broken promises

[Manuel13]

Hi everyone,

I don't mean to come here and just unload all my problems on you guys, but I feel like my heart has been smashed and I don't know where to go. I was in a long distance relationship with another guy (my first boyfriend) for a few months. We talked for a few months before meeting and becoming boyfriends... and I came to care for him very deeply. I always felt that he was so raw and vulnerable with me... and I told him that. That's what made me love him... just seeing him being vulnerable, and being able to have that with him as well. I gave him my complete trust.

At some points in our relationship he would be going through something and begin to cut off our communication. He would usually say that he was going through a hard time and needed some space, and I would always give it to him. The last time that this happened, I got so frustrated with him. I was tired of being worried about him, not hearing from him... wanting to just hear his voice. I just couldn't understand his frame of mind... I could only accept things as they were.

When this happened, he called me one night and broke up with me. I cried. He was kind though and he told me that he had meant everything he had ever said about how he feels about me, that he still loves me, etc. While this was a "break up", it was established that we still wanted to be together eventually, and that we would be exclusive to one another in the meantime. He promised he would save himself for me, and I promised to wait for him too.

I felt that I was giving him the space to work out his issues... to do the things he needed to do to be in a place where he was happy with his life. He had indicated that he wasn't happy with a few things in his life... especially career and spiritual things. I would support him and we would continue to be friends in the meantime.

Just a week ago... last Thursday... I spoke to him on the phone when I was feeling down and he told me that nothing had changed between us, that he still loves me, that we were still going to be together, that he wants to see me. I felt so relieved to hear him affirm everything my heart told me, and I told him that I still love him and I trust him. On Sunday... only three days later... he untagged/deleted all of our photos together on Facebook, and de-friended/blocked me. The next day, a mutual friend let me use his account to look at his fb page and it said that he was in a relationship with another guy.

I was stunned. All of these little "signs" that I had observed throughout the course of our relationship came into a different kind of focus. I felt like a fool. I called him that night, but of course, he did not answer. I left him a voicemail where I told him that I knew about his new boyfriend and that I could not understand why he would lead me on this like this, or give me any explanation. I told him if he wanted to call me to have some resolution he was welcome to do so, and I said goodbye. That's the last contact we've had with each other.

Everything about this is so wrong. What kind of person lies like this? I don't believe that over the course of 3 fucking days his feelings completely changed and this happened. He lied to me... and this probably wasn't the first time. When did the lies begin? How far do they go? Was anything between us real? How could he use me that way? He was my first boyfriend. I gave him my first kiss. I was vulnerable for him. I trusted him. How can I ever trust anyone again? I feel ruined.

I don't know how to move on from this. I don't know if I have the kind of closure that I need. I just... I wish that he would call me... that he would give me some explanation and apologize to me so that I could forgive him and move on with my life. I want so badly to hate him but I just don't know how to do that. Part of my sick mind wishes he would come crawling back to me on his knees one day begging forgiveness and I could slowly let him earn my trust back. But that's stupid.

What makes people tell these kinds of lies? I was a good boyfriend to him; How can I ever be that to anyone else if I'm not able to trust anymore? How do I move on from this without letting him win and crush my ideals?

I appreciate any advice/consolation anyone can offer.

 

[HunterM]

He is a total douchebag for not facing you for the final breakup. He's a coward! I know you want to talk to him to find closure. Forget him. Can't force him to talk to you if he does not want to (although you tried -- good effort).

Here's what you should do: you need to find closure on your own. How? Allow yourself to "grief" for a week. Learn how to manage it. Cut all contacts with him. Then move on by meeting other people and live your own life without him.

He is your first boyfriend, and this is your first breakup. Trust me, you will experience more of this in your life time.

The best revenge is to live your life happily without him. You deserve so much better!

Good luck!

 

[altlover85]

First off, I'm sorry for your breakup.

Hi everyone,

I don't mean to come here and just unload all my problems on you guys, but I feel like my heart has been smashed and I don't know where to go. I was in a long distance relationship with another guy (my first boyfriend) for a few months. We talked for a few months before meeting and becoming boyfriends... and I came to care for him very deeply. I always felt that he was so raw and vulnerable with me... and I told him that. That's what made me love him... just seeing him being vulnerable, and being able to have that with him as well. I gave him my complete trust.

How long were you together and did you ever spend time overnight with one another or spend weekends together?

At some points in our relationship he would be going through something and begin to cut off our communication. He would usually say that he was going through a hard time and needed some space, and I would always give it to him. The last time that this happened, I got so frustrated with him. I was tired of being worried about him, not hearing from him... wanting to just hear his voice. I just couldn't understand his frame of mind... I could only accept things as they were.

It's good you gave him space. Even if in the end he was cheating on you, which is speculation, it's still good to listen to your boyfriend's needs. At the same time communicating your needs is important too and I think you did that.

When this happened, he called me one night and broke up with me. I cried. He was kind though and he told me that he had meant everything he had ever said about how he feels about me, that he still loves me, etc. While this was a "break up", it was established that we still wanted to be together eventually, and that we would be exclusive to one another in the meantime. He promised he would save himself for me, and I promised to wait for him too.

This set off some serious red flags. It's not to say that he wasn't sincere (although that's doubtful given his later conduct) but rather breaking up with the promise of being together later and being exclusive in the meantime isn't a "break up". It's at most a "break", which is something that can be temporary, IMO.

Just a week ago... last Thursday... I spoke to him on the phone when I was feeling down and he told me that nothing had changed between us, that he still loves me, that we were still going to be together, that he wants to see me. I felt so relieved to hear him affirm everything my heart told me, and I told him that I still love him and I trust him. On Sunday... only three days later... he untagged/deleted all of our photos together on Facebook, and de-friended/blocked me. The next day, a mutual friend let me use his account to look at his fb page and it said that he was in a relationship with another guy.

It sounds like he wanted to end it, but was too much of a coward to actually do so, so he duped you into thinking he wanted to get back together, while he moved on with his life. This is, of course, speculation again.

Everything about this is so wrong. What kind of person lies like this? I don't believe that over the course of 3 fucking days his feelings completely changed and this happened. He lied to me... and this probably wasn't the first time. When did the lies begin? How far do they go? Was anything between us real? How could he use me that way? He was my first boyfriend. I gave him my first kiss. I was vulnerable for him. I trusted him. How can I ever trust anyone again? I feel ruined.

You're not ruined. No one can ruin you. I'm sure you'll recover from this in time.

What makes people tell these kinds of lies? I was a good boyfriend to him; How can I ever be that to anyone else if I'm not able to trust anymore? How do I move on from this without letting him win and crush my ideals?

It will be difficult, but I think you'll be able to trust again. You just need to focus less on him and more on you.

Good luck and again, I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[anchihiro]

You can and will eventually do better.

 

[Apollosfire]

Hola Miguel,

As others have said, I am sorry for your loss. Rather the guy we are with is angel or asshole, its still a loss or hearts and minds feel.

I find myself in similiar situation where I know the person I love is not on my level or reciprocating my needs.

All i can say is after the first heartbreak, you will be surprised
but each relationship that comes next will find you feeling deeper and different emotions.
suerte en tu vida, and path

 

[wastedtime]

What he did sucks. You should take some satisfaction that you handled yourself with intregrety through the situation, even when he did not.

And I am going to sound like my mother here, but this was one of the things she was right about.

It hurts now. That hurt is real. But time will make it better.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry it had to be with the experience you write about. Come and dump the crap that was handed to you anytime, although I hope you'll have happier experiences to report.

I'm sorry for your loss and pain and lack of closure. When people are in their own shit they are selfish and they lie. The problem is we can't always tell when they're in their shit as was your case with this guy.

There are people who always have a potential relationship around the corner.

As you progress through this don't stay stuck in the sorrow and the anger. Do what you have to do. Cry. Break cheap china. Whatever, but don't wallow. Try to get to a place where you have neutral or no feelings for him. Any more than that, either positive or negative would be too much power in his hands. That's not today; that is the goal I suggest you work towards.

What you need to examine are any tendencies you have regarding co-dependency. You made major compromises so early in the relationship that I fear what your life might have been like had you two become boyfriends. There are times once well into the relationship where it might become all about one person, but generally that us over a specific issue and for a limited amount if time.

Early on you want to make sure there is some give and take and you want to be equals. Some people don't do this consciously but nonetheless will use someone they sense they have emotional control over. ALWAYS believe actions more than words.

I wouldn't hold back in the future, but be observant. Imagine a ping pong game or a tennis match. As you send the ball (actions, emotion, love) over the net is anything being returned? "I'll send the ball back next week," doesn't help with today's game.

In a perfect world everyone would be kind and mean what they say. Remember, too, that what happened says a lot about him, but also something about you. You were willing to accept words in lieu of action. That doesn't make you a bad person but it does tell you that you are willing to trust before trust was earned. How is it earned? I keep a promise I make to you and I've earned your trust. I make an excuse regarding a promise and you withhold trust until the promise is made. I make a second excuse and you no longer can believe me. It's just too many balls going over the net in the same direction.

Bottom line? Use your mind and your senses to confirm your emotions. I wish you well. Stay positive and keep smiling. There's someone waiting that will return it.

 

[Manuel13]

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It is helpful. This has just been a hard time and I have good days and bad days. Today was difficult... I was in church and nearly just broke down. One of the things that has been so frustrating is that I feel I have not had a lot of places to turn for support without stirring up more drama and that is why I came here.

I was fiddling around with some music a day or two ago and this song sort of just poured out of me. I felt so much better after expressing that pain in music, and I had a friend of mine give the song to my ex for me. I wrote it for him and I wanted him to hear it. I think it's probably the best closure I can find.