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Came Out to my Uber-Catholic Mum

jazmraz

jazmraz

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(Sorry in advance for the wall of text! You can skip to the end for my question if you want.)

She pulled out every cliche in the book in that one conversation. "You're still too young to know" (I'm 22...), "You just haven't met the right girl yet", "It's impossible, we have no family history of gayness", "You're just being influenced by someone. Who made you this way?!", "You just think you're gay cos it's the fashionable thing these days", I could go on but you get the picture.

Since then she has been hounding me to no end, begging me to be straight. She keeps telling me 'not to be closed-minded" (I KNOW, RIGHT?) and if I wake up one day and decide I like girls, to let it happen. She also asks what she did wrong and what turned me gay. She wants to send me to priests and "counsellors" to find out and to degay me (or as she puts it, to "untangle my mind"). We've had a few arguments about the whole thing, which was tantamount to me banging my head against a brick wall.

The most infuriating thing about it all is that she's always saying that she accepts it when the reality is that what she's doing is the opposite of accepting it. If you want me to be straight, just be honest and say it - don't fucking pretend that you accept it and give yourself a pat on the back before constantly hounding me about turning straight!

I cannot take it anymore. Her denial is one thing, I'd be willing to work through it with her if she were willing to just listen to me instead of telling me that I'm not sure. How the fuck can anyone presume to know more about what's going on in my mind than me?

I also told her that I wanted to tell dad soon, but she said there's no way he'd be able to handle it. And I think she might be right.

I'm deciding whether or not to move out. On the one hand, I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this and I don't know what'll happen when I tell my dad. On the other hand, is it bad if I just drop the bomb and evacuate the facility without going through it with my family?
 
You are 22. You should be on your own regardless of the drama you have at home if you are financially able.
 
Time and some love will help you and your Mom--these things take a lot of time for some people and you have to be patient and give them the time to come around--if she loves you unconditionally, which I think she does---she will come around in her own time--you can't force this stuff down her throat---get on with your life and become independent and wait it out as far as Mom is concerned.
 
hi jazmraz,

Good and great that you have told your mom that you are gay. I hope your mom will soon change her mind and I hope she will soon realize herself that she must accept that you are not interested in getting a girlfriend. I tend to advise you to tell your dad as well that you are gay.

So you told us that you are 22yo. I tend to think this is a good age to become independent. I think you should move out and you should start living your own life, a life where you are surrounded by people who accept you who you are. Please note that loads and loads of straight people don't bother at all that a guy is gay.

Are there any restrictions to move out?

I really hope that your mom will change her mind. Please don't take it for granted that your dad will react in the same way like your mom.

Good luck and please don't hesitate to respond and / or ask additional questions.
 
A meeting of the two of you with a legitimate counsellor might give the counsellor a chance to assure her that you did not choose to be gay and cannot change.
 
Some ill informed parents think they did something to cause their child to be gay. It's your parents responsibility to educate themselves if they wish to maintain authentic relationships with their gay children. There is no longer any excuse in the Western world in 2014 other than fear and close-mindedness. In the 1990s my husband and I got his mother a membership in PFLAG. Their periodical at least made her aware of the support many parents provide their children.

An independent adult child can turn the tables. "I'm not going to argue with you about this. I can help you with resources if you wish, but ultimately I need support and won't be able to maintain a close relationship if you're unwilling or unable to provide it."
 
"Uber-Catholic"...I have visions of an app where you can get a mobile van with a Priest and a confession stall to you within 5 minutes.

...that could go either way depending on the Priest! (alter boys not included)
 
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