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...But you don't look gay?

F

freespirit2005

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I am a black straight-acting gay male. I don't get it. I'm pretty much open with my life now. I'm out of the closet (for the most part), yet I still seem to get passed up on the gaydar. I feel like in order for other guys to notice me or notice that i'm flirting with them I have to be extra flamboyant, which is something that I am definitely not. I even do the whole "staring" thing at guys who I know are gay and still get no reaction from there and they look at me like i have four eyes. And the reaction I get from others when I do tell them that I'm gay is "...wait, no u're not...Seriously?!? But you don't even look or act gay." I would expect this from the hetero crowd but sometimes i get it from my world too. I'm not desperate for attention, BUT DAMN, i'm tired of being mistaken for straight and going unnoticed in the gay world. What should I do? Act more flamboyant?
 
There are just some guys who, no matter what they do, do not set off gay-dars, even among gay guys. It could be that your body features are traditionally masculine; it could be your job and assumptions people make about that; it could be how you carry yourself is typically masculine; it could be some of all of the above.

You've tried the starring thing, and that doesn't seem to work. Try coupling the stare with a smile. If *that* doesn't work, start hanging around less dense people. LOL

Seriously, this is a problem that some guys have. It seems that, short of walking up to someone and grabbing that person's crotch, they just aren't going to be able to convey their gayness nor interest. It'll be interesting to see what those on here, who also have that dilemma, do to show their interest.
 
Where does this usually happen? If you're at a gay bar or someplace where one would normally expect to find a gay guy, then they already know you're gay. Whether or not they're interested is another matter. If you're just out in public, people may know--or at least suspect--but may not feel it's the right place or time to act on it. Or, they may not know for sure and don't want to get into a bad scene if they've guessed wrong.

I had a friend who had this problem. He wore a tiny pride pin on either his label pocket or shirt collar. Sometimes he wore one of those red AIDS ribbon things. It was subtle, but gave interested guys a conversation-starter to approach him (..."nice pin..."). Once he did that, the problem seemed to evaporate.
 
Some times you've got to take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and make the first move. If you wait until you set off some guys gaydar, you are going to be passing up some incredible opportunities. It won't kill you to walk up to a guy and introduce yourself. If he still gives you that look of non-recognition, then move on, maybe he is just not into you.
 
ha! i've gotten this shit before too

been accused of not acting "gay enough"

hehe - whatever the fuck that is

don't worry bout it man, just be you

you'll find the right people
 
That's perfectly cool.

This gives you a perfect chance to go for the guys, whom you deem desirable. Yeah, you are gay and all, but you don't have to be flaunting it all over the place.

So, beam a smile, buy a drink and don't hesitate to play your 'str8' charm on them. It'll work...

SC
 
Yeah, just continue to be who you are and let your uniqueness shine through! :D

You can always be a little more upfront particularly with guys whom you might be keen.
 
My ex-boyfriend didn't set off my gaydar at all either. In fact, had we met in a gay bar, I would have just assumed that he was there with gay friends.

We actually met in a bookstore, and he approached me. Had he not done that, we never would have met.

I think some people have the right idea. Be a bit more assertive with people, and you may be surprised with the luck you have. Happy hunting!
 
Thanks for all the advice to my situation. It just really funny how i never seem quite gay or str8 enuff. Surprisingly more str8 boys have picked on me then gay boys. Its like i'm not str8 enuff for the str8 community but not gay enuff for the gay community. :-(
 
Its gonna sound like a cliche mate...but be gratefull that you dont fit into anyone elses "box" but your own! Labels are for people who cant look past the end of their ignorance!

Some time soon there will be a guy who will see you for who you are and then you'll know what the rest of the world thinks is irrelevant. Dont change or alter who you are...acting is just another way of lying and in the end its all too hard!
Have faith mate...take your time - your value and worth is in who you are...and it seems to me it'll only be a matter of time before the right guy figures it out!!!!
 
Hey I'm in the same position as you. I look straight, and people don't even know I'm gay, I even have to wear my Bear Colored wrist band in order to see if anyone will catch on to what it is. But then in the end they don't. Sucks living in a city full of straight people.

But I agree with everyone else, continue to be who you are, you shouldn't have to act fem to guys can catch on to the fact that you're gay.
 
Damn...you are lucky. I don't pass as straight at all. I don't deliberately act or look gay but I set off gaydar even in straight people. You may think that you appear straight to the world, but I have to tell you that in all likelihood more people know that you are gay then you believe. If I had a dollar for every guy that I knew that thought he "looked straight" I'd be a millionaire.
 
Gaydar is irrelevant bullshit for closet cases. You need have no interest in whether anyone else knows your sexual orientation unless you want to have sex with him; if you want to have sex with him then go up and tell him so.

Once you stop agitating over whether anyone can tell your orientation just by looking at you, you can go on and develop friendships which are a much more realisitic basis from which to develop sexual relationships that will thrive.
 
In this day and age, the attitude that there's a single way to "look gay" just seems stupid. End of story. I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you. I find it equally annoying when people imply things like "you don't LOOK/ACT (insert some ethnic label here)." Boo.
 
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