can friendship overcome parental beliefs

[SilverRRCloud]

Look, we all come in packages. Some are neatly packed, the others are more on a battered side. Once you make your pick, you've got to stick with your choice. Like you say, you are both rednecks (and I guess, you sure love it that way, too). So, you have got to take all that comes with that territory. If you really wanted more of the gay acceptance, you'd be gracing the Castro or WeHo or SoHo kinda place with your presence. Rite?

Now, back to the issue at hand. Take it very easy and be equally careful. Getting a black eye out of it is not going to make this world any better a place, is it? Start talking with your friend. Ask him, if he really thinks all the attitudes expressed by his parents are fine with him? Is he agreeing, coz this is the part of his (and partly yours) cherished image or is he in agreement with them, coz he shares in their highly doubtful values?

He'll open up and soon spill his beans. If he confesses to being in real agreement with his old folks, you have got to move on and make new friends somewhere else. If he admits to having second thoughts and sees most of it as an empty posture, start slowly taking him into your world.

SC

 

[Eagle653]

If you value that culture, that life, and that friend, your only real option is to keep your mouth shut. While doing otherwise might give momentary satisfaction, it is you who will lose in the long run.

On the other hand, they'll ask soon enough. Unless your are proving your manhood in their face--and bragging about it--they will suspect you quickly. Especially is you're blowing off chances to meet buddy-boy's babes. I can hear him ask you if you're gay or something.

Good luck!

 

[jockboy01]

Yeah, I would say in that situation you should keep quiet. I've found that some people's minds are made up and solidly against homosexuality. No use trying to change them. If you like that life... wow, that's hard. I guess you could leave it temporarily and go to a more homo-friendly place, find a bf and then move back. But not sure how well that would work out either.

 

[thermodynamics]

Yeah, probably best to stay quiet on this one. As much as I don't want to admit it.

 

[slobone]

You haven't said if your friend agrees with his parent's point of view. Next time one of them makes an anti-gay or racist remark, ask him about it privately. "What do you think of what your father said?"

Hopefully he'll say, "I love my old man, but he's full of shit when it comes to that kind of stuff." If he does, that'll give you a better idea of whether it's safe to come out to him.

If, on the other hand, he says, "I thought it was right on," you might want to start looking for a new friend (or even thinking about moving away). An old bigot is bad enough, but life is too short to waste time with a young one.

 

[Kulindahr]

Lots of good advice there!

If there's an opening, a good way to open the question is to ask something like, "Have you ever found you liked something, without deciding to, or wanting to? you just liked it?" Most people can relate to that, I think. I like to use chocolate as an example -- I just found I liked chocolate; I never thought about it or planned it or chose it, I just ate some and I liked it. In the same way I never planned or decided to or chose to like guys; it just happened, and there it is.

But I suspect that in the end you'll have to leave the place and find a new life and new friends. I can tell you that isn't easy; when I started telling people I like dudes, I lost almost all my friends -- in a fairly redneck town . But it's worth it!

 

[Soilwork]

I'm in shock that this man has come here and been told to just leave well enough alone.

Dude.. sorry, I'm going to be the disenter here.

Yeah, it may make life harder for you in some ways, but I think in the long run, truth is better than lies and living life on your own terms is always the best thing for you in the end.

I say tell your friend and not his parents.. I mean, they're not your friends, are they?

 

[CaptainJohn]

Tell him!

And then the redneck friend will go straight home and tell his redneck parents who will tell him to "stay the fuck away from that goddam faggot before he makes you queer, too" and then they will tell everyone they know and you've outed yourself to the entire town.

Being in redneck country, you can also expect to be harrassed by other rednecks determined to prove how straight they are, your truck will most likely be vandalized ("fag" or "faggot" keyed into the paint, flat tires, etc), and nobody will want anything to do with you for fear of being called queer themselves.

Go for it!

 

[CaptainJohn]

Actually, none of us really know enough about your situation. You're the only one who can make the call whether your friend(s) or community would be able to deal with your sexuality. Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[JayHew]

It will be a difficult thing for your friend to do. Humans as with most other animals do have an imprinting that takes place while growing up and it very much reflects the attitudes and emotions of one's parents and social group. It can be overcome with reasoning and logic, but it will always be there. Most I know don't overcome it or change it easily or never even attempt to.

Granted with your friend it may be an unfair assumption to feel he will be the same as the rest of his family, but in the general scheme of things, it will be at least 95% or so correct.

It would be best to use subject items to feel him out about his attitudes concerning various things, ie, news stories concerning homosexuality, race, etc. Do it in neutral setting, without parents or family around, thus you get the chance to see "his" take on things.

But I most certainly won't jump right out there and create a world of poop for yourself or questioning of your sexual idenity. You will have to do something soon though with his wanting you to date his girlfriend's friends and you saying no all the time. If you don't, it will come up at some point and overall, people will question why someone young and (assumed) good looking doesn't have a girlfriend, etc.

Good luck.

 

[Riverrick]

Gee, I'm pretty surprised also that everyone advises you to stay in the closet. I think if you are asking the question in the first place, then you want to come out and have already decided that it isn't obviously dangerous to do so.

I don't think there are many situations that exist that are better for us as closeted individuals than being out and honest. If you stay in the closet, your friendship with this guy will suffer. No doubt about it. So what's the risk of coming out? That your friendship with this guy will suffer. And at least this way there is some doubt.

If you have maintained a friendship with him, then he cares about you at some level and I find it hard to believe he will harm you. Trust your gut.

 

[jockboy01]

Dude.. sorry, I'm going to be the disenter here.

Yeah, it may make life harder for you in some ways, but I think in the long run, truth is better than lies and living life on your own terms is always the best thing for you in the end.

I'm shocked... Soilwork telling you to come out?!?! OMG. J/k.

In the end, only you can make the decision based on your relationship with your friend whether or not to tell him. And not even you can be 100 percent sure of his reaction until you actually do the deed. And I agree with riverrick that you run the risk either way of damaging the friendship. But I have friends who don't know that I'm still extremely close to and it hasn't affected us at all. And of the few friends I have told, it hasn't affected it either (in either direction despite hearing stories of making you closer friends). Each person is different as is each situation. We're just giving you advice based on what you post... and I still think based on the little info here, that not telling is a prudent move. But what do I know.

 

[Kulindahr]

In small towns, especially the redneck variety, it can be more than just the friendship that's at stake. If he tells the parents, and they tell someone else, the whole town will know before you get home from telling him. And then...

no more jobs
no more school sports
slashed tires
beatings

On the other hand... I know of a case where a dude in a redneck (lumber) town came out to his best friend, they got drunk together, the best friend slept on it and decided it was kool... and after that, anyone who had anything bad to say had to deal with the best friend, and the other buddies the best friend convinced to stand up for the dude. And some people in town thought about it, and the town changed -- just a little -- for the better.


I don't know which sort your town is; only you can even guess, which might be all you can do. It comes down to one big question: can you trust this friend to keep his mouth shut if you ask him to? and the only way to know that is to know him, AND to know in general his feelings about the subject.

BTW -- when I told my best buddy, he said at first he was okay with it, even though he still thought it was wrong, because I was his bud. Then he went through a period of avoiding me before things were good again. Since then he has better periods and worse ones, but we're still buds.

 

[Muskox]

As most people have pointed out, you're the only one who can really decide what the best course is for you. My (stereotyped) understanding of redneck towns is that it is unususual for a gay man to be fully accepted in town. Whowever, you can be sure that you're not alone there. There are other, closeted gays around you. Coming out in your town may educate the whole place and be beneficial for others, but it will take a lot of strength and grit on your part and you may not get anything for your trouble but a beating and a lot of heartache.

The real question for you is, what do you want your life to be in five or ten years? Do you want to just have some kick-ass buddies and no sex life? Then you're provbably in the right place. If you want to be open and truthful about yourself and have the opportunity to have an intimate relationship with another man, you probably need to consider moving.

Also, don't forget that there is a definite gay subculture that displays a very redneck lifestyle. Perhaps that's where you belong.