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Brother wants to stay and I'm worried and pissed... explain after the click?

R

recuerdeme

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So heres a little background. I'm the youngest of 3. I have two older brothers yet I've always been the most responsible and the one that always helps out. Lately this helping out has become more a burden than something I just do out of kindness. I'm 26 with a good job and my own house and a dog and I'm in a relationship!

I'm on the verge of asking my bf to move in, so aside from trying to prepare my house and myself for that, one of my brothers asked me to stay a week. I said no problem... well that week has turned into almost 2 months. Now my other brother is asking to stay a couple of months!

This is putting a damper on my mood and on my social life and I just feel like not going home to my OWN HOME. And I fear it may cause problems in my relationship. I spoke with my bf and he said he my come less to visit! Because he wouldn't feel comfortable with two other people in the house and us having sex or just lounging around trying to enjoy ourselves.

So now my plans to invite him to live with me have been pushed back. He seems uneasy about all the people living in the house. I'm uneasy about all the people living in the house, and my mom is throwing a guilt trip supreme because I'm telling her I can't take it... am I wrong? I help out my fam all the time but guest are guest and renters are renters and free loaders are free loaders... I don't want to be shackled with the latter two.

What say you all.
 
It depends, why are they staying with you? Are they paying rent, helping out with the costs? Can't the two of them get an apartment together? Are they going to be on the street if you say no?
 
Elwood said:
It depends, why are they staying with you? Are they paying rent, helping out with the costs? Can't the two of them get an apartment together? Are they going to be on the street if you say no?
Click to expand...

That's the thing there is no reason to stay with me there is family all around the city. And mom is two hours away. Actually they moved back in with mom and now are moving out to stay indefinitely with me!! No cost, food or cleaning help.
 
Unfortunately, this is not an easy call for you because it involves family. Are you "out" to your family? If you are, the solution is simple. Your partner is moving in and everyone else needs to leave. Period. If they don't know you are gay, you are still entitled to your privacy, family notwithstanding. I could better understand it if your brothers were homeless and living in the streets but that doesn't sound like the case. They CAN live elsewhere. Sometimes, you just have to say NO...even to family. Chances are that your Mom probably doesn't want them there either. She has her own life to live. They are older than you. Let them take responsibility for themselves.

Bottom line is that you have to take a stand, whether or not it is popular with the family. It's one thing to "help" a family member or close friend in need. It's another thing to allow them to take advantage of you. You have to draw the line somewhere.
 
Freeloaders are freeloaders- family or not. They're taking advantage of you.

These are your brothers not your children. You've helped them out but they're adults and they need to find a place to live.

If they're not able to work and support themselves, give them a definite period of time to find another place to live. Then keep your word- kick them out and change the locks.

If they're able to support themselves, take them apartment hunting. If needed, give them the deposit. Help them move their stuff and get settled.

Here's the deal- you're not doing them any favors by letting them mooch off you. It's not a lot of fun but sometimes you have to realize that you're not helping people out by letting this kind of stuff go on. As long as you're supporting them, they don't have to support themselves like grown-ups.

You grew up. It's their turn.
 
Whatever the cost is for rent and utilities, divide by three. Tell them that you already have other people who have offered to split the cost and the ONLY way they can live with you is if they pay there share of the money. Tell them exactly how much they need to give you and that you need the first month in advance. If not say SORRY!
 
Your brother is using you. There's no other word for it. You don't owe family members free room and board for long periods of time. I don't care how close you are.

Tell brother #2 that he's welcome to stay with you. And, since he's your brother and all, you'll only charge him $250 a month for rent, but he'll have to do some chores to make up for it. And tell brother #1 that he's got a month to find his own place, or else he's gonna have to start shelling out and helping out as well. Yes, you're gonna get some grief for that. You're gonna be "turning your back on your family". Fuck that noise. Your brothers aren't ever gonna grow up and become adults if they're not forced to. As long as you provide them a rent-free, chore-free home, why the hell would they bother?

Lex
 
KaraBulut said:
Freeloaders are freeloaders- family or not. They're taking advantage of you.

These are your brothers not your children. You've helped them out but they're adults and they need to find a place to live.

If they're not able to work and support themselves, give them a definite period of time to find another place to live. Then keep your word- kick them out and change the locks.

If they're able to support themselves, take them apartment hunting. If needed, give them the deposit. Help them move their stuff and get settled.

Here's the deal- you're not doing them any favors by letting them mooch off you. It's not a lot of fun but sometimes you have to realize that you're not helping people out by letting this kind of stuff go on. They don't have to support themselves like grown-ups.

You grew up. It's their turn.
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My thoughts exactly.

Don't enable them to be freeloaders. Tough love man, make them take care of themselves. Or at the very least, mooch off of someone else. You've worked for what you have and you deserve to enjoy it and live your life.
Give them the boot, move the BF in, and be happy.
 
I don't know what your relationship is like with your brothers, but you need tell them that them living with you is stopping you from living your own life. Do they have jobs? If yes, just tell them to go. If not, give them a deadline to find work and another place to stay. They might use you for as long as you allow it.
 
Friend, family will do you in faster than anyone else. I've been in your position. Your brothers appear to just be using you. Of course they would rather stay with you than with Mom! They get free rent and free meals and a lot more freedom than they would at Mom's. And as for Mom trying to guilt trip you into letting your brothers stay with you instead of at her house...of course she'd rather they did! You're taking a lot of responsibility and work off of her hands. See?

How about your relationship with your boyfriend? How much does that relationship mean to you? You realize you sometimes have to choose between the one you love and your family, right? You said you and your boyfriend were on the verge of living together...are you sure that letting your brothers stay with you over an extended period isn't a way of avoiding making a big step in a deepening relationship? Sometimes, we will unconsciously find ways of avoiding making decisions and increasing our involvement in relationships by passively allowing family situations to intervene. Is that maybe a possibility?

Ultimately, you have to decide whether your relationship with your boyfriend is valuable enough to risk the relationship you have with your freeloading brothers over.
 
Why don't they stay with your mom? Why did they move out there to stay with you? They're adults and they should be smarter than to stay with a family member for months who has other plans with his life.

My suggestion is: tell them to go back to your mother because you would like your boyfriend to come and live with you. They'll understand. And if they don't...too bad, it's your house and life and you're the only one who decides what happens with it.
 
Seems like you need to stand up for yourself here and tell them to GTFO.

Family or no, their expecting you to provide free living for them when they are even older is incredibly childish.
 
You need to tell the one that wants to move in -- no.

You need to give the one that's in place a deadline to move out.

Their inability to fend for themselves is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and your boyfriend. Nothing should prevent you from living out your lives together and free of family-baggage.

Good luck--I hope things work out OK.
 
u sound like me man .... its hard to find a balance between doing the things u can for those that NEED it and doing everything for everyone when theyre quite capable of doing it for themselves ... its ur life my friend and only u can make it what u want .... theyre now affecting ur life and goals which to me seems unnacceptable .... take control .... they may resent you for a little while but in the end theyre ur family and theyre as stuck with you as you are with them so dont put up with their shit .... reverse the situation .... would they do the same for you? if the answer is no then ... you know what to do
 
You guys are right! I'm going to have put my foot down.

I've talked to my bf more and he says he will be ok if my two brothers are staying for a while but I can hear the reluctancy and who wouldn't feel uncomfortable in a situation like this. Going from dating a guy who lives alone to dating a guy with a full house and one brother is a pastor which makes my bf a little more uncomfortable. geez. Why me!?!? jej

I think the biggest thing I'm facing is how this is going to make me look in the eyes of the family if I turn them both away. But maybe I shouldn't be concerned about that. Cause they have plenty of places to stay and with people who lives they won't be interrupting extensively! Grr
 
By helping them you're hurting them. You're keeping them from being responsible.

If they stay with you, they should pay rent (cheap), period.
 
recuerdeme said:
I think the biggest thing I'm facing is how this is going to make me look in the eyes of the family if I turn them both away. But maybe I shouldn't be concerned about that.
Click to expand...

you'll probably get the biggest flack for this, but they are not your children to be providing for. furthermore, they are adults. like all the others said, its time they man up. i think i would be worried about what family would say too, but they are clearly taking advantage.

i, personally, wouldnt give them the option to stay much longer. they need to respect you and your decision to want to create a home for you and your bf. i would tell your bf to move in whenever he's ready and who cares if they can hear y'all having sex. Its your house!! tell your bros. that they have 2 months to get their act together, meaning they need to save $$, feed themselves, and find another place to live. be sure to tell them that they are always welcomed to come over though.

i also wouldnt mention to them about your bf being uncomfortable with them there 24/7 cause thatll paint a bad impression of him, though its the truth. keep this as it being your sole decision with no outside influences. you dont wanna face any retaliation on your bf.
 
I was in your situation once and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was once asked a question that revolutionized my way of thinking in regards to those who "have no where else to turn" and it's simple. I'll ask you....

What would they be doing if you weren't able to help them?

Whatever the answer is to that question is what they need to do. You mentioned that you didn't even feel like it was your home anymore and to me that implies that there's little respect and maybe even appreciation for what you're doing for them. The line between appreciation and expectation is easy to cross ESPECIALLY when it comes to family. You have helped enough!!! Also, in regards to "how you would look to your other family members", unless they are willing to help out with them their opinion shouldn't matter much. It's hard, but it's fair. Stop being unfair to yourself dude because in the end it's never worth it.
 
>>>I've talked to my bf more and he says he will be ok if my two brothers are staying for a while...

In other words, you're planning on letting brother #2 move in.

Getting brother #1 out of the house can be somewhat difficult, but getting brother #2 out of the house is infinitely easier. Just say "No". Yes, it's tough to turn down family, especially if your family is pretty tight. But think about it another way for a second.

Say one of your brothers came up to you and said "Give me half your paycheck from here on out." Not because he needs it to survive, but because...well, because, hey, you're family? Wouldn't you tell him to go to hell? Even if he were a pastor? Having the same blood in the veins doesn't give them a right to squeeze you, which is what they're doing.

Lex
 
It's tough love, but they'll never learn otherwise. Do you really think they're motivated enough to move out if they can leech of you? If they were motivated in the first place, they wouldn't even been in that situation.

But in the end if they do live with you, IMO you should have more say in how they live there. They should do chores and yardwork. (and some rent) In other words, your house, your rules.

But really they can live in a studio apartment that together. It's cheap since they'll split the cost in half.
 
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