Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

[Benvolio]

Once you convince them that it is not a choice, the opposition will fade away.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

I read somewhere, might have been here, that the stages of coming out to our parents were like the stages we went through with our own sexuality. When I first realized I might like guys, I went through denial. I prayed that it would go away. I was upset when it didn't. Then eventually I came to grips with it and embrace it fully. I came out to my mother a few years ago and she reacted like your mother, from what I've read. I don't know if my mom still prays for me, but she is somewhat still in denial.

At the same time, it is much better than it was when I initially came out. She cried a lot and we got into some very rough fights, both physical and verbal. She's better now, even in her frequent case of denial. Let your mom sink it all in. I've realized it'll be years if my mom ever does accept my homosexuality. I remember how I didn't wake up and accept myself, and sometimes our parents can't either.

I'm sorry you're heartbroken over this. Get better and resume your life! Remind your mother that with or without her approval you're still gay. Best of luck

 

[mikey3000]

I'm so sorry that happened. Give her time.

 

[hotatlboi]

Like others have said give it time. My dad was the opposite of your parents (VERY socially conservative) and he was mad at first, but is mostly ok with it now. So I'm sure your parents will come around in time.

 

[r0ckst4r]

Yeh, like what they said. Give it time, but be-careful around your father cause even the slightest look he regards wrong can cause him to become not okay with it again!

 

[wikke1]

I feel for you, and hope things will get better.
I feel like you should find a good mix between being "firm" with your mum, and giving her some time.
Personally, I've Always found the argument "it's a choice" best refuted by saying:
"So, when did you decide to become straight?"
Quite often, people realise that they never had to make that choice, and neither did we.

Good luck!

 

[PjSmith]

You can't force her to cope on your timeline, and it seems from your OP that you are certainly trying. You are on a beautiful, fulfilling, lifelong journey of accepting and loving yourself. You can only invite her along for the trip. You can't make her accept the invitation.

Whatever you do, do not try to soothe her feelings by backing down. That will only support her theory that you are confused/ in a phase/ changeable, and the relationship will be terrible as she appoints herself your change agent.

Above all, remember that life has given you a beautiful gift, and limited time on this earth

 

[wikke1]

can you give us an update?

 

[lodeus369]

Well, you told them so the hard part is over. Just let time heal it. Some parents will never be accepting....until they see how happy you are in the end. Good luck!

 

[dormguy]

Thanks for all the support and advice guys. It's nice to know that I'm not totally alone in my experience.

So it's been almost two months and things seem to be a little better, but not totally. Neither one of my parents have mentioned it. My dad has been the best and most loving person in this whole ordeal. My mom on the other hand...not so much.

Even though she has not mentioned it, I know it's still on her mind and it still bothers her. She complains and criticizes me about everything I do and every decision I make. She has been very short tempered and snippy with me since then, and I know my coming out is the reason. I mean, what else could it be? For example:
I got a new tattoo, and she went crazy saying that I'm going to regret them, it's ridiculous to spend money on something like that, she doesn't like it, etc.
I also got my lip pierced and she saw it and completely flipped out for no reason saying basically the same things.
I went to a party at a friends, and she criticized me for drinking, not coming home until the next morning, AND (here's the part that really bothered me) she said (and I'm just barely paraphrasing here) "YOU'RE CHANGING TOO MUCH AND TURNING INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON. AND I DON'T LIKE IT." Um...what the hell does that mean!?

To put that in perspective: this is not my first tattoo, not my first piercing, not the first party I've been too. She knows this. And before I came out to her, she NEVER reacted the way she is reacting now. She has NEVER been this short with me and this critical of me for something as simple as a piercing. And she has never been this unable to let things go. I'm just putting two and two together here and assuming that it's because she knows I'm gay. But why?? I do not understand what the big deal is...is that naive of me? Any similar experiences from you guys?



So obviously, it has been two months and if my mom hasn't gotten over it now...I doubt she ever will. Do you guys agree? Or will it just take even more time than I think? But here's the thing: that really doesn't bother me anymore. I have always been closer to my dad anyway and I do love my mom, but literally every day that has passed since I came out, I have cared less and less about what she thinks and I've cared more about doing what I wanna do and what is right for me, despite her objections.

 

[dereperez]

Thanks for all the support and advice guys. It's nice to know that I'm not totally alone in my experience.

So it's been almost two months and things seem to be a little better, but not totally. Neither one of my parents have mentioned it. My dad has been the best and most loving person in this whole ordeal. My mom on the other hand...not so much.

Even though she has not mentioned it, I know it's still on her mind and it still bothers her. She complains and criticizes me about everything I do and every decision I make. She has been very short tempered and snippy with me since then, and I know my coming out is the reason. I mean, what else could it be? For example:
I got a new tattoo, and she went crazy saying that I'm going to regret them, it's ridiculous to spend money on something like that, she doesn't like it, etc.
I also got my lip pierced and she saw it and completely flipped out for no reason saying basically the same things.
I went to a party at a friends, and she criticized me for drinking, not coming home until the next morning, AND (here's the part that really bothered me) she said (and I'm just barely paraphrasing here) "YOU'RE CHANGING TOO MUCH AND TURNING INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON. AND I DON'T LIKE IT." Um...what the hell does that mean!?

To put that in perspective: this is not my first tattoo, not my first piercing, not the first party I've been too. She knows this. And before I came out to her, she NEVER reacted the way she is reacting now. She has NEVER been this short with me and this critical of me for something as simple as a piercing. And she has never been this unable to let things go. I'm just putting two and two together here and assuming that it's because she knows I'm gay. But why?? I do not understand what the big deal is...is that naive of me? Any similar experiences from you guys?



So obviously, it has been two months and if my mom hasn't gotten over it now...I doubt she ever will. Do you guys agree? Or will it just take even more time than I think? But here's the thing: that really doesn't bother me anymore. I have always been closer to my dad anyway and I do love my mom, but literally every day that has passed since I came out, I have cared less and less about what she thinks and I've cared more about doing what I wanna do and what is right for me, despite her objections.

And that's the way you should go about it, buddy. You told her who you are, and if she can't accept it, what else can you do?? Maybe she will come around (hopefully), maybe she won't. But you can hold your head up high and know that you have nothing to hide and you are who you are, and you're proud of it.

I am glad to read that things have at least been a little better overall. Maybe give it some more time and the trend will gradually continue.

 

[Darreyl102]

Keep Strong. It will get better, it will just take some time. It seems that your dad is a little more accepting of it. it might help to have him talk to you mother. I remember when I came out to my parents, my mother completely accepted it and said she already knew while my father ignored it. it was only after I had my mother talk to him that he finally came around.

 

[wikke1]

Personnaly, I also think your mom is a bit "scared", that you are really going to "change".
She (and lots of other people, myself included) hae a lot of prejudiced views on who/how gay people are...
She just has a very bad way of expressing it. I'm not saying you should bother too much about how she acts, but it still could be worth it to talk to her. Just teling her that the "changing" is ridiculous, and that you want her support.
Far too many things/feelings/expectations (especially in families) are left unspoken and hanging in the air.
Good luck and all the best!

 

[palemale]

So obviously, it has been two months and if my mom hasn't gotten over it now...I doubt she ever will. Do you guys agree? Or will it just take even more time than I think? But here's the thing: that really doesn't bother me anymore. I have always been closer to my dad anyway and I do love my mom, but literally every day that has passed since I came out, I have cared less and less about what she thinks and I've cared more about doing what I wanna do and what is right for me, despite her objections.

I'd would just say to her the following: I obviously mistook you for a mother whose main concern is the happiness of her child. I understand now that you are selfish and only concerned about yourself and how people will perceive you. But if you think I'm going to stick around and take your continued abuse, think again.