can't stay hard

[LumenLaird]

i've been searching through old threads for a few days now trying to find anyone in a similar situation.

this will sound very similar to other posts, i think...

sorry it is so long.

i can't seem to maintain an erection. I am only 20 years old and I know this is not normal. I have no problem getting an erection but it never lasts for more than a minute or two. Also, when I do have an erection it is never fully hard.

I've always had this problem while with other guys but until recently, I've only ever hooked up or had a one-time thing so I've attributed it to being nervous. I've only been sexually active for about 4 years and the first couple of times I had no problem. I think much of it because I have no problem staying hard when jerking off. Also... it never bothered me because I seemed to have no problem lasting a very long time. I also know that I need a little bit of lubrication because I do not precum and am circumcised. I had always been able to somehow manage to stay hard long enough to finish but it was never easy (normally because it would take so long that the other guy asks if I am close..I know he wants to cum so I try to bring myself to that point).

Now... about a month ago I met this guy and went home with him. I had no problem getting hard when we were making out but it did not last very long. I did not lose it completely but it would go up for a minute and then back down for a while. I was not nervous at all..in fact, he was very nervous and stressed out because of exams and it was me trying to help him relax. I was very attracted to him..everything about him is what I like in a guy. Eventually I wanted to fuck him but I could not get an erection when it came time. We decided he could just fuck me but the condoms were too small for him and so we finished by jerking ourselves off and making out.

Of course, after that incident, I started to become a little more self-concious and realized that what I thought was me "lasting a long time" in the past was actually because I was not staying hard. After I searched on the internet a bit I decided that it was probably just nerves or some sort of psychological issue and that next time I would have to relax and not think so much.

And so now..the situation I am in. I have met a really great guy. There isn't a thing about him I don't like and it is the first time I am getting involved with someone for more than a hook up. We spent a lot of time together before doing anything in bed and so I am very relaxed around him. The first time we did anything I could not stay hard! Again..I have no problem getting an erection. Actually..he turns me on so much I get hard when even when we hug (and so does he...he is very easily turned on). But as soon as the clothes come off and we start fooling around more I lose my erection. He is understanding and doesn't seem to mind. And so after that happened I decided to stop jerking off. Three days later when I see him again the same problem. He tries everything he can to help me get hard but it is impossible. He tries to give me oral but blowjobs have never done much for me...actually, I feel almost nothing when I get blowjobs and it has always been that way. He tries to give me handjobs but that does not work either. It feels good but I am barely hard.

What I've decided to do for now is to stop jerking off completely. I'm wondering if there might be something wrong because my dick can feel almost no sensation but I know it might be because I am jerking off too much and so first I will see if that changes things.

I know I should talk to a doctor but right now I am out of the country and do not think that is possible. And so..I've decided to post here and see what you all think. Sorry for such a long post...

 

[justright25]

My 21 year old boyfriend is in the same situation as yourself but his problem is due to medications he has been prescribed for some issues. Do you take any form of medication?

 

[onetwothreefour]

Get your testosterone levels checked.

 

[KaraBulut]

When evaluating erectile difficulties, the first thing that is considered is whether the erection issues are all the time or just when you're having sex with another person.

Most of the time, guys wake up with hardons and they get hard when they jackoff but it's only when they're having sex with another person that it's an issue. This points toward more of a psychological issue and not a physiological issue.

In contrast, guys who can't stay hard when they jack off or don't have normal morning erections or erections from looking at porn have a physiological issue.

There's a few very common things that happen in these psychological scenarios:

1. Often when guys are single for some time or when they're just beginning to date, they are very used to jacking off a certain way. Unfortunately, their dicks get very used to a particular grip, speed and style of stimulation. And it's very hard for another person to recreate that exact sensation. This one just takes time- you may need to ease into sex with the other person- first starting by finishing yourself off while your partner watches and then slowing letting him/her get more involved in lending a helping hand and then progressing to full-on sex over the course of a few weeks/months.
2. The other psychological issue has to do with body image and the racing-mind issues. If you have body image issues, you might find that you're hard as a rock when you're making out but the minute the clothes start coming off, your uncertainties about your body can cause you to lose focus. The same is true of guys who over-think during sex instead of just being in-the-moment- they lose focus and then lose their erections. The solution here is to find a long-term sex partner with whom you feel comfortable. Spend time just being naked together- not having sex, but instead just cuddling, bathing, showering and being comfortable with each other. Then when time for sex arrives, you can focus more on each other and less on all the thoughts racing through your head.

As a last resort, ED drugs can help in situations like this where you get an erection but can't maintain it. I'm not a big proponent of ED drugs unless there's a clear physiological reason for the erection difficulties. However, in cases like this where a guy has problems staying hard a few times, there's a paranoia that gets set up where you worry more and more about whether you're going to be able to stay hard. Short-term use of an ED drug can help you get over that fear- either from the drug itself or from a placebo effect. The drugs can help you get past that psychological fear of going soft under pressure but this should be a last resort and something you try only after consulting your physician.

 

[LumenLaird]

justright25- no I do not take any medications.

onetwothreefour- I'm not sure I really need to do that but I will check into it. I think that I am probably okay because like KaraBalut describes..I do get erections in the morning.

KaraBalut- thanks..I guess I already knew that it must be a psychological issue because I do have normal erections when I wake up and when I watch porn (although a lot of the time I know I am not as hard as I am in the morning). The thing that is confusing me is that I do feel comfortable around the guy I am with. Actually, we have not even tried to have sex yet. The other night we spent about two hours together naked and making out, hugging each other, looking at each other.

Also I do not have body image issues as far as I know

I think what must be happening is what you described in number 1, which is why I will stop jacking off.

I know it must be psychological but what confuses me is that I really do have very little sensation in my dick. When I get a blowjob I literally cannot even tell that my dick is in his mouth. That is fine..maybe I just won't get blowjobs but the other day while he was jacking me off, even after 10 minutes of him trying, I still wasn't even getting hard :/

 

[KaraBulut]

I think what must be happening is what you described in number 1, which is why I will stop jacking off.

Just to give you an alternative.

The rule with the human body is "Use it or lose it".

Sex is like any other workout. If you want to keep your arms in shape, you work them out. If you want to keep your dick and your prostate in shape, use them on a regular basis.

So, don't stop jacking off completely. Instead, jackoff with your partner. Yes, it's a little odd to be doing something that you normally do by yourself. But it can be very hot to have your guy watch you. It can be very hot to straddle his hips and shoot all over his chest. It's also nice if he holds you or you sit back-to-front with his arms around you while you give it a wank.

If your guy isn't around for a few days, then jack off. But maybe jackoff to thinking about the last time you were together. Or maybe he'd be willing to share a couple of photos or videos of himself for your entertainment?

What guys should avoid when jacking off is the same-old-same-old routine or limiting themselves to more exotic practices like frottage, rapid-fire jacking or things that another person can't recreate for them.

 

[KaraBulut]

^I don't agree with the use it or lose it because when I was younger I was sick for an entire 6 months and hardly ever used it for masturbation but after I got well had normal function. It's a phallacy - pardon the pun. It applies to your muscles like legs arms etc but not your penis!

Interestingly enough, I attended a lecture by Mehmet Öz a while back. His comment was that men should have a goal of 100 ejaculations per year. Consider it a challenge.

There are studies that show that men who have healthy sex lives in their younger years are more likely to continue to have healthy sex lives into their later years.

 

[LumenLaird]

The reason I decided to stop jacking off is because I see him at the least every three days so there is really no reason for me to be jacking off. I think what worries me the most is the lack of sensation I feel when my dick is being directly stimulated. I can't feel blowjobs and even when my guy plays with me, I feel very little and do not get hard. Even when I jack off alone, if I am not touching myself I lose my erection.

So..I have figured out that it is difficult to stay hard unless I am being directly stimulated and even then I do not feel much, especially--and this is the problem-- when someone else is doing it for me.



As far as using it and losing it, I don't know. I notice when I am regularly jacking off or fooling around with someone, I am more horny. After a few days I sort of lose it and could go a week without wanting to get off. I don't really know much about it but I can't imagine how things might be in twenty or thirty years from now if I wasn't regularly getting off. Not too good, I assume.