Burst_and_bloom - Archived Blog Posts

[burst_and_bloom]

Well... I have a regular journal for this kind of thing, but I'm bored, its 2:30AM and I'm just sitting here so hey, what the hell.

I am back in Rochester for the summer, I miss school so much. I feel like I'm a guest in this house all the time. I'm the only one of my brothers that is still living at home, and I think my time to move out for good has almost come. It's not that my parents hate me living here for three months out of the year, its me. I want to stay at school, that and this town is so backwards...

The only thing that I really do when I am at home is work at the magnanimous Park Plaza... back to the good old night shift that I have done so well for years, hahaha. It's easy but it kinda brings you down because you're awake when everyone's asleep and you sleep when everyone is awake.

Summer has always brought me down, because life slows down sooo much. And since college it has meant separation from my friends, who live on the OTHER side of the state. And with work I can't just get into my car and drive across the state, although I have a few times.

Most of all I miss my boyfriend Matt soo much, he lives eight hours away from here. To go from spending almost every waking moment with him to not seeing him at all, its hard. Last summer we were broken up so it was worse because we wouldn't talk as much as we do this summer. He works all night as well, and its nice to get out at 7AM to a voice mail from him telling me to have a good night or that he misses me and loves me.

He surprised me for my birthday earlier this month... I went to dinner with my parents and grandma and came home to my house completely decorated by Beck, Jonas, and Bob (my friends from home- Beck and Bob go to school with me too) along with Matt. They're the best... anyways thats the last time I saw him. It was nice though. In like two weeks I'm gonna go spontaneously show up where he is, he's really depressed at home and I wish there was some way I could make him feel better in a way more than just seeing him for a few days. I really feel for the kid though, he has a very hard life at home... he's so great, I wish he could be happy.=/

So other than work I have been reading a lot, watching a lot of movies, and going to the gym and working out and/or swimming. It's... enlightening. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time so much. I have been trying to smoke pot a lot less too and I am doing very well with that. Smoking is a very rare occurance now and when I DO smoke I enjoy it so much more.

 

[burst_and_bloom]

I went to see Matt, he was good and surprised hahaha. We went to Six Flags in Jersey, went to NYC for a day, and just hung around and enjoyed each other's company. It was so nice to see him again, it had been almost a month. I don't know how we are able to go that long... I mean I talk to him on the phone and online but its just not the same without him right... there... we go back in two months and we're gonna go to Warped Tour and Edgefest in about a month so that will be alright. Its not like we're not mature enough that we can't have some distance between us for awhile. I just miss him so much sometimes, its bad. That and his dad is such an asshole and his mother feels like she can't do anything about it, that whole house is completely under his control... he almost made Matt transfer to a college near his house. Coincidentally it was right after he brought me home for the first time.

I wish I could just take him away from all that, but who the hell am I? We got into a serious talk about it and I told him to start saving money... and if things get so bad I will come there and help him move out so that his dad can't stop him. I've discussed it with my parents and they said they would help me... there used to be 4 brothers in this house and now its just me, we can fit one more. I'm hoping by next summer we can save enough for an apartment...

Other than that... I have basically been working my ass off. I'm at Park Plaza Sun-Wed. nights and I just started at this inventory company that goes to different stores and counts shit on machines, sometimes I go from my night shift to a 6-hour morning shift at some random store across town. It's chaotic at times but me and my little car will survive.

Beck and I hang out a lot too. She's a shift leader at Regal so on really hot days we will go to the theater at the mall and watch free movies all day and go get lunch in the food court. Lazy as hell, but its so much fun.

I also got a family pack of Six Flags season passes with Beck, Jonas, and Bob. We go every Thursday and it isnt really that crowded... its so much fun. We haven't done that since junior year of high school I don't think. On discount days I take my nephews and go on the waterslides and the wavepool and shit with them. It's great.

I don't know... I miss school and not having to work 55 hours a week but I'm enjoying myself so much this summer that I don't care that much. And I just have school to look forward to now. Heh, am I crazy??

 

[burst_and_bloom]

God... I have not been like this in a long time. I'm just suddenly so sad and lonely.

I want to see Matt so bad. It's been getting more and more difficult just hearing his voice on the phone or seeing him as an IM box. I don't like being so psycho like this, but its making me crazy how slow time is going.

This too, shall pass. I think it's the combination of working 55 hours and hardly any social interaction that is getting to me.

 

[burst_and_bloom]

I sound like one of those obsessive, "only complete with their boyfriend" kind of people in the journal. I've decided that it is because when I come to this site I get in a really sexual mood, perhaps?

So, you wanna know about the past few weeks?

Well... Matt calls me one morning all spazzy saying that he won tickets to Lollapalooza in Chicago and that he would be at my house that afternoon and we were going to drive there.

We went to fucking Lollapalooza! I saw the Pixies!!! And Death Cab!! And... soooo many other bands that I enjoyed very much, Dandy Warhols were one of my favorites too. Chicago is a beautiful city... since we got into the show for free we sprang for a niiice hotel room and released pent up sexual energy from not seeing each other for a month until check-out time. Seriously, we fucked all night...

Came back just in time for Warped Tour here... we went with Beck, HER boyfriend Matt, and some other college people who met us there. The lineup has progressively gotten worse each year, but I still wanted to go because I enjoy the environment. Motion City Soundtrack was by far the best act, and WE MET THEM! My Chemical Romance was alright too, but I've been going to see them since their first album and all the life has been sucked from their live shows by fame. Evil, I tell ya... oh, and how about the random torrential downpour and thunderstorm??

The rest of the week was really laid back... one night we stayed in and rented movies and ordered thai food, we went to darien lake 2 days, then the beach on another. Then Sunday we went to Edgefest on the Pier. Flogging Molly was incredible, sooo much energy... I crowd surfed and almost died. It was awesome... then Our Lady Peace was kinda... weird. This was the band me and my first boyfriend Shane shared, and just standing next to Matt watching them was a little awkward.

So of course the time came for Matt to go back home... I'll be seeing him pretty soon but it never gets harder saying good bye to him. I love him.

Last week was the rude awakening of going back to work. Park Plaza is now the Radisson, AND I have extra hours, woohoo!? I worked 40 hours there and another 20 at RGIS last week. So there's a pretty hefty paycheck but it was so draining physically and emotionally. By the time I had a day off on Friday all I did was sleep. This week isn't so bad, about 45 hours total, which I have adapted myself to doing easily... Sunday is my last day at RGIS and the next Wednesday is my last at the Radisson... until December.

 

[burst_and_bloom]

As of today it has been 2 months since I've smoked pot, and I still have no desire to. This isn't saying that I never will again but I was getting bad with it for awhile. Not to the magnitude of my high school days because THAT was ridiculous. I would smoke at least once a day... usually clambaking with Beck before school and/or with Andy when we had sex. I used to go to work stoned out of my mind... and NOW I'm a manager. I've dodged a lot of bullets, I only got caught by my parents once in all that time and they didn't even get mad, just flushed the rest. I think that quitting the habit now will be all the better.

I'm still smoking cigarettes though but I'm down to about a pack a week. At my peak I was at about a pack and a half a DAY. I'm hoping by the end of the year I will have completely rid myself of it. I've tried cold turkey but that made me miserable and I just ate a lot in place of it and gained 10 pounds in a week. That's probably just as unhealthy.

And now... the drinking. I don't drink by myself, I don't drink when I have to work or if I have to go to class. It doesn't impede on my life. However, when I do drink I binge. I've only gotten sick one time, I hold my alcohol well, but I get myself so fucked up. I mean, as long as it doesn't become a problem. Matt's a rugby player and they are basically a drinking team so he does it even worse than me and I always end up sitting next to him at the toilet passing water under the stall as he pukes his guts out.

I have been going to the gym pretty frequently. Jonas and I got memberships to the YMCA (shhhhh they dont know we're gay.) I do a lot of laps in the pool, a lot of running, and some weight lifting. So I've been bulking up a little bit. I actually think my body is in a nice place.

The point of all this is... gradually... I am trying to improve myself. Time to grow up... I just have to keep with it, right?

 

[burst_and_bloom]

I just have to say that I am in love with Jason Mraz. Of all the music I listen to, this guy is the most random. It's not even a guilty pleasure, I am willing to admit wholeheartedly that I looove his music. Oh, and I am seeing him OCTOBER 4TH IN TORONTO.

I'M DONE WITH WORK... I have a whole week to do absolutely nothing and that is the plan. One last trip to Six Flags, one last date to the movies all day with Beck, huuge family party on Saturday which will be fun. Other than that I'll be relaxing and hangin' with my nephews in between packing my whole life yettt again.

 

[burst_and_bloom]

Since coming back to school, Matt has been unusually distant. I could be the boyfriend who is way too codependent... but i have always encouraged an independent life for both of us... whether it is his rugby team or my radio station and prssa friends. It was an unspoken understanding that we would drop anything for each other and that one night on the weekend was devoted to just us. I haven't seen him for more than a half hour this weekend. This is what has happened at the end of all of my relationships...

I have fallen so hard for this kid and I feel like I'm going to get hurt once again. I'm patient, I let him have his life so long as I can have mine but I never see him and I miss him... we were always busy but we always had time for each other regardless of our situations.

I wish I knew how to fix this without making a big deal about it.

 

[burst_and_bloom]

Much has changed...

Matt and I broke up. We tried to be fuck buddies for awhile but it ended up just being a bunch of mixed signals and aggravation on both of our parts. We stopped talking for about a month and now we're at the point that we were before we dated. He's much better as a friend at this point.

Beck recently broke up with her boyfriend as well, and with our newfound lack of commitment we have both been going out a lot. The hardcore partier in me is back some nights and its great, though I try to do everything in moderation.

Including boys... this Freshmen found me on myspace and itunes and IMed me the first day of this past semester looking for help with sharing music. Of course I did subtle flirting to be funny and once he found out I was single began talking to me again and asking about my music. I'd go over to his room and we'd smoke pot and listen to music and it was harmless for awhile... and OF COURSE it led to us messing around. He wanted it to be no strings attached and that was hot and everything. He was real cute and innocent and we had fun... Since being home we've been talking online and sending each other porn and I talk about all the dirty shit I want to do with him when we come back. It's fun and harmless.

I've also been hanging out with this guy I dated briefly Freshmen year. However, he had to deal with his brother's death so I was there more emotionally than anything. I'd sleep over and stuff but I wasn't trying to rush into anything.

I'm back to managing at McDonald's while I'm home. It's money if nothing else.

I got a 3.7 this semester, and I'm working with a professor to get my literary criticism as well as some of my fiction published at some point soon. I can't wait.

 

[burst_and_bloom]

Back at school!

I have a new butt buddy on the other side of campus. He's got a huge cock, a toned body, and loves to do kinky shit. It's the perfect situation.
I also have a guy in my building. I've never had sex with a black guy but I've always thought they were fucking BEAUTIFUL. He knows about whats going on but I've considered a relationship with him. Definitely not out of the question.
I'm still talking to the guy from last semester that I met through iTunes, though he seems a little preoccupied. He was another one I would have liked to have gone further with. I think I'm gonna go over there tomorrow night.

As far as Matt goes, he's moved off campus into the rugby house and is living in this cramped room with his new boyfriend. After what he's pulled since the break up this all has been said in passing.

Oh, and classes are good too, meh heh heh

 

[burst_and_bloom]

I have calmed down quite a bit in the past few months.

I met a guy who I have completely fallen head over heels for. He is amazingly intelligent, makes me laugh my ass off, and is just an all-around kind person with a lot of love to share.

I couldn't be happier.

I also bought an apartment with a few of my buddies, I can't wait to be here in the summer.