Can't stop crying

[aquadude81]

This guy you were with sounds like a total asshole. He has some serious problems. I would not spend too much time dwelling over him.

As far as the whole submissive thing, I'm not a great one to give advice. I don't really understand why some people need to be one or the other. Maybe it has to do with insecurity, or power, or vulnerability. I don't know. But from my experience, guys who give themselves these strict labels have the most issues.

Get some sleep (after you change your sheets) and hopefully you'll feel much better in the morning.

 

[StlKj]

Darlin', it wasn't him that didn't respect your wishes--it was you. Even when faced with the knowledge that he lied to you, passing himself off as a sub, you went ahead and tried to pursue the sex. Then you engaged in exactly what he wanted, even though it's not something you enjoy. Of course he left you unsatisfied--he got exactly what he wanted, and you gave it to him despite your own desires.

As soon as you realized he had misrepresented himself, you should have shown him the door, and then high-fived yourself for putting your standards/needs above a liar's.

I'm sorry you had a bad time of it. Hopefully tomorrow's guy will go better. Try being a little more selfish this time.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>What am I doing wrong?

Everything.

He seemed to be a nice sub guy. Did you ask first? Apparently not.

You took him home, and he started calling you "his bitch". Did you say, "Dude, I'm nobody's bitch. Why don't you get out and go find someone else to be your bitch?" No.

He lost his erection if you ever asserted yourself. Did you say, "Look, I'm not going to just lie here and do your bidding. We're both here to get our rocks off"? No.

He demanded that you fist him, an activity you don't like doing. Did you say, "Sorry - I don't do that"? No.

After blowing his wad, he decided it was time to go. Did you say, "Hey, perhaps you didn't see, but I haven't gotten off yet. It looks to me like you still have work to do"? No.

There's a lot of lessons there, so let's make sure you learn them.

When you meet the guy tomorrow, meet him outside the bedroom. For coffee if you'd like. Lay out what you will and won't do. Tell him what you're expecting and what you're hoping from the encounter. Let him tell you the same. Then, mutually decide if heading to the bedroom is the right choice. Do NOT let your dick make that decision for you. Do NOT let the guy "guilt trip" you into doing it if you don't want to - you have EVERY right to say, "Sorry - this doesn't sound like we're going to be a good fit." Once in the bedroom, if the guy tries to turn the tables on you, feel free to stop completely and say, "This isn't what we agreed to."

...my feeling is that if you stick with this, you're actually going to have a good time.

Lex

 

[EvilForce]

Instead of trying a hookup at a bar maybe consider an escort?

Might be more effective. *shrug*

 

[rareboy]

Well, to begin with, you are playing in a much tougher schoolyard when the first qualification is having to identify as a sub.

How about looking for and being versatile?

And if the sub/dominance thing is so important, make sure that you both understand the rules of the game before you bring any guy home with you.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>when others act one way in a bar and then are completely the opposite when you get them home and naked what's a guy supposed to do?

A guy is supposed to realize that he can't judge what a guy "is" and what a guy will be like in bed based on how he acts for half an hour in a bar. But hopefully you've learned this lesson.

>>>I'm versatile but I like the other guy to be versatile too so by looking for a sub I kinda hope that that's what I'll get in return.

Well, hell, I think there's your problem right there. I think you're going to keep having disasters so long as you're not clear as to what you want. You've been asking for X, hoping to get Y...and when you don't end up with Y, you're feeling hurt and confused.

Subs want to be dominated. If a sub hooks up with you, the assumption is going to be that you're a dom. That you're going to want to dominate this guy to help him get off, and presumably, be into the domination enough to get off yourself.

There's nothing wrong with any of this, so long as both parties are enjoying themselves. But if one guy is looking to have sex with somebody more as "equals", he's probably not going to have a great time with a true "sub". He's going to be expected to "dominate" the sub, and since that's not really what he wants, he's going to probably feel pressured into playing a role he doesn't really want to play, and thus feel "used".

My advice? Stop asking for subs hoping for a versatile. Ask for precisely what you want. Something like this: "I'm still rather new to being gay and out, and would like to explore the physical side some more. I'm versatile, but am especially interested in topping. I'd like to try manual, oral, and maybe anal eventually." However you want to phrase that. There are plenty of bottoms and/or versatiles who would be VERY interested in giving you a go.

Lex

 

[954dude]

Don't waste your time being disappointed. Go out there and get what you want. It didn't happen that night, but rather than these random one-night stands, try to partner with someone.