Buddy Confidentiality

[HunterM]

My straight friend "Brian" (for a few years) likes to flirt with me when we're alone. I'm not out to anyone (straight acting); and he suspected I am gay. I never had the courage to have sex with a man...but wanted to with him. in the company of others, he's the first one to say "This is so gay" or "that is so gay". For example, when listening to music with friends, any song that he does not like, he would say "This song is so gay." Everyone just laughed it off. That makes me think he's very anti-gay and very straight.

When we're drunk and alone, he would try to get me to admit that I'm gay and talks dirty to me and subtly touches me around my waist or my thighs...and even holds my hand for a minute or two (not seconds). He would say something like "don't put too my much teeth on my cock."

When that happens, I just back away and confused. I have other straight friends that do not behave that way. If they know someone is gay, they just left them alone.

A couple of times when he's drunk while I was away on business trips, he instant messaged me "blow me" or "come home, please come home." I think he is bi and we are attracted to each other. I don't know why he is so persistent on outing me saying "I now have a gay buddy" in a quiet voice. I never replied with that comment. I didn't deny it either...the "don't ask; don't tell" policy.

He is considerate and treats me well...better than he treats his family (brothers and sisters). We are best buds. One time in a restaurant having dinner with other people, someone asked why I'm single and jokingly said, "Are you gay?" Everyone laughed. Brian was the first to defend me and said, "Hunter is not gay. He's definitely not gay." However, when he's drunk, he seems to be OBSESSED in getting me to admit that I'm gay. Why?

With your experience, what do you guys think? Advice needed. Thanks.

 

[bullwing413]

standard advice on this subject:

Listen, if you're as close as you say you are then just confront him with the idea that you believe yourself to be at least bisexual and that he's turning you on. If he really loves you, he'll take that as a compliment and say yes or no, but either way the elephant in the room goes away, and you can move on with him as more than a friend or just as good friend that you don't have to hide yourself from. You can wind up experimenting or not, it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

I assume you are an adult. While you don't have to "come out", you need to trust some people with who you really are. The problem is can this person be trusted. I've had many straight friends who and a handful of them I've trusted as I did not want to decieve them as we are very close and do love each other. None of them were secretly gay and pinning for me. (Although one did help in that way a lot and we lived to lovingly laugh about it now.) Sooner or later you've got to trust someone with who you really are.

 

[paatreides]

well, Hunter, i have to say he's hitting on you big time... yet he's too afraid to admit to anyone else that he's attracted to you.

i'd suggest the next time he's getting slightly tipsy from drinking, it would be a good opportunity to ask him what he's all about. he's not being up front, or fair to you with his actions. however, you need to promise him that you will not "out" him to anyone; that your conversation will be kept strictly confidential.
i'd be willing to bet that he's scared and confused and is in need of your friendship. so, truly be his friend - talk to him and help him. and if you are attracted to him - tell him. if it blossoms into a physical relationship, fine; if it doesn't you need to be ok with that too.

 

[HunterM]

Thanks for the insight.

 

[biguy732]

Drunks tell the truth - I think he has a thing for you. Perhaps he is gay/bi and will only come out (perhaps to you only) is something happens between the two of you. However, I do agree with the comment above, the next time he has knocked back enough to get flirty with you - ask him what he wants and what all this means. I usually don't tell people to get other people drunk - but there seems to be a pattern here that will lead to the truth.

 

[conrad]

Suggest that you will do for him but you expect the same for you from him.
There ought to be a kind of reciprocity in sexual contacts--no one, I suspect, really likes to think he is being used. My own experience has been that when one has truly bonded in friendship and even love with a partner the sex comes naturally and confirms the bond between partners.
And, I would discount anything anyone says when they are drunk; only a few drunks in my experience have ever been truthful.

 

[giorgiobaby]

I think the guys above got it right. When he's drunk he is more open about what he likes, just not ready to commit without more reponse from you. Good luck with this situation.

 

[MisterMajestic]

"it's been proven homophobic men are upset about their own sexuality, ie gay and closeted."


I've always been "closeted" about my Bisexuality. I never bash Gays/Bi's when I'm in the presense of straight friends/relatives. Even if I NEVER disclose my attraction to men I'll always be myself and treat others the way I want to be treated.

There are Homophobic men out there that hate or dislike gays because of ignorance and stereotyping. It usually does not mean they are Gay but the REAL factor is ignorance..

 

[MisterMajestic]

No I didnt miss the point...I just defended men that are "homophobics" due to the statement you made about them...

I repeat...Homophobic men that bash Gays/bi's are not necessarily closeted Gay Men. They can be straight as a nail and just flat out ignorant.

 

[HunterM]

First of all, thanks for all your input!

I think Molten Rock may have a point. "This is so gay" or "that is so gay" sounds like comments from a teenager. It's a bit odd for my friend "Brian", who is 34 yrs old and has a professional white collar job with over $100k annual salary, be saying something like that. It now makes me think that this is just a deflection on his part to cover up his own insecurity. None of my other straight friends (we all are in the same age group) make comments like that. They are straight; and they don't need to make sure the public knows it.

 

[Kyanimal]

Is "Brian", at 34, married? Does he have a Girl Friend?? Has he had GF's??? If he is all that adorable, and doing "well", why has he not been "captured" yet??? Just some thoughts ...

I'm thinking he wants YOU! (Whether he's willing to "admit" that, or not.)

Next time he's had "a few", and gets Flirty, don't back away! Perhaps even "lean forward", and see where it goes!

Our major regrets are not, usually, from what we've Done, but rather from what we Didn't DO!

I'm thinking ... Go for "IT"!!

"Nothing Ventured ... Nothing Gained!"

Of course ... please keep us updated! And ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[kingkhan]

At 34 he shouldn't be saying "that is so gay". In my generation, I am 21, growing up it is common to use that saying to put down something but, it kind of seems like it has lost it's meaning like the phrase does not always have the correlation to gay ppl it seems to express a certain sentiment. Anyway its kind of juvenile for him to be using it.

 

[joeG23]

Right, first off he knows you are gay. That much is clear. The fact that you have not actually voiced it makes no difference. I think you should be honest about who you are with him. But don't do it as part of a seduction routine, and don't expect him to take it well (though if he is a true friend he will be positive and supportive). You will find it difficult articulating the fact that you like guys, and it will be scary. But it will be worth it. You will feel better about yourself. Your relationship with him (even if it is only friendship) is being stifled by the 'secret' between you. Get rid of that, and you will be able to be truely friends - and maybe lovers. But friendship is the most important thing for you both (either as friends, or lovers or both). Best of luck. Joe

 

[Kyanimal]

At 34 he shouldn't be saying "that is so gay". In my generation, I am 21, growing up it is common to use that saying to put down something but, it kind of seems like it has lost it's meaning like the phrase does not always have the correlation to gay ppl it seems to express a certain sentiment. Anyway its kind of juvenile for him to be using it.

Though we are ALL going to grow "Old" ... there is NO "Scribed in Stone RULE" that we have to grow "Up"!!

Not disagreeing with You ... nor approving of what he's said ... just saying ...

(I know! Completely different topic!)

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[MisterMajestic]

"At 34 he shouldn't be saying "that is so gay"."


There's a lot of things that people of ALL ages shouldnt be DOING & SAYING but that does not stop them...

Let's not judge a person and the phrases they make..I mean, what age should a person stop using the words "Cool" & "Chill"?

Those are small and irrelevant things...

 

[Kyanimal]

I would have to agree on the statement that homophobic men aren't necessarily gay. I'm a closeted bi and I don't bash gay people.

It is curious why homophobes seem to be mostly male, however. How many hardcore homophobes do you know who are female? I know they exist. But there aren't that many of them. Women are generally live and let live on gay issues. Seems like most straight men are either homophobic or are at least given to saying incredibly homophobic things at times.

I'm pretty sure it's more of a Defensive thing with Guys. Especially in our younger years, we are taught to be quite sensitive about what our peers might think of us. Our "Rep" is a strong factor in determining our social standing.

So ... even though WE might know that we're gay/bi, we don't dare admit it publicly, and often over react, quite negatively, to ANYTHING that might suggest our "truth"! A strong offense is often easier to hide behind than building a defense from a position that could be considered a weakness.

Any insecurity can result in reactions promoting the opposite extreme.

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[biguy732]

First of all, thanks for all your input!

I think Molten Rock may have a point. "This is so gay" or "that is so gay" sounds like comments from a teenager. It's a bit odd for my friend "Brian", who is 34 yrs old and has a professional white collar job with over $100k annual salary, be saying something like that. It now makes me think that this is just a deflection on his part to cover up his own insecurity. None of my other straight friends (we all are in the same age group) make comments like that. They are straight; and they don't need to make sure the public knows it.

Something is amiss here - I don't know of anybody who is a professional who would ever use the phrase "this/that is so gay" - especially in the PC world that we live in. Professionals in the business world, at least in my experience, what you see out of the office is generally what you see in the office for the most part - and I don't know of any company that would put up with that phrase regardless of whether or not he meant it or not.

 

[osiam44]

Drunks tell the truth - I think he has a thing for you. Perhaps he is gay/bi and will only come out (perhaps to you only) is something happens between the two of you. However, I do agree with the comment above, the next time he has knocked back enough to get flirty with you - ask him what he wants and what all this means. I usually don't tell people to get other people drunk - but there seems to be a pattern here that will lead to the truth.

absolutely true

 

[bullwing413]

absolutely true

While alcohol lowers inhibitions, those inhibitions are REAL and are a significant part of someone's personality. You cheat people of these very protective devices like inhibitions when you take advantage of their being intoxicated. So I am not infavor of getting anyone drunk to find out their secrets.

 

[HunterM]

Update: We went out drinking on Saturday night and got really hammered. Flirted with a few women in the bar. Went back to Brian's place around 2am and stayed in the basement to listen to music. He dimmed the lights and asked me to lock the basement door to prevent his kids from walking in (he's a divorced dad). At that point, I knew he had sex in mind. So did I. We took our shirts off and sat on the couch next to each other with an inch apart. I could feel his body heat. He said something about him being too wasted and "I'll just sleep here with you in the bed."

After a few minutes of sitting there, nothing happened. I think both of us were too scared and were waiting for each other to make the first physical move. I'm used to always make the first physical move on women. So I was at a lost with a man pursuing me.

One more song later. He left to bring blankets to me and gone back upstairs to sleep. After a few minutes, I went upstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water to drink. I found him sitting in the living room with his laptop...probably watching porn. As soon as he heard I was in the kitchen in the dark. He walked right by me and circling me really close and said, "I thought you went to bed already. Go to bed." And so I left. Just didn't know why he was so anxious in the kitchen. Even if he's really watching porn to get off, we told each other many times how some straight porn scenes got us off.

Part of me really wanted to have sex with him that night. Because he feels comfortable with me sitting so close to him in our boxers, I now know he's into me. But part of me didn't know what to do without freaking him out...as this maybe his first time on getting this close of wanting to have sex with a man as well.

Taking your advice. I need to come out to him first.