"caught" and need help with excuses

[onetimething]

Hey guys. So this incredibly long post will probably come across as quite pathetic and desperate to a good number of you, but I really need some advice.

I'm 25 years old and live with my brother and father (an issue unto itself, but one that is about to be resolved in a matter of weeks/months). My computer died some seven months ago and ever since then, I have been sharing a computer with my father. For awhile, I was too nervous to venture onto any sort of gay site, either porn or non (like JUB) out of fear of being discovered by my father. After some time however, my hormones got the best of me and I leapt back into browsing around gay sites, always very careful to erase all history, cookies and temporary files after each time on the computer and never downloading anything (only watch streaming video) to leave no record of my online whereabouts. I had hoped that would cover it, especially considering my dad isn't really much of a computer whiz.

A few hours ago, I went over to use his computer while he was at the gym. I was on it for some time when I suddenly noticed something. You'll have to forgive my lack of computer vocabulary, but in what I think is the toolbar (not the Firefox toolbar but rather the toolbar below that says "links" and then lists many tabs related to his Verizon provider), I saw a tab that was a craig's list ad, from a men seeking men section. I clicked on it and in horror saw an ad that I must've looked at recently of a man (with a nude pic) looking for sex. I have no clue how it got there. I don't know if I accidentally pushed some combination of buttons to place it in the toolbar or what, but needless to say, I was freaked out that this was on the toolbar in full sight. How on Earth did it get there, and did my dad see it? From the date of the ad, I can say with certainty that it couldn't have been in the toolbar for more than 24 hours and within those 24 hours, my dad was only on the computer a handful of times, maybe totaling 30 minutes. What are the odds that he saw this considering if it had been up there for 24 hours, that would've meant that I myself had not even seen it at all in the hours I had used the computer as those tabs are easy to just glance right over? That's a rhetorical question of course as there's really no way for me to know the answer without asking him outright and of course, outing myself in the process. So now I'm really left wondering what to do.

Was I caught? Is there any way to explain myself if confronted about this? It's driving me crazy not knowing whether or not he saw this and all the other questions that that may lead to. Was it ME who accidentally placed the ad there (even though I don't know how) or was it him? If him, was it on purpose, perhaps to let me know that he knows what I've been doing (doubtfully)? Is it possible he's done this in the past as well, and has been aware of my online activities for some time? I just don't know what to think or what to do. As you can tell by my dilemma, I am closeted (and bisexual). I am certain there have been suspicions amongst my family members about my sexuality and I can deal with those, but there's been no hardcore proof and I'm just finding myself horrified at potentially having to address this. Am I busted or is there some convoluted excuse I can draw up that is at least somewhat believable?

I know some of you are probably saying "dude, you just got busted. Just confess. It will make things so much easier" but I'm just honestly not ready yet. I had always considered myself comfortable with my sexuality and thought that if "caught", I would have no problems coming clean, but it turns out not to be the case now that I'm actually living the situation. I think I'd have less of an issue with it were it a few months down the line and I did not live in the same house as my father. Truthfully, my father would probably have no problems with my sexuality were I to tell him, but it's not a conversation I'm prepared to have at the moment, to discuss the nuances of my sexuality, especially considering its' fluid nature (attraction to men came out of the blue three years ago, been fooling around with guys the past two all the while still attracted to women, and lately I've been leaning more towards women) and the fact that even I'M not certain of how to explain things. In a strange way, I really want him to confront me about this, not so that I come clean, but to at least have a definitive answer as to whether or not he saw the ad. Otherwise, I feel like I'll drive myself mad just wondering if he saw it, if he told my mother about it, what he thinks about it, if he knows of other things I've done, etc. Even now, I'm hyper-analyzing his behavior tonight where he seemed more quiet and distant from me and I'm wondering if this is why. He's the type of guy that might not even confront me as he's the strong and silent type so he may just not even want to deal with it, which again is good in that I won't have to address it, but will play havoc with my mind for years just wondering "does he know?"

So as pathetic as it may be, I need some help crafting an excuse as to why I was looking at Craig's List's gay personals section. I was thinking if confronted, I'd keep it vague, admitting that I had searched that section but denying I was gay and saying that I had searched all the different sections including the women, just out of sheer curiosity. I was thinking of playing it off as if indifferent rather than passionately denying it because I think that looks less suspicious. My other excuse I'm thinking is to keep it even more vague and say something like "It's not what you think. I'm not gay. There's reasons why I was looking at those ads but it's too embarrassing to get into so I'm not going to bother, and if you wanna think I'm gay, then that's fine. I'm not but I realize how it looks and you're going to think what you want regardless of what I say so I'd rather not even try to protest when I don't really care" playing it off as if I don't care if he thinks I'm gay which may lessen the doubt. I generally don't care what image people have of me, my parents included, so that would be a very "me" response.

I don't know guys. I'm really grasping for straws here. And like I said, I realize how pathetic and desperate this sounds to many of you, to be clinging onto the closet when I have this opportunity to come out, but I just ask of you to remember what it was like when you were in it, and to have been possibly "outed" before being ready and have some mercy. It's such a personal choice that we're all ready for at our time, and this isn't my time, and I just need some help to get me through this little incident in the time being. I've successfully avoided my father all night but won't be able to for much longer, and just feel so awkward, so I need to figure out how to handle this situation as soon as possible in case confronted. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated.

 

[dr_beat]

If he saw it and has a problem, he'll bring it up. If not, stop worrying about it because it means he either didn't see it or did and already knows about you and has decided it's ok for his single 25 year old son to do such things even if they are with guys.

 

[Zasser]

1. I agree with dr beat's reply.
2. How do you know you are responsible for that link being there?
3. Even if you are, maybe it was there for just a few minutes before you saw it?
4. If you are going to cover up or make an excuse keep it very simple. "Sorry, I was looking at adult stuff, and that can lead to all different places and links. I don't know how that link got saved."

 

[dr_beat]

2. How do you know you are responsible for that link being there?

You trying to frighten the poor guy?

 

[Soilwork]

All I got from that was that you're 25 and still not out?

What are you waiting for? To be too old to enjoy it?

You said you wanted advice on how to lie to your dad, but I'd rather give you the advice to not lie. It might sound like a radical idea, but maybe if you'd come out to your dad, come out to your brother and get a little more comfortable being gay, you'd be able to meet guys and start dating and you'd have no need for random hookups on Craig's List?

 

[Soilwork]

And may I add "what the fuck is wrong with you people who posted answers that actually gave him advice on how to lie to a family member when all he's going to do is make it HARDER to eventually grow the gonads required to come out?"

Am I the only one here with any freaking sense?

 

[onetimething]

I appreciate all the advice given so far.

As I said, I realize that the most logical thing to do if confronted is to just tell the truth, but it's just not something that I'm mentally or emotionally prepared for at the moment. We all have our time and grow comfortable with our sexuality at different points. I'm not near being there just yet. Everyone here who is out has been at the mental/emotional point that I'm currently at during some point in their lives, and even though I may be older than most of you when you experienced it, the feelings you felt back before you were ready to come out, are the same I'm feeling now. While it happens all the time, no one wants to be pulled out of the closet, but rather to have the power and control over such a personal issue themselves and the prospect of that being stripped away is sort of frightening. If confronted by my father, I will lie. I realize it's ridiculous, and like I said, were the living situation different, there's a chance I may be more open with things, but where it stands now, I do plan to lie and I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to do so.

This board is terrific. Thank you all for listening and your opinions and please keep the advice coming.

 

[Soilwork]

Well, I don't agree.

I think lying is the worst thing to do (in this situation... running over him with a lawn mover would be much worse in the greater scheme of things).

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to bite the bullet and do something that he might not want to do but has to do becuase it's the RIGHT thing to do.

I think you may have come to one of those times.

Yes, I went through what you did and I didn't like it one bit and I got past it by facing it head on, not cowering in the corner and honing my lying skills.

You can't grow as a person if you keep acting like a little boy.

 

[8tomtoms8]

I wouldn't absess over it too much. If he is the stoick quiet type he probably won't ask you assuming he even saw it. Also, he probably doesn't really want the answer he might get. Not that it matters but just because you've messed around with some guys doesn't mean you won't get married someday anyway. If he does ask you, you may just say you were surfing around and somehow it got saved on there. You'll delete it asap (assuming you haven't already).
I think the biggest reason parents are worried about their kids being gay is because they are afraid they won't have any grandchildren. Also, they know the straight life and have survived it so far. They don't know what a gay life entailes.
As you stated, sounds like you need your own place. That's why I got out of my parents house. Best of luck!!!

 

[8tomtoms8]

I agree with soilwork to a point. I'm not suggesting you lie but there is no need to tell him every thought and feeling you have on you sexual preference. It doesn's sound like you two are real close anyway. My parents NEVER discussed sex at all in our house. They never asked if I needed advice or had questions or anything. If I did ask a question they just laughed it off or changed the subject. I have never told my parents I am gay and have no intention to. I don't think parents have the right to expect their kids to be open about personal matters when thay haven't done the same with them. Your dad's not telling you what HE likes to do in bed, is he?? Why should he expect you to discuss something he won't.

 

[Soilwork]

um... 8tomtoms8, "gay" isn't something that I DO.. it's something that I AM.

My parents don't know what I like to do in bed and vice versa, but I know they're straight and they know I'm gay.

Two very different things.

I'm assuming that you know your parents are straight even if they haven't gotten into it in gory detail.

 

[8tomtoms8]

Soilwork, you're correct. They probably assume I'm gay. I recently spent a week at their house with my boyfriend. They never asked what our relationship was and I never told them. They can probably put two and two together just like I did with them.

 

[psychobandit]

Am I the only one here with any freaking sense?

Yes stupid 10 character count thingy....

 

[ryan13th]

Like someone said previously, if he doesn't bring it up, you shouldn't worry about it too much as he likely didn't see it. Should he confront you about it and your not ready to deal with the subject, just use the random excuse that it was an accident. Contrary to what anyone here says, you should approach the subject when you feel like your ready with it, because in the end, you'll be the only person having to deal with it and not someone on the internet who might be telling you to come out when your not ready for it.

 

[MindBlast]

The problem is, you can NEVER be ready. It's easy enough, especially if you're bi, to go your whole life pretending you aren't. Do you really want to do that?

I sure didn't. Especially after I saw those sad elderly men the first time I went to a bar try and pick me up. Besides the fact that I don't have random sex, what were those guys thinking? I'm guessing they just came out and were trying to get what they missed all along. Sorry, but it was too late. Don't let that be you.

 

[Lube]

What Soilwork said. And what 8tomtoms8 said about telling intimate details.

Dude, you're out.

Whether you want to be or not. Whether you're ready or not. You're out.

And telling your father you're gay doesn't mean you have to tell him whether you like topping or bottom or are into pissplay or S&M. LOL. He doesn't need details.

I was a coward my whole life. Don't you be one. It's not fun.

 

[Eagle653]

What Soilwork said. And what 8tomtoms8 said about telling intimate details.

Dude, you're out.

Whether you want to be or not. Whether you're ready or not. You're out.

Sorry, I don't necessarily agree.

First off, what you probably saw was an open link that was not completely closed. My first thought was--why do you assume it was yours? (Unless you remember seeing the ad some time ago). If it was really in the "toolbar" (at the top of the screen), it was put there intentionally. They don't accidently end up there. If it was in the tray at the bottom of the screen, then it was just not closely completely when leaving the site.

Second, a lot of times people don't notice all the clutter on computer screens--they go to where they know they're going. I find links, etc. all the time that I'd long ago forgotten. There's a good chance that no one saw it.

Third--my scheming paranoid side coming out--what if one of them left it there for you so you'd see it in order to send you a message that they know what you like? OK, that's far-fetched, but you have to admit, it's a clever way to let someone know they know, isn't it?

Fourth, if they saw it and want to discuss it, they'll bring it up.

I agree with you that coming out should be on one's own time. Unless one is outed, it's really best to do when you're comfortable and confident with your sexuality. Then, you can speak to people from a position of confidence and not from a position of apologies for your sexuality or self-doubts.

Good luck!

 

[wentworth]

How do you know it's you who was looking at the ad?

 

[Lube]

Dude, you're out.

Whether you want to be or not. Whether you're ready or not. You're out.

Sorry, I don't necessarily agree.

Let me clarify.

I didn't mean literally you're out. I meant there's so much uncertainty in your mind, that you might as well be out. It's going to nag at you. You'll look at your father differently. You'll wonder when he looks at you if he knows. Everything he does, you'll question--did he say that because he knows? Did he not say something because he knows? Blah blah blah.

It's going to drive you crazy not knowing if he really knows.

It'd just be a hell of a lot simpler to just admit it.

 

[Eagle653]

Let me clarify.

I didn't mean literally you're out. I meant there's so much uncertainty in your mind, that you might as well be out. It's going to nag at you. You'll look at your father differently. You'll wonder when he looks at you if he knows. Everything he does, you'll question--did he say that because he knows? Did he not say something because he knows? Blah blah blah.

It's going to drive you crazy not knowing if he really knows.

It'd just be a hell of a lot simpler to just admit it.

That's an interesting point. I'm the type of person who deals very well with living with uncertainty and, in fact, get a thrill and rush from this type of intrique. I know for others, though, it can drive one nuts.

If that's the case, then I'd agree that it's better just to come out than to worry about covering one's tracks all the time, that's for sure. But, I guess I'd still be mortified if a family member found porn on my computer, even though I'm out to them.