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Catastrophically huge failure, and I am terrified.

momoman

momoman

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OK.

I posted here MONTHS ago, about how I came out to the one person. Well, make that one person two as I have told another one, and I think she (and her other friends) already knew.

That isn't the part I am physically frightened of.

Last night, I was streaming media from my Mac to my PS3, watching a PS3-Recorded TV Show from ABC iView. I was flicking through my files and I had left a Gay Porn film lying in plain sight in my Documents folder! My Mum was there and I think she might've seen it, I'm not sure but she doesn't seem to be saying anything about it.

What do I do?? I have cleaned the evidence THOROUGHLY by doing a few Spotlight searches, but I still feel terrified to the point that I feel physically sick to my stomach. I can't do that to my family, it must stay hidden. (not that we're religious, but I'm like the only boy apart from my cousin, the rest are girls and I don't have siblings).

I'm in the middle of a massive freak out I dunno whether to just "do it" and come flying from behind the closet door, or take a firm full step out of it for once. I'm having trouble sleeping and writing my Fic in the Stories forum. Can anyone please help me? :cry::help:

Thanks in advance,

momoman
 
You have 2 choices, wait to be asked about it if ever, and ------>

1. deny it and show a cleaned file thats it's not there they may not know you clean it or not.

2. admit it and clear the air.

so lie or truth.
 
@racer2438, although your post is short, you have given me much to think about. I will just wait until it happens, if it does.

Thank-you, I just needed to get this out there. A thread gave me an outlet so I don't literally combust from the pressure of the slight breakdown I was having. I'm in the midst of buying Junk Food to make myself feel better :)

Thanks again!

momoman
 
Most people when they see something shocking aren't able to hide it very well. This is particularly true with parents and children.

So if she didn't seem to react then and there, chances are she didn't see it. Either that or she was expecting it.

Years ago my mom walked in on me downloading gay porn and never noticed a thing. (This was back in the day when 9600 bps dial up was considered fast, and consequently you couldn't just hit back screen or minimize without your computer having conniptions.) She didn't find out about me until several years later when I was in college.

I suspect your cover is safe for now.
 
I'm the only boy in my family and I came out. Actually JUB was the reason. They found the website in the history blah blah. They asked about it and I decided to just be honest. If your parents don't ask then don't say anything, but if they do ask...I think it's better to just be honest.
 
Yeah, it seems there's no foul because the ref didn't see the play. Just be more careful with your porn from here on out.

>>>I can't do that to my family, it must stay hidden. (not that we're religious, but I'm like the only boy apart from my cousin, the rest are girls and I don't have siblings).

Huh?

Lex
 
My mom found my gay porn and stayed in denial until I came out to her. She said she just prayed it was a phase. These days my dad is okay with it but my mom isn't.
 
By taking what you perceive to be strain, stress and grief from someone by not coming out you place it on yourself. That's the trouble with the closet and also why many closeted gays move away from parent's, etc. It is clearly your choice, but as you've just seen there are consequences either way.
 
It was the hardest thing to tell my mom about being gay. I KNEW that she would disown me. But a friend of mine, herself being gay, kept after me to tell her until I did. She told me that I had to live my life and be happy with myself. Now I wish that I hadn't waited until I was 39 to tell her.

I say just go tell her. Don't make the mistake that I made. JM2
 
You're confusing two things here- being gay and your parents finding porn.

There is a time and place that will be right for you to come out to your parents. Until then, don't sweat it.

There are plenty of straight guys who get caught with porn or even worse- jacking off to porn. The only thing that is unique about gay porn is it sometimes forces parents to ask the child if they are gay.

Since it sounds like you live at home, don't put porn on a shared computer or DVR. And if you store porn on your personal computer, keep it on an encrypted drive where other family members cannot access it.

Now, go get some sleep. If you being gay and liking porn are the only things your parents have to worry about, they're pretty damn lucky.
 
snoopydog said:
It was the hardest thing to tell my mom about being gay. I KNEW that she would disown me. But a friend of mine, herself being gay, kept after me to tell her until I did. She told me that I had to live my life and be happy with myself. Now I wish that I hadn't waited until I was 39 to tell her.

I say just go tell her. Don't make the mistake that I made. JM2
Click to expand...

I will resoundingly add my .02 cents here. I waited until I was 45 to tell my family.
In the end, my mom just cried and asked why I didn't do this much sooner... I could have saved myself a lifetime of pain. It's the LAST reaction I expected.

But it must be said, that not everyone has a good experience. Nonetheless, in the end, you must live YOUR life.
 
My mother found my porn and never said a word about it.

I'm sure she probably was hopeful when some it it was straight porn.

If she asks you about it, just be honest. Really. What is the worst that can happen?
 
Ok, you know when you really see something for the first time, even though you've seen it for years? I really noticed for the first time that my Mum asks me "What should I wear? Does this look good with this?" ALL the time, and she has for about 4 years now. I'm starting to think she knows, and it wasn't until my breakdown that I noticed what she was doing.....I don't think I can tell her just yet though. Maybe when I move out.

Thanks all, you really have helped me through this.

momoman
 
Yeah, when you do come out to her consider how few freak outs you'll have in the future.

No more hiding, no more anxiety, no more sneaking.

Your mother always knows, whether she'll admit it or not is another question.
 
G-Lexington said:
>>>I can't do that to my family, it must stay hidden. (not that we're religious, but I'm like the only boy apart from my cousin, the rest are girls and I don't have siblings).

Huh?

Lex
Click to expand...

Meaning the family name won't be carried on..no grand kids..etc..Thank God I have 7 brothers to carry the family name and procreate. Yay!
 
Well, one doesn't necessarily have to be straight to have children.

Besides, I thought the latest edition of the gay card came with procreation benefits. :)
 
Yeah, I won't be able to carry on the family name, leaving it all to my cousin. That just seems wrong in my eyes, and after crying a little about the thought (not for long, I pushed the depression away) on came the sunglasses -- to quote Lady GaGa's Summerboy -- "To cover up my grim, eyes."

Thanks for all the suggestions, but I think I will wait until I move out. Then if I get disowned and kicked out, I'll have somewhere to go. Don't wanna end up on my own so early in life. Sure you guys can understand that.

Thanks again,

momoman
 
>>>Then if I get disowned and kicked out, I'll have somewhere to go. Don't wanna end up on my own so early in life. Sure you guys can understand that.

Only if your family seems the type that would do such a thing to you. And if they were, I just can't picture you leaving porn up on your computer, even accidentally.

Lex
 
Lots of good advice here. Don't ignore it.

It doesn't go away.
 
I came out to my parents two days ago and they aren't really fond of gay people. They ignored me since today but I think they already found out that this is my life and that it's none of their business of I'm gay, bi or straight.

It's best to make the step towards your mom and talk about it. It'll be very tough but it might be the best thing you've done in your life.
 
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