Caught In The Middle

[Midnight-]

I am going to uni and this weekend i went home to visit my friends and such. Mainly my best friend, she's like sister to me. I got caught in the situation she told me that she was having troubles with her boyfriend who is also sort of a friend and he gave me the same sort of spiel. Anyway on sat after they left my place from watching a movie at their home they got in a huge spat and ended up breaking up. The boyfriend came over to my place in the middle of the night to tell me this and rant. Appearently he felt I was the only one to turn to. As a result I start worrying about my best friend as well. But I can't just leave him alone. So for the time being i sat and listened to him rant for about an hour. Then he started asking for advice which i can't really give considereing i have had no relationship experience. After this he fell asleep at my place and I called my best friend to make sure she was ok. I was really worried about her by this time. I got ahold of her (she was packing her stuff to move out that night) when she was done we met up and we talked and i got her story and i comforted her as best i can (still am worried, it was a long relationship). After a while i went back home to make sure he was ok. He was still sleeping (HE didn't want to go back to his place till she left. Plus i had to pack to come back here considereing i have class tommorow. Either way, last night i got no sleep and ended up caught in the middle of my best friend's break-up. It can be really hard being the person in the middle. I feel exhausted. Anyone else ever been the middle man and stuck in situations that they should not be in, in the first place.

 

[Riverrick]

You have to walk a very fine line here. Keep very good boundaries and never tell the other person what is being said about them.

Do a lot of reflective listening ("It sounds like you feel really screwed in the relationship, huh?") rather than agreeing with them that the other person was wrong or bad somehow. When you do reflective listening, you are just reflecting back the person's feelings. It is very easy to do and it doesn't involve you taking sides. You're just letting them know you heard them.

Anyhow, its hard but I think you can be a friend to both people. You'll certainly have earned a lot of trust once they realize you have pulled that off. Good luck!

 

[Midnight-]

thanks. And yea i didn't say much in either case. I just listened. I think thats what they needed more then anything is to just their thoughts out. Say it and sort it out in their minds.

 

[luminum]

I think you're in the rights to tell both of them that as a mutual friend to one another, youa re not the person to talk to. You can listen, but you won't give advice since it wouldn't be fair to either of them or to youf or being put in that position.

 

[GL]

Yours is an unfortunate position to be in. I have to say that both Rick and Lum gave some great advice, the only thing I could add is to avoid giving them any opinion on the matter at hand. In fact, you might go so far as to tell them that you will gladly be a sounding board for the both of them but because of your affinity for them you don't want to be giving any suggestions or recommendations. This is something that they will have to work out for themselves.

 

[RyanKilter]

A very fine line indeed. I've had to distance myself, for now anyway, from a couple of really good friends of mine due in part to their relationship issues. It's all good and important to be there and listen but things can get out of control fast if one's not cautious. I wish you good luck.

 

[ViscountLazarus]

GL247 gives good advice, and I agree.

I myself was in a situation like this not long back - two of my closest friends, broke up after a multi-year relationship ...

Now, these two girls aren't just friends, they're like pieces of my soul, so you can understand how tough it was to watch them break up.

The best piece of advice I got from another friend, was this:

"If you don't think you can just listen to both of them, without taking sides, then step back now and tell both of them that you're not getting involved. This way, they work out their own problem, and one doesn't end up hating you."

See if it works for you, like it did me.

-Laz.

 

[luckotheirish]

If they're not asking for your advice, then you're set. When I 've been in similar situations, the conflicting parties didn't really ask me for a solution. They just needed to vent, to get it all out.

On the rare occasion that they did ask my advice, I would only respond to something that they confessed about themselves. I refused to comment on something he said he said.... or he said he did....

I agree with the idea of not taking any sides.

 

[Midnight-]

thanks the advice has been great. The sort of good thing is that i had to come leave to come back for uni and therefore can't come in cpntact with me, but it really sucks cause i'm still really worried and can only confort over the phone or instant messaging. For me the whole situation just plain sucks. Sadly, i'm a bleeding heart and it really tears me up to see people break up. I'm such a sucker for love But once again thanks all the advice helps.

 

[Diodorus]

Wow..Tough spot Midnight..Sounds like you've gotten some good advice from the guys here. It also sounds like you've navigated the waters pretty well yourself. Just be their friend, be neutral as Switzerland and the best of luck. Strive for impartiality and I think all will be well.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

My rule is to ask a simple question: How can I help you?

I'd never go any further. Dramatic as such break ups may be, more often than not, people get together again. You'll be misinterpreted and at times, even possibly blamed for pitching them against each other!!!

So, offer them a place to sleep at, a drink, a dinner or whatever, and tell them that you have got to sleep for Monday, too.

SC

 

[Chino05]

unfrotunately the middle man describesw every day of my life both in my profesion and personal life, DAMN YOU ALL let me be plz lol

 

[ViscountLazarus]

I know the bleeding heart problem - I suffer that too...

You can't possibly resist someone you care for being in trouble, and you will do absolutely ANYTHING for them? This has burnt me out a few times ... To the point where I'd borrowed money, done things illegal (retribution and revenge) and nearly fucked my education.

Best advice I ever got about that? "Don't do anything for anyone, unless you can see them doing it for you."

Coupled with the "random acts of kindness" thing, it works great!

(Random act of kidness thing, is that you aim to do one random good deed every day you're out and about.)

-Laz.