Am I wrong for feeling this way?....

No.

Does it seem like I should have seen this coming?...

Yes.

But if you would have seen it coming, would it have really changed anything?

What should I do; should I give the friendship a try at least, or should I just completely move on?

No.

If this were a mutual decision and he would have had the balls to talk to you face to face, a friendship might have been possible.

Friends don't breakup over MSN. At least not if they want to stay friends.

For now, put some space between the two of you and invest the time in your real friends who will be there to support you through this.

I don't think I'll ever be able to move on from him.

Sure you will. You won't forget, but you will find someone else and you will move on.

In fact, I don't think I'll ever be able to come out of the closet now due to this.

I have so much love to give, and it seems like whenever I try to share it with another, I only get hurt.

Listen, this is part of the deal. There are very few people who find forever with their first love.

This guy had just been through the end of a marriage. He just went through what you are going through- the painful end of a relationship. And instead of working through his feelings and getting to a point where he could love again, he got scared of getting hurt again and ended up hurting you.

He wasn't honest with you. He wasn't honest with himself.

So, you're at a crossroads.

You can mourn, lick you wounds, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find love again.

Or you can go back into the closet and become the guy that hurts other guys because he's afraid to love and afraid to get hurt again.

The best revenge is always being happy. And loving again. And you will.

 

[chillyboi]

ok pack up that lost luggage & sail back on the seas.theres plenty more cock out there!!!!!



because i failed to look i see you are Bi?
Good Luck !!!!

 

[pocono]

Aries,

I am so sorry....

I wish I had some sage advice, but I don't...just know we are there with you

 

[vamp]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know he meant a lot to you. I know it it cliche but "to love and lost is better than not to love at all." From talking to you, I know you're a great guy, you'll find someone else. If I were you, I would take some time for myself. Get your thoughts back together and mend your wounds. When you are ready, go out and find someone else. You deserve to be happy and I know that you'll find your happiness some day. It's not your fault that he broke up with you. He is still afraid and hurting from his past relationship. Was it a little fast to say the "L" word? Yes, but at least you were honest. I would jut take some time to regroup then move on and find someone else more deserving. If you need someone to talk to, I'll be on MSN. I'm here for you.

 

[hanzosword]

I have so much love to give, and it seems like whenever I try to share it with another, I only get hurt.

I feel the exact same way. I'm sorry you are going through this, but like they say it is better to have loved and lost... I don't think you should even try to be just friends with this guy because being in love is not something you can control and just turn off. It will never go away. Time is the only thing that can make you feel better.

There must be some other reason he dropped this bomb on you but still you should talk to him face to face one last time then stop seeing him. It will only make the pain last longer if you do.

 

[ariesstar89]

I appreciate all of yalls support, I do.

It just feels like everytime I start to feel close with somebody, the rug gets pulled out, and I'm just left wondering what I did. It never seems like I get my way in a relationship, much less how they end, and I know thats dating for ya, but why did this have to happen the one time I felt happiness in my life

 

[KaraBulut]

It just feels like everytime I start to feel close with somebody, the rug gets pulled out, and I'm just left wondering what I did. It never seems like I get my way in a relationship, much less how they end, and I know thats dating for ya, but why did this have to happen the one time I felt happiness in my life

The thing that you're missing is that with each of these failed relationships, you're getting clearer on what you want and closer to making a commitment to a guy.

I remember where you started just 6 months ago when you joined.

I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit for the progress that you have made in such a short time.

 

[NW007]

Perhaps this thread link from elsewhere on JUB speaks to your situation:

http://www.myministryofpleasure.com/2009/02/mr-irresponsible.html

 

[BINOWGAYLATER]

I'm sorry my friend Aries is hurting.. I'm sorry "the guy" did not have the balls to talk about this "relationship" face to face" I think that is most cowardly... and hurtful to my friend.. I like a lot of the helpful comments above - i think HUNTNEO is right on
there are better guys out there for you - and you will recover from this in time.... know that you have friends around you - who wish they could be there to hug you - and cook for you.. You are so much stronger that the "evil" in the world -- you have prooved that every day in your life to date.. This too shall pass.. and you will be better off .... Time heals.....
Hug you !!!

 

[ariesstar89]

I really appreciate all the support everyone, it means alot to me..

I've been doin really good this past week, and hopefully the worst is over. I know I will have to see him face to face, at least once, (he has stuff at my place that he needs to come get at some point or another), but I feel that when that happens, I'll be ok...again, thanks for all the support and advice

 

[ariesstar89]

So, I know that its been ages, but I thought instead of making another post, I'd just add onto this one...

So its been a lil over two months since things ended. I took alot of time away from the dating scene, and surrounded myself with people that want the best for me, (family, friends), and have slowly been able to let go completely of knowing that anything more will continue with him. The times were tough, but I was somehow able to make it out just fine, (like yall said, and I knew I would), and be able to stabilize my sanity, lol.

I've only seen him once since the break-up. We had small little chit-chats prior to this, trying to set up a time to meet and stuff. And I'm not goint lie when I say this, I did send many texts to him during some drunk nights sayin wild and crazy things. But anyways....We saw each other recently and needless to say, things were awkward. During our talks, I had told him (after I knew I had moved on and was okay) that I understand how things go, and though I think I could have made him happier, I'm not holding any regrets, and I only want to see the best of him, whether that be with me or not.

So getting back to this past visit, it was hard opening up the door, seeing him, and not hugging/kissing him upon doing so. But I maintained my cool. I treated him like I would any of my other friends, and we made the usual small talk, with the occasional, your looking good these days and oh this is new since last time I came stuff. But anyways, he collected his things and we hung out for about an hour watching tv and talking. When he left, we hugged and I could tell from his face he was trying not to cry...to be honest, I really don't have any idea why he was, cause I watched him walk to his car, and I saw him wipe them away. That's really the only thing I wonder about now, but maybe I'm wondering things that seem irrelevant, or pointless now.

As soon as he left, I went to my room, laid on the bed...and cried, which was the first time in ages i had done so. I didn't realize how much I had missed him and everything until I saw him. I didn't realize that I still had lingering feelings and apparently still am not over everything. I know, I know...it takes time. But I would have thought that by now I would be okay.....but i digress...

I guess in other news, things have been pretty normal now. The wreck certainly put things into perspective as to where my priorities and concerns lie. (Both are doing fine, btw). And in the meantime, I've started talking to this guy that lives in another city. So far, he seems great, and the conversations we've had have been easy, and not a single awkward moment at all. We have yet to actually hang out really, we've both always had something to come up, and both suffere from extremely bad luck lately..but we'll see how things go. I'm upset that all this had to happen here before summer, where I'd be going back home to a life where I'm straight and a good southern boy, but such is life...it can't always be fair

 

[unloadonme]

Hey Aries,

You don't stop loving people just like that and you will have lingering feelings for this guy. It's good that it's getting easier and you're starting to move on though. I hope the new squeeze works out for you.

How long are you going to keep up the straight act at home? Sooner or later, with any luck, you'll want to take the man you love home to meet your folks. You going to just surprise them?

 

[ariesstar89]

How long are you going to keep up the straight act at home? Sooner or later, with any luck, you'll want to take the man you love home to meet your folks. You going to just surprise them?

I've already thought about that too. This past weekend, my sister and her bf came home to visit since both are now out of the hospital, and the bf was able to meet my family once and for all, well besides me mom and dad. But anyways, I was sittin there while we were all hanging out with my other sister, her husband, a cousin, and my grandparents, and I was thinking to myself in silence, I hope I get to have this, I would really like if I find the right guy to be able to take him home and have him accepted by my parents without the whole turmoil ensue, ya know? My family is very conservative - in the South remember? - and so I'm not entirely sure how they'd react to something like that. I almost kinda feel certain my mom knows for sure, but just doesnt say anything. My sister says she gets that vibe from her too, so who knows. One day it'll happen. I was actually planning on comin out to my mom a couple of months ago, but given the whole break-up stuff, I didnt want to go through another emotional hell if she didnt accept it and stuff, ya know? But anyways, life goes on...I know I will soon. I've come out to more of my friends and so far all are very accepting and support me, just waiting to tell some certain friends that mean the most to me, for fear of loosing them.

 

[ariesstar89]

So I thought I'd add onto this thread instead of starting another, I can't believe all the things going on, but here we go

Exam week has been extremely hectic, but I've been able to keep my cool, make a study schedule, and have so far done well on the exams I've taken. Only have a couple more left until I'm home for the summer, and can finally take a long deserved break not only away from school, but from this city, and the little things that remind me of days past. I sit here and begin another study session when I get a text from the ex. We had been talking some lately, alot more than we usually have, and his texts asks if I'd be available to hang out for awhile, he was coming into town to visit friends, and wanted to meet up. I was skeptical at first, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and said sure.

About 2 hours later he comes in, and we hang out. It wasn't nearly as awkward as the first post-break-up hang out, but I still felt a little uneasy. The conversation was more natural, and we were getting along like we had always been able to (minus the whole bf stuff), so I felt pretty good as time went by, feeling that I just might be able to hold out a friendship for him, and be able to give this road a rundown. We went to eat, and eventually he left to go meet with other friends. He dropped me off at my place, said good-bye, and I told him I guess I wouldn't be able to see him until August when I get back here for school.

As I walked back into my room, I walked slow to make sure he left, when I saw that he was gone completely, I turned around and went to my truck and got in to drive. I take drives alot, mostly just to get out of the house, but often times a moment to give me some peace, and let me collect some thoughts. I drove to a lake nearby, went down a dirt road and turned off the engine. I lit up a cigarette, climbed in the back of my truck, and sat there watching the water move gracefully across the lake.

I don't think I'm going to be able to be friends with him. Period. I've given it a try, I honestly have. I've tried to put on an act and believe that everything was okay, and act like things were fine, even good enough to fool myself. But once he left, and I took that drive, I realized I'm not going to be able to stay friends with him. Its too hard. Not just the whole "greeting each other with a kiss" but little things. For instance, while he was driving to go get some food, it was hard for me to know that he wasn't going to hold my hand as we rode, or that I wouldn't be able to place my hand on his leg. I've pretty much made-up my mind. I can't go through with it. Oh I desperately want to be friends with him, I really do. But I still have feelings for him, and as much as I've tried to let them go, be it with time or by trying to break off connections, he continues to pop into my life. I can't do it, I can't. I even can't begin to go into detail just how much its going to hurt me to have to let him go from my life, in fact, I'm crying a little bit writing this out. But I have to, its the only way I'm going to be able to completely let go of that chapter of my life, and be able to move on, and love the boyfriend I have now. I can't do it, I wish I was strong enough, but I'm not. I'm so mad at myself...but I know what I have to do