Came out to my father, some issues

[excer93]

Hey guys,

I managed to finally come out to my dad a few days ago, I couldn't muster up the courage to do it face to face so I decided to do it over email. In addition I don't feel like we have a particularly good relationship, he knows next to nothing about me, my beliefs, interests etc.

Anyway, in this email I also highlighted some issues I had with him that I would have liked him to address because I felt like it was pushing me away or alienating me. It was simply things like the way he spoke to me on certain subjects, how I felt he hadn't been very supportive of me over the last few years in the decisions I've been making and obviously the matter of me being gay.

He addressed my being gay by saying he had an idea from when I was very young, that he appreciated me telling him but I had no reason to hide it. I was happy with this, but I wanted him to know that I felt I couldn't tell him as I'm desperately trying to improve our relationship. I explained how when I was younger he would use gay in a derogatory manner and that it affected me more than anyone telling me that or using gay that way, I went to a Catholic school so it was a regular part of my life. I felt like I needed to know why, especially if he knew I was gay.

As to the other subjects, he replied very negatively saying I was attacking him as a person and as a father, continuing to call me deluded, saying that all of these problems were in my head that I was being vindictive and the emails I was sending were a relentless attack.

I kept trying to appeal to him, saying I was merely highlighting some issues I had with him in an effort to repair and strengthen our relationship. He highlighted some things he wasn't happy with me about, and I apologised for many of them.

He has yet to apologise for anything to me, and he even called me a victim. I'm not sure, does it sound like I'm playing the victim a bit? I feel like maybe I am holding some stuff up but all I want is a simple apology so I can move on. Particularly the gay part, my father was a large part of what made me miserable when I was in the closet despite the fact that I know he didn't do it on purpose, the fact that he had an idea I was gay just hurts.

Normally I'm pretty sure of myself and would stick to my guns, but I'm going to university and I need his money to pay for it. Is it worth sucking it up and forgetting it for money, baring in mind that I would probably still have these issues on my mind or do I follow through with my convictions and demand he apologise out of respect for me? I'm so stuck on what to do and I hate that money is part of the problem. I'm upset, confused, a little angry, I guess I don't know whether to follow my head or my heart. Any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

 

[Craiger]

Congrats on telling your father you are gay. I think most parents have a inkling but do not broach the subject allowing the person to sort out the feelings and give them a bit of privacy. At least those that are liberal enough to not mind or those too afraid to talk of lifestyles.

This may sound harsh, however, I am reminded of the old saying, "You don't bite the hand that feeds you." You say you need the money for the continuation of your education, but you still want to push an extremely touchy subject and expect an apology for past hurt feelings. You don't repair and strengthen a relationship by demanding he make amends for the past unhappiness and continue to be favored with financial aid. I would suggest, and this is my own opinion, that you be the better man, dispense with the negativity at this time and kill him with love. There will be a time, possibly in the future, that you can revisit these hurts. But I don't see this is the time for that. If he continues to express these subjects, just let them go in one ear and out the other. Eventually he will realize that you are an adult and maturing into your own person.

I do hope things will work out for you, but be cautious in how you continue. My best to you.

Craiger

 

[Telstra]

From your post, you sounds like holding grudges.
Stop holding grudges and move on.

 

[dralockhart]

I'm glad you came out to him and that's at least on the table to be discussed, even if his acceptance doesn't really explain why he made homophobic comments during your childhood knowing that you might be gay.

I think the main problem is the forum for discussion. You said you sent these things to him in an e-mail. That's not really the proper format for what should be a conversation. I mean, it's apparent why you would use that format if you're feeling vulnerable. You get to say everything you want to say and wait for an answer from him. But put yourself in your dad's shoes. How would you feel if you got an e-mail from your child listing all the things you'd done wrong as a parent? You'd probably be prone to defensiveness and denial.

I think what you need is an open dialogue with your dad. Where you're both talking, not typing. Where he can respond in the moment to things you say and likewise.

If you hadn't pointed out anything he'd done that had hurt you before, he probably feels somewhat betrayed that you let all this mount up and are now just letting it all spill out. He probably feels blindsided by it.

This isn't to say everything is your fault. You probably have legitimate reasons for feeling the way you do about him. I'm just saying that the communication between you two is problematic right now, and I think improving the way you communicate about the problems in your relationship is the first step to getting things on the right track.

 

[PrahaGold]

The three answers you have so far are all valid, imho. I agree and would like to be harsh in my advice: Suck it up, get the money and become the person you want to become. You are an adult now and no longer under the wings of your parents. And trust me, with time you'll find that there are far more exciting people out there than they are.

My father used to call everything negative 'gay' as well (still does, as far as I know) but I don't really blame him; I blame society (yes, let's get a little more bitter). In most - if not all - languages their respective translations of the word 'gay' are often used to describe something negative, some definitions even made it into dictionaries. Most people don't even make the connection between the word and a sexual orientation any more. To them it has become an equivalent of 'sh*t', 'f*ck' etc. Without knowing your father, I dare say he didn't use the word with the intention of hurting you or discouraging you to 'become' gay. Mine certainly didn't and he knew/suspected strongly that I wasn't in his team when I was quite young as well.

I hope I didn't offend you or put you off, I'm right there with you. I know it hurts when your heroes turn out to be anything but. Be your own hero. Makes it far more difficult to get disappointed.

 

[KaraBulut]

I kept trying to appeal to him, saying I was merely highlighting some issues I had with him in an effort to repair and strengthen our relationship. He highlighted some things he wasn't happy with me about, and I apologised for many of them.

Before you take another step, you need to reread your opening post. Notice that the sentence above is buried deep in the post. Unfortunately, that is likely what happened with your Dad. You unloaded on him without setting the expectation that you want a better relationship with him in the future.

Family relationships are seldom pretty or perfect. Parents are imperfect and they produce imperfect children. If you want an adult relationship with your parents, you have to stop being a hurt child and let go of the anger. It's the only way to move forward and have a healthier relationship- assuming that both parties want a healthier relationship.

 

[Seasoned]

First things first. You've told him you're gay. That's huge and that can be enough for now. You've collected a lifetime of hurts and slights and tried dumping that on him all at once. He got defensive as attacked people usually do and fired back at you. I think it's important to call a truce. If you love him, tell him that. Tell him that you dumped too much on him at once when all you really wanted to do is come out to him. Tell him you'd like to have an adult relationship with him and you're willing to meet him half way and that its your intention to be honest and respectful.

 

[mcbrion]

Sigh.
Telling a parent something like this in an email is not the best move. You're avoiding him. Disguise it as you will, but you have yet to ask for a face to face meeting to clear up misunderstandings.
Emailing is completely wrong in this case. Completely. Wait until your strong enough to not collapse at the first sign of anger he exhibits. Have you sought out counseling? You should. Advice from a detached third party is very helpful. And he already said he suspected you were gay, appreciates your telling him and you did not have to hide it from him. That's a HUGE bridge to not have to worry about collapsing under you.

Your other complaints should be kept separate from the whole coming out matter. Address them face to face. Period. People use email as a subterfuge when they're afraid. It doesn't help, and it's lousy if you want authenticity in your relationship. My late, much loved, incest survivor therapist friend said to me once she never put ANYthing really serious in an email. She would wait until she was face to face with the other person - and it always worked better. I'd suggest you do the same.