Can't Find My Place in the World

[WhatSound]

I’ve always felt at odds with the world. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. I’ve never found my footing or my call in life. As far back as I can remember I’ve never felt comfortable with who I am. I can never feel truly happy or relaxed. I would love to wake up tomorrow as someone else, someone who's confident and intelligent. There are days when I hate myself so much. I never feel good enough.

I’ve watched my friends graduate from university, start careers and find partners. I went to uni but dropped out because it didn’t feel right. I remember watching other students enjoying themselves, but I felt like shit to the point that I locked myself in my room for two days before asking my dad to pick me up. I did some travelling after I’d left, but I still couldn’t feel happy or relaxed.

I feel lost. I don’t know what I want to do in life or where I want to go. It’s ok to feel like that in your teens and early 20s, but it's worrying now that I'm in my early 30s. Over the last four years, several family members have passed away. It feels like I'm running out of time. I know my grandma was disappointed that I hadn't got myself sorted out before she died. I wish I knew what I want to do. It would have been nice if it was as easy as going to university, graduating, finding a job and settling down with a partner. Millions of young people do that every year, so I don't know why I'm finding it hard to navigate my way through life.

A few months ago someone asked me what I want to do with my life, but I sat there in silence unable to answer. I haven’t got a fucking clue. In all honesty, I don’t see myself with a good job, a house and a family. I don’t see myself living a normal life. I feel no excitement for the future. My parents are worried and other people have written me off as a no-hoper. Maybe I’m just destined to be one of those fuck ups that every family has. You know, these people that life trips up and they spend their entire life falling over.

I have days when I think about ending my life. Sometimes the feelings are strong and other times I can ignore them. I’ve been battling depression and low self-esteem for a few years now and have let it get the best of me. Looking back, I was struggling with depression and low self-esteem in high school but didn't seek help until I was in my 20s.

I hit 32 this year and need to sort my life out. I have nothing to show for the last five years. I have done nothing with my life. I don’t even feel like me anymore. I look at pictures from when I was 21 and it's like I’m looking at a stranger. I know people change a lot from their early 20s to early 30s, but I just don’t recognise myself anymore.

I sometimes think about going back to university to try and build a life for myself. If I do go back, I will have to move somewhere else in the country where I can do the course. I can’t help but think that I’m a too old to be moving to university with people in their teens and early 20s. It’s like being the oldest kid at summer camp. I just feel a bit sad that old friends and most of the people I know did it years ago.

The other thing I’m worried about is graduating. I know that's years off yet, but I can’t help but think that employers are going to be put off hiring me because of my age. After all, I’m going to be competing with people in their early 20s. I doubt many employers would employ a 37-year-old at graduate level when they can employ someone who is 21 or 22. I’m going to be 15 years behind everyone else. Usually, people have worked their way up in their careers by 35 and aren't starting out at the bottom. The other thing is regarding getting a mortgage. If I manage to get a good job after graduating, I’m probably not going to be able to get a mortgage until I’m in my 40s. I’m going to be paying it off until I'm in my 70s or 80s. I can’t help but think that I’ve fucked things up irreversibly.

This post is longer than I expected, I apologise. I think Christmas is making me feel even more melancholic. My doctor put my mood down to the seasons. He said it's the cold weather that's making me feel like shit. I’m not sure he believes how bad I sometimes feel. I think I've reached a point where I need to do something. I doubt I will be sat here next year if I can't figure things out. I'm not sure what I'm expecting by posting this. I guess I needed to get if off my chest, but it would be nice to hear from people who have been in the same boat or still are.

Thank you for reading.

Merry Christmas.

 

[DaggyG]

Hi WhatSound, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. It may not mean much, but consider how self-aware that you are (you seem to know yourself pretty well). I know it doesn't feel like it, but isn't self-awareness something so much better than a degree?

 

[Seasoned]

This is going to be quick and to the point. Find a university, college or educational psychologist to take interest and aptitude tests. Don't just start school without a focus. Additionally, you may want to discuss your issues with your doctor. You could be suffering from depression and your doctor may want to refer you to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

You're already on your way to a move satisfying life now that you have some motivation to make changes that will affect your future.

 

[Telstra]

This is going to be quick and to the point. Find a university, college or educational psychologist to take interest and aptitude tests. Don't just start school without a focus. Additionally, you may want to discuss your issues with your doctor. You could be suffering from depression and your doctor may want to refer you to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

You're already on your way to a move satisfying life now that you have some motivation to make changes that will affect your future.

Yes, don't start going to school again without knowing what you want to do after.
Whats the point of keep going to school until you are into your 30s and 40s and not working.

 

[tarallucci]

Hi.

Do you have hobbies? Something you're good at? There are people who quit school early and have a job because that was what they wanted to do, not everyone follows a prearranged path. There are unskilled labors, part time jobs, volunteering and maybe you could help your parents. That would distract you from feeling down and would make them happy. I know it's hard for everyone nowadays with the unemployment, young and old, with a degree or without so don't think that it's too late for you... It's good to make plans but don't focus on how the future will be if you don't find a job, force yourself to act now. I am sure there is something you like and that you have qualities... please share more information so I can suggest specifically

Merry Christmas

 

[jayboy]

Hello WhatSound.
For someone as the same age as me, I know how you feel. The difference with me is the constant battle with not being able to honest with people about my sexuality. I have denied who I am in order to fit in to my all straight environment.
There is a condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SADS) which affects people during the dark winter months, although I don't know much more about it.
I know I am struggling to decide what I want to do as I can't get close to people for the fear of my secret getting out. As Tarallucci says can you think of anything in the past where you thought, Yes I'm good at this. It may be a good place to start.

 

[KaraBulut]

...Additionally, you may want to discuss your issues with your doctor. You could be suffering from depression and your doctor may want to refer you to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

^QFT

What you're describing is referred to by a catch-all medical term: "dysthymia".

The first step is to see your doctor to rule out a physical cause for your symptoms- several medical conditions can cause symptoms similar to depression.

Once a physical condition has been ruled out, then you should see a therapist to determine the appropriate treatment for your depression.

 

[WhatSound]

Thank you for being nice. I re-read my original post and thought I came across like I needed a kick up the arse.

Today has been shit. I had a massive row with my parents this morning. They were out all day visiting family while I was alone. I ended up going for a long walk for several hours this evening. I took eight packets of tablets with me as well as a letter to my parents and my sister. I was thinking of finding somewhere quiet and taking the tablets but obviously didn't do it.

I’ve always been heavy-hearted and quite sensitive. I tend to feel things more than a lot of the people I know. I’m not saying I walk around in a horrible, nasty mood, but I’ve always been a bit melancholic even as a kid. I wish I didn't take things to heart all of the time. I wish I could let them go over my head.

It's hard ignoring people who tell you you're not good enough over and over again. I remember overhearing an old friend calling me worthless. I also remember the boyfriend of another old friend laughing in my face when I talked about doing something. I guess people’s perceptions of me being a loser have rubbed off on me.

I remember someone at work calling me weird. I laughed it off, but it hurt. I don’t understand why I’m weird. I get on with most people. I'm polite and pleasant. My cousin called me a weirdo because I get nervous in large crowds. I just wish there was a reboot button that I could press.

I envy a guy I know so much. He's confident, tall, good-looking, has a great job, makes friends wherever he goes and recently got engaged to his long-term partner. No one's life is perfect, but he seems happy and content. He's one of those lucky people that I wonder what it must be like to be.

Hi WhatSound, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. It may not mean much, but consider how self-aware that you are (you seem to know yourself pretty well). I know it doesn't feel like it, but isn't self-awareness something so much better than a degree?

Thank you, but I'm not sure if self-awareness is enough to get me through life.

This is going to be quick and to the point. Find a university, college or educational psychologist to take interest and aptitude tests. Don't just start school without a focus. Additionally, you may want to discuss your issues with your doctor. You could be suffering from depression and your doctor may want to refer you to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

You're already on your way to a move satisfying life now that you have some motivation to make changes that will affect your future.

I will ring the doctor’s surgery on Monday. I will try and get an appointment to see a doctor who is supposed to be great. I will be completely honest with him about everything. The interest and aptitude test is a good idea.

Hi.

Do you have hobbies? Something you're good at? There are people who quit school early and have a job because that was what they wanted to do, not everyone follows a prearranged path. There are unskilled labors, part time jobs, volunteering and maybe you could help your parents. That would distract you from feeling down and would make them happy. I know it's hard for everyone nowadays with the unemployment, young and old, with a degree or without so don't think that it's too late for you... It's good to make plans but don't focus on how the future will be if you don't find a job, force yourself to act now. I am sure there is something you like and that you have qualities... please share more information so I can suggest specifically

Merry Christmas

I have things I enjoy (music, photography, cinema) but find myself losing interest in them more and more. I know that will probably change when I get help with my mood. My dad retired a few weeks ago, but he wasn't particularly interested in letting me help out when he was working. I enjoy walking my sister's dog, but I can't do it all the time.

Hello WhatSound.
For someone as the same age as me, I know how you feel. The difference with me is the constant battle with not being able to honest with people about my sexuality. I have denied who I am in order to fit in to my all straight environment.
There is a condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SADS) which affects people during the dark winter months, although I don't know much more about it.
I know I am struggling to decide what I want to do as I can't get close to people for the fear of my secret getting out. As Tarallucci says can you think of anything in the past where you thought, Yes I'm good at this. It may be a good place to start.

I don't think the winter months are to blame for my mood. I feel bad all year round. I like the winter, always have done. I've spent years putting on a fake smile, so I don't think people know how bad I feel. I think the doctor thought I was being over dramatic or looking for attention. He was pretty dismissive about it when I brought it up.

I haven’t come out as gay to anyone in my life. I think some people know I am, but they haven’t said anything. To be honest, I’ve been having a hard time with my sexuality ever since I turned 30. It’s funny, I never used to think about it when I was in my 20s, but over the last year and a half, I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with being gay. It’s almost like I’ve started to mourn the straight life I will never have. I guess it’s because I’m at the age where a lot of guys I know have found girlfriends and wives and are beginning to settle down. I’ve realised that I will never have the life they have.

^QFT

What you're describing is referred to by a catch-all medical term: "dysthymia".

The first step is to see your doctor to rule out a physical cause for your symptoms- several medical conditions can cause symptoms similar to depression.

Once a physical condition has been ruled out, then you should see a therapist to determine the appropriate treatment for your depression.

I've been Googling Dysthymia. I will ask my doctor about it next week.

 

[eastofeden]

I am going to echo talking to a doctor about it. I think you could benefit greatly from a complete medical diagnosis and then some therapy....

I hope you have some success...you can overcome this.....believe it!

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Dear WhatSound,


Please read this 'advice' from someone who has been where you are and is slightly older.

I'm six years older than you and I never never found my place in the world. Not one that I could stay in for any length of time, at any rate.
You don't sound sure that you want to go back to college. It may not be a good idea for you to do it at this point.

I went back to college at age 26 until about age 31 and although I'm glad I have that experience under my belt, I didn't come away with the diploma I was after. I let my parents pay for most of it and shacked up with a guy I loved but wasn't really compatible with -still do although were not together anymore- to make things easier. I tried to push my round self into a square hole of the same surface area (or really lack thereof) and the price that I paid for it was quite horrific.

I did love the subject I studied, I just happened to have bitten off much more than I could chew with that course and I just ran out of steam -and money- when I failed to complete a three year course in five years. I still have PTSD like symptoms because of some of the things I willfully put myself through in that first year twelve years ago now.

My story is much longer and not entirely relevant to your situation, however, going back to college severely compromised my financial situation for years and 8 years later I still haven't recovered. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it, but it cost money, time and self-esteem that I am never getting back. I also beat up my sister once... because of the stress... and had to move out of my ex's house early because we got in an argument because I couldn't find a new job in Amsterdam (I'd had at least a dozen during our relationship).

So what am I saying? If I were you I'd go out into the world and experience life.

Don't try to force yourself into some kind of mold that you don't fit into, because your subconscious will likely take over and hurt you and the people around you just to get your attention.


Love, Harke

 

[PalacePaul]

Hi WhatSound,
I can somewhat relate to what you feel. I changed my career, spent 3 years abroad for further studies, then came back home without a degree and here I am still in the music school at age 32. I feel so out of place there, sourrounded by 18-22-year-old kids...
As Harke said, the most important part is experiencing life and what it has to offer. During the journey you may realise that you are a "weird one" and you'll never follow the standard path. The price you have to pay is feeling odd and -sometimes- being treated as such. But you can be proud of being free. That's my best experience.

(I wish I could explain myself better, but you get it )

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

^

Being around the 18 year-olds stops being unbearably awful when you reach the second year and they do a little growing up of their own.

The really painful bit was handing over my financial independence. My profit on it is that I now know what it means to make a sacrifice like that.

 

[PalacePaul]

Being around cute 18-year-olds was never unbearably awful

 

[tarallucci]

Hey WhatSound, how are you?

Have you been to the employment office of your town to see whether there is a government plan for a temporary job. It's not much, in fact I subscribed and it's pretty useless but I know that it worked for some people. Another general advice I can give is that when I have many days "off" I try to get up early to do the houseworks just to keep me busy.

Do you have a driving license?

 

[WhatSound]

I went to see a doctor who has put me back on Citalopram (20 mg) even though I told him it did nothing for me the last time I took it. He also said he's going to send me to see a therapist who takes no nonsense and is good at telling people a few home truths. I know there are people out there who are having a tougher time than I am. I'm aware that I don't have any reason to feel like this. I can't help it. I would love to wave a magic wand and be "normal".

I have another appointment with my doctor on Friday. He's told me to write down three things that stress me out and three examples of when I last felt truly happy. To be honest, I found the guy condescending and smug. He sat back in his chair and looked me up and down several times which made me uncomfortable. He's a few years younger than me and probably wonders why I haven't got my shit together. I also sat there in silence when he asked the inevitable question about what I want to do with my life. I felt like I couldn't talk to him. I'll see how things go.

My sleep pattern is messed up. I've been awake for over 24 hours now. I used to take Olanzapine but my doctor took me off it because it knocked me out for 18 hours at a time. I have an interview on Wednesday and need to look at least semi-decent.

 

[eastofeden]

I went to see a doctor who has put me back on Citalopram (20 mg) even though I told him it did nothing for me the last time I took it. He also said he's going to send me to see a therapist who takes no nonsense and is good at telling people a few home truths. I know there are people out there who are having a tougher time than I am. I'm aware that I don't have any reason to feel like this. I can't help it. I would love to wave a magic wand and be "normal".

I have another appointment with my doctor on Friday. He's told me to write down three things that stress me out and three examples of when I last felt truly happy. To be honest, I found the guy condescending and smug. He sat back in his chair and looked me up and down several times which made me uncomfortable. He's a few years younger than me and probably wonders why I haven't got my shit together. I also sat there in silence when he asked the inevitable question about what I want to do with my life. I felt like I couldn't talk to him. I'll see how things go.

My sleep pattern is messed up. I've been awake for over 24 hours now. I used to take Olanzapine but my doctor took me off it because it knocked me out for 18 hours at a time. I have an interview on Wednesday and need to look at least semi-decent.

Congratulations!!! I am delighted to hear you took this step!

I have to tell you...brutal honesty was one of THE KEYS for me to overcome most of what ailed me. I know it is different for everyone...what works...but brutal honesty is something I appreciate when I need to deal with something. I use it on myself to in order to kick my own ass...and it is a great tool for maintenance.

 

[loaded]

WhatSound,

It's really good to see an update from you, I am very glad you did not end your life last week. I hope that despite the row with your parents, you were able to enjoy at least part of the festive season and I want to wish you happiness in this new year.

Your recognition that there is no reason for you to feel low means that medication and even behavior therapy has a good chance of making a difference but having no faith in your care providers may limit the effectiveness of the remedies. Maintain an open mind and give them time and a chance to succeed but if things don't improve, you can always ask for a second opinion. Plenty of people have written, on JUB and elsewhere on the web, about their experiences with depression and if you take a look, you can see easily that you are far from alone.

Your doctor asked you to remember occasions when you were truly happy. You should also remember hobbies and activities which you have enjoyed in the past and try spending time on them. Take part in the discussions on JUB or other forums that cater to your interests; I am sure you will become popular here and make lots of friends. Anything that can distract you from feeling sorry for yourself will be helpful. Small steps can lead to big progress.

Good luck with the interview but please remember that 1) an interview is just one step in the selection process, 2) you are obviously good enough or you wouldn't have made it this far and 3) there is always an element of luck. You write very well, by the way, you should definitely make use of that skill. Even if you don't get an offer this time, there's another opportunity waiting for you to find. Try not to worry about it; I know it is easier said than done but anxiety makes it hard to sleep.

I noticed that you have not activated the private message feature. Is that deliberate? Some members may wish to contact you.

 

[KaraBulut]

I went to see a doctor who has put me back on Citalopram (20 mg) even though I told him it did nothing for me the last time I took it.

Antidepressants are a very inexact science. It can take several weeks for the medication to work. It often takes several tries with different medications to find the one that works for you. Don't give up just because a particular medication doesn't work for you and be assertive with your physician about changing the medication if it isn't working for you.