Can´t get over my ex

[absolutvodka83]

It´s been nearly 2 years since my ex dumped me and I can´t get over it,
I´ve assumed I will never see him again nor have any kind of contact, the only news I have from him it´s because of his facebook page because it used to be open...and well, I know he has a boyfriend and that he seems to be happy and that stuff... it still hurts so much... in matter of days everything changed completely...
He dumped me 3 days before Christmas while I was visiting some relatives for a few days in Italy and he took this oportunity to dump me (first by email), when I got back to London ( we were living together) the situation was far worse, because what he said in that email he sent me I had to hear it face to face, so apart from having the worst Christmas ever, we went to Paris for a few days as friends or whatsoever...but I was hoping he´d think about what he was doing anf that there would be a come-back, but in the end nothing happened...and well... I moved out from the flat we were sharing after 4 years together without knowing the exact reasons why I was dumped ( I still don´t know them) and knowing from him that he had never loved me... that was the hardest part, to hear this words coming out from his mouth, it really killed me, I can´t express with words how I felt... I promised this guy I would always love him, even asked him for a partnership ( He never said yes...) and well... I ended up leaving London...Now I live in Germany, there have been many changes in my life, new city, new friends, new job... but when it comes to love, nothing has changed, I still think of him everyday, sometimes I cry... sometimes I remember the good times... I´ve tried dating other guys, sexdates... etc... but it is just not the same... All my friends are telling me that they can´t understand how I loved him so much and that a new one will come and I will forget about him, but I can´t see this day coming... I´ve been so depressed that I lost so much weight that I had to buy new colthes because the old ones were way too big...this problem is bringing me many others and I don´t really know what else I could do as to forget about him... I know what You guys are going to say, that I should keep myself busy not to think about him, and so I do, but I still think of him, I can´t help it!!!

Any advice?

Thanks in advance!

 

[saymyname]

It sounds like you are in really rough shape. I've never experienced something to that extent - four years is a LONG time to me. Have you thought of maybe speaking to a therapist? It might help. It also sounds really messed up that he tried to dump you via email and never really explained himself - maybe you need closure. It sounds like there is a lot you haven't gotten off your chest, and it's preventing you from moving on - personally, I have a serious need too, to understand WHY, so I can see why that is bothering you. You can never totally understand (as I'm realizing), but it helps to have some kind of an idea... and to know that they know how you feel too...

 

[Horschallen]

Just keep moving on. Letting go takes time.

 

[absolutvodka83]

thought of maybe speaking to a therapist? It might help.

I did for a few months and it never really worked...

Thanks so much for Your messages guys!

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sad to hear how you were treated. It was certainly a shock that you have not gotten over. The fact that you have been wanting things to get better and the fact that you have lost a lot weight would indicate you need to see a doctor. It sounds like you are clinically depressed. If an anti-depressant is suggested it's best to see a psychiatrist, as s/he are better equipped to determine which might be the most beneficial with the least side effects. Good luck to you.

 

[rareboy]

You've been terribly wounded and are healing slowly.

I have some difficulty accepting that you don't still understand why your bf dumped you.

I think you do, but you are resisting accepting it.

If you set aside the emotional aspects and focus on the logical, I'll bet you could make "a list of the ten reasons my bf broke up with me."

Some of them may point to mistakes you made along the way, or just simply things that you couldn't change about the circumstances or yourself at the time. Other reasons may be directly related to defects of your bf's character or mistakes that your bf made.

I think that some of them are even implicit and explicit in your original post.

The question is, can you come to terms with the idea that you both failed in your relationship and then sweep it away?

It really does require you to accept some of the responsibility as well. And you're more than allowed to think of your ex as an asshole of the first order, because from where I sit, the way he broke up and the timing of the break-up ranks right up there with classic asshole moves.

And now you actually have worked yourself into a state of depression. As others have said, you likely need help to get you back to full emotional health. Back to counselling and definitely consider a short term SRI therapy as well.

It may take you a little longer, but if you are committed to success, you will leave this behind and emerge even stronger and happier.

 

[modernaire]

"How do you mend a broken heart?" One of life's eternal questions.

Reading your post, I can't help but relate. Was seeing this jerk for 4 years off and on and he decided to break it off with me in a club. Also discovered he had a bf at some point. I wasn't really shocked, moreso embarrassed at having my feelings totally disregarded...and the fact that I was crying....in the club...in the cab ride back to his place....in the living room at his place..in his arms as I slept in his bed that night. It was all kinds of horrible and traumatic and 2 years later, I still have some anger left over from the situation. Thought I was done with him until the evil that is facebook kept us connected and I got to see him living life as if I never existed (pictures with other guys...why would I wanna subject myself to that?) I know now that friendships with exes or guys I've dated don't work for me. They just remind me of past failures and prolong the "getting over it" process. His only explanation was that "I'm fucked up" which did nothing to help me understand what had occured. Not having a real answer makes it hard to move on, but not impossible. It takes time to accept the fact that sometimes you won't get an answer. Honestly, there is nothing he could possibly say to make you feel any better. You are officailly a part of his past and you have to work at making him a part of yours and live in the present.

As for therapy, you need to shop around so to speak. You're not going to have success with every therapist out there but if peace of mind is what you seek, don't be so quick to give up the search. I hope this helps in some way. I hate to see people in this situation, but only you have the power to resolve it.

 

[slnattak]

Poor gay men and their 13-year-old girl feelings. It's so tragic.

I'm sorry your heart is broken but so is mine...

I just think you have to start talking about how your life can improve, and aiming for the solutions.

Love will happen again. Don't worry about that. Love finds you. I mean, I just don't see how it's helpful to marinate in your feelings like this though. What would Larry Kramer say if he saw you acting like this? My 3-year-old niece has more constitution. You're better than this , no guy is worth it.

 

[saymyname]

Poor gay men and their 13-year-old girl feelings. It's so tragic.

I'm sorry your heart is broken but so is mine...

I just think you have to start talking about how your life can improve, and aiming for the solutions.

Love will happen again. Don't worry about that. Love finds you. I mean, I just don't see how it's helpful to marinate in your feelings like this though. What would Larry Kramer say if he saw you acting like this? My 3-year-old niece has more constitution. You're better than this , no guy is worth it.

What the hell, man? Try to have some sensitivity. I don't see how acting like his feelings are invalid is going to help at all.

 

[slnattak]

I'm trying to. But I can't.

If you think your problems are bad, a person I considered to be my soulmate just got locked up in prison for the rest of his life. My love wasn't enough to save him. He took too many dark turns.

But I can't cry or whine about it. What will that solve? People just make their own choices and you have to matched with people who want the same things as you do, and if that includes complaining on internet message boards, that's what you get.

People can't deal with your pain because they're too busy trying to deal with their own. Everybody has a story that will break your heart. But I think what 'life is' is keep trying and keep going besides that....

What more do you want me to say? How is being sensitive gonna help here? The problems I faced was because I was too sensitive.

 

[saymyname]

Okay, this may come as a shock to you, but this thread is not about you or your problems.

 

[slnattak]

Why are you being so mean?

I know it's not but I'm sharing my heart with him and letting him know that everybody has pain and there are so many things that just aren't in our control.... and it all comes down to human drama and needing to be loved.

He wants advice from something only he can deal with himself....once again he's giving up his own power to an external source. That's really the issue here, as everybody would have a conflicting opinion on what he 'should' do about his own mess. What works for him is something he has to figure out.

 

[modernaire]

god, slnattak...could you be more of an ass?

I'm all for brutal honesty, but you're just being rude.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to agree with Rareboy.

Yes time will mend your feelings, but not if you obsess.

You have to accept that your relationship didn't work and wasn't going to. There is no set of circumstances under which it would have worked, you weren't compatible. Otherwise you'd still be together.

Focus on that, stop looking at his face book, and whatever else you might be doing to keep tabs on him. You don't do yourself any favors by coming across as the jilted wilted flower still crying years later. You don't want to be Miss Havisham. That's not pretty.

Stop thinking of this a tragedy, focus on the fact that you got out of something that was only going to tank.

I'd be a lot more sympathetic if this was two months after the breakup, but it's two years out - that's a lot of time to be mourning someone who didn't love you in the first place.

You are never going to get a satisfactory answer for why. Let it go.

Like I said, time will heal, but you have to put in the work to make that happen. Distract yourself, if you find yourself thinking about him. Don't keep tabs on him. Get out of your house, do something else, hell do someone else.

You won't find someone who will love you if you're carrying all this ancient baggage.

 

[heartfly77]

Been there. Done that. When I finally got over it: I decided to love myself and know my self worth.

Same thing happened to me. My first love. It was long-distance so that in itself was difficult. But after one trip to see me, he simply stopped calling me or returning my calls. I was devastated. I kept calling and thinking how I couldn't live without him. I had loved him so much and did not know what to do. It hurt more that he wouldn't give me a reason. Finally he talked to me and told me that he realized he was really straight and he didn't have the heart to say goodbye.

I finally got over it and moved on with my life. I realized that no one was that important that they could keep me from living my life. So I started over and I loved myself back the same way I had loved him. I did things for me. I know it is a cliche but people can't love you until you love yourself first. And life has been good since. I will always remember that relationship but I will remember it for the good things and not the bad.

 

[TX-Beau]

Now that sounds like good advice.