"caught" and need help with excuses

[Lube]

I'd still be mortified if a family member found porn on my computer, even though I'm out to them.

Well if it's just a naked guy it's not a big deal to me.

But, yeah, if it were a picture of a guy shackled and being gangbanged and pissed on and ... well, that might be a tad embarrassing.

 

[Kyanimal]

Listen to Soil ... He's one of the Guys that can cut to the bottom line, and tell it like it is! Might not be what you WANT to Hear, but's it's usually what you NEED to Hear!

Also ... DO NOT attempt to over-analyze Yourself, or Anyone Else! What IF? Who knows?? Let it be, and see what happens. Either you've been Outed, or you haven't! Simple as that!

And, if you have been Outed? Well ... take it as it comes! (Ready, or not!)

In ALL things ... Honesty is the Best Policy! (Trust me on that one! The results may likely be nothing that you might expect. That's generally a "Good Thing"!)

LIFE can come at You pretty Fast! Deal with it from a source of Strength! Stay TRUE to Yourself!

And ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[onetimething]

Sorry, I don't necessarily agree.

First off, what you probably saw was an open link that was not completely closed. My first thought was--why do you assume it was yours? (Unless you remember seeing the ad some time ago). If it was really in the "toolbar" (at the top of the screen), it was put there intentionally. They don't accidently end up there. If it was in the tray at the bottom of the screen, then it was just not closely completely when leaving the site.

I do remember looking at the ad in question. I still have no clue how it got there. I attempted to aid my potential backstory, and attempted to create a similar tab, but this time for a woman, to lend credence to my excuse of just browsing around the site in general for curiosity's sake, yet I couldn't figure out how to do it. The ad was dated February 10th which I'm assuming is when I looked at it. My dad was out of town til the night of the 11th, and I discovered the tab last night on the 12th. I'm operating under the assumption that it had been in that toolbar for two days, only one of which where he could've seen it, and during that time, I'm not sure how much he was even on the computer (he has a laptop he uses usually).

Second, a lot of times people don't notice all the clutter on computer screens--they go to where they know they're going. I find links, etc. all the time that I'd long ago forgotten. There's a good chance that no one saw it.

Very possible. Like I said, I had been on the computer for hours since February 10th (assuming that was when the ad linked itself) and hadn't noticed it til last night. I'm giving more thought to the idea that my dad did not see it as I think if he would have seen it, he'd of immediately deleted it afterwards unless he wanted me to know that he found it. For the record, I deleted the tab right after I saw it.

Third--my scheming paranoid side coming out--what if one of them left it there for you so you'd see it in order to send you a message that they know what you like? OK, that's far-fetched, but you have to admit, it's a clever way to let someone know they know, isn't it?

Yep. This has entered my mind as well. It's not something that I'd see my dad ever doing but you never know. Part of me wonders if there's some way I don't know of that he's been sort of aware of my online activities and sort of keeps track of them, and that maybe HE placed the ad there unintentionally.

Fourth, if they saw it and want to discuss it, they'll bring it up.

True. I don't see my dad bringing it up even if he did see it which is part of the problem as I'll then never know if he knows. My dad as I said is the strong silent type and I can see him just wanting to not even acknowledge it if he had discovered it.

I agree with you that coming out should be on one's own time. Unless one is outed, it's really best to do when you're comfortable and confident with your sexuality. Then, you can speak to people from a position of confidence and not from a position of apologies for your sexuality or self-doubts.

Good luck!

Thank you. I knew when posting this that the overwhelming majority of responses would be for me to simply come out even though I explicitly stated that I have no interest in doing so and won't really entertain the possibility of doing so for longer than a few seconds (yes, I have thought about it but decided concretely against it soon thereafter). I realize there's little patience and sympathy for guys like me and situations like this have a lot of guys rolling their eyes, but this just isn't my time yet. I realize people are outed before they're ready all the time, but I want to avoid it if I can until I'm ready, and just wanted to see IF I can in this situation. I'm not ruling coming out ever, and certainly would consider it were I not living in the same house as my father, but that's not case. I'm just not ready to face this at the moment. If I have been outed without question, if confronted with evidence that I simply can't talk my way out of (maybe a gay "intervention" of sorts, lol), then yes I probably will crack and if that's the case, it won't be the end of the world and I'll deal with that if it comes, but it is the least desirable outcome. As I said before, if confronted, I will lie. I still don't know what the lie will be, but it's not something that I am prepared to deal with at this point in my life.

Thank you so much for all of your advice everyone.

 

[onetimething]

I have to admit, I'm a little taken aback by the responses here. I was expecting at least a bit more sympathy and understanding from a group of people who have found themselves in a similar situation, or those at a similar point in their comfort with their sexuality as myself who understood the particular dilemma I was in, rather than so many "come out you wuss!" style of responses. I'm just a little perplexed at why people take such an issue with my lying. Go back to the time when you were closeted and think of all the lies you told. Did you ever say you were going out to the store when you were really going out for a booty call? Did you ever run into a co-worker or friend at the mall while out with a boyfriend and introduce him as your "friend"? Did you ever give an excuse to your family about why you never had any girlfriend, stringing them along as if it was a matter of taste and time rather than sexuality? I don't see the difference in this situation? In all of those situations, a person just isn't quite comfortable enough with themselves and their sexuality to come out of the closet yet and there seems to be a general understanding that something along those lines will happen at the very least a few times prior to being so comfortable to officially come out. Why the self-righteous stance on lying, especially when my decision to do so hurts no one, except possibly myself? I'm not saying it's right to lie by any means, just saying that it happens when closeted and I'm just surprised by the near complete lack of sympathy people have for my situation. I realize this is a discussion forum and not a support group (maybe I should look into one of those instead) and people are free to respond however they may and I do appreciate all the responses, and the handful of more positive PMs I received, but I was just hoping for more help with the specific problem at hand rather than being told repeatedly to just come out and deal with it when I stated that I was not interested in doing so. I wasn't expecting a pity party of guys saying "oh you poor thing...here's what you should do...Step 1....." but I was just expecting a bit more understanding and advice given when I explicitly stated what advice I was looking for rather than so many moral condemnations.

Regardless, I do still thank everyone for responding and it felt good to let this off my chest at the very least.

 

[Lube]

For me, it was because you're 25 years old and you were handed a perfect opportunity to come out. It doesn't get better than that.

You didn't say something like your father is a religious fanatic or he'd kill you or throw you out of the house or anything. Those are very good reasons for staying closeted (when young, anyway).

You don't sound like you have any kind of excuse for not coming out, other than you just don't feel like it.

It's tough to come out when you're a teenager, or when you first realize you're gay. You need to accept yourself first. But your case sounds like you've known for a long time.

It's 2007. You're an adult. Your family sounds reasonable. You've known for a long time. What is the reason for not coming out? Maybe there is one, but you haven't discussed it.

If you're handed an opportunity like this (there's an 80% chance he knows now) and you still don't want to come out, when will the time ever be right?

 

[PortionsForFoxes]

Why are you not comfortable enough to come out? Just trying to understand why that possibility seems so ludacris. Most people that have come out were never 100% ready. I don't think you can ever be completely ready for something as emotional as this. Soilwork and those others who share his stance on the matter, gave you the right advice. It may sound harsh, but will staying in the closet for a few more weeks, months, or years really change your situation? Would that make you happier? What are you waiting for?

 

[onetimething]

I understand the benefits of coming out. I truly do. I know how freeing a feeling it is for most people, and I realize how the situation looks to many of those who are out, like the perfect opportunity to do so. It's just that I assumed that stating that I simply was not ready to do so would be enough for people to respect my personal reasons for it and concentrate on the advice I was looking for. That's all. I wasn't looking to debate about my sexuality or the coming out process. Perhaps I should've stuck this in the bisexual/straight forum instead, but I figured this was the more appropriate section.

As for my sexuality, as I stated, I'm confused by it myself. I had no feelings whatsoever towards men until three years ago, at the age of 22, considerably older it seems than when the majority of people on here first had feelings. It seems to me that most folks on here developed their feelings during puberty, then had an awkward closeted process lasting anywhere from 5-10 years (many still in it) before they came out. Well, that awkward stage is currently where I'm at, even though I am older. I realize that it's tough for people who are currently out to recognize the same fears and qualms and uncertainties as they experienced as a teenager being applicable as an adult, but it is the case for a good number of men as well. The growth of our sexuality and coming out process is different for every single person. As I said, I don't understand my sexuality, especially as lately I'm finding my attraction to men greatly diminish, but I'm not really looking to analyze my sexuality, although that will inevitably happen.

To answer the question, staying in the closet a few more months will greatly affect my situation. As I said, a few more months down the line had this situation of arose, I would not have really cared so much one way or the other and if confronted, probably would come out. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If continuing to have feelings towards men in the future, perhaps finding a mate who I see myself entering into a relationship with, then I do see myself feeling comfortable enough to come out to my family and friends, and I realize that I will never be 100% comfortable, but now is simply not the time.

 

[Soilwork]

I have to admit, I'm a little taken aback by the responses here. I was expecting at least a bit more sympathy and understanding from a group of people who have found themselves in a similar situation, or those at a similar point in their comfort with their sexuality as myself who understood the particular dilemma I was in, rather than so many "come out you wuss!" style of responses.

Alas, we're not your id, and we won't necessarily tell you what you want to hear. We'll give our opinions.

My personal opinion is that you should be over all the closet baggage by 25. Yes, I know there are plenty of 40 year old men who are just not ready to come out. I also know that it's not my job to coddle them.

If you want a yes-man, hire a personal assistant.

I'm just a little perplexed at why people take such an issue with my lying.

Maybe because as mature, grown men, we know that lying is wrong? Especially to a parent?

Go back to the time when you were closeted and think of all the lies you told. .... I don't see the difference in this situation?

the difference is that when I was doing that, I was 17.

Why the self-righteous stance on lying, especially when my decision to do so hurts no one, except possibly myself?

Maybe we actually care about your personal and mental well-being more than you do?

I'm just surprised by the near complete lack of sympathy people have for my situation.

What you see as a lack of sympathy the rest of us see as tough love.

I realize this is a discussion forum and not a support group (maybe I should look into one of those instead)

so instead of listening to the advice here or even taking it under advisement, you're going to just keep looking for people who'll tell you what you want to hear?

Look, you're going to do what you want. You're going to fret about wether he saw it or not, and when he doesn't mention it, you'll spend the next few years cultivating an ulcer worrying about wether he saw it, maybe he himself found it in the history and added the book mark himself, wondering if he knows or wondering if he's trying to tell you something.

Then when you finally decide that you're 100% ready (at the age of 48 when it's too late to really enjoy not having to hide things from the old man), you'll find out the truth.

You really think it's worth it?

Go ahead.

Tell him it was a virus. He'll know you're full of shit and he'll not only know that you're gay but you're a liar too. And that you think so little of him that you'll think it's ok to lie to him (and if you're willing to lie about that, what else are you willing to lie about?).

Good luck.

Oh, and Pepto Bismol is really good for that ulcer problem.

 

[onetimething]

I just received a PM with some helpful information that I figured I'd post in case there were others reading this thread but not responding, who are/were in a similar dilemma, and just as a general internet FYI. Apparently in Firefox there's a little icon next to the address (before the http) in the address box. If you click on that and drag it down into the toolbar, it will create a tab. I am now nearly 99% certain that what happened is while browsing through the ads, I accidentally clicked and dragged it and placed it there, as it's a movement of no more than half an inch on the computer screen and could be easily accidentally done. So that answers one question I had and is a sigh of relief.

While I do not think my dad saw the tab now, I do plan to "accidentally" drop a few female ads down there over the next few days to aid in a backstory if confronted. I realize many people feel that's a gigantic step backwards for me, but it's what is working for me at the moment.

Thanks for all your help everyone!

 

[ryan13th]

Don't let any nay-sayers bother you onetime. I don't believe there is anything "cowardly" about not comming out because the situation isn't right for you. Actually, I think that could quite possibly be the worst choice for someone, comming out when they're not ready for it regardless to what anyone says. I'm sure that's caused some people more trouble/grief than what was nessisary if they had waited until they were prepared to deal with something such as that. Everyone is different and lives under different situations regardless of age and I flat out think it's stupid for anyone to try & pass judgement towards you for comming out when your not ready to deal with it. Do it when your ready and do it on your own terms.

 

[Soilwork]

While I do not think my dad saw the tab now, I do plan to "accidentally" drop a few female ads down there over the next few days to aid in a backstory if confronted. I realize many people feel that's a gigantic step backwards for me, but it's what is working for me at the moment.

You really think your dad is dumb enough to fall for that?

Really?

Good luck.

 

[Alberto_15]

Hi and hello.

I am surprised at the NERVE of some of the responses. Maybe they missed the part where you touched on where YOU are with your sexuality at this time. You should come out when you are ready and it does not sound like you are at all.

To answer your question I think you are worrying too much, I don't think he saw it and if he did he'll ask you about it if he wants to. At that point you can lie to him and maybe use one of the excuses some have posted (I can't think of any others).

If he doesn't ask you anything then again more than likely he didnt see it. If he did and just choses not to confront you about it (another posibility) there's really nothing you can do so just get over it already

 

[psychobandit]

You really think your dad is dumb enough to fall for that?

Really?

Good luck.

Just wanted to say it is possible he would fall for it. My Mom did. She so totally beleived all my lies that now that I've come out, she thinks NOW I'm lying just to piss her off...go figure. (ya my comming out didn't work so well). Even my Dad was blown away, but he accepts it.

BTW, I do agree with all that you're saying. I have major regrets now for all I've missed over the years.
I also see that you're just expressing your opinion, not actually ordering him to come out, as some people seem to be suggesting that that's what you are doing in this thread. (sigh)

 

[luckotheirish]

Just like all of the other posters here, I don't know you or your family and everyone reacts differently to different things. Having said that, if you're not ready to discuss it, then worrying about getting "outed" is only going to draw attention to the matter. Your family may pick up on your anxiety and begin asking you "what's wrong?" At that point you'll be confronted with the dilemma of lying or not.

One of my favorite quotes is from Abraham Lincoln. He said,
"No man has a good enough memory to lie."

The implication is that it's much easier to remember the truth and lies beget lies. Eventually you may contradict yourself and get caught.

Several years ago, my sister asked me if I was gay and I told her "No." Since then, I've accepted myself and will not lie to anyone who asks. But, I gotta tell ya... I personally feel so much more ashamed of the lie than I ever felt about being gay.

Bottom line: it is what it is. Ask yourself if your dad would be more upset about the deliberate lie or more upset about your sexuality. How you handle this is, of course, entirely your choice - just my $0.02

 

[Kyanimal]

For those of you who are "surprised at the lack of sympathy here", I assure you, that is NOT the case. We are offering our advice because we ARE Sympathetic! We've been there. We Know exactly what it's like on the "inside of the closet". But we've also stepped, or been "pushed", through it.

We know the doubts, the fears, the scheming ... ALL of it. And we are trying to tell you that once "The Step" is taken, and you are free to be honest with yourself, and those in your life, you are going to be feeling better.

Afraid of being confronted? You bet! But if that should happen, the best course of action is to be completely honest about it. Having doubts about your sexuallity? Then say so. Fairly sure you're gay? Then say so.

If the situation should arise, whether you feel you're "ready", or not, facing the Truth will also help you from continuing to lie to yourself. It's not just about others accepting you. It's also about learning to accept yourself, and moving forward with Your Life.

If we weren't sympathetic, or just plain didn't care, we wouldn't be typing ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[rareboy]

I'm with all the respondents who think it would be stupid, stupid, stupid, to lie. For heaven's sake; if it is a big deal to your father, he'll bring it up and if not, maybe it is a way for him to confirm that he's thought you were gay all along.

How do you know it wasn't him looking at Craig's List???

 

[mpdan]

Off Topic???

This thread went off topic at post number 6 - which coincidentally happens to be Mr. Soilworks first post on this thread.

Mr. Onetimething asked for feedback regarding a specific question.

And he was attacked.

 

[Kyanimal]

Off Topic???

This thread went off topic at post number 6 - which coincidentally happens to be Mr. Soilworks first post on this thread.

Mr. Onetimething asked for feedback regarding a specific question.

And he was attacked.

Advice was asked. Advice was given.

Attacked? Nudged, perhaps, but not attacked ...

 

[spreadeagle]

You speak about 'having power and control over personal issues' but clearly you are an abject slave to your need to watch pictures of naked men on a computer. You put this overwhelming desire down to 'hormones' as if you had no conscious control. But if hormones and the way we mamnage ourselve physically are not 'personal issues' then I don't know what are.

The fact that you were doing this on a computer you share with your father, no matter how much you prevaricate about the precautions you took to avoid 'discovery', suggests to me that your need to express your sexuality is greater than your need to hide from Daddy. Isn't it strange how that little incriminatory icon just seemed to slip your attention?

 

[Soilwork]

Nobody was attacked. Someone was given some advice he didn't want to hear, but nobody has attacked him at all.

I know that my style of brotherly tough love can be a bit rough. Ask my little brother how hard I can be on him. That being said, my brohter will be my best friend forever because we both know that no matter how hard we are on each other, we're that hard because we care.

Anyone who doesn't give a shit can give advice like "Put some female Craig's list ads there" and "blame it on a virus" but someone who really does care about how the story turns out would give advice like "How long are you planning on keeping this up?" and "Wouldn't you want your kids to be able to talk to you about anything?"