Bully from school

[megustamyn]

It’s great that he’s getting help! You should limit you’re involvement until you’re sure that he is serious about the process and that it is having an effect. Tread very carefully.

My son-in-law was an abusive SOB for many years. He is gorgeous and charming but had the misfortune of having a horrible childhood living with a stepfather who abused him and a mother who tried to compensate for the abuse by spoiling both of them.

My daughter has always defended him but she suffered a lot over the years. It started out as arguments then moved to shoving and eventually to some serious battering. There were many times when I had to rush over to rescue her. There were several orders of protection and incarceration. It didn’t stop until a judge ordered therapy and anger management sessions as part of his sentencing.

My daughter has been married for 16 years and they have 3 children. It is clear to anyone who sees them together that they are madly in love. But she went through more than 10 years of hell because she always went back to him. I’m sure that all this has scarred the children. It was a very long nightmare for the whole family.

My son-in-law is not a bad person and we now have a good relationship, but he is damaged and I do believe that my daughter would be dead by now if he hadn’t had help. These things always escalate unless the person receives treatment. The good news is that it can be treated successfully.

 

[Eagle653]

Tommy, thanks for the updates.

What makes me feel good about this situation is that you believe in yourself, first and foremost. Thus, I believe in you too. I have a lot of respect for you for insisting that he get help. Now that he's getting it, you're sticking by him and giving the friendship/relationship an honest chance. No one can ask any more of either one of you.

Sometimes a lifetime of shit just piles up and comes out in inappropriate forms. Otherwise good people just snap and act in ways they know is anti-social and scary. It takes a lot of guts to admit that to ones self and get the help that's there to be had.

You sound like the type of guy who's not only bright, but loyal. Given all the heart-to-heart talks you've had since you got re-acquainted with him at that party, you see some good things in him and want to give it a chance. Yet, you also are smart enough, I think, to protect yourself first.

He probably knows that, perhaps for the first time, he has found something very good in you. He probably wants to fix himself in order to keep you. If so, it sounds to me like a recipe for a potentially powerful relationship.

I wish you both well. Keep in touch and let us know how it's going.

 

[Shepherd 2]

He is still a bully.
If you let yourself be bullied by him again,
you need to have your head examined.

He needs to get professional help.
Stop his abuse while you can.
Lose the loser, and abusive manipulator.
Shep+

 

[Eagle653]

Shepherd, did you read any of the updates...or, this whole thread? Your post seems like you read the first post only.

He's getting help...among other things.

 

[StlKj]

Since you've chosen to stay with him, I wish you well in the relationship. Hopefully he will get help for his anger management problems and he will make a great partner.

But just remember this:

He was horrible to people when he was younger.

He put his hands on you--you may not have been hurt, but by pinning you to the wall, he technically assaulted you.

He yells at you.

He straightens up when you threaten to leave him.

After you receive the advice on here you so seriously asked for, and got the same response your friends gave you, (albeit, they were harsher about it), you then regretted putting this on here, and blamed yourself for sounding like a whiny bitch. So he sends up red flags, and when you ask someone for some input, you then second-guess yourself and put yourself down for a very legitimate concern?

Until you said that, I thought you sounded like you can probably handle this. Now, I'm concerned--you're now standing up for him while putting yourself down. That's a dangerous hill to start heading down.

You entered this with your eyes open. You seem to staying in it with your eyes open. Just please remember that while you're watching him finding himself, you don't lose sight of yourself in the process.

 

[StlKj]

That sounds very encouraging, tommy. Good luck on everything as it develops.

 

[Just_Believe18]

It sounds like he is making significant progress. Who knows? Maybe this just might be the thing he needs. I hope everything works out for you, Tommy.

 

[Elwood]

Wow good on you Tommy a very nice ending indeed!

 

[rareboy]

hey tommy, good for him and good for you.

Hope it all goes well and that you are able to support one another through this.

 

[Oden_grey]

It sounds like he is making significant progress. Who knows? Maybe this just might be the thing he needs. I hope everything works out for you, Tommy.

How could "significant progress" be attained in such a short time? Anything psychological can take years to treat if at all. I think tommyharley is being way too optimistic at this point... especially if tommyharley's new boyfriend is a product of years of psychological abuse and neglect.

 

[rareboy]

^ I agree. He may have just needed better tools for expressing his frustrations and anger. At some point, maybe he'll be able to identify the source of his anger and rid himself of it.

He also may have a physiological basis for outbursts related to metabolic, cardiovascular or neurological dysfunction. Hopefully that is being looked into as well.

 

[Telstra]

Very interesting story.
Goodluck Tommy.

 

[Lucas07]

So glad about everything's progress... I wish you guys all the best sir tommy

 

[Oden_grey]

Im not denying he has a long way to go, thats why a relationship with him is out of the question at the moment, granted i have put myself out there. As far as his councillor is concerned he has made a fantastic start to the course and i myslef have seen a change in him. He was not an emotinal wreck when he began the course, just had trouble expressing his feelings in a productive manner. Now he is changing the way he does that.
He's not taking the course to find some deep hinden meaning in his past that made him this way, its pretty clear already. This is to help him control himself in situatians he would sometimes find difficult.

And i am optimistic but thats all i can be, i care about him to much to think the other way.

It's good that you understand that it is a long road ahead. I'm glad that you care enough about him to stay with him. I can say that if he is as troubled as you say he is, he will need as much love and support as you can muster. It's obvious that your relationship is based on something quite profound and that your bf cares enough about you to try to be a better man.

Best wishes and good luck.

 

[TygreBryte]

I haven't seen this thread before today; i'd have to say the level of discussion is the tops! hats off to everybody!

Tommy, it looks like your guy really wanted his life to be different. That's awesome, and it's important, too, because like lots of people have said, it's not something that any one can force on someone who is not *ready* and *able* to do it. (Happily, it also seems like your guy is *able* to use help, make changes, and work on some insight. Not every toughened person from a tough situation is able to do that).

Also, happily, it seems like he got hooked up with a competent counsellor! It's impressive to me that the counsellor worked you in the way he (?) did -- slowly, and after your guy had done some things for himself, by himself, like taking up swimming (yeah, that kind of stuff is good for stress relief).

It sounds like the councilor (OK, i'm going to spell it the way spell-check wants me to, instead of the way I like to spell it) might be of the following mind, also: What your guy -- and you, I think -- probably also need is for the two of you not to just exist as a tiny little universe unto yourselves, but with friends and etc. surrounding you. That is, your guy doesn't *just* need you to work through the emotional poverty of his past, he needs you and *other* friends and involvements as well. And, I'd dare say, you yourself will need some reasons for living beyond helping the scarred/scared ex-monster. You may very well benefit, in this situation, from some sort of objective psychological-flavored help yourself, because I bet you will benefit from an outside perspective just as much as him.

Like a lot of people have said, one of the things about relationships where abuse is a big factor, is that a lot of times, the abuse continues to escalate, and do it in cycles of abuse/"I'm sorry"/abuse/"I'm sorry" etc. That your guy is willing to work and break out of that is great. It's just not something I think could have happened if he hadn't been willing to open himself up to outside intervention. ...I know i'm being wordy; does that make sense?

Anyway, I hope you two have a great "adventure" with this, and I hope you keep updating us!

~t.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I know what the sensible thing to do would be. but i really dont want to be sensile about this incase i lose what i know i really want...

I know what you really want. You want a nice fun relationship with a great guy. But see, this isn't that guy. This guy has more issues than National Geographic. You need to let his sorry ass go. Staying with him isn't good for you, and it isn't good for him. By staying with him, you're telling him it's OK to slam you against the wall and hit you. Because hey, you'll come back.

Quit it. Nobody deserves to get struck. Despite what you think, there ARE other guys out there. You might say "And i am not bf material for anyone, i drink, flirt my arse off on a nite out, am selfish and materialistic", but I have a feeling those aren't your words - those are his. And he's got you believing them. All the better to keep you coming back, because, y'know, where else are you gonna go?

Cut all contact. All of it. Block his number, block his IM. If he stops by work, you have no interest in seeing him. Your life is too valuable to spend it chained to this asshole.

Lex

 

[Corny]

I believe Lex has covered everything important. Don't make yourself smaller because of this.

And i am not bf material for anyone, i drink, flirt my arse off on a nite out, am selfish and materialistic.

And if you despite all the flirting and partying still stay faithful you'd be quite boyfriend material for me. Ah well .. ok I would need to get rid of that materialistic part of you though

 

[Just_Believe18]

You did the right thing by leaving him. The golden rule in any relationship is: You leave the moment your boyfriend strikes you. You don't take physical abuse, at all. One strike and they're out.

Now that he is out of your life, keep it that way. This man is a physical danger to everyone, even random people on the street. His life is destined for anger, loneliness, and tragedy. You are a very outgoing, social person who loves people. You have so much more to live for. You've done your best for this guy, and now it's time to take care of yourself.

 

[cityboi]

I always went for the "bad boys," too. Found them more exciting and thought I could change them to fit me. Doesn't work. They will only wear you down to the breaking point. Seems that their type is substance addicted, be it alcohol or other. Glad I broke it off completely with them. Am now seeking level minded individuals who I meet at regular bars.