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Catfished

thuperdupe

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So, this is still kind of a sore subject for me, so please nobody be nasty. Also, I apologize in advanced for how long this is. I guess I just need to get it out there.

I got catfished. Like really, really, really, really hard. I really surprised myself because I don't let my guard down easily and I certainly have never been one to buy anything anyone says online (Face it. Everything is a lie. You have a 13" dick? Oh that's nice. What's that? Your skype is broken, but you swear that picture of Zeb Atlas is you? Great, I'm suuuuure).

But I started talking to this guy online. I met him on a stupid gay chat room that's pretty much strictly for getting off through cyber sex or phone sex, but occasionally you'll bump into a decent conversation. Such was the case with this guy. His name was Conrad and he was an Irishman living in London. We hit it off right away. We shared all the same interests and had the exact sense of humor. Bonus that we were also each other's physical ideal and totally attracted to each other in every shape and form.

Right from the start I knew it was too good to be true. Like I said, the site we met on is full of people cybersexing so pretty much every profile is a made up character that someone wants to pretend to be while sexting. But for some stupid reason, I kept chatting to this guy.

The telltale signs were there, but damn his story was good. You see, he was staying in London because his younger brother was in the hospital with a deadly infection that was starting to spread. So even though he had a crappy computer with a broken webcam and he broke his phone and ordered a new one but it was being sent to his house in Ireland, it's not like I could call him out on it and say "go get a new webcam. They're super cheap." because he would cut it off at the pass with "It was a really hard day at the hospital today. Danny's getting much worse..."

I even told him several times, "until I see you, I don't actually believe you exist." He said he understood and promised he would do everything he could to make things right because I "deserve" that. I did my best to try and research and call him out on his lie, but the extensive collection of photos of this same guy, no matter how handsome, was completely untraceable and nowhere else on the web.

Anyway, it's so frustrating to even type, because no matter how much I knew it was fake and that he wasn't real, there was this tiny little part of me that thought "What if he is real?" And no matter how small that little part of me was, it was the part of me that really started to fall in love with this guy. I'm serious. We talked on the phone every single day. He "walked me home" from work at night and was the first person I'd talk to when I was lazily waking up in the morning. And, stupidly, it was actually the first time in my life that I ever actually felt that emotionally attached to anyone.

Finally I told him enough was enough and that he needed to prove himself or just admit that he was lying. I gave him so many grace periods of easy-outs to just tell me the truth and release me from this torment. He said he would get a webcam the next day... Well, the next day his brother has gotten worse and they are airlifting him back to a hospital in Ireland so his parents can take better care of him, so I would once again just have to be a little bit more patient. Well he gets home late that night and I'm like "Great, you can set up your new phone that you had ordered to your house now that you're home," and of course before I can even mention it one of the first things he says to me is that the cleaners have moved all his mail and he has no idea where they put it. Of course. I'm not very pleased and I respond rather tersely and he say goodnight because he's "so exhausted from travelling."

And then... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He vanished off the face of the Earth. I thought I'd give him a week before trying to get in touch with him. I tried. Nothing. I tried again a week later. Nothing. Finally, I wrote him a massive long message as a final goodbye because I needed some sort of closure for myself. Still nothing. It honestly broke my heart. We talked for nearly every single day for more than three months and then he just disappeared without a word.

As much as I told myself the final goodbye message was closure, it wasn't. I still thought about him endlessly. So I got desperate. I went on to that chat we met with the name "GotCatfished" and bio read something along the lines of, "I think I got catfished by an Irish guy named Conrad. I'm looking for anyone else that might have talked to him too." I got a lot of hateful messages like "u fucking kidding me? ur crying cuz u got catfished on a site like this? grow up" but finally someone emerged. Another guy who had been talking to Conrad. THE Conrad. The one in the same.

It turns out he was spilling this romantic babble to him too. Almost word for word. He even copied and pasted a poem that he wrote for me to him (or maybe to me, I'm not sure who he wrote it for first). And the worst part was... this guy was still talking to Conrad! A part of me, not trusting anyone now, suspected that this new guy was Conrad in disguise, but after talking to him and even camming with him, I knew it wasn't. So I convinced this guy to talk to Conrad about me and ask him some questions. He did.

The guy asked him, "So I was talking to this guy online who says he knows you. His name is Shane. Do you know him?" He went completely silent. "Conrad. Shane told me everything. Listen, I've known you weren't real all this time, but this Shane kid is pretty upset that you hurt him. Do you have anything to say?"

After a long silence Conrad simply said, "Shane is a really special boy. He is so kindhearted and loving. And he's the most creative person you'll ever meet... I... I didn't mean to hurt him... I didn't think it would get this out of hand..."

The other "mistress" asked Conrad if he would please contact me and talk to me because I was still really upset and it was the least he could do for me. He never did. I also never really got in touch with the "mistress" again either. I felt so shitty I just wanted it all to be over.

And now it's six months later. Yup. SIX whole months. I'm mostly over it, but occasionally a song will come on or I'll see something in a film that reminds me of him. I can't walk home from work ever without thinking about him. Every place along the way reminds me of a conversation we had. How can it be six months later and I'm still not over this lying bastard?

I'm not really entirely sure why I'm making this post. Maybe I just need some clarity and someone to pat my back and tell me "it'll be all right" or "fuck that guy." Maybe it's a warning tale to other people who are possibly getting catfished: if it seems too good to be true, it is.
 
There is a guy who I know of from at least three gay message board websites that gives this whole story about him being in a marriage and has two kids and he tells his wife he is gay and then attempts suicide....he reels them in and when I said something...OUCH...some people got really mad at me for being "mean to him".

I am kinda good at understanding other people and their motivations once I get a glimpse but I have to say...I come up empty every time when I try to understand this behavior. I just don't see what the person who is catfishing gets out of all of this....

In this case..the only thing that comes to mind is the people I observed over the years who were addicted to falling in love.....maybe this is the online version of those guys? I saw this type of guy in person when I bartended in a gay bar...but since it happened face to face...different dynamics..but maybe the same dynamic in one respect as it seems that getting you to fall in love with him was the point?

I think it might be interesting and maybe even helpful to you to ask him why he hides himself? Maybe he thinks he is too ugly? Maybe he is married? Maybe he has a severe social phobia and this is his only interaction with other humans? I like to know why people do the things they do so my curiosity would get the best of me and I would just ask him some tough questions in order to better understand what motivates anyone to do this....

I am sorry it happened to you....good lesson I guess for the future...

BTW...I have heard the term catfished but didn't really know what it meant before...so I learned something new....
 
I'm old so I didn't grow up in the cyber world although I'm comfortable in it and happy with new technology. Game playing has been going on since the beginning of time. Now we have a new way to misrepresent ourselves. For some reason some people find it easier to lie than to tell the truth.

You got something out of your 3 month association with Conrad that doesn't go away because he lied about his "packaging." Should be have done that? No. He's just another person trying to get through the day the best way he knows how given his mental state and shortcomings.

Seems to me there's a lot of sadness in this situation. It also seems to me that you have a lot of vulnerability within you and perhaps some shyness.

The two of you formed a "perfect storm." This also happens outside the cyber world, where, for example, someone might misrepresent themselves. This is why we date and court - to get to know one another.

He led you on, no doubt. You allowed it because you were getting some needs met. I think you have to admit you jumped too high knowing too little. It's sometimes a fine line between hope and cynicism. You needed his empathy and kindness to be wrapped up in a "package" he couldn't deliver. You're pissed and sad, I would guess and hopefully venting here helps you get over this. Then you need to figure a way to protect yourself with building too strong a fence. Best wishes.
 
Yeah, people get drama in their lives because they don't walk away from it. I used to have tons of drama, then I realized that it takes two people to have drama.

You didn't walk, you got drama. Lesson learned I hope.
 
Yeah, people get drama in their lives because they don't walk away from it. I used to have tons of drama, then I realized that it takes two people to have drama. You didn't walk, you got drama. Lesson learned I hope.

This. You knew he was catfishing you from the start, but you stuck with it. Now you know to follow your instinct next time.
 
There is a guy who I know of from at least three gay message board websites that gives this whole story about him being in a marriage and has two kids and he tells his wife he is gay and then attempts suicide....he reels them in and when I said something...OUCH...some people got really mad at me for being "mean to him".

I am kinda good at understanding other people and their motivations once I get a glimpse but I have to say...I come up empty every time when I try to understand this behavior. I just don't see what the person who is catfishing gets out of all of this....

In this case..the only thing that comes to mind is the people I observed over the years who were addicted to falling in love.....maybe this is the online version of those guys? I saw this type of guy in person when I bartended in a gay bar...but since it happened face to face...different dynamics..but maybe the same dynamic in one respect as it seems that getting you to fall in love with him was the point?

I think it might be interesting and maybe even helpful to you to ask him why he hides himself? Maybe he thinks he is too ugly? Maybe he is married? Maybe he has a severe social phobia and this is his only interaction with other humans? I like to know why people do the things they do so my curiosity would get the best of me and I would just ask him some tough questions in order to better understand what motivates anyone to do this....

I am sorry it happened to you....good lesson I guess for the future...

BTW...I have heard the term catfished but didn't really know what it meant before...so I learned something new....


Thanks for your kind words and empathy. It's crazy what lies people live out on. And for so long too. I don't want to say I get it, but in a way I would sort of understand it if they just did it for a brief period of time, but to drag it out that long--and in the case with your guy to repeatedly do it--just doesn't make sense to me.

And yeah! The term "catfish" comes from a 2010 documentary with the same title. It's kind of a strange title, but it comes from this quote from the film:

"They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They'd keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in with them and the catfish will keep the cod agile. And there are those people who are catfish in life. And they keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank god for the catfish because we would be droll, boring and dull if we didn't have somebody nipping at our fin."
 
Seems to me there's a lot of sadness in this situation. It also seems to me that you have a lot of vulnerability within you and perhaps some shyness.

He led you on, no doubt. You allowed it because you were getting some needs met. I think you have to admit you jumped too high knowing too little. It's sometimes a fine line between hope and cynicism. You needed his empathy and kindness to be wrapped up in a "package" he couldn't deliver. You're pissed and sad, I would guess and hopefully venting here helps you get over this. Then you need to figure a way to protect yourself with building too strong a fence. Best wishes.

That's the frustrating part; I'm not shy in person at all and not very vulnerable generally. I don't fall in love easily... in fact, I've never fallen in love other than this one silly situation. If anything, I probably have trust issues and fear of commitment, but I wouldn't say shyness or vulnerability is anything I struggle with. Maybe it's these qualities that I was able to escape from myself, actually finding--quite literally--a "dream relationship," just like how I'm sure he was escaping all his shortcomings playing make believe too.
 
This. You knew he was catfishing you from the start, but you stuck with it. Now you know to follow your instinct next time.

Thanks TX-Beau and Rolyo85. Definitely going to follow my instincts next time.
 



Thanks for your kind words and empathy. It's crazy what lies people live out on. And for so long too. I don't want to say I get it, but in a way I would sort of understand it if they just did it for a brief period of time, but to drag it out that long--and in the case with your guy to repeatedly do it--just doesn't make sense to me.

And yeah! The term "catfish" comes from a 2010 documentary with the same title. It's kind of a strange title, but it comes from this quote from the film:

"They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They'd keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in with them and the catfish will keep the cod agile. And there are those people who are catfish in life. And they keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank god for the catfish because we would be droll, boring and dull if we didn't have somebody nipping at our fin."

Thanks for the info!...

I want to give you a piece of advice that I figured out on my own many years ago....about how to deal with this kind of situation....

People who are bitter scare me....I think of them as the living dead...so I developed a way to make sure it never happens to me.

I spent 20 years of my life working in a gay bar..I loved it...and I generally like or love gay men and can get along with most everyone..but sometimes...someone would come up to me out of the blue and give me alot of shit. Initially...it unnerved me and everyone would rush to give me support and tell me this or that guy is an asshole...but I wanted something different. Instead of letting it bother me...I decided when that happened I would go and introduce myself to two new people I had never talked to before and get to know them.

It was the perfect antidote to coping an attitude and letting the guys who went off on me have any power over me or effect on my life...and it kept me from being bitter...or tired....

So..I would suggest you get back on the horse and let yourself trust someone else...keeping what you learned form this experience with you of course...because that guy shouldn't be able to fuck over your view of guys...or the world...

Don't let him....

It pisses me off when the bad guys win....
 
I think what you describe goes beyond being catfished. Usually it's just guys who are socially awkward or want dick pics to jerk to.

When it's neighbors do it to you it can become awkward. Or if they stalk you in real life while trying to catfish you. That pisses me off.
 
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