Can't think of a definative reason to come out

[newcastle]

I have spent the last few months trying to put together good reasons to do it yet I instead have only found reasons to the contrary. Although I have started drinking a lot more since I accepted myself otherwise I haven't changed my thinking much. In other words I may be very stressed about all of this yet I find this as stressful trivial so I internalize it and minimize it to the point where in the daytime it doesn't seem to bother me one bit The closet seems so safe, why is this? I feel like I could stay there my whole life but then would I regret it if I am lucky enough to live to an older age? I am in my mid 20's btw. There are so many reasons to stay in the closet and meander through life the same way I am now. Would people accept me, probably many would in my very much hetero almost to the point of anti gay social groups lifestyle I have lived in for the past 20 odd years. Although I see this as a reason to do it, it is less that I am afraid to pull the trigger and do it but more so the fear changing the lifestyle I have lived for my whole life. I try to run things logically and I logically think it is inevitable that I will come out sometime, so why can't I just do it sooner than later? I know my thought process through this post may be a bit jumbled (thank the late hour and the 12 OZ. Newcastles) but any input would be appreciated...

 

[ozguy]

You will know if/when you are ready. I am 54, married, a very proud parent and have lived in the closet all my life. Coming out was never an option for me. I came to that understanding many years ago and I am not unhappy with the way my life has panned out.

Every single 'coming out' story I've read on here has been a good one, though, so if/when it feels right for you, do it!

 

[KaraBulut]

Coming out isn't always an all or nothing thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have rainbow-colored hair and a T-shirt with a big pink triangle on it. It's more about just being who you are and letting other people get to know who you are.

Coming out can be as simple as not hiding the books on your bookshelf that have "gay" in the title every time you have someone over to your house.

It can be as simple as not changing the gender in sentences like, "I'm having dinner with my boyfriend tonight" or "He and I are going to a movie on Saturday".

It can be as simple as not maintaining two bedrooms so that you and your boyfriend can claim to just roommates.

It can be as simple as listing your sexuality on your Facebook page.

It can be as simple as just not lying when you're asked, "Are you gay?".

The most important part of coming out is accepting and liking yourself. Anything beyond that is something that you have to decide person-by-person, case-by-case.

 

[alley]

Personally I was just tired of living the lie---and now I can't really stand to be around people who don't know---so when someone asks about who I am seeing or anything along those lines, I just say, "You know I am gay, right?"

 

[rareboy]

Re-post when you're sober and see if you feel the same way.

You can try to hide in the closet but it sounds like you're hiding in the bottle.

 

[ashonfire]

I've just found life so much easier since coming out.

It all seems much more, er, "straight"-forward. I'm happier and more confident.

I recommend it.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB.

"I've started drinking a lot more since I accepted myself"? My guess is you started drinking a lot more once you realized you were probably gay, and you're drinking to avoid having to accept it. Most folks don't feel the need to get sloshed once they accept their homosexuality. So I'd say take a step back.

Come out to your first person.
You.

Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm gay.". Not in a horrified whisper. Not in a way that sounds like you're admitting to some heinous crime. Factually. Like you'd say "I'm a guy" or "I'm blonde" or "I'm six feet tall". "I'm gay." Do that at least once a day until you can do it without feeling queasy inside, and without taking a drink afterwards.

Get used to your gayness. If you're jacking off to gay porn, cool - do so with abandon. Let your imagination go. Imagine pounding that guy, or that guy pounding you, until the bed breaks. Glory in it.

Let yourself look at guys. Don't feel horrible because you think the waiter is hot. Just smile a bit, and save him up as fantasy fuel for when you get home.

Eventually, you actually WILL be cool with being gay. You really WILL be accepting of it. And then you can decide whether or not to tell other people. No good reason? Don't you want to get laid? Don't you want a boyfriend (eventually)? Wouldn't it be nice to not have to shove him under the bed when your friends come to visit?

And as other people have pointed out, being gay means one thing - the people you want to have sex with are guys. That's it. That's all. You don't get rainbow short-shorts and a Cher CD with admission.

I'm 6'1".
I've got a really deep voice.
I dress in jeans and T-shirts with bands and sports logos on them...sloppily.
I listen to rock music all day long.
...and I'm gay.

You'll find more reasons to come out as time goes on. For now, though, focus on you.

Lex

 

[Gomaki]

I don't think it's necessary to be completely out there, but you shouldn't be anything your not. I am pretty straight acting, and I doubt many people would think I'm anything but. However, if it's necessary for someone to know I'm not, I'll let them know.
I'll probably never wear anything with a rainbow on it, or go to any pride events, because I don't think that sexuality is what defines me as a person. I don't feel a need to celebrate it or hide it either way.

If you came out, you'd probably find that most people don't really give a shit. They might be shocked at first, but other than that, it's pretty much the same thing, except you can be a bit more free being honest to yourself.

 

[newcastle]

This post is not very different from the first but it is my sober caveat for the situation.

Re-post when you're sober and see if you feel the same way.

You can try to hide in the closet but it sounds like you're hiding in the bottle.

The booze mostly facilitated the writing not much of the content.
Also when on the bottle seems to be the time when I am least likely or trying not to hide.
Either way the booze is the least of my worries except for the possible correlation to me being more miserable than I think I am.
But to answer the actual first question, Yes


Basically I accepted it a few months ago to myself, yet I am very reserved about it still to the point where accepting other people knowing this about me is not easy at all. I have always been introverted and reserved about feelings and probably will always be. I know some people kind of already know about it mostly through rumors, but my perception of the whole thing just from my cultural upbringing holds such a negative outlook at least publicly for me. (And by negative I mean not ye heathen scourge on the earth, and more of just a comedic view of something that is ridiculous. This is not the view I hold but seems to be the view of most friends and family held over the years and some of it has rubbed off on me) I am NOT religious at all and I don't necessarily follow societal norms by any means which you would think would make this easier to open up about this.

 

[huhu123]

Well, then don't.
It is, I believe, a natural process to come out to yourself and get confortable with the situation before telling anyone else - and only those who you find relevant must be told.
Take your time.

 

[newcastle]

When I accepted the fact that I wasn't straight and have no reason to fight it anymore about (around 3-4 months ago) it seemed not so hard to take. But with each passing day it gets more frustrating. My only escape is when I am around other people which gives me a reason to keep my mind off things, this includes work. So when I sit at home after work with little to do I begin to get annoyed with the position I have put myself in. (This happens when drinking or not, for example tonight I am not drinking. ) Then the following day I think that I was being an idiot last night and the cycle repeats day after day.

How could I expedite things if they are going to happen? All my close friends and family don't live very close to me and I talk to them a handful of times each month or so. I am also a person who prefers face to face when talking about something serious (if this is even considered serious).

I feel like this has turned into a bunch of whining so I will end it here.

 

[rareboy]

So when I sit at home after work with little to do I begin to get annoyed with the position I have put myself in.

So, first thing. Why sit at home with nothing to do? If you like being with people, get out there and find things to do with them instead of hiding out at home.

This way, there is more chance that when you're drinking, it will be in the company of friends and acquaintances and not a pattern of solo drinking and feeling sorry for yourself.

 

[tallguy297]

I feel like this has turned into a bunch of whining so I will end it here.

No, please dont mate.

This isnt whining.

This has turned into a thread where you get to talk... amongst friends who can sympathize and truly understand... because we've been there.

Its turned into thread in a place where you can get support and advice and a new perspective.

Its turned into a discussion where you can ask anything, get an honest answer and most importantly learn that your situations pretty normal and one thats been beaten time and time again.

You've just got to have a little belief in yourself... and those around you.

But with each passing day it gets more frustrating. My only escape is when I am around other people which gives me a reason to keep my mind off things, this includes work. So when I sit at home after work with little to do I begin to get annoyed with the position I have put myself in. (This happens when drinking or not, for example tonight I am not drinking. ) Then the following day I think that I was being an idiot last night and the cycle repeats day after day.

This paragraph from your last post is really important Newcastle... because its the answer to the question you started the thread with. Theres the reason to come out.

And coming out is simply talking to the people who matter to you... no matter how near or far... and being honest with them. Because that honesty rids you of that frustration guilt and fear. That honesty it what grants you freedom and the ability to make choices and decisions without being paralyzed with the whatifs...

Coming out is about regaining control. Its about you and no one else.

And when youve had an epiphany like you had recently it takes that control away and throws your world into a little bit of chaos. It shakes all the things you thought you knew and makes you doubt what your life really is going to look like. All of a sudden the rules are changed and it doesnt seem like anything is going to be easy or make sense again. It was like some just upended everything you thought you knew.

So... thats why you come out. Because it helps you regain control. It helps you realise that things wont be so different. That people will still love you, care about you. That you can make decisions and go forward knowing that you dont have to hide or lie. Its one of the very few parts of this process that you CAN control... and thats important.

Stop beating yourself up mate. Stop drinking... and keep talking this out. Keep questioning and asking. No one here will judge you... and all of us will offer what little advice we can. You are amongst friends and confidants.

So dont stop talking ok?

 

[newcastle]

So, first thing. Why sit at home with nothing to do? If you like being with people, get out there and find things to do with them instead of hiding out at home.

This way, there is more chance that when you're drinking, it will be in the company of friends and acquaintances and not a pattern of solo drinking and feeling sorry for yourself.

I am not a reclusive person... But I naturally like to have a decent amount of time to myself... Most of my friends don't live near me anymore so I don't have as many options on the days I do have off...

Otherwise... I hung out with one of my friends tonight who I only see on occasion (couple times a year) where I acted the same as a completely hetero male where I have almost pushed myself into the closet further...

I went to the library yesterday to read some stuff to deal with my situation... still I have not found what I have been looking for which i started this thread about... A DEFINITIVE reason... And yes I just realized the spelling error that happened a few days ago while drunky, I'm an idiot...


The quest continues I suppose...

 

[G-Lexington]

My friends (or family members, or co-workers) may act slightly different around each other than our default - I think that's true of everyone. I'm a bit smartassier with my smartass friends, for instance, and I tend not to throw out as much intellectual discussion when I'm with my friends who didn't finish high school. I talk music more with my music-crazy friends, and talk cartoons with those guys who love cartoons. That's just letting various parts of my personality shine. All of them know there's more to me than what I'm showing - I'm just sharing the parts I think they'll relate to best.

So why'd I come out? To my friends, my family, my co-workers? Well, why not? I'm pretty tight with most of them. We share a lot, and to withhold my homosexuality is to hold something fairly major back. No, I don't "rub their faces in it". I don't tell my straight friends how hot they are, and suggest they jump the fence, or turn every conversation around to my bedroom predilictions. But I don't have to play pronoun games with them. I don't have to say "I'm dating somebody" and hope they never find out it's a guy. I can say introduce my boyfriend as my boyfriend, not try to pretend that he's just a "roommate". There's no worrying about whether or not they'll find out, or what they'll say when they do, because they already HAVE found out. We've moved way beyond that. We can get back to being ourselves and sharing our lives.

That's my answer. It won't be yours.

You can keep searching for this "definitive" answer to come out if you'd like. But I'll tell you right now - you won't find one. And if you want to interpret that as proof that you don't ever need to come out, then that's fine - don't ever come out.

Lex