Can't get him out of my head...

[Kulindahr]

New Year's I went to Portland to be at a bar that was losing its long-time premises and migrating. I got hooked on a young dancer -- his eyes, his smile, the way he moved. Then, sitting together at the bar having a drink, he mentioned something seriously intellectual. To me, intelligence is seriously hot, and...

I haven't been able to get him out of my head.



I want to go back over for Valentine's. I'm hoping to catch him, but--

Do I tell him?
Or what?

 

[G-Lexington]

Go back on Valentine's.
See if he's there.
If he isn't, enjoy the show anyway.

If he is, talk to him during the break. Just say, "I saw you on New Year's back at the old place. You mentioned Kant during the break. That's so cool, y'know? I just wouldn't have expected to have heard Kant referenced at an exotic dance club, you know?"

Lex

 

[TygreBryte]

K., ask him out for coffee or something. The only way to see what might happen is to see if something happens.

best wishes!

 

[najfus]

What's the harm in trying?

 

[Kulindahr]

If you do go back and he is there, talk to him yes.

However from my own experience he has done exactly what a dancer in a club is supposed to do. become an object of fantasy to a customer. Its their job to dance and flirt with customers.

I never considered that bringing up Richard Dawkins and Stephen J. Gould in a casual conversation counted as flirting.


My question was more, do I tell him I can't get him out of my head, though.

 

[thewiz]

If you run into him, tell him how you feel. It might be that he finds you just as un-ordinary and intellectually stimulating. Hopefully that will change or expand into stimulation of different areas besides the brain!

 

[StlKj]

You don't tell him you can't get him out of your head. You do tell him you really enjoyed the conversation last time you spoke. You don't make it sound like you're surprised a dancer has a thought in his head.

And here's a rule you should really consider--whatever relationship you have with a dancer, it stays in the club. Don't try to take it outside of the club. If he wants to take it outside of the club, he will pursue it, but even then, proceed with some caution.

I have developed a number of buddy relationships with dancers over the years, mostly because they like that I treat them like human beings and we laugh and have a good time. I have also learned from them a great deal about the business in which they find themselves. I mean no disrespect to anyone, and I won't stereotype to say that all dancers are the same, but many of them have major issues outside of the club that draw people into their drama. Drugs, previous sexual abuse that causes them to act out, criminal activities, and/or just a general lack of direction or respect for themselves are just the tip of the iceberg for many people who find themselves turning to "dancing" as a job. I've had many great conversations with guys from the club, but the more I heard their stories about their lives, the more I was glad I did not try to pursue anything beyond the club (even when several wanted to). The one time I allowed just a friendship to go beyond the club walls ended in some heartbreak on my part.

As tommy said, they are doing their job to get you to want them. They are trained to make the customer happy and keep him drinking and paying. That does not mean they do not let their personalities show through. Many of them are great guys. But the "diamond in the rough" stereotype we see in films and television don't really play up the rough part enough. Enjoy your dancer friend--flirt, have fun, speak intellectually. Just know your boundaries, and be careful of your heart. That's what my friends told me a long time ago about the guys they work with, and that advice has served me well.

 

[Kulindahr]

Enjoy your dancer friend--flirt, have fun, speak intellectually. Just know your boundaries, and be careful of your heart. That's what my friends told me a long time ago about the guys they work with, and that advice has served me well.

I feel awed and overwhelmed to have him as a buddy.

Coming out wasn't just a small change in life for me as it seems to be for most people. It meant I'd actually admitted I was human, that it was okay for me to be my own person, and that I was more than just a mind. In the first few months after coming out, I went dancing for the first time in my life, went to a bar without being dragged there (and feeling guilty), talked to people in a non-work, non-school setting without being introduced, let myself admit I was attracted to people physically... and lost almost every friend and acquaintance I had, and had my family walk out on me at Christmas.

It's been such a global-type change for me, I don't know what my boundaries are. The first time on a dance floor that another guy rubbed his crotch against mine, I was so overwhelmed with feelings that were either new or I'd blocked off before that I went dizzy, felt hot all over, got the shakes, could hardly see, and had to flee or collapse right there.

And my heart is so messed up I don't know what to do with it or where it's at. I've spent so much time since that first Christmas out being desolately lonely that when someone is friendly I can't tell if it's real, an act, an illusion, my hopeful/wishful thinking....

 

[Kulindahr]

You have as much chance as anyone else in shagging him - go for it - I really do believe in carpe diem - the longer I live the more things I regret not doing. K (you know I love you to bits) stop analysing stuff soooooo much and go with your gut instinct. Grab life [sic] by the balls and enjoy it. Fuck the consequences (and him).

Probably no one here will believe me, but I have no interest in shagging/fucking him; the closest thought to that was a moment when I had a brief feeling I could feel safe trying to bottom, with him. I wouldn't mind giving him a body massage, or getting one, but when I think of him (which is awfully often) it's just that I want to be with him, watch him move, see him smile, hear his voice.

Unfortunately, my gut instinct is to flee and hide, lecture myself, confess -- all the baggage from "B.C." (Before Out), at the same time I want to run my hands all over him, wrap my arms around him and hold him, ask him to teach me to dance better....


I think I spend so much time analyzing partly 'cause I have so little time in an actual life. Stuck on the bottom side of the poverty line, and at least ninety minutes from anything resembling a social life, I have lots of time to think.
What I'd rather have lots of time to do is wrap myself around him gently and tell him he's one of the most special people I've met since coming out.