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Can't get a legitimate date!

MindBlast

MindBlast

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Okay, so I've now had THREE occasions where guys I've talked to online have totally flaked out on me. We even set up specific times and locations to meet.

In two of the instances, the guys didn't return any calls or messages the day of to confirm the location (because we hadn't set it yet) but we had set the time. They also never returned any subsequent calls.

The third guy talked to me solid every afternoon for 3 days, wanted to meet so bad (mind you he was the one who messaged me first, not vise versa), then today all of a sudden no messages or calls (even though he promised he would call me today at a specific time, 6 PM), and we're supposed to meet tomorrow morning at 9 AM at his place, and he promised he'd give me the address before Saturday (it's Friday night almost midnight and I don't have it yet). I left a message politely asking where we were going to meet tomorrow. No response.

What is with the silent treatment? Is it something I'm doing wrong? And these are guys who are interested in me allegedly, not ones who I'm chasing after. That makes it even more weird! I feel crazy. Is something wrong with me? Why do guys do this to me?
 
I doubt you're doing anything wrong.

My brief impression of you from online is that you have an above average physique, look, career, and intellect combined with an overall lack of self-conscious bullshit or feeling of superiority.

This is fascinating to people who don't necessarily have that combination, or at least the self-confidence in what they do have, and who "think they can't have you." But probably overwhelming to them when you actually give them the time of day. So, flaky people are flakes. They get intimidated, and then it gets weird.

Oh, and how old are these people? Anyone under 30 these days is hopeless at planning anything because they assume they can just figure it out by text message 15 minutes before you're supposed to meet.
 
Online guys can be flakey. You just happened to get three in a row. It happens.
 
bankside said:
Oh, and how old are these people? Anyone under 30 these days is hopeless at planning anything because they assume they can just figure it out by text message 15 minutes before you're supposed to meet.
Click to expand...

They're all under 30 or close to 30. Usually between 24-32. I'm 27 myself.

The thing is, they don't even return the text messages that I send very close to (and past) the meeting time. I don't spam. I send 1-2 messages and wait. If I receive no response 30 minutes past the meeting time we agreed upon, I give up. I'm still willing to give them a chance even after that if they get back to me, but they don't! It's maddening.

What the hell happened to common courtesy? I would like to tell them that "If you're not interested, you can just fucking say so!" It would be a lot easier for me. It would also be dumb if they're not interested since they're the ones who contacted me! What the fuck!?

I just don't get it.

EDIT: I live in Edmonton if that has any bearing on things. I think it might.
 
Dunno. I live in Edmonton too but I don't really know "the scene" here. I met my guy 13 years ago, but I was still in Calgary when we met, and we got to know each other commuting & online when IRC was still state of the art. Since then we've been working hard and have kind of dropped out of sight, which I'm not entirely happy with actually.

The only thing I've noticed about the social scene here is that there are 20 ways for us to fuck a stranger if we wanted to (there's an app for that), but very few opportunities just to meet people socially. So maybe Edmonton has social limits no matter what you're trying to accomplish.

My sister is 27 and based on the texting and planning skills of her same-age friends, that factor could play a part. But I'm not sure that's the issue here either.

Uhhhh. Anyway, three people in a row mention flakes and they aren't talking about you. Maybe if you have 3 guys saying hello only try making plans with the best prospect? Otherwise just chalk it up to flakes and don't assume it's you.

...Unless!

(edit)
Mindblast: ...Yeah, that sounds great. Let's get together on the weekend.
Guy: I'd love to. I'll text you on the weekend after w--
--Mindblast: Cause the new Smurfs movie came out and we can go watch it together....I haven't watched it with anyone else yet. How many times have you seen it?
Guy: Umm, I haven't had a chance to--
--Mindblast: I've seen it 9 times so far. But I've also ripped it so if you'd rather stay in we could watch it on my TV. It's a huge TV. I call it Papa Smurf, it's so big. Do you have a costume too? Actually that sounds kind of fun, if we both dressed up.
Guy: Dress--
--Mindblast: Yeah, so text me and hopefully we'll have no hassles with my neighbour - I call him Gargamel so that just about says it all!!! Anyway, text me!
Click to expand...
 
MindBlast said:
What the hell happened to common courtesy? I would like to tell them that "If you're not interested, you can just fucking say so!" It would be a lot easier for me. It would also be dumb if they're not interested since they're the ones who contacted me! What the fuck!?
Click to expand...

The internet happened to common courtesy. These guys have forgotten that at the other side of the computer screen resides a person of flesh, blood, intelligence and emotions. And when a person is reduced to nothing more than a bunch of pixels and letters on a screen, it's easy to stop talking or to be rude. And that's a sad development.

For the record, I'd be thrilled if I had a date with you and flaking out would definitely not be part of the deal.
 
I have to agree with the others. There are many flakes out there. No-shows, no-responders, no social skills.

My bf and I are always commiserating about how awful people's etiquette is nowadays.

Rarely is anything planned ahead of time, and even if it is on rare occasions, guys have absolutely no qualms about ditching you for something more interesting at the last moment.
 
Lube said:
guys have absolutely no qualms about ditching you for something more interesting at the last moment.
Click to expand...

Yes, one eye seems constantly on the door, waiting for something better (read: different!) to walk in. And this is just as true in bars as on the internet, and from what I've read it's by no means a new phenomenon either.

But those who are always waiting for something better will eventually be left alone, because 'better' has passed them by while they were looking the other way.
 
treanir said:
The internet happened to common courtesy. These guys have forgotten that at the other side of the computer screen resides a person of flesh, blood, intelligence and emotions. And when a person is reduced to nothing more than a bunch of pixels and letters on a screen, it's easy to stop talking or to be rude. And that's a sad development.
Click to expand...

^^This.

A decade ago, guys were complaining about guys they met in a bar, danced with, went home with and then never heard from again. At least then it could be blamed on the alcohol.

With the internet, it's very easy to lose perspective that it's a real person and it's also much easier to pretend that you're someone you're not. An in-person meeting forces them to fess up that the picture they sent you was from 5 years ago.

There's just no replacement for meeting people in person and where possible- meeting friends of friends so that you can get a character reference before you waste time figuring out they're a flake.

If it's any consolation, it's also tough for those of us who are always trying to fix our friends up with nice guys. The nice ones don't say single for very long. I often think to myself, "If only he didn't live in Edmondton, he'd be perfect for..."
 
I think some guys play online, meaning not all are free, not all are thruthful about their age or looks. It's a way to flirt, but can't go anywhere because flirting is all they ever intended. Perhaps is time to try the opposite tact and only respond to the guys you've approached.
 
Some of them also might have been fakers. Retreating at the last moment, because the person that you would have met would have been pretty different. All in all it is not worth too much thought. It's the downside of online dating. But you are kinda doing it right already - meet the people in person asap.
 
Corny said:
Some of them also might have been fakers. Retreating at the last moment, because the person that you would have met would have been pretty different. All in all it is not worth too much thought. It's the downside of online dating. But you are kinda doing it right already - meet the people in person asap.
Click to expand...

The logic failure must be immense. I mean what could possess a guy to pretend to be someone he's not?

It sure sucks. You guys are right though. It doesn't seem to be worth much thought, but it does bother me to some degree. Oh well. Nothing I can really do.
 
Get off the 'net for dating, and into gay clubs, coffee houses, libraries, work associates, random encounters, etc... to find your men. I found my partner at the doctor's office.
 
I've been through strings of flakey dates also and it pains me cuz I am a bit OCD. Look at it a bit more positively Mindblast. If they flake out, they don't deserve you. You didn't do anything wrong. I do feel there are a higher percentage of "crazies" on the internet than IRL due to being anonymous. I met my BF through a friend.
 
lucky7 said:
Gay clubs for dating?? LOL

Anyways.. nothing wrong with the net for dating. It's convenient and it's great as long as it's not your ONLY source.

As for as MindBlast's problem.. you're not doing anything wrong. People are just flakey whether it's online or offline. You've just run into a couple of them.
Click to expand...

No, not gay bars silly! Gay activity / sports / interest clubs. #-o
 
You might find they are like the guys above suggested, not quite what they said they are, overly reluctant to commit to anything in case something 'better' comes along or painfully shy.
For all except maybe the latter they sound kind of mean. Maybe it's a decent way to screen the flakes, disappointing though. I don't think it sounds like you're doing anything wrong either.
 
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